To tell my DH I want to reduce my hours after Maternity Leave?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

AIBU to ask you help me with reasons why going back part time is the best option for me?

I’m a nurse and work full time over 3 days. On the 3 days I work (I don’t do nights) I’m out the house from 06.45am until 21.15pm and needless to say, on my days off I’m pretty tired.

DS1 is almost 4 and will be starting school in September. I returned to FT work after he was born and found it draining. On the days I wasn’t at work I felt too tired to really enjoy spending my time with him and due to me ‘only’ working three days a week the majority of housework and childcare fell to me simply because I was home more days a week than my DH was. He works 5 days a week, leaves the house at 7.30am and is home by 5pm.

I’m currently on Mat Leave with DS2 and plan to return to work June/July time when he will be about 10 months old.

My DH has assumed I will be going back FT again but the thought of it fills with me dread. It was a tiring enough way of life with just one child, never mind two. I plan on talking to him about me going back part time and working two days a week instead of three, so 25 hours a week instead of 37.5.

Our childcare fees are pretty minimal anyway so I can’t even use the excuse that dropping my hours will save us money, because it won’t. If I reduce my hours my monthly take home pay will be £700 less and only save us £160 a month in childcare.

Me and DH live a comfortable life and we can easily afford for me to drop my hours but I’m not sure he’s going to be too enthralled when I suggest it because I think he will think, “Why should I have to work full time when she doesn’t?”

I just want to be around more whilst the boys are still young and be able to enjoy them without being knackered all the time.

I know again that if I return FT all the housework will fall at my feet too because I’ll be doing it whilst I’m at home 4 days a week so DH won’t even have to worry himself about that. I will just feel like I work FT, pretty much do all the housework, the childcare, the general Mental Load etc all whilst being exhausted from my 14 hour days.

I’m sorry this has been long, I just wanted to provide a thorough description of our life and situation.

I guess I just need help in trying to help my DH see why me dropping my hours is beneficial for us a family.

[SnippitySnappity]

yes i totally agree with pyongyang. you should sit your DH down, run the numbers on likely promotions, pension and retirement age and perhaps it could be better overall that you both retired 5 years earlier and he pulled more weight at home/you outsourced than you giving up a day a week.

OTOH, maybe you decide the cost of 5 years working PT is worth it for you, as a family, and DH chases a likely promotion and pension rise? You need a clear-headed conversation and you should correct his somewhat self-serving assumptions til now.

What shouldn't happen is that DH insists you continue full time and doesn't change what he does at all, 1 to 2 DC is a big jump, we struggled a lot in the years since we had the second - mostly because we didn't sit and properly iron out the various jobs to be done.

[Parker231]

If you reduce your hours, could your DH reduce his as well to make for an equal balance?

[SleepingStandingUp]

the thought of it fills with me dread. It was a tiring enough way of life with just one child, never mind two
This should be enough. He loves you, and your happiness should be important. Why would this not be enough for him to say yeah I agree!

If he says oh but I shouldn't have to work full time whilst you're only part time, my life is so hard, oh poor poor me - point out the housework imbalance. Remind him that you being home for 4 days out of 7 mens you do lots of the flexible housework when he isn't there ie ironing, washing. He's welcome to do more of this in his own time. Or he can talk to work about reduced hours too on a day when you are at work - he can do exactly what you do on your day "off" which includes childcare, washing, cleaning, tidying, playgroups, dinner etc

[SleepingStandingUp]

Parker231 I assume part of that equal balance would include DH actually doing housework and childcare then?

[DrWhy]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I currently work 5 normal days and our drop in income would be similar, perhaps slightly more however it’s perfectly affordable (we’d either somewhat reduce what goes into savings or moderate our lifestyle - for example not have every weekend lunch in a cafe!) but I can’t get DH to agree to it. In my case it’s driven by missing my son hugely as well as not enjoying work and feeling that I spend my evenings and a good chunk of weekend doing household drudgery. In our case we already have a cleaner once a fortnight but there’s plenty that needs doing in between. Unless you can afford a live in housekeeper you aren’t going to get someone who will do your washing, drying, folding and putting away, daily tidy and pick up of children’s toys, cooking and cleaning up, shopping and putting away, plus all the insurances, MOTs, TV licence, vehicle documents etc etc. Online shopping seems to take me as long as actually going out and there’s only so much prepared food you can use with a baby or toddler - pre-peeled and chopped veg is fine but the sauces almost always have too much salt and sugar.
Sorry, this isn’t a solution but you have my sympathy- in my case DH simply does not want to accept the drop in income, he wants to live the lifestyle he was fortunate to grow up with, be mortgage free by 40 and retire at 55. I can’t get through to him that time with our toddler is worth more than that. He also resents the idea of me having a day off when he doesn’t and if I suggest we both do 90% he just says we’ll end up doing a full time job for 90% of the pay - which is probably true for us. If you find a solution please let me know!

