To tell my DH I want to reduce my hours after Maternity Leave?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

AIBU to ask you help me with reasons why going back part time is the best option for me?

I’m a nurse and work full time over 3 days. On the 3 days I work (I don’t do nights) I’m out the house from 06.45am until 21.15pm and needless to say, on my days off I’m pretty tired.

DS1 is almost 4 and will be starting school in September. I returned to FT work after he was born and found it draining. On the days I wasn’t at work I felt too tired to really enjoy spending my time with him and due to me ‘only’ working three days a week the majority of housework and childcare fell to me simply because I was home more days a week than my DH was. He works 5 days a week, leaves the house at 7.30am and is home by 5pm.

I’m currently on Mat Leave with DS2 and plan to return to work June/July time when he will be about 10 months old.

My DH has assumed I will be going back FT again but the thought of it fills with me dread. It was a tiring enough way of life with just one child, never mind two. I plan on talking to him about me going back part time and working two days a week instead of three, so 25 hours a week instead of 37.5.

Our childcare fees are pretty minimal anyway so I can’t even use the excuse that dropping my hours will save us money, because it won’t. If I reduce my hours my monthly take home pay will be £700 less and only save us £160 a month in childcare.

Me and DH live a comfortable life and we can easily afford for me to drop my hours but I’m not sure he’s going to be too enthralled when I suggest it because I think he will think, “Why should I have to work full time when she doesn’t?”

I just want to be around more whilst the boys are still young and be able to enjoy them without being knackered all the time.

I know again that if I return FT all the housework will fall at my feet too because I’ll be doing it whilst I’m at home 4 days a week so DH won’t even have to worry himself about that. I will just feel like I work FT, pretty much do all the housework, the childcare, the general Mental Load etc all whilst being exhausted from my 14 hour days.

I’m sorry this has been long, I just wanted to provide a thorough description of our life and situation.

I guess I just need help in trying to help my DH see why me dropping my hours is beneficial for us a family.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

£700 is a lot to lose simply because you want to work less? Would you let him cut his hours with that reduction in income?

Going part time is something you both need to be happy with, not just you. It sounds like he wants you both working full time so things are equal.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Just having my dinner and catching up. Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences, I’m taking it all into consideration.

[Bojangles33]

I'm kind of surprised how many people are critical of you wanting to cut your hours! It is potentially a lot of money (although I agree that you should check that as it seems a big drop for a Band 5?) but if you can live happily without it then I would definitely go with it. It's not forever and you will be happier and less resentful of having to do all the housework etc because you aren't so knackered. Speak to DH, maybe he won't be as bothered as you think?

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

You’re completely missing the point.Why should she reduce paid work to focus on chores
The op doesn’t need more time to do chores,she needs a dp who’ll step up

[BrownTurkey]

Yes, invest in your family rather than the bank, you are doing well, this is just a reasonable tweak to make sure you can keep it up. And I did notice that you don't expect dh to do xyz when he has been working, but you do expect yourself to do it - because you are a parent. I imagine he does somewhat get it, because he is used to managing those long days you are at work.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

This family investment will it be equally shared,does her dp need to invest in family bank

[altiara]

I’d do it. That kind of shift work sounds exhausting. I don’t see how getting a cleaner would help dramatically with being tired after such a long day but it’s still a good idea. I also think you’re treating DH differently to yourself with letting him just play with the kids and not do any of the tidying/cleaning etc on those days. Yes he’s worked his week, but so have you.

[Bluelady]

Presumably he steps up to do all the bed time stuff on the days you work?

[SnippitySnappity]

i don't think i'm objecting to the cutting hours, I'm concerned about the current disparity in what she expects of her DH, fear that actually going PT will make things worse and that if you do have an unappreciative DH who's not pulling their weight, going PT and passing up on career progression isn't necessarily the best idea for the whole family.

And if op stopped doing any non-children related things on the weekdays she's not at work, (as presumably her DH does almost zero household stuff the day she works currently), she could see how that went for a while.

4 days a week at home is still a very good crack at time with your kids.

[SnippitySnappity]

yes blue, her DH does the childcare only on the days she works...that's precisely the point of this inequity.

[AppleAndBlackberry]

I say go part time AND get a cleaner AND get DH to start bathing DS and reading his story on alternate nights AND make sure household tasks are shared fairly and you both get some time off at some point in the week.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Op has average 4 days per week off
She’s not raising glassy eyed children who regard her as an absent parent

[NeilPetark]

Why don’t you all eat when he gets in, you put baby to bed and he does DS? Why are you doing both bedtimes? Is he still relaxing? When do you relax?

[Bluelady]

If he's doing childcare three days a week that's almost half. There are still seven days in a week, yes? It seems to be the housework which is unfairly divided and there are two options for dealing with that, either he does half (unlikely) or someone else is paid to do it.

Either way, if I were the OP I'd drop to two days a week whether he likes it or not. The shortage of nurses means it will have very little impact on career progression to slow down for a couple of years. Better that than burn out.

[cerealnamechangers]

I haven't read the full thread, but could you move into a role with more family friendly hours, such as health visiting or district nursing?

