To tell my DH I want to reduce my hours after Maternity Leave?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

AIBU to ask you help me with reasons why going back part time is the best option for me?

I’m a nurse and work full time over 3 days. On the 3 days I work (I don’t do nights) I’m out the house from 06.45am until 21.15pm and needless to say, on my days off I’m pretty tired.

DS1 is almost 4 and will be starting school in September. I returned to FT work after he was born and found it draining. On the days I wasn’t at work I felt too tired to really enjoy spending my time with him and due to me ‘only’ working three days a week the majority of housework and childcare fell to me simply because I was home more days a week than my DH was. He works 5 days a week, leaves the house at 7.30am and is home by 5pm.

I’m currently on Mat Leave with DS2 and plan to return to work June/July time when he will be about 10 months old.

My DH has assumed I will be going back FT again but the thought of it fills with me dread. It was a tiring enough way of life with just one child, never mind two. I plan on talking to him about me going back part time and working two days a week instead of three, so 25 hours a week instead of 37.5.

Our childcare fees are pretty minimal anyway so I can’t even use the excuse that dropping my hours will save us money, because it won’t. If I reduce my hours my monthly take home pay will be £700 less and only save us £160 a month in childcare.

Me and DH live a comfortable life and we can easily afford for me to drop my hours but I’m not sure he’s going to be too enthralled when I suggest it because I think he will think, “Why should I have to work full time when she doesn’t?”

I just want to be around more whilst the boys are still young and be able to enjoy them without being knackered all the time.

I know again that if I return FT all the housework will fall at my feet too because I’ll be doing it whilst I’m at home 4 days a week so DH won’t even have to worry himself about that. I will just feel like I work FT, pretty much do all the housework, the childcare, the general Mental Load etc all whilst being exhausted from my 14 hour days.

I’m sorry this has been long, I just wanted to provide a thorough description of our life and situation.

I guess I just need help in trying to help my DH see why me dropping my hours is beneficial for us a family.

[InaConfusedState]

Happy for you - glad it worked out. And that the NHS got to retain an experienced nurse.

[welshmist]

So glad for you OP all has been resolved so well. As for smaller pension, well down the road you will catch up. :)

[DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy]

OP, I get you. I work 3 similar shifts a week, though not in something as tiring as nursing. People are always jealous of my four days off, but I'm always wiped out on my first day off and then spend a lot of the rest of the time catching up with chores that other people would do after work. I don't get enough sleep between shifts either. The only thing to consider is the impact on your pension - will you be able to afford to retire on a smaller pension?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Just to update those who’d been offering me advice that my Managers sanctioned me returning on reduced hours so all has been sorted and it’s a great weight off my mind!!

[OutyMcOutface]

Well he hasn't supported you in your full time work. The reason why he has to work full time and you don't us because he leaves the bulk of the house work for you to do. Fair division of labour and all.

[Abra1de]

Fingers crossed for you!

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve been in touch with my Manager and we have arranged for me to go and speak to her, she doesn’t know what about though, she just thinks I’m coming in to discuss KIT days.

I am one of the more experienced nurses on the ward, I’ve worked for them for about 6 years in total, I’ve implemented various changes to the wards general running to address how we can improve the care and as much as I’d like to think all that stood for something the reality is that it probably won’t.

I think one of my Managers (I gave two) will be sympathetic to my cause and want to retain me whereas my other Manager and the Clinical Lead will probably see me as just a number as has been previously said.

[NeilPetark]

Can you job share? Do you know anyone that might want to? You would think they would want to keep an experienced band 5 rather than lose you and employ a newly qualified but nursing just doesn’t seem to work like that. We are all just numbers.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Don’t put on the change form that you’ll leave if request denied
Emphasise your skills & contribution to the ward in the 2 days
Problem solve that you’ll do bank shifts on own ward,continuity of familiar staff

[DarthNigel]

At the very least you need to be outsourcing some of the wife Work...get a cleaner if dh wont help with that...

[newyearsameme80]

Phew. I didn’t like to say, but I think it’s usually one a year.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I haven’t thankfully Newyear - it’s still in my handbag waiting to be posted.

[newyearsameme80]

Did you hand in the original request form? That could be an issue as you can’t usually make repeated requests - I would try to retract that form if it’s already gone in.

[SnippitySnappity]

no need to say that in the form queen, and you don't threaten to leave as such, you say that your homelife would suffer to possibly unsustainable levels when you talk to them.

there are ways to say things - if you say on the form 'I'll leave if you don't give me this' (even if it's quite likely true) you may get their backs up.

