DH wants a phone ban after 7pm each night

[CheeseFiend36]

We have been married for 6 years. Generally a good marriage but we can be quite different at times :- he can be constantly chattering or on the wind up like an 18year old Man-Boy, while I’m comfortable in my own company and can literally sit there on the sofa and not say a word to him for an hour, not for any bad reason other than I don’t always feel the need to talk about inane shit.

Anyway, apparently this grates DH as he doesn’t understand why I would not to converse with him after DS has gone to bed, he’s got it into his head that I’m too distracted by social media on my phone (he doesn’t have any SM while I do) and that I’m on my phone far too much it’s hindering my ability to create a conversation.

He keeps suggesting a phone ban after 7pm for both of us, to prove a point because apparently he doesn’t use his phone after these hours and can do it easily (which is complete bullshit) but he “knows I will struggle”.

why should I - I’m the one that usually spends the whole day busy with DS and barely get time to go on my phone during the day meaning when DS is in bed, that’s usually my time to “catch up”, and yes that includes being on my phone. He does about 5% of the day’s childcare and has plenty of occasions to be on his phone in peace during the day, such as the half-hourly toilet excursions he regularly makes .

Aibu to tell him to stuff his idea and to get a grip?

Maybe he gets lonely during the days and is looking forward to having someone to talk to in the evenings? I agree that he is going about it the wrong way by trying to police your phone usage, but maybe what he is trying to say is that he would like to spend more time with you, and that he misses the conversations? I don't think that is a bad thing to want. How about you agree on a compromise - phone off after 7pm a few days a week, or phones off 8/9pm?

So he has the day to himself & then expects you to be looking after your child as soon as you walk in??

Idk. Do you talk much over the evening meal?

Often in the evenings I'm watching something & OH is reading/watching on the laptop.

Neither of us have a phone with us though that we are constantly checking.

Sometimes there's not much to say other than "how was your day?" "saw so & so, x,y happened, did you hear about z on the news"

But if either of us want to talk, the other stops what they are doing to do so.

Husband

I don't think it's really the phone suggestion you need to worry about. You don't sound particularly compatible, if you think he chats inanely and is unhelpful and he thinks you chat online with all and sundry but ignore him.

Firstly, I would reduce DS’s days at nursery to three days (as long as it wouldn’t be a problem to go back up to full time when he gets a job). It’s crazy to be paying for full time when you don’t need to!

I also think it’s rubbish that you’re doing 95% of the childcare at weekends as well as working full time! He sounds like a right lazy arse.

However, I do have some sympathy with him about the specific issue you’ve posted about. It’s a bit depressing if you’ve been at home alone all day and when your partner gets back she’s more interested in going on her phone than talking to you.

IF he sorts out the first two issues in my post then I’d agree to his suggestion.

I don’t ignore him and I do talk to him if there’s anything he wants to talk about. For example as he is applying for jobs, he’ll ask for my input on applications and covering letters, and I’ve been known to spend many evenings helping him with this or training for a job interview. We also talk over dinner.
I know it’s because he’s bored and frustrated but like a pp said, I’m his wife, not his source of entertainment. I’ve told him before that if he’s bored then to take up a hobby, or plug in the PlayStation he bought a year ago and hasn’t used it. If I was bored I wouldn’t expect someone else to change what they were doing to appease me.

He’s from a big family and his household was noisy with things going on all the time, I know he pines for a “full house” sometimes and would gladly move his parents and siblings in if given the choice!

To a pp, we haven’t reduced DS’s days at nursery as there is a big waiting list and they couldn’t guarantee giving the days back once DH gets a job

If I was bored I wouldn’t expect someone else to change what they were doing to appease me - he just wants to have a nice evening with his wife! He’s just hoping that’s what you want too!

But he does need to address his own behaviour and be more hands on with DS during the day.

I don’t think it’s a terrible idea and think we could do with doing similar. We are both guilty of spending far too much time on our phones. It can border on obsessive really when you think about how often you use it. When you’re on your phone you aren’t really present and it does mean the relationship suffers especially if your both at work all day then busy sitting next to each other but doing different things in the evenings.
My OH is constantly on his phone or Xbox or other hobbies and it means I give up trying to talk to him and just sit on my own phone instead.
Think I’ll suggest this tbh maybe from 8/8.30pm onwards phones go in the kitchen.

Compromise is key here, he is asking to spend more time with you....I don't see it as controlling at all, he feels you are distracted and it is impacting on your marriage.

You say you need downtime.

Agree to meet in the middle phones off at 8pm and then you have the rest of the evening to be together.

I would always try and listen to my dh when he raises things he would like to improve, and vica versa. It makes for a good relationship

Aibu to tell him to stuff his idea and to get a grip?