[buttfacedmiscreant]

What helped us was writing a list of every single thing that is done to keep the household running, every tiny or big thing. Buying birthday cards, remembering birthdays and sending birthday card were seperate items for instance. Cleaning the toilet, remembering that the car needs servicing, taking it to be serviced, hours worked at work. We did this for our kids more than me and DH because the teens thought that as I only worked part time or not at all (changes) that I had lots of leisure time and they shouldn't have to help out around the house (HA!). However, once DH saw the list and saw how many things I keep track of (he does a lot too, this is not a DH sucks post) he was surprised and re-evaluated.

[Mummaofboys]

Sometimes it’s not about money but the fact your children will have their Mummy around a bit more to me that’s worth far more.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

And that hallmark card sentimentality doesn’t fill a fridge or pay bills.£700 does
Is it ok for a man to cut down his wages and working hours too,or just mum

[Parker231]

SleepingStandingUp - her DH not doing an equal share of household and childcare tasks is a separate issue. That should always apply - not sure why it hasn’t in this case. However, household and childcare being equally divided, if she wants to reduce her hours, her DH should also have that option.

[Bluelady]

That £700 isn't filling the fridge or paying the bills, it's being saved.

[iniquity]

They have £1500 disposable income month lipstick, sometimes wellbeing and time is worth more not to mention the health benefits.

[BellyBean]

Could you pay for another day's childcare even though you're not at work? Use it to recover and do some chores that are difficult with a little one around?

Perhaps use this option as a lever to going part time - full time as was isn't an option, either another day childcare or part time?

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Op said If i reduce my hours my monthly take home pay will be £700 less
That’s £700 cash, not unicorn hugs or mummy loveunits.cash
£700 that pays bills fills a fridge

[Bluelady]

It really doesn't.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Oh the op lives in a special place were cash has no value,bills pay themselves?

[Fefifoefum]

Are you sure it would be a drop of £700 take home?! I’m assuming you’re a band 5? With no nights £700 is almost half the average take home.... have you factored in your tax free allowance etc in your calculations.

I’m with you though, long days are truly exhausting. You NEED to share the load at home, however you don’t want to spend all your days off cleaning etc, he probably doesn’t ethier, get a cleaner! Best thing we ever did!

[Sofabitch]

£700 a month is a lot.

Personally I'd consider spending half that on outsourcing as a compramise.

1 day a week childcare for you to recover. A cleaner 2x a week a gardener 2x a month

[rookiemere]

YANBU OP.
I think you're getting a double whammy because of your compressed hours. As you work less overall days you're expected to - or expecting yourself to - pick up all the household stuff in the rest of the time, whereas if you had a standard pattern you wouldn't expect that to be possible. It is possible to outsource some stuff, but even with an online shopping list, cleaner, low standards etc. etc. two parents working f/t with 2 under 5s is quite a lot going on.

It's a bit of a shame you didn't have this discussion before you became pregnant, because it's natural that your DH would expect the status quo to remain.

Speak to him about what you want to do - perhaps put a time limit on it - so perhaps when youngest is at preschool you could up your hours again, or it could be reviewed on an annual basis. You'll still be working, just reducing your hours somewhat for a period of time.

[HadronCollider]

OP I say tell your husband how you are feeling and you are defo NBU not to return full time. I think you sound it's just all too much and I would ask your DH to perhaps support a career break for a while. Life's too short.

[newyearsameme80]

I’m a teacher OP and I think your dh is a dick.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

No.why should op stop a career she loves to concentrate on domestic tasks
Her dp needs to equitably share the tasks, make her feel supported
This isn’t about her job,it’s the inequity of labour and she doesn’t feel valued

[Illstartexercisingtomorrow]

Surely if you have two children that in itself is a full time job?? Why are you having to justify why you need to cut down your hours?

You are doing a full time job (nursing) then another full time job (childcare) then all the housework.

The main problem here seems to be that you and your DH are only counting what can be written numerically - income and hours. What about quality of life, overall house workload, input into your children’s lives, taking time for yourselves to mentally recharge? These things matter too and don’t be afraid to believe it or say it.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

No having children isn’t a ft job in any way,shape or fashion.thats utter rot
You see a job is undertaken for salary,has a JD,person spec,subject to external scrutiny
Being a parent isn’t a job

[rookiemere]

Oh let's not have this debate again.

Besides Op is not the one suggesting that she gives up her job. She merely wants to scale it back for a period of time when the DCs are young and need most attention. Can't see what's unreasonable about trying to balance things for a few years

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Why should she scale back career?Why not him?why is it woman giving up