To tell my DH I want to reduce my hours after Maternity Leave?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

AIBU to ask you help me with reasons why going back part time is the best option for me?

I’m a nurse and work full time over 3 days. On the 3 days I work (I don’t do nights) I’m out the house from 06.45am until 21.15pm and needless to say, on my days off I’m pretty tired.

DS1 is almost 4 and will be starting school in September. I returned to FT work after he was born and found it draining. On the days I wasn’t at work I felt too tired to really enjoy spending my time with him and due to me ‘only’ working three days a week the majority of housework and childcare fell to me simply because I was home more days a week than my DH was. He works 5 days a week, leaves the house at 7.30am and is home by 5pm.

I’m currently on Mat Leave with DS2 and plan to return to work June/July time when he will be about 10 months old.

My DH has assumed I will be going back FT again but the thought of it fills with me dread. It was a tiring enough way of life with just one child, never mind two. I plan on talking to him about me going back part time and working two days a week instead of three, so 25 hours a week instead of 37.5.

Our childcare fees are pretty minimal anyway so I can’t even use the excuse that dropping my hours will save us money, because it won’t. If I reduce my hours my monthly take home pay will be £700 less and only save us £160 a month in childcare.

Me and DH live a comfortable life and we can easily afford for me to drop my hours but I’m not sure he’s going to be too enthralled when I suggest it because I think he will think, “Why should I have to work full time when she doesn’t?”

I just want to be around more whilst the boys are still young and be able to enjoy them without being knackered all the time.

I know again that if I return FT all the housework will fall at my feet too because I’ll be doing it whilst I’m at home 4 days a week so DH won’t even have to worry himself about that. I will just feel like I work FT, pretty much do all the housework, the childcare, the general Mental Load etc all whilst being exhausted from my 14 hour days.

I’m sorry this has been long, I just wanted to provide a thorough description of our life and situation.

I guess I just need help in trying to help my DH see why me dropping my hours is beneficial for us a family.

[Teeniemiff]

I’m on maternity leave now- we’ll just returning actually with my second & Im doing 3 days @ 10 hours (excluding lunch so 28.5hr week). Im not thrilled about the longer days but it makes sense I do less days longer hours, rather than shorter days but more of them as it’s £45 to Nursery each day.
I think it’s benifical for your child for you to be at home.
This wasn’t a massive discussion in our house, I put forward what I was thinking of doing & discusseddinaincial implications. But I think it’s unspoken for us that it’s good for our daughter to have a mix between Nursery & being at home. My husband knows I like the days with my daughter & can get some jobs done when she naps that we’d have to do both when we got in from work. So it’s helpful & other than losing some money each month, it does make our family life better. What’s fair hasn’t really come up, but then his company aren’t as flexible as mine. I don’t see why he’s begrudge you not feeling so tired all the time & having time with your little one.
I have a friend who used to have a day off work when her daughter started school, she blitzed the house & did food shopping & all errands so on the weekend they had 2 days together to go out & about. Definitely made things nicer for them. X

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Ok - been thinking about this.

From what I remember (mine are both in primary school now so I’m at the next stage - really should change my user name!) the first year after you go back having had your second child is really really hard. By far the hardest year of parenting we’ve had. You need to Rio whatever you can to get through it.

Right now you are saving money. Presumably for a “rainy day”. Well - kids age 4 and 1 and back at work is (in my view) a “bucketing it down” type of day. You need to use that money to make life easier - however you can.

So - you can drop down to 2 days without too much damage to future career prospects and are confident that you can get 3 days back if you need it? Do that! Can your dh cut down his days without career damage etc? Do that too! Get a cleaner. Take on a bit of extra childcare if you can.

Basically do whatever you can - throw money at it if you can - to make life easier for this short but very hard time of your life.

The reason I feel so strongly about this is that I know a lot of couples who split up during this time period. All seemed to have perfectly good marriages, neither party was abusive as far as I know, the general theme that they told me was they were just too knackered to keep on loving each other.

Ooh - and one more thing -it has occurred to me that your dh should be doing more of the housework than you because when you are at home and he is at work then you will always have awake kids with you that you need to look after. Plus you have to do all the pre-school runs and take the kids to classes etc. He presumably has a large number of hours a week where the kids are in bed and he is at home and he can crack on with the housework in peace.

[Redinthefacegirl]

Would you consider looking for a different job? I'm a part time clinical (not management) band 7 (10 shifts in 4 weeks) and whilst my long shifts are tiring I am no way near as exhausted as you sound. Not all wards are the same.