[Thissameearth]

Even without horribly long shifts and a husband not pulling his weight why wouldn’t you go part time while kids are v small if you can afford to and want to? I work normal hours as a solicitor and only have 1 but I’m going back 3 days (not compressed). We can afford it and it’s a good balance. You don’t need to be on yours knees before it’s “okay” to do this. I’m sorry that you’re building up to a big conversation about this with DH instead of feeling he’ll support it and actively want his wife and children (and him) to have more relaxed pace and time together. If it’s a career development issue, as you say our working lives are so long now with retirement ages going up, we’ve plenty of time to develop further!

[lostmyfeckingkeysagain]

Those being critical of OP's desire to go part time have clearly never worked a 14 hour shift on a busy hospital ward in a time of austerity. There's a reason why there's a massive recruitment crisis in Nursing at the moment. It's fucking brutal out there.

Getting a cleaner might take the pressure off a bit but it won't change the fact that OP finds the work itself stressful and exhausting. It also doesn't change the fact that long term shift work, especially in a physically demanding profession like Nursing, takes a real toll on your body. Burn out rates are very high in Nursing, cutting your hours can be a way of making sure you can keep doing job you love for longer (and doing it well) before burning out completely.

OP, I used to work the same shift pattern as you and I only lasted a few years before moving into a community post as I was permanently exhausted. And that was pre-DC!! I really don't see why your Husband would object if it won't lead to any financial hardship.

[AHungryMum]

I think the real issue here is the length of your working days. I used to live with a couple of police officers whose work patterns were obviously comparable to yours, one of them had to do late turns or night shifts some of the time, and after her four days on, working 12 hour shifts, she was shattered for the first couple of days of her rest days. I honestly don't know how anyone doing those kind of shift patterns can cope with looking after little kids on their first rest day!

With that in mind, I think it is very sensible in your case to drop one day per week. It's a quality of life consideration for ALL of you. If you're too knackered to get anything done on your non working days, then less gets done. Fewer contracted days per week means fewer weekend days, and more time that you all get to spend together properly as a family. That is to everyone's benefit. If you have one extra day off per week during the week, that also means you can get more laundry/housework/food prep done in the week and that also creates more "down time" for you to be able to actually enjoy the time you spend together as a family. All being at home together on a weekend but with you being busy doing housework is not the same thing - for any of you.

So in my view, that would be the more desirable option, and that would be how I would try to sell the idea to your husband.

The other downside to working such long days is that it makes any reduction of contracted hours more drastic out of necessity. You cannot, due to the length of your shifts, reduce your hours by say 10% or even 20%. It's kind of all or nothing, which I get makes the conversation trickier as any reduction of days is a substantial percentage reduction of your contracted hours and indeed salary/pension.

If you don't end up going part time, I'd agree that getting a cleaner is an absolute no brainier here. It would make everyone's lives so much easier. If on the other hand you do reduce your hours by a third, then I think you have to acknowledge that as that is a fairly hefty percentage reduction, there needs to be a trade off to your husband's benefit and in that scenario I would say it would be absolutely right for you to do a greater share of the housework/cooking etc than him. The status quo does seem unfairly balanced in his favour though.

Hope that helps,

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Im completely aware of the arduous working conditions nhs.
I’m critical of the encouragement that she drop day & pay to get more done at home
No one seems to be suggesting her dp go pt,drop days.onus is on op dropping hours
This need for a parent to be around seems to fall upon op,despite she’s there 4 day p/w

[Etaina]

I'm really surprised by many of the responses here. It sounds as though the real issues for you isn't that your DP doesn't do enough around the house, it's more that your job is absolutely bloody knackering and it takes you days to recover. I really don't think many of those on here have any idea what it's like to work long shifts without a break. Your job is hugely stressful

I think your DP will be very understanding and for me it would be a no brainer. You can survive without the extra £700, you'll be much happier in yourself and your family will benefit from that.

Tbh, if I was you, I'd not only drop my hours to two days a week, I'd get a cleaner too!

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

£700 is a significant amount of money to forgo to have 1 extra day at home
With a £700 drop in salary how do they then afford a cleaner?
Issue is her dp,his lack of regard for her career.the inequitable division of labour
With the attitude her dp displays he'll probably expect she does more as working 2day week

[newyearsameme80]

even if you both did exactly 50/50, that’s still a lot of work (with two young dc) to be squeezed in around two full-time, particularly demanding jobs. If you can afford to make life a bit easier, why not? I don’t know many couples with very young dc were they both work full time other than about one depute head. Very normal to have one who is part time.

[Bojangles33]

But it seems like OP doesn't mind taking on the extra housework etc if she can cut down her hours, so I didn't see that as an issue? It's other people on the thread who seem to be focusing on that. If the OP wants to cut her work hours and focus on family life and can afford to, I don't see that as a lack of equality, or anti-feminist or whatever, because it's the OPs choice?

[Beetlejizz]

There have been a few posts suggesting OP puts it to DH that he go part time...

OP if you're who I think you are, this is as much a DH problem as it is anything else. Is he still a complete slob? You say he pulls his weight and he's good, but the behaviour you describe doesn't fit that description.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Really?most parents I know both work FT,it’s not insurmountable
I’ll ask again why is pt mum viewed as desirable?should her dp go pt some of you are so systematically biased,you are encouraging op go pt
Not her dp mind,just her.after all it’s only money
So,if your own dp wanted to cut hours,drop £700pm would you say it’s only money,go on