To tell my DH I want to reduce my hours after Maternity Leave?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

AIBU to ask you help me with reasons why going back part time is the best option for me?

I’m a nurse and work full time over 3 days. On the 3 days I work (I don’t do nights) I’m out the house from 06.45am until 21.15pm and needless to say, on my days off I’m pretty tired.

DS1 is almost 4 and will be starting school in September. I returned to FT work after he was born and found it draining. On the days I wasn’t at work I felt too tired to really enjoy spending my time with him and due to me ‘only’ working three days a week the majority of housework and childcare fell to me simply because I was home more days a week than my DH was. He works 5 days a week, leaves the house at 7.30am and is home by 5pm.

I’m currently on Mat Leave with DS2 and plan to return to work June/July time when he will be about 10 months old.

My DH has assumed I will be going back FT again but the thought of it fills with me dread. It was a tiring enough way of life with just one child, never mind two. I plan on talking to him about me going back part time and working two days a week instead of three, so 25 hours a week instead of 37.5.

Our childcare fees are pretty minimal anyway so I can’t even use the excuse that dropping my hours will save us money, because it won’t. If I reduce my hours my monthly take home pay will be £700 less and only save us £160 a month in childcare.

Me and DH live a comfortable life and we can easily afford for me to drop my hours but I’m not sure he’s going to be too enthralled when I suggest it because I think he will think, “Why should I have to work full time when she doesn’t?”

I just want to be around more whilst the boys are still young and be able to enjoy them without being knackered all the time.

I know again that if I return FT all the housework will fall at my feet too because I’ll be doing it whilst I’m at home 4 days a week so DH won’t even have to worry himself about that. I will just feel like I work FT, pretty much do all the housework, the childcare, the general Mental Load etc all whilst being exhausted from my 14 hour days.

I’m sorry this has been long, I just wanted to provide a thorough description of our life and situation.

I guess I just need help in trying to help my DH see why me dropping my hours is beneficial for us a family.

[Unihorn]

I'm part time working 27-30 hours over 3 days at the moment. I work one weekday then Saturday and Sunday when my husband is off so we only have to pay for nursery one day a week... Not ideal in terms of spending time together but saves a huge amount on childcare and he's got sole responsibility for the baby on the weekends so I get a slight break (even if my break is working). Is there a chance of putting in a flexible working request specifying which days you work? I'm not familiar with NHS policies.

My husband has happily facilitated this however and has suggested that I give up work once we're in a financially better position to look after the children as I'm pregnant again.

[ExConstance]

Another vote for a cleaner and whatever else you can find to reduce the stress. I worked more than full time hours when my sons were young and used to rely on a good cleaner, a nanny who enjoyed ironing and cooking and grocery deliveries to keep me sane.

[MatildaTheCat]

People suggesting cleaners etc are missing the point that after three long days the OP feels utterly exhausted and can’t enjoy her time off. Having help might be nice but she will still feel crap.

Go pt and try to reduce the length of shift. Tbh I believe it’s dangerous working such long days in very highly pressured health settings. It’s just not possible to function as well when you are beyond knackered.

[Love51]

The beauty of your job being nursing is that if you reduce your hours then down the line need more money, you will be able to pick up more hours. Nurses are never unemployed long. So suggest it as a trial.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I don’t get to have “time off” as such as baby is B/F so I never get to be without him for long periods of time. At the weekend though DH will send me up to the bedroom and tell me to shut myself away for a few hours or go and have a bath etc.

I’m just worried that by going back full time and things being as they are at home I’m just going to burn out. I just want to be able to enjoy my children whilst they’re young and not be stressed and exhausted all the time.

My DH is a teacher so I joke about him being part time too because of all the holidays and Bank Holidays he has off etc and he says he deserves that time off whereas apparently nurses have it easy only having to work 3 days a week so we are ‘true’ part-timers.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

People suggesting cleaners etc are missing the point that after three long days the OP feels utterly exhausted and can’t enjoy her time off. Having help might be nice but she will still feel crap.

100% this.

I just don’t want to feel exhausted and crap all the time when I have young children, I want to be able to enjoy them

[Curtainshopping]

You aren’t at home more, you’re at home at a different time of day. You work the same hours. Stop thinking of yourself as part time.

This!

[BettyChristmas]

He’s a teacher!! What does he spend the school holidays doing?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

It sounds like he isnt entirely joking as he sees you as being part time already.

Seriously do the list of hours per week doing what, he needs to have his head smacked (metaphorically) over his attitude.

[YearOfYouRemember]

It's ridiculous that a husband and father would say it isn't fair that his wife works part time when he works full time. Is he three?

I agree you should cut your hours down but you do need to spell it out to him that there is more to being a parent and running a home than making money.

You need to work out what you want, what you'll compromise on and what you'll give up to get what you want. Then listen to him.