The other reason I'm not as exhausted is that my DH does the same as me, 10 long shifts in 4 weeks. He does just as many long days at home with 2 preschoolers and fully understands how exhausting that is. We often joke that we go to work for a break, even in busy acute roles in the current climate.

I think you should look at your job and your DHs attitude. Both could improve substantially.

[InaConfusedState]

With your type of work, I should think it’s oerfectly possible to go down to 2 days a week and then back up to 3 days when the DC are at school. A few years of PT working isn’t going to have a massively detrimental impact on your pension, especially if it means you don’t burn out and actually keep your job.

You and your DH need to see together that this is a short phase in your life - forgoing some money now isn’t the end of the world as you appear to have a comfortable life anyhow. And you can always do more hours and bank shifts if things change.

I also don’t understand why you don’t have a cleaner. If you’re able to put a good surplus away for the future, you have enough spare to make your life comfortable right now and still save a good chunk. A cleaner for two hours a week is roughly £80 per month, why wouldn’t you make your life easier by getting one?

Also you mentioned ironing. Why iron? Your DH can do his shirts, you can do your uniform. What else is there - everything else just needs a good shake out of the WM and hung up straight, that takes creases out of most clothes.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Well the conversation has been had and although DH has some reservations he is generally on board with the idea.

I explained that he knows how much my job drains me (which he agreed) and that I just don’t want to go back to that way of life now we have two young children.

I said that I want to be happy and relaxed not exhausted and stressed and that it was important to me that I could be the best mom possible and that reducing my hours would enable it. I told him as well that I didn’t like how much my shifts impeded on our time together as a couple and how I wanted a job that actually allowed me to spend some time with my husband.

I said that whilst the children are so young it was important to me that I could enjoy them and they could enjoy having a happy mother and that me going part time is just for a few years, not permanent.

I explained that financially we are in a good position compared to a lot of people and so if we can afford to have one less frazzled parent and a calmer and happier home life then surely it made sense for me to reduce my hours.

He did make a sarcastic comment about how he’d love a job where he could reduce his hours but when I then started talking to him seriously about that being an option he soon backtracked and moved the discussion on....

We then sat down with a calculator and went through all our outgoings and tried to work out what my take home pay would be on 25 hours a week and we think that it will be manageable especially if I can do 1-2 bank shifts a month.

I said that it is a financial hit but all we have to do is cut back on our luxury spends for a few years. For example, at the moment we overpay our mortgage by £500 a month which is lovely, but it’s not necessary.

My DH is just very practical with money, it’s important to him that we put a lot in savings each month, and that we put some away in a holiday fund and that we overpay the mortgage so we can debt free quicker etc etc which is all good but I’m more of the stance that for the sake of a few years we can cut back on those ‘expenditures’ to enable us to have a nicer home life.

I wouldn’t say he was swinging from the chandeliers about it and I can tell he isnt 100% sure about it all but he can understand why I want to do it.

[newyearsameme80]

Well done for having the chat. It’s perfectly possible for him to request to drop a day or two, glad you called his bluff on this. When he makes comments about your hours, do you not just want to bring up his holidays? Especially when how he spend some of his holidays dictates how you spend some of your annual leave?

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Sounds like a fruitful conversation. And you discussed the financial practicalities too

[Bluelady]

That's a result. In your case high levels of saving and over paying the mortgage are just as much unnecessary luxuries as blowing cash on stuff. Hope it all works out for you all.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

The problem now is getting my Managers to agree and I don’t think that’s going to be easy.....

[Turkkadin]

OP You say your husband is just very practical with money. He sounds bloody obsessed with money from the way you have described him and he doesn't care weather you completely exhaust yourself pulling it in either. You say it took along time for you both to conceive. Surely he must empathise with you wanting to spend good happy time with your 2 little children, not frazzled and ratty and constantly catching up on housework which he does none of. Money is never more important than people and sometimes if you have enough to go round you should be thankful for that.
You sound incredibly passive and soft on him and he has used this control you into thinking he's always bloody right. You are letting him rule the roost.

[maggiso]

Could you discuss reduced hours whilst your boys are little, and reassess once / youngest is older/ both are at school/ older/ when it feels right. Consider discussing your DH reducing hours - perhaps instead or alongside your reduced hours - or when the boys are older, so it isn’t one sided. Could you ( in the longer term) look for a local post with shorter hours that fit into normal working hours?
We have a disabled son - who needs a carer with him even as an older teen. I worked least in the early years whilst DH worked extra hours, but more recently DH has dropped his hours to help support ds and I am working more.- something I could not do if DH had not changed his work pattern.

