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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not know what to think of a relationship like this? is this abnormal or am i being judgy?

78 replies

dancingwithroses · 06/02/2018 23:46

If you had a friend who described the following in her relationship, what would be your response?

Her husband has mood swings- is very kind and loving and affectionate one moment then shouts and swears and screams in her face (and the childrens) the next.

He calls her stupid, cow etc when she makes a mistake or does something wrong eg taking car to the wrong garage, spending too much money on clothes. He also treats the children the same way- screaming at them if they accidentally interrupt a conversation or talk too much (youngest DD struggles with boundaries and does not know whe to be quiet etc so gets shouted at a lot)

This couple have a lot of mutual friends- if he falls out with one of the friends or with her family, he bans her from seeing them and tells her he will leave her if she sees them. He has threatened to take the kids away from her. He has threatened to kill her. in front of the kids. she and the children arfe very frightened of making him angry.

BUT.....here is the thing....when he is not angry he can be lovely and kind. He provides well for her and the two girls with a nice home and holidays abroad and often tells his daughters they are besutiful and pretty. (Only if he annoyed with them he calls them fat or stupid etc) but he does npt do this every day. In facts, months can go on and he behaves just fine. And sometimes he will apologise to her or the kids after his outbursts. So this is not abuse, exactly. I do not think it is normal either though. She seems vey scared of making a mistake but also she ells me she loves him and he gives her a good life. I have known this family quite some time and the kids when they were little seemed quite affectionate with their father but now they seem nervous of him at times? Only when he is in a mood though, the rest of the time they seem like normal kids.

She tells me he often puts her down and the kids too and if she doesn't want to sleep with him because she is tired etc he sometimes gets angry and guilt trips her. When she tell sme this i do not know what to say? I am unmarried myself and have no experience of what i snormal in a marriage or not? maybe marriage counselling would help?

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 07/02/2018 00:23

Oh sorry OP cross post. Thanks

Original poster
dancingwithroses · 07/02/2018 00:23

Weezol I think I will try suggesing Women's Aid to my friend, yes.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2018 00:24

"She does not seem to try and hide it, though, which makes me think she perhaps is wanting attention in some way? "

She is desperately wanting someone to make the hell that she is living in, stop.

You need to report this to the school, if you care about those children.

Greensleeves · 07/02/2018 00:24

Having that level of anger and needing to punish yourself by cutting isn't a normal level of teenage angst though dancingwithroses, it's symptomatic of deep unhappiness Sad

I'm a former self-harmer too. It's a major sign of distress. These girls need to be got out of there. Tell your friend to at least talk to Women's Aid.

Mxyzptlk · 07/02/2018 00:25

One DD has "a teenage depression thing" and the other is self-harming. They are not okay. They are being very damaged.

Maybe the younger girl doesn't hide her scars to see if anyone cares?
If that is taken as "she wants attention" which of course she shouldn't get, things will only get worse.

Original poster
dancingwithroses · 07/02/2018 00:25

TitaniasCloset That is ok. No worries.

As for abuse, actually I DO know what abuse feels like. I had my bum pinched by a man when I was just 15.

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 07/02/2018 00:25

OP I'm worried about you in all this. If you have been through mental health issues yourself this could really get you down, especially if she won't listen to you and insists on normalising it. I hope you are ok.

Original poster
dancingwithroses · 07/02/2018 00:28

BirdsGottaFly Yeah, I iwll certainly tell my friend that she needs to report and encourage her to phone Women's Aid. Does their number show up on caller ID if they try to call back though? I woudl not want her to get into trouble with her husband?

OP posts:
Original poster
dancingwithroses · 07/02/2018 00:30

TitaniasCloset I think I will show her this thread, encourage her to speak to Womens Aid etc and then leave the ball in her court. I will be there to listen and support her as a friend but I do not feel capable of doing much more. I have just come out of another serious bout of mental ill health and do not want to go throught that again.

OP posts:
Graphista · 07/02/2018 00:31

Sounds very much like my home growing up. I'd be concerned there's sexual abuse of the dds going on too, with the focus on their appearance. Self harm can be a way of trying to be unattractive to the abuser.

I left home almost 30 years ago, I'm still very much dealing with the effects (deep seated multiple mh issues).

Please support your friend and her dds but signpost her to women's aid, ncdv, police, social services, GP, health visitor if she has one, even your church minister if you think they will be helpful and not excuse/minimise the abuse.

Abuse can be emotional, verbal, financial, sexual (being coerced into sex is rape but I suspect worse here I suspect she's under threat of violence) and spiritual. Not just physical.

