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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend wants to come over ...aibu to say no?

90 replies

Ohwayway2345 · 04/02/2018 17:37

I’ve never had many friends.
I’m 32 now and just made friends about 6 months ago with a woman who I get on with and is funny.
We had a night out a month ago and had fun.
She’s asked me to go out next weekend and I told her I didn’t really have cash.
She said “how about I come over with some wine and we will order a takeaway and watch a film”
This put the fear of god in me...what if we have nothing to say etc etc and sharing a bed etc etc.
Shall I say no? Or actually enjoy having a friend?
I think I’m nervous because I’m not used to having anybody.

OP posts:
Twoo · 04/02/2018 18:10

If the thought of doing what your friend suggested put the fear of god in you, don’t do it. We aren’t all the same and not everyone likes to do cosy nights in with a friend. It would not appeal to me either.

TheHappyRedDragon · 04/02/2018 18:10

I get social anxiety so I can understand you overthinking things but this sounds fine and normal to me. I suspect you’ll have a really enjoyable evening.

Even though you are worried about your daughter’s routine, one night sleeping in with you whilst your friend has her room will be absolutely fine.

Ohwayway2345 · 04/02/2018 18:15

Thank you everyone for your suggestions.
I must sound like a crazy person.
I’ve always been like this,it’s silly.
How many things I’ve also missed out on.

OP posts:
Chugalug · 04/02/2018 18:17

I've had a friend for 15 yrs..twice I've been in her house..she doesn't like people in...that's fine,I accept it ,not a problem..a good friend won't push to-come over

georgeoutside · 04/02/2018 18:21

I would just be honest and say you are not comfortable with that. Not everybody is. I have e a friend who has someone stay over at her house most weekends. I have never stayed because it's just not for me. It's ok to be honest with people about how you feel.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2018 18:22

Sounds lovely. Offer her the couch, or put couch cushions on the floor and cover with sheet like a mattress. Or child's bed if that's viable, providing child is not in a toddler bed.

borlottibeans · 04/02/2018 18:23

I could share with my daughter but it took me so long to get her in her own room I’m scared in case it knocks Her routine off and she wants to sleep in every night

Aha! Assuming you want to stay friends but aren't ready for this stage yet...

"That sounds like fun but I'm really worried about messing up my daughter's night time routine as it took so long to get her in her own room. How about [daytime thing] instead?"

I know exactly how you feel. My space is my own (well, my partner's too I suppose) and while I'm ok with someone coming round for tea/a few drinks I have to know them quite well before I'm comfortable with them sleeping on the sofa.

I think deep down I'm worried they'll have a good snoop around the living room while I'm asleep and judge my book collection or find a months-old apple core under the sofa or something.

Plus I am often quite grumpy when I wake up in the morning and need coffee before I can manage friendly conversation. I have to feel confident that anyone who stays over isn't going to take it personally when I hide in my massive fluffy dressing gown and grunt at them.

namechangedtoaskaQ · 04/02/2018 18:24

I think you're just overthinking it Op. She won't expect to sleep in your bed. And if she does then I'd find that a little strange.

If you do want your friend to come over then I don't think you're dc will be too put out sharing a bed you, and as previous posts said put your friend in child's room.

namechangedtoaskaQ · 04/02/2018 18:25

But I don't like guests staying at my house. Unless close family etc.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2018 18:26

Or if you really don't want to, meet up for a coffee, or a cheap but cheerful lunch or dinner.

LizzieMacQueen · 04/02/2018 18:29

Does your sofa have removable cushions? If yes just put them on the floor for her......or do you think she is hitting on you?

ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo · 04/02/2018 18:31

If you've got the space, and are near somewhere like ikea, I'd buy a lightweight spare mattress to put on the floor.
When your friend comes over, either she can sleep on it in the sitting room, or you can sleep on it on your daughter's floor. It'll be more comfortable than an airbed!
You just need to make sure you have somewhere to store it so it can air after you've slept on it as adults do sweat a lot a night. We used to have a small double futon mattress for this, and it got used as a play mat as well.

BuzzKillington · 04/02/2018 18:31

I often share a bed with girlfriends, but I have known them for years and we are really close.

You barely know this woman - I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a bed. What makes you think she expects to?

Ohwayway2345 · 04/02/2018 18:35

When we went on our night out she stayed over and shared my bed.
I spent most of the night,.paranoid I was going to pass wind in my sleep Grin.
I suppose I’ve did it once,I can do it again.

OP posts:
f83mx · 04/02/2018 18:37

sharing a bed with a new friend is quite full on! As others have said either - share with your child so she can have single, put the cushions from the sofa on the floor, ask her to bring sleeping bag or an air bed if she has one and make her a bed on the living room floor.

KnobZombie7 · 04/02/2018 18:38

Go for it! Ask her what takeaway she wants and have it arrive when she does so any awkward initial chit-chat is focused on the food and eating. Open the wine at the same time. After you've finished eating, the wine should have had some effect and you'll feel more relaxed. Make sure you agree on the film beforehand too. Get some nibbles and more wine to have during the film.

Glad you posted here otherwise they may have been very awkward moments leading up to 'who sleeps where'. She would absolutely not expect to share a bed with you - you're new friends and you're adults.
If she does, then just offer her the sofa.

Have some stuff you can make for breakfast and have a prearranged (real or not) event to go to the following day. Let her know about this before she comes round so she'll have to be gone by 10am, say.

You will feel uncomfortable at first - after all this is all very much out of your comfort zone but give it a go.

Conversation - the film you'll be watching is the first topic. Find out about the actors or theme, to fill gaps. Talk about your child. Have some anecdotes up your sleeve. Maybe she's a chatty person and you won't have to worry.

But please try and give it a go. I think you'll regret it if you don't. You may hate it all and never have to do anything like it again, or it may open up a whole new way of living and social opportunity for you. You may not have the chance again.

NewYearNewMe18 · 04/02/2018 18:42

Ash her to bring a sleeping bag and pillow and she can kip on the sofa.

Or you put out a spare pillow and throw for her.

You're really over thinking this.

KnobZombie7 · 04/02/2018 18:42

Or...

... just be honest - say certain social situations make you anxious. Suggest another night out instead. If she's a good person and wants to be your friend, she'll understand.

Emmageddon · 04/02/2018 18:43

Another vote for an airbed, Home Bargain sell them really cheaply and you'll get the use out of it when your child is older and has sleepovers with friends. Have a great evening!

Ohwayway2345 · 04/02/2018 18:46

The ironic thing is she is so so easy going.
She is polar opposite to me yet we get on.

OP posts:
Ohwayway2345 · 04/02/2018 18:46

Il have a look in home bargains tomorrow ...thanks guys for your reassurance.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 04/02/2018 18:50

Argos has a single air bed with a pump for 14.99 at the moment. Get that and you're sorted and she can sleep in the living room.

becotide · 04/02/2018 18:53

Come on you will be ok. I know it's a bit freaky to suddenly have to switch to friend mode after not having them and focussing on your DD but this is important

GracielaSabrocita · 04/02/2018 18:54

Accept her offer and enjoy a night with your friend but share your bed with your daughter NOT your friend. Sharing a bed is far more intrusive and personal than sharing an evening. (Your friend will probably prefer this option too.)

I'm sure your daughter is capable of understanding that she needs to sleep in your bed for one night only due to a visitor stopping over.

Enjoy!

MiddleClassProblem · 04/02/2018 18:59

Ok, with the latest information (sorry but it is a bit drip feedy) that she has stayed and shared your bed before it’s a whole other kettle of fish.

I’m not sure what to say as you have done it once before so it’s harder to think of a reason not to.