DH wants a phone ban after 7pm each night

[CheeseFiend36]

We have been married for 6 years. Generally a good marriage but we can be quite different at times :- he can be constantly chattering or on the wind up like an 18year old Man-Boy, while I’m comfortable in my own company and can literally sit there on the sofa and not say a word to him for an hour, not for any bad reason other than I don’t always feel the need to talk about inane shit.

Anyway, apparently this grates DH as he doesn’t understand why I would not to converse with him after DS has gone to bed, he’s got it into his head that I’m too distracted by social media on my phone (he doesn’t have any SM while I do) and that I’m on my phone far too much it’s hindering my ability to create a conversation.

He keeps suggesting a phone ban after 7pm for both of us, to prove a point because apparently he doesn’t use his phone after these hours and can do it easily (which is complete bullshit) but he “knows I will struggle”.

why should I - I’m the one that usually spends the whole day busy with DS and barely get time to go on my phone during the day meaning when DS is in bed, that’s usually my time to “catch up”, and yes that includes being on my phone. He does about 5% of the day’s childcare and has plenty of occasions to be on his phone in peace during the day, such as the half-hourly toilet excursions he regularly makes .

Aibu to tell him to stuff his idea and to get a grip?

No wonder so many marriages fail when you see so many responses to a marital issue that run along the lines of “tell him to fuck off”.

He has raised an issue in your marriage that is worrying him. Let’s face it, social media is designed to suck you in and make you waste as much time on it as possible - it isn’t great for relationships.

Instead of demonstrating that you’re not always on social media and ignoring your marriage by coming into mumsnet to moan to a bunch of Internet randoms, perhaps talk about the concerns he has raised and look for compromise (suggest a later time, try it just for some nights a week, do it for a trial period and see if you both feel it is working...).

Communication and compromise, it’s not that fucking difficult but for some people it seems utterly incomprehensible!

If it is that difficult for you maybe long term relationships aren’t really your thing.

If he enjoys talking and family so much, why doesn’t he look after ds more? Some constant toddler chitchat and never ending attention might do him good.

So basically you work all day take over childcare at night until DCs bedtime then aren't supposed to look at your phone. It's a bit much. When are you supposed to look at your phone, during commute only? I get that your partner wants to talk to you after you've been out all day. But this bring the case why can't he help with childcare during evening too? It sounds as if your day is very long, with no downtime for you at all.

It sounds like he might be an extrovert (energised by connection with people) while you might be an introvert (energised by alone time and quiet introspection).

So you are exhausted after a day at work (dealing with people) and then looking after your DS until bedtime and need to recharge by being alone.

Your DH is exhausted (in a way) by being alone at home during the day (probably missing his colleagues and the challenge of work) and then you are distracted by DS and HE needs to recharge by connecting with you.

You see his behaviour as interfering with your needs (for alone time) being met.

He sees your behaviour as rejecting him as he tries to connect with you.

Does this sound plausible?

I agree with PP about having a chat with him, show him that you do want to connect with him (sans phone) but you do need some alone time to recharge first. Maybe he could do bedtime for DS while you have some quiet time, then phones-free couple time from 8.30pm or 9pm?

Good luck!

Why the hell should you? Is he your parent?!

There's obviously a lot going on here, but I'm experiencing the phone thing from the other side, and I see his point. The problem with "talking when he has something to talk about" is that you feel like you are always working for your partner's attention. It makes interaction feel like hard work - like you have to make it worth their time.

Any blanket rules like "no phones after X" are ridiculous imo. Why not the occasional no phone night or something.

My MIL put rules like this on FIL. She got rid of the TV because he watched it rather than talking to her. She "banned" him from going to the gym because she didn't want to go and was bored at home. She stopped him going out on any weekday because she hadn't seen him all day. Now all they do is sit in silence. Their marriage will not see the year out, I'd bet my mortgage on it.

Agree to it, then go off for two half hour shits.

What does he do during the day? If he is missing contact with you I guess you need to talk about how your relationship is going,but if he is an extrovert type and needs interaction with other people which he currently is getting ( or not getting) from you then maybe he needs to do more in the day.
No way would I go for a phone ban after 7 - I haven't even had a chance to look at my phone by then.If you are going to ban phones what else would you ban? As an introvert I can zone out over books,TV, or tbh if I am really socialised out after a busy day just in my own thoughts,so banning phones wouldn't necessarily produce more interaction in our house.

I'd love to do that!

I think your partner is being reasonable, particularly as he's on his own all day. We have no phones anywhere but the kitchen (where the entry is).

We also don't have a land line, if someone calls we can hear them but we are not constantly fiddling with them rather than relating to each other.

