Aibu re gender disappointment

[fakebake44]

Aibu to not find our baby's gender as I am terrified of gender disappointment?

Anyone any guesses on this little one at 13 and 21 weeks

I think lots of people have a preference. It's how you deal with it and how big it becomes that can be the problem.

I'd say your LO looks like a boy.

Being disappointed by the sex of your child is bloody ridiculous.

If you are lucky enough get a healthy baby and you provide a safe, loving, enriching and supportive environment for them to grow up in then whether they have a penis or a vagina is largely irrelevant - or should be and anyone saying otherwise should rightly feel a little ashamed.

Boys and girls are equally valid, equally miraculous and should be equally loved and given equal chances in life - so starting off with a parent who didn't want them to be what they are would be very sad indeed. Maybe have a word with yourself and try and change your perspective before you have the privilege of becoming a parent.

Is it girls or boys you dislike?

Looks like a boy to me..but what do l know

Do you want to talk OP?

13 week scan looks like a girl. You can't tell anything from the later one as the 'nub theory' doesn't work after around 13 weeks.

I'd seek out other forums though, you'll get a bit of a rough ride in AIBU.

I think it looks like a boy nub as it’s slightly raised. Girls tend to be flatter.

I'd say find out. You don't have to tell anyone until baby is born. But you can start to refer to the baby (in your head) by name and get used to the idea.

Even if you find out the sex, how can you guarantee they would conform to the stereotypes of that sex?
Yes I think YABVVVU.

Why would you get pregnant if one sex is only acceptable to you?

I don't get gender disappointment, it says to one gender you aren't good enough and sends a message to the other that they are only good enough based on the sex not them themselves.

After a 'few' boys I wanted a girl so I thought I'd find out the sex before the baby was born. I would not have been disappointed if it was a boy though. (I KNOW that doesn't make sense but it's true. 🙃 ). I thought I could then just get used to whatever sex child I was having. I was really glad that I did it that way.

To suggest test someone would be disappointed in an actual baby or resent it because it's the wrong sex is daft (for almost everyone except a few weirdos)

OP, if I were you I'd find out the sex then you can stop worrying about it and can then concerntrste on all the million and one other things you can worry about when you are having a baby.

I wanted a girl each time and now have three boys. It doesn't matter one little bit. Actually, if I were to have another now, I would probably prefer a boy. You get used to what you have.

Of course people can and do resent babies if their not the gender they desired. Some poor kids have a life time of it rather than their parents getting over it. Thankfully those parents are a minority.

It’s not daft that can happen as it does.

The OP isn’t clear on how much they are hoping for a gender or whether they just feel that’s what it is and are expecting it.

I’d say work on the disappointment issue.

Tbh you get what you’re given. I have a super girly girl dipite trying to raise her in a fairly neutral way. Rather than focusing on the gender/sex try imagining what type of personality they might have.

Honestly, I don’t get gender/sex disappointment, after loosing 2 babies (a boy and a girl) I’d love for a healthy baby. We can’t have anymore though. Your baby will grow into a little person with their own little qwerks. They may end up changing gender as they grow up.

I really hope you can make peace with your feeling about this

I think that's a girl nub.
My husband had a strong preference and we found out because he wanted time to deal with it if necessary. He wanted to just be happy at the birth and not have that tinged with disappointment that he'd never have a son.

I totally agree with oldbirdy, that was exactly how I felt.

I have 2 boys and when I was expecting my third everyone said that they thought that I wanted a girl. I had a scan around 34 weeks and I saw the face, although I thought it looked like a girl. I convinced myself that it would be another boy and was happy with that but it was a girl I was shocked for all of 30 seconds.

I'm now closer to her than either of my boys

I've never got why MN is so against gender preferences/gender disapoitment.

I think a lot of people (including me) find it a difficult issue because it just seems so ungrateful to have a healthy, living baby - something that not everyone gets - and then to be 'disappointed' by its sex. It just seems like such a non-problem of the very lucky.

I have always said if you have a preference don’t find out before birth. I as told ds 1 was a boy but I as so besotted with him at birth it never occurred to me too check he was a boy for sure as it just didn’t matter. 2nd time I found out we were having another boy and really loved knowing but I had i preference at all. The only reason we found out as ds 1 is autistic and did not want a sister at all so we took him to the private scan and let him hear the same time as us what sex the baby was.

Try to focus on your baby think about there little features, fingers, toes etc not the sex of the baby. It really doesn’t matter at all.

I think girl nub too. I'd find out so you can process it, put the worry behind you and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. People are quite right that fundamentally being healthy is what's important, but it's hard to appreciate that unless you've gone through the horror that's losing a baby.

I think a lot of people (including me) find it a difficult issue because it just seems so ungrateful to have a healthy, living baby - something that not everyone gets - and then to be 'disappointed' by its sex

But that's it isn't it. They aren't disappointed in having a healthy living baby are they. It's only that they have a preference for the sex. If it was about the actual baby then people would be checking the sex and then getting abortions if it was the wrong sex. (And yes I do realize that this does happen in some places).

I also had a preference for 'tall' kids. Half of DHs family are really tall and the other half are really, really short. It was a preference but if my kids had all ended up as being very short I wouldn't have been dissapiunted in them for one second.

Apart from a tiny minority the most important thing fir everyone is to have a happy healthy (or healthy enough) baby to suggest otherwise is unfair.

Your 2nd sentence contradicts your first OP.
You state you may not want to know your baby's gender because you are "terrified of gender disappointment" then invite people to guess!

Definitely find out now so that you can adjust to whichever gender baby is. If your baby isn't of your preferred gender then you can start buying cute little outfits and teddies for him/her to enable you to adjust.

No it is not unfair. If I could have had a healthy baby I wouldn’t have given a damn whether it was boy or girl, tall or short, blonde or dark or anything like that.

I was told my third child was another boy. She's now 26 and expecting a baby of her own. That was a long time ago, though, and scans have improved in quality and detail considerably. The only issue I had was that I told my two sons they were getting a baby brother and they were a bit disconcerted when I came home with a baby sister instead.

But that's it isn't it. They aren't disappointed in having a healthy living baby are they. It's only that they have a preference for the sex.

Of course they aren't disappointed that it's a healthy living baby, but it does just seem like you've taken that totally for granted if you can spare head space to care about the sex. It's like being given a free Ferrari and then moaning it's the wrong colour.