To tell my DH I want to reduce my hours after Maternity Leave?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

AIBU to ask you help me with reasons why going back part time is the best option for me?

I’m a nurse and work full time over 3 days. On the 3 days I work (I don’t do nights) I’m out the house from 06.45am until 21.15pm and needless to say, on my days off I’m pretty tired.

DS1 is almost 4 and will be starting school in September. I returned to FT work after he was born and found it draining. On the days I wasn’t at work I felt too tired to really enjoy spending my time with him and due to me ‘only’ working three days a week the majority of housework and childcare fell to me simply because I was home more days a week than my DH was. He works 5 days a week, leaves the house at 7.30am and is home by 5pm.

I’m currently on Mat Leave with DS2 and plan to return to work June/July time when he will be about 10 months old.

My DH has assumed I will be going back FT again but the thought of it fills with me dread. It was a tiring enough way of life with just one child, never mind two. I plan on talking to him about me going back part time and working two days a week instead of three, so 25 hours a week instead of 37.5.

Our childcare fees are pretty minimal anyway so I can’t even use the excuse that dropping my hours will save us money, because it won’t. If I reduce my hours my monthly take home pay will be £700 less and only save us £160 a month in childcare.

Me and DH live a comfortable life and we can easily afford for me to drop my hours but I’m not sure he’s going to be too enthralled when I suggest it because I think he will think, “Why should I have to work full time when she doesn’t?”

I just want to be around more whilst the boys are still young and be able to enjoy them without being knackered all the time.

I know again that if I return FT all the housework will fall at my feet too because I’ll be doing it whilst I’m at home 4 days a week so DH won’t even have to worry himself about that. I will just feel like I work FT, pretty much do all the housework, the childcare, the general Mental Load etc all whilst being exhausted from my 14 hour days.

I’m sorry this has been long, I just wanted to provide a thorough description of our life and situation.

I guess I just need help in trying to help my DH see why me dropping my hours is beneficial for us a family.

[lostmyfeckingkeysagain]

Im completely aware of the arduous working conditions nhs.
I’m critical of the encouragement that she drop day & pay to get more done at home

That's not why OP wants to go part time though.

[timeisnotaline]

I haven’t read the last few pages but your dh absolutely does not pull his weight. I have no idea how you come to that conclusion unless you say I do all the housework and then work out what split of the rest you each do.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

I’m responding to various points made in thread
That she’ll get more down with an extra day off
That nhs is demanding to work in

[lostmyfeckingkeysagain]

some of you are so systematically biased,you are encouraging op go pt

Because that's what she wants to do!! No one is encouraging her to go PT because she's a woman. We're encouraging it because it's clearly what she thinks will make her happier. If she'd posted saying "DH wants to go PT because his job is exhausting and stressful and we can easily afford it" then i'd be encouraging that too but she didn't.

[Readytopop12]

Haven't read the whole thread but I'm a nurse in the NHS, with young dc. I completely understand why you are so exhausted, it's brutal out there. I initally went back to work from mat leave on 2 shifts a week but found the pay drop too much, but didn't want full time, so I now do a week of 3 shifts (but no more than 2 in a row) and then the following week I do 2 shifts, so 5 long shifts a fortnight. This seems to give me the best balance. Just an idea.

[Gizzymum]

YANBU but you seem to have got yourself caught in a way of thinking which isn't helping yourself...

"DH has been at work so deserves rest time"

"I do more housework as I'm home more and I wouldn't leave it on purpose for him to do"

For starters, you've been at work, so why don't YOU deserve rest time. Yours is just the next day instead of that evening....

I'm guessing you aren't home more, you both work full time hours so unless DH has a freakishly long commute this point doesn't stand up either. The difference is you are home more during traditional "working hours" and you seem to have got in the habit of working at home during these hours (albeit doing housework).

Perhaps allocate yourself so down time, equivalent to the amount of relaxation time DH gets, and find something to do for yourself in this time (read a book, go for coffee and cake, have a nap, get a new hobby, binge on trash tv).