YANBU,

I work, get home at 5.30. He’ll pick up DS from nursery at the same time and then i’ll more or less take over until he’s asleep, not helped by the fact DS is going through a phase of being obsessed with me at the moment
You work full time, DH is at home sitting on his arse all day every day while DS is at nursery, then you come home and do the mommy shift, and then you can't sit there in silence indulging in the luxury of finishing a thought in your own head, spacing out on FB or MN or Pinterest or whatever? And you do 95% of the childcare at weekends too?

He is being a dick. If he is lonely, he can pick up DS at 2 and get his ears bombarded for a few hours with no chance to even pick his nose, and see how it feels. It might greatly increase his motivation as he searches for a job.

Just tell him no. You enjoy using your phone and do not wish to partake of his ban. Tell him to crack on with it on his own.

If you need him to be more involved with ds, then tell him. Allocate time together.

Don't let resentments ruin your marriage, these things are easy to iron out in the scheme of things.

SM is toxic to all human relationships -- we could all do with taking a step back

Cheesefiends - yeah, you say you don't ignore him and he pobably says he's more helpful around the house and with your ds than you do, too. It's about each other's perception, not some mythical black and white reality. Clearly his perception is that you love your phone more than him and your perception is that he doesn't give you enough headspace. Rather than whingeing about him online, which he doesn't like, why not talk to each other about your growing frustration and resentment?

Ask him if he wants to give you a curfew & pocket money too?!

My eldest is allowed her phone until 9pm, then she has to bring her phone downstairs and go to bed. I am often on my phone until late as I watch a lot of Netflix series etc, what would annoy me about this is my DH would appear to be treating me like a child, instead of his equally aged partner, now that would really hack me off.

He sounds lonely and may be feeling a bit depressed from not having a job? He may be worried about not pulling his weight in the house and not bringing in an income too. I can see where he is coming from too. I suppose a little TLC is needed I know it is a pita but when he gets a job I am sure Normal service will be resumed OP , Good Luck with DH job hunting!

I was in this situation OP but the reverse of it. I was a SAHM and he was at work all day. He'd come home and literally have his face on his phone from the minute he walked through the door until he put it down in the bedside table and went to sleep. I tried what your DH is asking you to do and got a very negative reaction. Even when he'd say he'd watch a film with me he couldn't put his phone down but would snap at me and say he was watching it.

We are now divorcing, not just because of this but it was a factor in amongst a whole load of other issues. I suggest you try to come to some sort of compromise like others have suggested.

You are not seeing this from his perspective, I know he isn't seeing it from yours either, however you do need to compromise.
Losing your job often leaves you with a massive identity crisis. He will be feeling lonely in the day and absolutely craving some adult interaction. As you say, this is for a period of only a few months hopefully. Why doesn't he pick up DS from nursery early, wear him out a bit running him round the park or swimming or something, he can prep dinner during the day, so when you get back you just warm it up or put it on, DS is already tired and just needs some tea and then to bed. I wouldn't be on my phone until DS is in bed so you at least talk a bit as soon as you get in. Then you take say from 7-8.30 to do your unwind, and from 8,30 you watch something together or play Scrabble or whatever floats your collective boat. He does need your support though to get him back into work and part of this is adult interaction.

Why is he picking your DS up at 5.30pm? I can understand wanting to keep him in nursery for the place, but surely he could pick him up at 4pm and spend a couple of extra hours with him?

I agree it's really sad to leave DS in nursery til 5.30pm when he could come home early in the afternoons and have a lovely few hours with his dad. Surely that would be the silver lining of the redundancy?

If you’re working and he’s doing Sweet FA all day, why are you ‘taking iver’ when you get home?

DS wants you because you meet his needs, tell DH to step up. He can cook dinner, bath DS & get him ready for bed etc then you can have DS for a cuddle & story. Then as you’ve had a bit of downtime you might feel more relaxed and chatty.

But also, yes, not all of us are chatty/noisy and if it wasn’t SM it would be a Book or the TV etc. Some people never stop talking and expect everyone be else to be the same or you’re ‘ignoring’ them, it’s exhausting.

Your counter proposal should be a quiet hour where you both do what you like with no interruptions or talking.

We don't use our phones in the evening. Probably from around 8pm they are next to us if we get a text, phone call etc but we don't use social media (unless one has nipped to the loo or to get Something! They are put down straight away though) i like it. We're both on our phones a lot in the eve so it works for us That we stop and spend time together

It’s healthy not to use phones two hours before bed and other screens

So why not make a compromise of 8pm phones go in the hallway

No tv either though 🙂

He's highlighted something in your relationship that is making him unhappy and is making a suggestion to improve it. You have plenty of options (agreeing, compromising, trialling it etc.), it's not like he's given you an ultimatum. He sounds like a good partner, I really can not see any issue here

I agree, he is upset by the lack of conversation and he is trying to find a solution to it.

Op why not listen to your partner and have a conversation about it, or is it that he’s hit a nerve?

TBH a pack of cards or a game of scrabble always helps us have a good conversation