They aren't that clever to refuse you because at the end of the day, they'll end up with a very disgruntled and tired employee and then at some point you'll end up quitting and doing something more family friendly for less money.

You're right, the years 1-3 with the second DC are gruelling - we're just coming out the other side and both DH and I are exhausted.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

In terms of DH not pulling his weight, it really isn’t as bad as it’s probably come across on here.

For example, last night he cooked us a nice meal, told me not to do the washing up and then he did it before he went to work this morning. He also gets the youngest boy washed and dressed before leaving for work and makes him his breakfast etc just so it’s one less thing that I have to do when I get up.

He also lets me have lie-ins on both weekend days and makes me a cooked breakfast both days.

Regarding the housework falling to me, I only do it because I’m in the house and if I see something that needs doing, I just do it. It just wouldn’t make sense to me to sit in a room that desperately needs hoovering but not do it and then tell DH to do it when he gets home from work. It just seems wrong.

Admittedly I do wish he’d play more of an active role when he does get home from work so I’m not rushing around but apart from that I’m generally happy.

We have separate bathrooms though because I got sick of cleaning it and him never doing it so now he can worry about his own bathroom whilst I enjoy my clean one

[Caroelle]

My SiLs are nurses, they did bank work and evening for Marie Curie, MacMillan, hospices etc. One has now got a 9-5 attached to the local hospice and loves it. There are other opportunities out there, the country has a shortage of nurses as you know! There are always alternatives for someone with your knowdge and skills.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve already completed a flexible working request form which I did about 2-3 weeks ago when I was planning on returning full time.

I will just have to ask for and complete another with the request for reduced hours. Should I put on my form that I may have to look at leaving if they can’t sanction it or would that look like blackmailing?

[YearOfYouRemember]

It sounds like you've made a good start but there is no mention of you telling him he needs to start pulling his weight regarding household things.

[SnippitySnappity]

yes don't go in expecting to be beaten, they don't know that you won't do a bit more travel/retrain and SAH for a year whilst doing that/rely on bank shifts at weekends/SAH for a few years rather than carry on FT.

You need to keep re-iterating that the quality of your home life would suffer to an unsustainable level if you carried on doing full time hours with 2 small DCs.

All the concessions from work I've ever gotten have had to be pushed for, they were never offered.

[newyearsameme80]

It’s good to speak face to face but you also need to go through whatever their flexible working request system is. They can’t just turn you down saying you are replaceable. Find out what form you need.
And what a defeatist attitude to say they know you can’t leave - they don’t know that at all, you have a full time employed partner and could easily be deciding to stay at home for a few years. I know you’re not planning that but they can’t possibly read your mind.

[welshmist]

So glad this is settled amicably. I worked 25 hours, it was more than enough. If you were my DIL my sons would have found I supported their wives.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My DH does work in the evening once the boys are in bed which is a bit rubbish but it’s either that or he stays late at work to do it and then wouldn’t really see the boys before bedtime once he did get home.

We’ve just had another conversation and he’s said he will fully support me whatever I choose and not to worry about the drop in wages.

I’m supposed to be ringing my boss on Friday to discuss my return to work date as I’d previously told them I’d go back full time but I think I will go in and have a face to face discussion about it all and just hope for the best.

[reup]

I’m married to a teacher and he gets home an hour later than your dh (despite working 10 mins away) but he didn’t expect to relax when he got home but play with his children and do bathtime etc. I wasn’t even working much at that time and he did a lot more than yours does. And he worked in the evening when they went to bed. I think you have very low expectations especially as you are working full time.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’m Paeds trained though which limits my options. The hospital I work at is really the only local hospital that has a children’s unit. I could go further afield but it would more than double my current traveling time.

I have previously worked in a 9-5 job and did 30 hours a week but if I’m honest I got bored because I love working in clinical environments. Plus taking a 9-5 job would be worse for our income because there’d be no unsociable hours pay, no weekend pay and we’d also have to pay out more for childcare.

If my Managers say no I’m pretty much stuck where I am and I think they probably know that. There’s no benefit to them of allowing me reduced hours when they know that if they say no it means I will have to work full time hours. They know I can’t leave.

[Beetlejizz]

If they won't sanction it, are you willing to look elsewhere? Do bank? You mention wanting a 9-5 ideally: what about something like family planning nursing? I know that requires another course but you're pretty experienced- I expect you could pass it.