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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FUMING: To not want dd sleeping in dirty sheets

86 replies

Brokentopieces · 06/02/2018 18:10

Dd8 stays in her dads for a night every couple of weeks. There’s being an ongoing issue with dogs in her bed which makes me feel sick. The 2 dogs always seem to be in her room (according to dd) and I’ve seen them myself on her windowsill when collecting her one day. The bigger dog staff terrier can open her door.
I’ve previously asked her dad to fix the door as she was coming home with a rash when she stayed there, he told me he had.
Last weekend dd came home saying when she woke up the dog was in bed beside her. This makes me feel so uneasy due to the complete lack of hygiene and safety issue. I have to admit I don’t like dogs but surely a child shouldn’t be sleeping with a dog. Her Dad’s house wouldn’t be considered clean and his hygiene standards are vile and he sends her home filthy with clothes I provide destroyed.
I tried to text him about it to say dd mentioned the dogs got in so maybe the handle is loose and all I get is attitude.
Dd loves the dog in fairness but AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Brokentopieces · 06/02/2018 18:48

Forgot to mention that the dog gave her a bad scrape before that I thought was a bite but he insisted it wasn’t a bite. Dd said the dog bit her but then after a few weeks said she didn’t think he did. The dog is very hyper

OP posts:

Ginaxx · 06/02/2018 18:48

Yanbu, I would be fuming too. The hygiene is bad enough but the safety aspect would worry me more. She's only 8 and it's a big dog. You're her mum and within your right to stop it x

juneau · 06/02/2018 18:50

I wouldn't be sending my DC to a filthy house where she didn't get fed - and that's before you add in the dog issue.

ijustwannadance · 06/02/2018 18:51

The dogs probably sleep in the bed every day and it sounds like he rarely changes the sheets or cares.

Your DD is not happy. He should keep the dogs out of that room.

thecatsabsentcojones · 06/02/2018 18:51

PS I've just seen the post you've written since, sounds like it's not a dog problem but one of neglect.

pallisers · 06/02/2018 18:52

One of the very first pics she sent of newborn no. 2, was snuggled up with one of the dogs.

I am someone who has my dog sleeping on my bed but I can't stand this kind of stupidity - putting an animal who can bite next to a newborn as if they were both cuddly toys. And if anything goes wrong, dog is startled, hurts the baby in response, as well as the baby being hurt, the dog gets it. There are idiots out there who shouldn't be allowed to have dogs.

OP, frankly I wouldn't want her to stay over. It is filthy and unsafe. What is the benefit to your dd?

siscaza · 06/02/2018 18:53

OP I think the dog is a red herring, that alone wouldn't bother me (god knows our dog snuggles in with me or the kids often enough!) but what would bother me is the ex not taking care of your DD. Not undertaking basic hygiene tasks on a daily basis, not properly feeding her and properly dirty clothes would concern me.

MacaroniPenguin · 06/02/2018 18:54

It does sound grim and difficult to deal with.

My worry is why do the dogs end up in her room all the time? Do they normally sleep on her bed when she's not there? If so she is basically having to sleep in the dogs' bed - the dogs will think it's theirs. Hopefully not. But if they don't normally sleep there they should be easier to kick out.

Could you send her with a simple rubber door wedge or get her to wedge the door shut? Games socks were the wedge of choice at my boarding school.

JaneEyre70 · 06/02/2018 18:54

My dog sleeps on my bed without issue, but I wouldn't be happy about a staffy sleeping on any childs bed. They are hugely unpredictable.

PipGirl404 · 06/02/2018 18:55

My cocker spaniel occasionally sleeps next to my 4yo DD... they cuddle up and it's cute and she never smells or has poor hygiene... and he's a long haired dog. A staffie wouldn't pose any kind of hygiene issue it's clearly the dog you've an issue with, so pick your battles.

Sara107 · 06/02/2018 18:55

Personally I find the idea of dogs in bed beyond revolting, but some people are happy to sleep with them. The safety would worry me far more than actual hygiene though. Staffies are strong powerful dogs, and I would be very nervous about a child on her own in bed with it. Yes, they are lovely dogs etc, etc but every now and again you do hear of people's lovely family pet turning on someone for an unknown reason.

BertieBotts · 06/02/2018 18:56

If you are genuinely worried that his care for her borders on neglect, then you need to contact a solicitor about arranging a contact agreement, possibly through a court.

If it would not count as neglect - unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do. Different hygiene standards isn't a reason to stop or change contact. Dangerous hygiene might be. To be honest - dogs in beds is definitely within the realms of normal, so you might have an issue more of accepting that he is different rather than trying to force any change. Bedding being unchanged for months is grim, but not dangerous unless the bedding is actually soiled.

If you choose to address this I would state FIRST the lack of personal care for your DD (food, hair/body washing) and THEN the state of general uncleanliness of the property. Mention areas where food is prepared if this is an issue, and only as a last point dogs in the bed (but do say that she doesn't like it.)

mustbemad17 · 06/02/2018 19:00

Sounds like the issue actually is your ex being a disgusting cretin tbh. I hate the whole 'staffs are x y z' if you hadn't mentioned the breed i wonder if some comments had been different? That said, if your DD has told you she dislikes the dogs on her bed & she is coming home with injuries from their behaviour it needs addressing...as well as the vile conditions of the house! I don't understand why you haven't stopped him having her earlier, it doesn't sound at all like the house is suitable or he is responsible enough to make sure she is clean & washed etc!!!

upsideup · 06/02/2018 19:00

Is it not possible he is assuming an 8 year old is brushing her teeth/hair unprompted? Or dosnt want to get overy involved in his 8 year old dd's bathing rather than neglecting her. Have you tried mentioning these issues to him?