[maggiso]

Sorry did not see your update! Sounds like you’ve sown the seeds.

[Bluelady]

OP, with the current shortage of nurses, your manager will be in no position to not allow you to work the hours you want. And if they won't give you the hours you want someone else will.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

It’s not necessarily as easy as that
The mgr has look at impact on service,practically ward down shift a week
That shift needs covered.new starter need training/orientation etc
Don’t know where op is,if she has other internal/external job opportunities
Need to arrange an HR meeting etc

[HerRoyalNotness]

Keep the job and get a cleaner. You never know when you might need the Ft wage.

[BakedBeans47]

YANBU

if you can afford it why not. Don’t underestimate the importance of getting some time for you x

[tomatosalt]

Sorry I haven’t read every single post here so this may have already been asked but I just want to query why you are working so many weekend days?! If you work 12 shifts over four weeks, working 5 weekend days means 41.6% of your shifts fall on weekends. If there are 8 weekend days in 28 days, this amounts to only 28.6% of the days being weekend days. By my calculations you should therefore only be working 3.4 weekend days on average over four weeks.
I have used this sort of calculation to pull up managers in the past who assumed I would just put up and shut up because I’m not as pushy and demanding as some other staff members and work the weekends so they don’t have to.
I glad you’re in agreement with your DH about reducing your hours. I’m too am used to the snide comments about how great working compressed hours is but I literally spend half my first day off in bed after a run of 12 hour shifts.

[Bluelady]

There are 40k vacant nursing posts in England alone. It's a sellers' market.

[SnippitySnappity]

Although doesn’t sound as though you both looked at pension impact - did you figure out how much longer it’ll take to pay the mortgage off?

I’m glad you’ve got what you want, but again in this conversation he again disparaged you and you let him get away with it for the bigger goal. I hope it does prove restful - because if you do 2 bank shifts a month then you’re talking about only getting that third day half the time - still sounds exhausting and unacknowledged.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Prior to going off Matermity part of
family flexible hours were that I worked at least one weekend day a week as I could only get childcare for two days a week between Mon-Fri. As well as doing my requested weekend day I would also be put to work on the other weekend day too about twice a month, hence why I worked a lot of weekend shifts.

With regards to the mortgage we hope to have it paid off in about 7 years so obviously that will now be put back as we won’t be able to overpay it as much as we have been doing. However, going part time is only going to be for a few years so it’s not going to be a long term impact.

I’m thinking of ringing up PayRoll later to see if they can give me any indication of what I would come out with (before deductions) as I think we need to get a better idea of what my pay would be before we can commit to anything.

Regarding my Managers, I’m just worried that because the ward is already short staffed they aren’t going to allow me to reduce my hours.

[TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally]

Regarding my Managers, I’m just worried that because the ward is already short staffed they aren’t going to allow me to reduce my hours

But if it's already short-staffed then that means there isn't a queue of people lined up outside begging to come and work there. In practical terms having someone ask to reduce their hours is not ideal, but it's better than the alternative - which is that they leave the job altogether.

[Roseandmabelshouse]

Put in a flexible working request and make it clear the reduction of hours/set days/terms you need are enabling to stay in post. They would have to have a bloody good reason to not allow it.

[Roseandmabelshouse]

Regarding the posts about being short staffed. The NHS would be in a better position if they looked into more sustainable and flexiable working. They are loosing good nurses who in the end are getting burnt out and who realise it's not worth he stress of the job.

There are not lines of nurses banging on the doors waiting for jobs from those who want to reduce hours. Nurses are qualifying not planning to continue in the profession because they don't think it's worth it. Student nurses now are expected to get in dept of at least £30,000. Your manager needs you - an experienced nurse!

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve known of a few colleagues where I currently work who had to leave because they were not allowed to reduce their hours after maternity leave.

When I was pregnant with my first son I asked my Managers (in a different nhs job) if I could drop my hours by 7.5 and they said no.

Our clinical lead has been heard to say that everyone of us is replaceable which is why they aren’t too fussed about if we leave.

Turnover on our ward is high though. We have newly qualified nurses start and then within 12 months they’ve left because of the pressure the ward is under - we are literally run ragged.

I’m nervous about asking to return on reduced hours because I really don’t think they will sanction it.

[SnippitySnappity]

it used to happen at my old firm - sometimes short sighted managers decide that they have a 'no part time' policy despite it meaning they've lost many good people.

They can only say no though queen, can't they? So no need to worry, if you don't ask they definitely won't say yes!