But back to your original point (😳 sorry I went off on a tangent), nursing is a stressful job and I know I could never do it (I work in a hospital too), surely working the long days mean you don't get to see your DC on those days. As your original post suggested you wanted to spend better quality time with them, going part time seems like the only way forward, but if you were able to do shorter days that may work better.

Tell your DH everything you've said here, you feel he deserves time to rest, but so do you. You don't mind doing housework etc, but you can't keep doing the same amount so he needs to do a bit more in the evenings.

I hope everything works out for you.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Right I’m back - just waiting for the baby to drop off so thought I’d come back and reply to the comments as best as I can. I will do it in bullet point format and then hopefully everyone who asked me a question will find their response....

My plan is that I will work two long days a week and then where possible do 1-2 bank shifts a month to bring in another few hundred pounds.

It isn’t a case of me not getting holidays so he can have his own. He goes on school trips abroad, usually two a year, and I have to use my Annual Leave to accommodate that as I need to be home each day for the children.

I doubt very much DH would wish to reduce his hours. He is currently looking for jobs at the grade above his current one and they would all require a FT worker.

DrWhy - my DH also likes our comfortable lifestyle which is why I don’t think he’ll be happy about the drop in income even though we can afford it.

I had considered paying for another days childcare but I think I’d make things even worse for myself then because I’d still be exhausted but also feel like I had to spend the whole day doing housework to justify myself having a day without the children.

In terms of what my pay drop will be I’m just guesstimating at the moment. I was talking to a colleague of mine who is about 3 pay grades below me and only works two days a week, no nights and no weekends, and she said she still comes out with £1’100 a month. I would obviously come out with more than that as I’m top Band 5 and I will be working weekends. I thought that maybe I’d end up with take home pay of £1’200 which is about £700 less than I bring home now.

We don’t need a gardener as we Astro-Turfed last year to enable us to not have to factor gardening into our life.

If I’m honest, prior to getting pregnant we hadn’t discussed the long term plans but only because we’d been trying to get pregnant for so long that I kind of assumed it wouldn’t happen so then I actually stopped thinking about it and planning for it. When I actually did get my BFP it took me four days to tell my husband because I just couldn’t get my head around it. Ironically, I got my BFP two days before I was due an interview for a Band 6 job on the ward, which I then cancelled.

DH does the childcare on the days I work but all that involves is for two days a week having them between 5pm and 7pm when they go to bed and then having them one full day at the weekend. He isn’t repeatedly having them from 7am-7pm like I do and he isn’t doing housework either like I do. On the days I’m off work I obviously look after the children all day and then still do all the child related duties when DH gets home. If we are home together on a weekend day then I tend to do all the childcare duties then too even though we’re both around. It isn’t as though he purposefully avoids it though, it’s more a case of me seeming to go into “mother mode” and cracking on and doing everything.

As has been mentioned by many, I also just want to get out the Rat Race for a while and just enjoy my children. Maybe it’s not feminist enough to say I want to be at home with my children instead of being burnt out at work but that’s how I feel. I had considered doing a job with family friendly hours and I’ve seen a few advertised but with the hours they offer and the fact there aren’t any weekends or unsociable hours available the pay would be a little bit less than what I’d get for working 25 hours in my current job.

I think at the very bottom of all my issues is that my job is physically and emotionally exhausting. Some days I would just cry because of how tired I was and the stress it put me under. The thought of going back to that when I have two young children just fills me with dread. I want to a happy mom, I want to enjoy spending time with my children without feeling exhausted all the time and unless I drop my hours it just can’t happen

[QueenofmyPrinces]

too), surely working the long days mean you don't get to see your DC on those days.

Quite frequently I would go over 48 hours without seeing my son.

When I worked four days out of five it meant I didn’t see him for four days out of five and it was hard on me and him

[Abra1de]

I chose to work part time while my children were small and have never regretted it. I think you should do this, OP.