Couple counselling is NOT recommended as abusers can be good at manipulating therapists into also abusing the victim, or use things the victim says against them at home. Good counsellors recognise abusers and won't work with them in this way. But not all are good/experienced.

I think you would find it useful to speak to women's aid yourself to get advice on how to support your friend to leave this excuse of a man ASAP. Your friend doesn't only have herself to consider but the children.

Very hard because your friend is a victim BUT someone has to look out for the children, so you may need to consider reporting to ss.

Bless you for caring.

Greensleeves · 07/02/2018 00:31

Stay well away from him dancingwithroses Flowers

Mxyzptlk · 07/02/2018 00:34

I get that this is a very awkward situation for you, as a friend who has little experience of being in a relationship and family.

Contacting the girls' school could be a good way to go, if you can't help your friend see how this situation is damaging her daughters, and if she won't take action on it.

I think your friend must be feeling awful, if she is telling you those things about her sex life. She is calling for help, by doing that. Please urge her to speak to Women's Aid.

TitaniasCloset · 07/02/2018 00:35

That sounds wise and again more Thanks

It's best she calls women's aid when he is not around, they have advice on their website.

For your friend, I have been in an abusive family as a child and as an adult. In my marriage he also used religion to confuse and control me and had me believing all sorts of things that I now know better about.

It has affected myself and my children for life. I pray to God that you will find the strength to leave and find happiness.

TitaniasCloset · 07/02/2018 00:39

Yes to Graphistas post, especially the part about spiritual abuse. I have been through it. It poisons your religion for you when your relationship with God should always be a place to turn to and feel safe, if you believe in God that is. No offence meant.

IndigoMoonFlower · 07/02/2018 00:40

@TitaniasCloset same here and I agree with you

Hotdoggity · 07/02/2018 00:49

He sounds like a horrible, horrible man who will have already done significant damage to his kids.

Weezol · 07/02/2018 01:13

I think you have a good plan here. Make her aware of her options and the available avenues for support - could she call Women's Aid from your house?

Maybe you could call the NSPCC about your concerns - you can do this anonymously and they will get in touch with school on the quiet if they think it's necessary. I think that's as much as you can reasonably do.

It's good to want to support your friend, but as you have already identified, not at the expense of your mental health. You need to look after yourself first in order to look after others later.

Women's Aid may be good for you to contact too with reference to what happened when you were younger. It's amazing how childhood experiences and feelings continue to affect us in adulthood. Maybe have a look at their website and see what you think.

Graphista · 07/02/2018 01:16

It's partly what turned me away from religion. My abusive dad is very religious - seems it's ok to be a shit as long as you say 3 Hail Marys after Hmm

KimmySchmidt1 · 07/02/2018 02:17

As someone who doesn’t see a gravy train as part of a relationship I don’t ding her reliance on his cash to be relevant to whether or not he is abusing her.

He does appear to be a nasty out of control nutter and I’m not sure how having money can possibly cancel that out?

user764329056 · 07/02/2018 02:22

Those poor kids, he is fucking unstable and abusive, they’re trying not to make him angry, if that doesn’t scream abuse I don’t know what does, you say they seem nervous, what a terrible way for them to exist, please try and get through to your friend that keeping her children in this is so damaging and only she can change that, those poor kids don’t have that option if they’re still minors, I get so angry at people who don’t put kids’ wellbeing at the top of any agenda they might have

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/02/2018 02:32

I agree with women’s aid as a place to contact.

What’s your church’s attitude to divorce? If they accept it, is it worth talking to the minister?

WellAlwaysHaveParis · 07/02/2018 02:56

This is absolutely 100% an abusive and unhealthy relationship. Your friend deserves SO much better than this. Please, please, please support your friend to make her own choices about whether to stay or go, but please show her that leaving is absolutely an option. Ultimately, she has to choose what she wants to do, of course, but please help her to see that she deserves a happy, healthy, genuinely loving and kind relationship.

OwtFerNowt · 07/02/2018 03:57

As for abuse, actually I DO know what abuse feels like. I had my bum pinched by a man when I was just 15.

Um, what?

With this post and all the naïveté, describing awful abuse and clearly distressed children and asking if it’s that bad I’m not entirely sure the OP is playing it straight.

letsdolunch321 · 07/02/2018 03:58

What a vile bully he is.

She needs to leave asap. This is not a life for her or the dc,

DistanceCall · 07/02/2018 04:16

He has threatened to take the kids away from her. He has threatened to kill her. in front of the kids. she and the children arfe very frightened of making him angry.

This is abuse. Everything else doesn't matter at all. I'm surprised this is even a question at all.

I hope you will help your friend and her children to get out as soon as possible.

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