Aibu re gender disappointment

[fakebake44]

Aibu to not find our baby's gender as I am terrified of gender disappointment?

Anyone any guesses on this little one at 13 and 21 weeks

Jaygee

Are you suggesting that you think some people don't think the most important thing is for their babies to be healthy? I stand by the fact that I think it's unfair to suggest otherwise.

(And yes I know there are a few people around the world who prioritise the sex of their babies over the babies themselves)

Maybe do the Paloma Faith thing and just think of your child as gender neutral and refer to “it” as - “them” and a “they”.

Or, think how fortunate you are. It always worries me, the long term impact on a child who isn’t the correct sex for their parents.

Anyway, that’s a bit you’re having. Congratulations!

Or a boy!

People's reasons for gender disappointment can be for many reasons, it's not fair to judge. Maybe a woman might not want a daughter because she has a shite relationship with her mother, for instance. It's not logical but then these things generally aren't.

In my case despite a few miscarriages I was desperate for a boy. I found out the sex because I was worried if I didn't and it was a girl, when she was born I'd feel sad whereas if I knew in advance I'd get over it. As it happens he was a boy so I don't know how I'd feel. I didn't like feeling that way, I didn't ask for it, but I couldn't help it.

I do know now that there is sod all difference between them but I knew that then too. It just had no rhyme or reason to it.

Why bother if you can’t be happy with either?!

Also I worry the "think how fortunate you are" is shelled out as a platitude. It was said to me when I had PND. It did not help.

PND is very different t to being sad because your baby has a penis

Never really understood the disappointment of a baby's sex. You get what you're given, suck it up. If you think you'll be dissapointed then I'd imagine it's better to deal with it during pregnancy rather than once the baby is here. You don't want to be unable to enjoy your newborn because you're disappointed that it's not the one you wanted.

Anyway, another vote for a boy here. But I'd definitely find out from someone qualified!

I found out gender of both my dds not due to gender disappointment due to wanting to buy clothes

People's reasons for gender disappointment can be for many reasons, it's not fair to judge. Maybe a woman might not want a daughter because she has a shite relationship with her mother, for instance. It's not logical but then these things generally aren't.

If a woman is projecting her own issues onto an unborn baby like that then she might benefit from counselling. I'm not saying that flippantly - I've been having counselling throughout my current pregnancy, and one of the things we've talked about a lot is ways to ensure that I don't let negative inherited patterns persist into my own parenting.

I wanted a girl, already had a boy. 3 scans said I was having a much wanted and dreams of girl. Lo and behold, my second DS was born shortly after.

The moment I saw him, I loved him. Fiercely, despite the surprise. To be honest though, if they had scanned and told me the day before, that I was having a boy, I think I would have been absolutely gutted. I do understand the deserve for a particularly sex, I can't justify it but have experienced the desire. But, luckily for me and my fantastic DS', it actually didn't matter at all.

Desire not deserve!

It doesn’t matter, it is what it is. Be grateful for that scan picture, there’s lots of people on here who would kill for the scan of a healthy baby in their womb

Pretty certain that’s a boy

People's reasons for gender disappointment can be for many reasons, it's not fair to judge. Maybe a woman might not want a daughter because she has a shite relationship with her mother, for instance. It's not logical but then these things generally aren't.

TBH if someone has a gender preference for that sort of reason they need to ask themselves whether they are actually ready to be a parent.

Being disappointed by the sex of your child is bloody ridiculous
Yes this is all.

I think it depends WHY you have a preference.

Do you want a girl because you have a lovely relationship with your mother and your sister and your niece?

Or maybe you want a boy because your anxiety means the voices in your head are telling you that you must kill yourself if it's a girl?

I had the latter so finding out at twenty weeks meant I would have had the opportunity to be treated for those suicidal thoughts before I had a newborn.

As it happened, the baby was the "right" sex. Instead we got the news that he was showing early signs of a condition incompatible with life.

Are you suggesting that you think some people don't think the most important thing is for their babies to be healthy?

Actually, in that moment I was thinking "ok tell me more (but at least he's a boy)".

I was SEVERELY unwell, obviously. But if you go into the gender (actually sex) preference debate thinking that it's just fussiness about pink frilly clothes and dismiss anyone as selfish who expresses any preference you risk preventing women with perinatal MH problems from being able to discuss them. Apparent irrationality or inconsistency such as not looking at USS but obsessively consulting strangers about nub theory, ring theory, bump shape, food cravings or aversions etc could be part of that.

Strong gender preference can be an indicator of MH difficulties. OP, if you think that might apply to you then now is the perfect time to talk to your midwife about it.

If on the other hand it's just a passing fancy or you're getting noise from family and friends, give yourself a gentle shake and know that babies and children and adults follow their own path regardless of our plans and hopes and dreams for them.

you mean sex surely - gender is not biological

Already had 2dds and went for the scan for my 3rd. Could clearly see he was a boy and I was shocked and frankly upset. I held it in and didn’t voice my disappointment, it’s just that I had only ever had girls, the majority of babies born in my family were girls and I knew how to deal with them. The few boys I knew well were very needy, whiny and clingy and therefore imagined that was going to be how my son turned out.
I spent the rest of the pregnancy feeling a bit down and not really looking forward to having a boy.
The very second he flew out onto that bed, I loved him with every piece of my heart that I had, I couldn’t believe I had even spent one second doubting that I might ever not. Ultimately, I wish I hadn’t seen the sex on the scan as I imagine finding out at the birth he was a boy would have evoked the same reactions as I did have, only I think it would have cut out the 5 or whatever months of pregnancy I felt a bit flat for.

Referring to a pp, and comments along the lines of ‘think how fortunate you are, people would give everything to have their own baby,’ well frankly that’s their business. This was to do with me and how I felt. No reflection on anyone else trying to conceive.

Is it always a race to the bottom on here at the moment?

PND is very different t to being sad because your baby has a penis

Well it wasn't for me. For me it was a precursor to my PND.

However, I wanted a boy.

Never understood these threads, I dont understand why if someone has a strong preference for one sex, they would get pregnant in the first place knowing theres a 50% chance they don't get the sex they want confused

^^ that

Tough shit really. If you planned a pregnancy, you must have known there is no way of guaranteeing one or the other.

I hate these threads too. And it’s almost always people who want it to be a girl

Disappointment is an emotion. Not a logical thought process. We have no idea which gender op is hoping for (why the assumption that she doesnt want a boy?).

We don't know why she has a preference. It could be for any number of reasons. Maybe she was attacked in the past and doesn't want a girl who could go through the same. Maybe she was attacked in the past and can't get her head round living with a boy. Maybe her previous child died and she can't bear the thought of having a child the same/different sex. Maybe she has an overbearing family member who has a strong preference and can't deal with the thought of them taking over. Maybe this will be her last/only child and the dreams for her future she's had since she was a child will now never come to pass. Maybe she has an awful relationship with her mother, or her brother with her mother. Etc. Etc.

What is clear is that she is feeling vulnerable right now and all the self-righteous "you should be grateful you're having a baby" is not going to help her one bit. She's not stupid. She knows she "should" be feeling happy and delighted she's having a baby. Everyone keeps telling her that. Probably in real life too. But we don't even know if her baby was planned. If she wanted to be pregnant. If she was coerced or if it was a contraceptive failure. So please, lay off with all the judgemental shit. If OP is posting for help, then she needs help. If OP was posting to have her feelings of guilt confirmed and to be slated for it, then she she needs help, not condemnation.

OP, I hope you can find someone you can talk to and wish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.

If OP is posting for help, then she needs help.

But that's working on the assumption that it is more helpful to encourage the idea that the sex of the baby is very important and it's completely normal and fine to feel disappointed about getting the 'wrong' sex than it is to challenge that. Counting your blessings isn't necessarily condescending advice, it can be genuinely helpful way of readjusting your perspective when you've allowed it to get off-kilter.