Pedophile moving next door to parents

[confuddledconfudle]

My parents have a very good relationship with their ndn. Have been neighbours 30+ years. However they have just been told that their relative is due to be released shortly from prison were he is serving time for pedophilia. As a child this man made some sexual innuendo comments to me but never anything further (I didn't quite understand the comments until I was older either but knew they were wrong). Just always made me feel uncomfortable.
Ndn have grandkids that visit and my parents have grandkids that visit. AIBU to be really uncomfortable about him living next door and I don't think there is anything I can do about it.

You poor thing, I’m so sorry. I can hear your distress and pain on this thread. I think Pancakes posts will be really useful when you’re over this state of shock and fear.

Just take a moment, of however long you need, to recognise how you feel, and to, sort of care about how you feel. Because of course it matters a lot that you have been thrown into this situation out of your control and that it’s bringing up huge feelings from the past for you. It’s hugely triggering and that’s not something you should leave unacknowledged. Which is why I’m saying, poor you, I really feel for you. It’s hard when this foul man suddenly intrudes into your life again with no warning, and there you are, reminded of how he made you feel as a child, but with an adult perspective now of how dangerous he was, what a threat he was to you as a child... and even worse, now you are terrified that through no fault of your own, this man could end up doing the same to your children. All of your feelings from that time will be being projected into your children at the moment. All that fear.

All your maternal instincts will be jangling, and mixing in with your fears from your childhood and other traumatic events... I can well understand how distressed and out of control you are feeling

I think, maybe, you might be feeling violated by this man. Like he’s violated your family’s safety and innocent enjoyment of that village life... and most of all, that the idea of him returning has violated your myself somehow again, across the decades and in the present.

So take some time to feel what you are feeling, and recognize your feelings, for what they are. And care about your feelings, care about you, as a little girl and as a mother now. It’s not bloody fair.

And then you have to concentrate on resolving those feelings and working out which ones are in the present, and which are being intensified by the past.

And a big part of that is regaining some control and, as Pancake writes, regaining some faith in the general safety rules you have in place around your children.

Some of these may have to change a bit, but you won’t know until you find out more about this mans conditions of release.

You will get through this, and you will regain some peace of mind. It won’t be the same and of course that’s not bloody fair at all, but you will reclaim that space for you and your children at their grand parents house. He doesn’t get to invade that space and he doesn’t get to invade your mind either.

Xxx

When I had to see someone who raped a relative, ANTICIPATING seeing him was the worst.

Actually seeing him was okay in that the thread of seeing him soon lost its power if that makes sense.

OP this is the worst and most powerless you will feel. When you see him it won't be nice, but the anticipation and fear of it happening will go.

"threat"

Just for clarification.

Paedophile - an adult, who is sexually attracted to children. This is a psychiatric disorder. Many are disgusted with themselves for having sexual thoughts about children and go to great lengths to ensure they will not offend.

Child sex abuser - an adult, who has committed an offence against a child. Not necessarily touching. Can be online. These are the dangerous ones as yet to be caught.

Child sex offender - these are the ones you can search under Sarah’s law.

Not all child sex offenders are considered peodophiles and have offen offended in later life against, normally family members.

We are always close to a person, who may attack our children. So we should be wary of everyone.

In your situation, I’d be very very glad he’s not going to be living near you. As he got 20 years for offences against a minor or minors, he must have done some really bad things.

I'm not usually the type to say this but if I were your folks and he was going to be living there permanently then I would be looking at moving.

This isn't just sexual assault or possibly even rape. (Certainly not dismissing those offences, IYSWIM). Serving a 20+ year service is served only by the worst offenders. The longest ever sentences imposed in Scotland was for 32 years (there or thereabouts although there may have been offenders convicted to longer since the case I'm thinking about).

And his offences may pre date the sex offender register as I believe it was brought in September 1997 although the police will be well aware of his release although he might not have the same restrictions imposed.

I would make sure your parents tell their NDNs in no uncertain terms what they think of them letting this filth live with them. The relationship with them would be over for me. And your parents are never going to be able to sell their house with a known paedophile living next door! The best solution to this is them not letting him move back in.

I would also be going to the police and reporting what was said to you by this dirty beggar when you were a child.

Remonstrate with ndn,What is that going to achieve sprinkles?
As unpalatable as it is,there is nothing can be done to prevent him residing there
Police will be aware of the man as he is on the register,and has to notify address to police

You're saying a man convicted of sex crimes against children will be living next to your parents. He won't be living next to you, right? In which case you don't really have any grounds to object.

I also agree with previous posters. Any convicted criminal, whether it's a sex crime or not, is less likely to reoffend if they have the support of their own family. Driving him away from that will be counterproductive.

YWNBU to stop your children visiting your parents house, I think that's about all you can do.

Sprinklestar I get that that would be most people's instinctive emotional reaction.

But think it through, the worst case scenario here is that the only "place" in society for ex con child abusers is amongst their own " type" because they will encourage and enable each other to reoffend.

Using head not heart, it is a good thing that he will be taken in by family and not operating alone or in the fringes of society.

I suppose it's a hard fact that these people have to live somewhere and there is probably no place on earth that children don't at least visit once in a while.
Short of never releasing him I'm not sure what the solution is.

@confuddledconfudle Im so sorry to say my children would not be going to my parents anymore. even with me. he cant have thoughts about them if he doesnt see them. Also I would not trust ANY other human (even my DH) to keep an eye on them 24/7. and wouldnt ever forgive myself if i knew the danger was there and sent them into the lions den. He could watch them for days / weeks / years and it takes one split second of him ringing their house phone and grandma running to answer it, to snatch one.

and the fact he has acted on his impulses before would verify my feeling to me. Also you said he said something off to you when you were younger. he clearly had no fear of you telling your dad/mum so why would he have fear of your DC telling you.

I would also warn the other parents in the street just incase.

Unless the ndn are planning on keeping this piece of shit shackled in their basement I'd definitely be letting them know exactly how disgusted you are at the loss of your children's freedom when they visit their grandparents. How anyone can bear to be near anyone who has abused children is totally baffling to me.

"How anyone can bear to be near anyone who has abused children is totally baffling to me."

someone has to. If there's to be any hope of preventing re-offending.
Difficult as it is, someone has to "bear" it if potential future victims are to be protected.

The rationale is,a domestic family setting is normalising and reinforces appropriate behaviour
The alternative is a hostel or criminal justice setting,all individuals with same offences residing together
That isn’t a normative setting,has exposure to dysfunctional behaviour & beliefs
In the latter setting the risk is dysfunctional behaviour is normalised and may increase risk or complicity

sweetmoon I agree. If they so badly want to help him let the ndn move somewhere isolated with him. It's not right that innocent people have to give up their freedom for scum like him once released.

Eugh, I can't believe some people are down playing this and acting like it's no big deal. 20 fucking years this pervert served, which means chances are he was sentenced to a lot longer, or wasn't released early because he was still seen to be a danger. No fucking way would I be happy with this situation.

You are already aware there's nothing you can do, so I'm not sure why you're repeatedly being told that, but just the thought of him being able to look at my children (if I had any!) would turn my stomach.

I was abused as a kid so am maybe more "sensitive" than others would be, but as far as I'm concerned, sick scum like this should never be free to re-join society like this.

Could your parents come to your house to see the kids from now on?

No one is acting like this is not a big deal.no one is minimising
This is hugely traumatic for op,and it intrudes upon her family life at GP
I appreciate this is a triggering thread,there is no straightforward answer

"sweetmoon I agree. If they so badly want to help him let the ndn move somewhere isolated with him."

like where? They're already rural! The UK doesn't exactly have an abundance of uninhabited tundras to exile all ex cons to

I would be letting everyone know exactly what happened and making sure all the people of the street are aware of him.
I would have no contact whatsoever with the neighbour. And also let my parents know that when the children are in their care they have not to speak to the neighbour at all and they have not to go out their sight.
If I saw him in the street I would be pointing and telling my children "thats the bad evil man you have not to talk to"

Really?you'll expend a lot of emotional energy,scare the kids,work yourself up
and police will have a word for harassment if you habitually address him like that

If I saw him in the street I would be pointing and telling my children "thats the bad evil man you have not to talk toI

So you would teach your kids to only be safe around identified "bad men"? Cause thats the message you would be giving them: To only be alert around the local "bogeyman"

Not at all. My children are taught about tricky people all the time etc.
But I would be pointing and shaming him because he is a known bad person. Also the fact that shaming him loudly he will avoid my children as he would be my first port of call if my children came to harm.
People are too worried about of ending people nowadays so instead stay quiet and take risks.

What people take risks with children for fear of causing offence?what examples leap to mind
Or is this simply hyperbole
And if you go around shouting vigilante style,and berating the man the police may visit you

Why the fuck would you point and try and publicly shame a individual who has committed crimes so serious that he has spent 20 years in prison? Especially in front of your children. That's one way to bring trouble to your door, in more ways than one.

Madness.

Do the NDN think that they will continue to see their grandchildren? I cannot imagine a parent allowing their children to spend time there.

20 years is one heck of a sentence, are ndn aware of the actual offences as your description of them do not align with the prison tariff?

I think your parents need to have a chat with them, voice their concerns and find out exactly what the score is and what monitoring will be in place. They don't have to tell them but it sounds as though they are being quite open.