Original poster

Brokentopieces · 06/02/2018 19:00

I have thought about a wedge for the inside of the door but what if there was a house fire-doesn’t bear thinking about.
The room was always the dogs room so the dogs used to sleep there everyday up until 6 months ago but now that they can open the door it’s easy to assume they sleep there every night.
He used to put dd into the back of a van without seats so no booster seat but I put a stop to that straight away but the abuse I got was unreal! Letting dd outside unsupervised (with his gfs 9year old) has also been an issue.
My main issue with the dogs is safety and coming him with rashes. It’s certainly not due to washing powder that’s for sure.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 06/02/2018 19:01

You said she loved the dog to start with, but then later posts seem to say otherwise. Hard to tell how much of this comes from your own feelings rather than hers. How does she feel about seeing her dad? Is the contact court ordered or informally agreed?

Getoutofthatgarden · 06/02/2018 19:02

YANBU

I wouldn't send DD there until he sorts things out. The dog situation would terrify me, the lack of food and the dirt would concern me too.

UpstartCrow · 06/02/2018 19:03

There is a huge difference between you having your own dog in your own bed, and letting a strange dog sleep in your child's bed.
If the dogs use the bed when your DD is not their, they consider it her bed, and thats not safe for her.

Thats before you start on the hygiene issues, and question if he bothers to worm the dogs.

Ellyess · 06/02/2018 19:05

I'm with Cat2014 - It's not the disease aspect but the safety aspect which bothers me. Regularly flea treated, worm treated and immunised dogs are less likely to give your child a disease than another child sitting next to them at school. However I would fear for the safety aspect. Given that your daughter does not live there all the time, I suspect the dog is trying to make a point about territory - trying to show it's his bed not hers. This breed can be vicious and turn on people suddenly. Please do not let the dog play with your daughter unsupervised and that includes not allowing it to invade her bed. I am a dog lover and since a terrible incident left me with PTSD I do let my small (clean and healthy) dogs sleep on the other side of my double bed, but I would never let them go in my grandchildren's bedroom and I always supervise them with children. Please make sure this dog is not able to get into your daughter's bed. The dog's owner will say the dog is fine and loves her. They always say that until the dog suddenly turns on the child. Keep her safe.

Terftastic · 06/02/2018 19:07

YANBU. If your DD doesn't want the dogs in there, then her father should respect that. He should at least put fresh bedding on, and keep the dogs out whilst she's staying there.

How you get him to actually do this, of course, is another matter.

We had a dalmatian when I was about this age - I begged my parents to let him sleep on my bed. When they caved - it only happened the one night! He hogged the bed totally- I woke up with lying like a human next to me - in a tiny single bed

Shockers · 06/02/2018 19:17

I would be worried about your DD spooking the dog in her sleep and it turning on her.

I let our dog very occasionally sleep on DS’s bed, but they’ve known each other since the dog was tiny and DS was 10.

I would probably stop her from going until it was promised that the dog wouldn’t be allowed in her room. I don’t think he’d be taken seriously if he complained, especially as your DD doesn’t like the dog sleeping with her.

PeppermintPasty · 06/02/2018 19:24

I'm genuinely taken aback by the posts which seem to be saying 'get over it, we love dogs, they sleep next to us, it's great' blah blah.

I grew up with dogs and am a huge dog lover, but this child sounds like she's being neglected at the father's house. Plus, op has lately said the little girl doesn't like it!

Op, protect your daughter. I had a neglectful ex (your car seat tale sounds familiar) and I put my foot down. It didn't end well in that he didn't like being asked to do totally reasonable stuff, so he ruffled his petticoats and said he wouldn't cooperate. As a result he hasn't seen my dc for 3.5 years.

What's he like as a dad to her generally?

Chrys2017 · 06/02/2018 19:25

Dd doesn’t like the dog in her bed

She needs to tell him to get down, then. Dogs are easily trained so he will soon learn.

honeyroar · 06/02/2018 19:25

I adore my dogs, but I don't like them sleeping on beds. Our dogs know that they are only allowed on our beds at weekends if we're having a lie in and they're dry! I'd tell her to go and wake her daddy up when the dog gets on the bed - tell him she can't sleep with it there. Once he's regularly getting disturbed by it he will probably do something about it! A door stop behind the door may work, and most door stops don't prevent a door being opened, just make it harder, so I wouldn't worry about the fire thing.

My stepson only stayed with us one or two days a week, but I can assure you he was still a most loved member of the family in the dogs eyes, and far from a stranger. They are still over the moon to see him even now he's barely here due to being at uni, so I wouldn't worry about the dogs treating her as a stranger, they won't. I'd also not worry about her clothes getting dirty or damaged at her dad's - we have dogs, Hen's and horses, and all my stepson's friends or my friend's children used to leave absolutely filthy, but had had a huge amount of fun. Just send her old clothes and leave the good stuff at yours.

I'm reading a bit between the lines that you are worrying a bit too much and projecting your opinions a bit too much. He (dad) sounds like he needs to buck his ideas up a bit, but you sound like you need to chill out a little.

tolerable · 06/02/2018 19:31

i think...other peoples worries always seem easier to deal with. i know,foora fact.i cant leave my ds with his (utter louse)father. its only as big a deal as you make it.pick your fights

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