On Mumsnet...man ignoring woman and kids to piss about on his xbox = a man-child who's opting out of family life - LTB.

A woman ignoring man and kids to piss about on her phone = totally reasonable. How dare he be so controlling as to suggest she puts her phone away??

In the real world, compromises have to be made on both sides. Couldn't you have half an hour or so to check your facebook and then focus on your family?

Agree to it, then go off for two half hour shits

Ahh that sole bastion of utter, perfect privacy if even for a short while😁

He sounds like a sanctimonious arse TBH. I hate people who are all sneery about social media, poison, FFS.

Fine to decide it is destructive for yourself and choose not to use it. I can see that aspect. However, not everyone feels that way. It does help me switch off and relax, it's also not the only thing I ever do to relax!

I agree you need to offer a trade. So say yes, I will avoid my phone at night, but you need to take DS during the day.

It's important to him that you spend time together - he doesn't need to dictate the means ie never go on your phone. It's important to you that you have time to decompress from the day. Perhaps you are more introverted than he is, and you have different decompression needs. But you must be able to find a solution together where he gets to spend time with you, and you get alone time to decompress. It might mean moving things around.

sorry no if hes doing sweet fa all day then u need time to do what u want-
why does he not share childcare with u at weekends

Wow that changes things..

He definitely needs to sort out the kids after nursery if you're at work all day

After reading your updates and now he has lost his job no wonder he is wittering away when you come home, he is probably used to socialising and chatting to friends at work and that whole life line has now gone. He is probably very lonely during the day and in need of some human contact.

He must feel absolutely crap, everyone does when they are made redundant regardless of the circumstances.

Seriously I feel for him. He is job searching on his own all day and you after a long day at work just need quiet space. His loss of job is probably affecting your routine and everything is out of kilter.

He needs to be doing 50% of everything inc childcare whilst he at home, dividing up the housework and jobs evenly (and him doing more because he is at home) leaving you with some time to catch up on your phone/quiet time.
But then you need to make time for him to talk, to converse and to share ideas with no phones in the picture.

This is a temporary problem hopefully he will get a job and this problems goes awat, but he does need your support, you could do a lot more to make him feel valued (and rebuild his confidence with him) It is horrible losing your job.

away

Sounds like a good idea tbh. I try to put my phone away in the evening and make a effort with my husband xxx

He might have a point. I know that I'm on my phone too much and it pisses DP off and I can understand why.

When I was working (on a year mat leave at the mo), I imposed my own phone ban after 8pm cos the phone was interfering with my sleep. It was great. Much better sleep and even if we were only vegging out in front of the telly, we felt more connected somehow.

Could you compromise on something like 8pm, a couple of nights a week, just to see how it goes?

7is too early,esp if been at work all day and not on phone

you want to spend time catching up on fb/mn/emails texts etc

maybe 9

def no point taking ds out of nursery for a few months while dh gets a job as

1. means ds is out of his routine
2. may lose his space

th,would be nice if he could collect ds early 2/3 nights out of 5

"I’m his wife, not his source of entertainment."

This is so alien to me, my DH is my best friend and I married him because I like spending time with him. I don't understand why you would marry him (or stay married) if you don't like doing so.

I completely and utterly understand the wanting time to yourself, especially after a busy day and then evening, but I don't understand the resistance to being with someone you supposedly love (?) for any amount of time. i.e. the compromise we are suggesting. "DH I need time for myself, I'm worn out and need a break. Why don't you do dinner, give DS a bath and a story and do dishes and then I'll be ready to do XYZ for a while with you once I've put him to bed."

It doesn't have to be talking though, last night DH and I played a game together and watched a movie.

He should have tea ready

He should be helping with childcare after tea time

He could give you some time and put the baby to bed

I'd be resentful if everybody wanted everything from me and nothing in return

Has this problem arisen just since he has been at home job hunting or is it longer standing problem?

The solutions seem different in either case. If it's part of the loneliness of being at home, then cutting him some short term slack may be the answer. Although he should be able to sort it out himself, he isn't, so as his wife you could support him in encouraging him to get out and about doing more, getting the conversation from other adults as well as you. The good thing is that he has raised the problem, or at least part of it. It is hard being without work if you are used to having a social centre at work, as well as all of the activity it involves. Watch out for depression. It's good that he's keen to do more in the evenings - can you direct him towards your ds - even though ds is obsessed with you. Your dh should be doing the evening meal, and bathtime, and playing with his ds.

If this is a longstanding issue then rather than a complete ban, perhaps try two or three nights a week with limited phone - how about 7-10 off the phone whilst you eat, talk, watch TV/go for a walk/whatever together?

Best of luck