[NeilPetark]

Why did you cancel your band 6 interview? It’s part of being a band 6 to get pregnant and go on maternity leave isn’t it? (Or is that just everywhere I’ve worked! I am a band 6 btw). I get about 1,400 on a good month on 2 long shifts.

[Bluelady]

Good luck with those discussions. If you put it as rationally to him as you have to us, it's difficult to see how he could disagree. You say how much he enjoys your comfortable lifestyle but it's decidedly uncomfortable for you. There's more to life than money.

[Beetlejizz]

At the bottom of your issues is your exhausting job AND you doing lots more than your DH does. You're obviously aware of the former but seem u willing to acknowledge the latter.

[NeilPetark]

I think you need to change your attitude to how you see yourself. Stop trying to do it all. You don’t have to because you should be a team.

[Roseandmabelshouse]

That you would rather care for your children and enjoy them while they are young.

That you want to be a stay at home mother.

[timeisnotaline]

You are being perfectly reasonable to want to spend more time with your children. You are being your own worst enemy regarding housework and the childcare work - honestly you are. You just seem to think it’s your job.

[Therealjudgejudy]

It's clear from your posts that he is enjoying a comfortable work life balance totally at your expense because you are constantly exhausted...which he sees and you are doing all the work in the home...which he sees. He sounds totally selfish if I'm honest. This isn't a partnership. It's him pleasing himself and you at the real risk of burning out. Be kind to yourself. Tell him things are going to change and then follow through.

[MatildaTheCat]

Yep, go for a band 6 and you’ll get an annual uplift for several years anyway. You are clearly qualified and able for it. Possibly consider a jobbshare?

[DragonNoodleCake]

Can you get a cleaner/someone to do laundry?
That's not going to cost over £500 a month but would make a difference to your lives. You can then both work FT and spend time with kids. That's what DH and I did.

[Thissameearth]

Lipstick my husband is self employed so can’t go part time like I will and he had no paid paternity leave or holidays etc but he has cut back the work he takes on and had a period of no work after birth. We had exactly the conversation you mention re him cutting back his work ie drop money (more than £700 per month) to have more family time and decided that time with wee one and to help each other out was a lot more valuable to us. We’re both higher rate tax payers and have savings so fortunately it’s comfortable for us both to cut back hours. If it means cutting back on holidays or car etc it would still be well worth it for us.

[BlackberryandNettle]

Argument is simple, you currently work full time hours plus putting in 2 full days of childcare/ housework. He is only working full time.

[SleepingStandingUp]

However much help OP buys in, she's still going to be working 3 x 13/14 hour days which she is finding exhausting. She actually wants more time at home, is that so terribly awful for a parent with two young kids??

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Get your dp to be more equitable in tasks and you’ll not feel so burdened
£700pm is fair whack of money, you both need to discuss it and the impact
I do think you need his agreement, I don’t think it’s a solo decision.
Work the finances out on paper, and factor in all the eventualities
I guess just make sure you're going pt because you want to, not out of a misplaced notion that’s what mother’s do. Or societal pressure, mum guilt etc

You're a skilled well trained professional, the great thing about nursing is it’s in demand
Good luck with whatever you chose

[AmysTiara]

Go for it. It sounds like to can afford it and I doubt youd regret more time with the boys.

Your DH sounds a bit of a tit though.

[Beetlejizz]

If he's not willing to agree to OP going PT, the onus is on him to come up with alternative solutions. It's not ok for him to enforce the inequitable status quo continuing because he gets a veto on PT.

[newyearsameme80]

Lipstick my dh and I have both worked part time (at different times) since the dcs were born. OP says her dh wouldn’t want to. My point isn’t that the workload will still be very heavy unless one of them reduces their hours. If you have lots of family support (I’ve a friend whose mum still regularly tidies her house while she’s at work ) it would be easier but OP hasn’t mentioned anything like that. If the bills are paid it isn’t compulsory to have two full time workers.
OP have you never played about with this website will give you a better idea of take home income:
www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk