To tell my DH I want to reduce my hours after Maternity Leave?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

AIBU to ask you help me with reasons why going back part time is the best option for me?

I’m a nurse and work full time over 3 days. On the 3 days I work (I don’t do nights) I’m out the house from 06.45am until 21.15pm and needless to say, on my days off I’m pretty tired.

DS1 is almost 4 and will be starting school in September. I returned to FT work after he was born and found it draining. On the days I wasn’t at work I felt too tired to really enjoy spending my time with him and due to me ‘only’ working three days a week the majority of housework and childcare fell to me simply because I was home more days a week than my DH was. He works 5 days a week, leaves the house at 7.30am and is home by 5pm.

I’m currently on Mat Leave with DS2 and plan to return to work June/July time when he will be about 10 months old.

My DH has assumed I will be going back FT again but the thought of it fills with me dread. It was a tiring enough way of life with just one child, never mind two. I plan on talking to him about me going back part time and working two days a week instead of three, so 25 hours a week instead of 37.5.

Our childcare fees are pretty minimal anyway so I can’t even use the excuse that dropping my hours will save us money, because it won’t. If I reduce my hours my monthly take home pay will be £700 less and only save us £160 a month in childcare.

Me and DH live a comfortable life and we can easily afford for me to drop my hours but I’m not sure he’s going to be too enthralled when I suggest it because I think he will think, “Why should I have to work full time when she doesn’t?”

I just want to be around more whilst the boys are still young and be able to enjoy them without being knackered all the time.

I know again that if I return FT all the housework will fall at my feet too because I’ll be doing it whilst I’m at home 4 days a week so DH won’t even have to worry himself about that. I will just feel like I work FT, pretty much do all the housework, the childcare, the general Mental Load etc all whilst being exhausted from my 14 hour days.

I’m sorry this has been long, I just wanted to provide a thorough description of our life and situation.

I guess I just need help in trying to help my DH see why me dropping my hours is beneficial for us a family.

[BarbarianMum]

If you are both working full time (regardless of how your hours are arranged)he has 2 choices:

-all housework/childcare/mental load is divided neatly into 2 equal shares or
-you cut your hours and he does less housework/childcare/mental load stuff

[MaybeDoctor]

I misread your OP and thought that you finished at 2.15pm, so was thinking: 'hmm, seems manageable, might fit in well with school collection later on but perhaps if she is feeling the strain with a new baby then two days might be better...'.

Then I saw it was 21.15 and was - no wonder you're bleddy knackered!

I do part-time, but have a long-ish commute into London so am often not home until 8pm. A couple of years ago I reduced my days following a period of depression - it is a much better balance for me. However, I might have to go up again in order to change jobs.

But they are never going to have too many nurses, so I think you will always have the chance to go back to full time when you are ready.

Better to reduce your hours and keep going (keeping your pay, pension and registration up-to-date) than to have a period of ill health or give up altogether.

[BarbarianMum]

This only holds water if you see things like cleaning and childcare as wifework. You are not very lucky to have a dh who is happy for you to work full time and do the lion's share of the household chores. That said, if you refuse to let him pull his weight by leaving 50% of it for him to do, the problem starts with you.

[SnippitySnappity]

i'm not sure i get it then - you're exhausted the 2 days of the working week you're off, but you are pushing yourself to fit all the 'wifework' into those 2 days too and your DH would help you but you've set it up so he doesn't have to.

How would your life be if you just had fun with the DC and only did that on the 2 work week days off and then outsourced or split more chores at the weekend?

I don't think there's anything wrong with your plan op, it just seems that £700 pm is a lot to lose (you could retire earlier for example, you may be pretty beat when you're 55, consider that side of it), and you could:

1. Stop doing the household chores on your working week days off
   
2. Pay for more help with the wife-work
   
   Both of those would allow you to maintain career progression.
   
   YANBU to want to work less, just wanted you test it, AND think about the impact to your retirement dates. We're tired now, yes, but we'll be pretty tired when we're 55-65 too and time now is possibly time paid for then.

[BettyChristmas]

Really, with £1600/month disposable income then just get a cleaner. Your latest post was all housework related and that won’t get better by spending more time at home!

Then get DH to pick up more stuff that becomes relevant as children get older such as birthday parties and buying presents, activities etc.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I suggest you write down the hours that you work, including at home, and compare them to his. He may try, but he really cant argue with the facts. You are working over 3 days you are still doing a full time job but he seems to be viewing you as a part timer as you appear to have more time "off" and he needs to be reeducated on that. Make it clear that the only way you will be working out of the home at all in future is if he pulls his weight in the house, including shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc AND the mental load so you dont end up having to give him lists when he is perfectly capable of working out what needs to be done himself. I appreciate what you said about not wanting him to spend all weekend doing housework when both boys are around but I think you need to make it happen at least a few times simply so he understands what your days are like when you are at home.

The fact is that you have fallen into the ML trap, we all do it. We take on the household tasks when on ML and end up still doing the lions share when back at work.

Oh and a word to the wise.....if you think that he is likely to get stroppy about going PT start by saying you are thinking of not going back at all due to the fact that he gives you no support at home, then "compromise" on part time, usually works a treat

[MatildaTheCat]

I only ever worked part time in my hcp profession after dc. It’s unbelievably tiring working those hours. Any chance of looking for an outpatient role? That worked really well for me although they were at school by then.

Also, I don’t know if you have worked out your salary by just deducting a third but actually your salary isn’t reduced by that much one tax and NI are accounted for. I worked part time and earned more than I though I would.

You cannot buy back those times with your dc. For quality of life alone I would say drop to two days and if possible consider trying a shorter working day as well.

[BarbaraofSevillle]

Are you at home more though, OP? You're both working full time, so should have about the same time at home, it's just that you're doing compressed hours.

If you are doing housework etc while he is at work, he should also be doing a similar amount of house work/cooking/mental load while you are at work. What does he do when he is home alone in the evenings? He needs to be doing something then to pull his weight.

[SnippitySnappity]

yes because it looks to me as though at the moment you both work FT, and you've accepted a misconception people have about nurses that you're some sort of part-timer, and are enabling your DH to do not much at all in his time-off.

It doesn't seem fair really.

[Liz38]

My DH wants me to be happy. If my work life balance isn't right and I'm unhappy and stressed he works with me to change that. I do the same for him. It's not about fair shares of work time and leisure time and who is working harder, it's about us both being as happy as possible. Might your husband not see it this way?

[YeahILoveSummer]

Do it! I don't see any issue if you can afford to drop hours + your husband doesn't help you around the house. Enjoy your kids.

[Winteriscoming18]

I know you're not going to want to hear this but I'd love to compress my hours to the extent you do

You wouldn’t say that if you were a nurse trust me it’s draining when you don’t have dc nm when you do. I think it’s a very sensible idea to reduce your working hours op.

[Amatree]

How about suggesting to DH that you go to 4 days and so does he. If he's complaining about having to work full time while you have 'time off' why doesn't he reduce his hours too and up meet in the middle?

[RedForFilth]

Yanbu, I work in a very similar job to you, 14 hour shifts. Just got a promotion which will be weekdays 9-5 so I can breathe a sigh of relief especially as a single parent as childcare for weekends has been so hard.

However, what if your husband wants to drop a day too? Could you afford it? Just in the interests of fairness.

[NeilPetark]

it just happens that I do more because I’m home more.

This is your mistake OP! You aren’t at home more, you’re at home at a different time of day. You work the same hours. Stop thinking of yourself as part time.

I do two long days a week and it’s lovely. Do it.

[RedForFilth]

Just seen the amount of disposable income you have. That's more than my monthly wage! Just get a cleaner a couple of times a week@

[Bluelady]

Definitely get a cleaner regardless of whether you drop your hours or not. Make life easier for yourself, you're doing a massively stressful job with punishing hours. And thank you for doing it, the NHS would be sunk without people like you. I wish you got paid what you're worth.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

As it stands at the moment the evening is like this:

DH comes in at 5pm and tends to want to relax - fair enough, he’s been at work.

I sort out the tea for oldest DC and tend to BF the baby about then too.

At 6pm I take both children up for a bath.

At 6.45pm I go and settle the baby for bedtime whilst DH gets our eldest into his pyjamas.

At 7.30pm when the baby is asleep I then go into eldest DS’s room, read to him, sing some songs and then tuck him in.

8pm: DH tends to make us something quick to eat.

At the weekends my DH does have more childfree time than me, and he does in the week too, and even though we’re both home at the weekend I would say 75% of child-related duties fall to me which I do whilst tidying up as I go.

DH has seen me at my absolute worst in the past when it comes to how tiring work is. Some weeks I was working 52+ hours in the space of 5 days: two long days, one day off and another two long days, and when I’m out the house for 14 hours each day it near enough breaks me. He’s seen me in tears a few times because of how exhausted and stressed it makes me.

I’m fortunate to be in a job that I love but like I said, the knock on effects of such long hours do take their toll.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Suggest he also drops to 4 days a week as it sounds like you can afford it.

That is what I did with dh. He decided he didn’t want to (which is fine - I’d have preferred if he had but his choice) but any vague “well it’s ok for you” mutterings were met with my spreadsheet proving he could reduce his hours.

Dh now works about 94% as he works a short day one day a week so he can do school pick up. I work 60% which means I can cover the other 4 pick ups. It works well. And it is really nice being at work knowing that I can stay late if I need to as someone else is in charge of childcare that night.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

"Just get a cleaner" is a good starting point but it doesnt address the basic unfairness in the situation and unless the OP pods out for a housekeeper, it sill leaves cooking, shopping, laundry etc to be done.

So while I agree that employing a cleaner is a good idea it needs to be part of an overall shake up of how things work in their house. As Neil said, she isnt at home more, just at different times and that needs to be acknowledged. I think I would be suggesting that one does the shopping and meal planning, the other does all the laundry, they have a cleaner 2/3 times a week and they share the cooking and night before prep for nursery etc. Then extras like birthdays, Xmas are done on a 50/50 basis for the kids and they each do their own families. Whoever has the kids when there is say a birthday party or activity sorts out what they need for that day.

[BiddyPop]

Yes - you are struggling because your DH doesn't see that you do the same working hours as he does but condensed. And you almost don't seem to see it yourself as you keep on top of housework on your 2 days "at home", but don't catch up on rest for yourself that is badly needed.

Get a cleaner once a week or once a fortnight. Preferably a cleaner who will change sheets if you leave out clean ones.

Organise the kitchen so that you have healthy but speedy options for both of you to work with, and make space in the freezer for extra dinners - when you make a spag bol or a curry or anything sauc-y like that, add in enough ingredients to make at least 1 extra portion (for nights you are home so late) or preferably an extra family portion - it generally is a lot less work than starting from scratch again other days. And freeze those extra portions to use when you need them.


I wouldn’t really expect my DH to do much on his weekend day when I’m at work because he’ll have both boys and it can be a nightmare trying to find time to do housework with both of them at your feet.
But is that not exactly what you are doing, and missing out on family time at the weekend because of work - but also missing out on time with the boys during the week because you are trying to do both?

I empathise as, while I am not a nurse, I do work long hours out of the home, I have some travel, DH has a lot of travel, and we have juggled a lot to get where we are with just 1 DD. But we do have a cleaner, we are very organized about stuff, DH is not bad at house stuff (although I still carry most of the mental load) but we have good kitchen/pantry stores, a decent laundry system that works for us, and an acceptance of each other trying their best to keep the balls in the air.

(On laundry, we feel that as we are both out at work, we have more rather than less options. Especially for DD when she was young - crèche might send home 2 dirty outfits along with what she was wearing on a daily basis at times. So we had plenty of cheaper but perfectly wearable and sensible clothes, we would generally do 1 wash a day and try to get that dry daily, but only fold once a week at weekends with all clean items in a specific basket that can be rooted through in the kitchen until then, and DH does all the ironing needed (mostly his shirts) as he took over mine as well as already doing his own when DD arrived and he couldn't feed her).

[MichaelBendfaster]

I will just feel like I work FT, pretty much do all the housework, the childcare, the general Mental Load etc all whilst being exhausted from my 14 hour days.

The phrase mental load jumps out at me from this.

Perhaps if your DH took on a fairer share of that you wouldn't feel you needed to go PT? (I'm not saying you shouldn't go PT, by the way).

[PyongyangKipperbang]

DH comes in at 5pm and tends to want to relax - fair enough, he’s been at work.

When do you get to relax? And I mean proper "someone else is in charge and I can have a couple of hours doing bugger all" relaxation? I suggest you also write a list of how much time is spent doing nothing/chilling. Everyone should have time doing nothing much, and it seems like he gets his but you dont which has to change asap.

[AJPTaylor]

God you are nbu. I had no idea til i caught up with a friend who is a nurse and did the same shifts you did. Genuinely it took the rest of the week to get over it. Luckily she landed a part time community role.
I wouldnt be so sure that dh would have an issue. Why not just say you want to do it for the next year and see how it suits?

[iniquity]

I'm in the same situation , no one can understand how exhausting it is . I doubt a cleaner would help you tbh, cleaning your own home is not exhausting like being on the ward. I think you should reduce the hours, maybe one week of 3 followed by one week of 2, if £700 is too much to loose.