Neither of you work part time and frankly, getting home at 5 every day is pretty good going.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

The problem isn’t your work pattern, it’s your dp and abhorrent way he treats you
I see your issues, I see dp doesn’t pull his weight with family & chores

As a couple you need to make decisions jointly,in collaboration.you can’t just decide.

But £700month is a big hit,you both need to agree. Need to talk

Plus if he thinks you’ve got it easy on 3 days, he’ll be less inclined to help when you work 2

Fundamentally your dp doesn’t value your job, whereas he feels he works soooo hard

[NeilPetark]

DH is a teacher so I joke about him being part time too because of all the holidays and Bank Holidays he has off etc and he says he deserves that time off whereas apparently nurses have it easy only having to work 3 days a week so we are ‘true’ part-timers.


I’d be fuming if my DH came out with this.

[Bananmanfan]

Can you both drop hours? You should definitely reduce your hours and suggest to your dh that he does too.
Me & DH are (finally) both working 4 days per week. We may have to economise slightly, but we are both much happier.

[SnippitySnappity]

so you're saying, the main reason you feel exhausted is the amount you are working, not the fact that you do what looks like near 100% of the domestic load as well as working FT?

It is uncomfortable that you've not corrected your DH seeing you as a part-timer when you aren't PT - I do worry for you about the resentment building up - you've got a DH who is the king pin who works 'so hard' whereas you look to me as though til now, you're actually working much harder.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

He’s a teacher!! What does he spend the school holidays doing?

In his defence he takes our son on holiday over Easter to give me a break and usually in the Summer holidays too.

He doesn’t shy away from his share - like a previous poster has said, maybe I need to just slow down and stop doing so much.

[SnippitySnappity]

i know what you mean about the work being the easiest thing to cut - I get it, but there are consequences in career progression terms, you're facilitating your DH's career and he doesn't even see it as he already thinks you're a part-timer.

When does it get easier for you to move ahead in your career? DC at primary and secondary school still need a huge amount of input.

It'd grind my gears, but I'm not you.

[Bluelady]

I honestly can't see how having a cleaner wouldn't help. Surely life would be less tiring if you could look after the children on the days you're not working and never touch a hoover or an iron?

[MichaelBendfaster]

He’s a teacher!! What does he spend the school holidays doing?

My dad used to be a teacher (largely retired now) and mostly I remember him working in the holidays and at weekends.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

In his defence he takes our son on holiday over Easter to give me a break and usually in the Summer holidays too.

Hmmm - I remember you! You are the one who never gets to go on holiday because you have to use your holidays to cover for your husband going on jollies?

[SnippitySnappity]

have you considered the pension impact - both age of retirement and amount of pension? People always think short term - leaving promotions aside, you ought to, as a couple, sit down and work out howmany years you'd do it for, and the true cost.

If you wanted to, you could factor in likely promotions/progression that wouldn't happen too.

[Tiredmum100]

I'm a mum to two boys (4&6) and also work as a nurse. I was full time before ds 1 but returned part time. I work 22.5 hours (7.5 hours/3 days a week). I recently left a ward where I was doing 12.5 hour shifts, two was enough for me a week, I totally get the tiredness. I find part time much easier in terms of managing the housework, school run, making packed lunches, life with children generally. I like being able to take and pick them up to and from school. Yanbu to want a better work/life balance. We manage with out the extra money. I think our lifestyle has changed a lot so we don't waste so much money as we might have before. They are little for such a short amount of time. I do intend to work full time again when they are a bit older but for now it suits us as a family for me to work part time. Saying that I have friends in our profession with little ones who work full time and some who work 18 hours a week. You've got to do what suits you.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts - I’m off to get the eldest from pre-school and then evening routines start. I will catch up later tonight when the boys are both in bed.

[sleepylittlebunnies]

I’m a nurse and have worked 2 night shifts a week since having my first DC 10 years ago. Now all 3 children are at school I haven’t increased my contracted hours but instead work extra shifts as and when it suits us. Could you drop to 2 long days and pick up extras in the school holidays?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I do think that if you had more support at home, more chance to just be when you are at home and less of the chores and mental load then you would probably find work a lot less stressful.

One of the great myths of early feminism was that we can have it all. The reality is that we just end up doing it all and that is not equality any more than staying at home barefoot and pregnant was. You both need to realise that your contribution to your life as a family currently far outweighs his both physically and mentally and that in order for you to get through the tough early years, that balance needs to be redressed.

You have 3 full time jobs between you. 2 that are paid and 1 in the home. You are currently doing 2 jobs to his 1, no wonder you are suffering!

[PyongyangKipperbang]

You dont get holidays because he is fucking off on his own?!

You have bigger problems than work my love. If he does do that then you are married to a selfish git and its about time you stood up to him.