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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants a phone ban after 7pm each night

101 replies

CheeseFiend36 · 03/02/2018 23:41

We have been married for 6 years. Generally a good marriage but we can be quite different at times :- he can be constantly chattering or on the wind up like an 18year old Man-Boy, while I’m comfortable in my own company and can literally sit there on the sofa and not say a word to him for an hour, not for any bad reason other than I don’t always feel the need to talk about inane shit.

Anyway, apparently this grates DH as he doesn’t understand why I would not to converse with him after DS has gone to bed, he’s got it into his head that I’m too distracted by social media on my phone (he doesn’t have any SM while I do) and that I’m on my phone far too much it’s hindering my ability to create a conversationBiscuit.

He keeps suggesting a phone ban after 7pm for both of us, to prove a point because apparently he doesn’t use his phone after these hours and can do it easily (which is complete bullshit) but he “knows I will struggle”.

why should I - I’m the one that usually spends the whole day busy with DS and barely get time to go on my phone during the day meaning when DS is in bed, that’s usually my time to “catch up”, and yes that includes being on my phone. He does about 5% of the day’s childcare and has plenty of occasions to be on his phone in peace during the day, such as the half-hourly toilet excursions he regularly makes Hmm.

Aibu to tell him to stuff his idea and to get a grip?

OP posts:
ferntwist · 04/02/2018 00:28

He sounds awful OP. Your breakfast analogy is a really good one.

5foot5 · 04/02/2018 00:31

I think what’s annoyed me about the way he’s approached it is that he hasn’t given any consideration to the fact that the evening is my downtime. If he’d offered to do more with DS during the day so that I can some time to myself in the afternoon instead then I’d gladly compromise.

But have you actually told him this? TBH I feel a bit sorry for your DH who sounds like he is trying to keep some proper interaction between you and feels ignored. Maybe if you point out to him how little chance you get during he day and explain you would like a reasonable time, like an hour, to catch up then you could reach a compromise

buttfacedmiscreant · 04/02/2018 00:31

how about if he do bedtime/childcare/chores from 6-7pm and you have an hour to yourself to do whatever you want without interruption and in return you put personal electronics away from 7-9? Would that be a compromise that would work for both of you?..or something similar

teaandtoast · 04/02/2018 00:33

Text him no.

teaandtoast · 04/02/2018 00:34

If it were a reasonable compromise, the op would have to have more than a paltry hour!
How long does dh spend on his phone every day?

Lashalicious · 04/02/2018 00:36

I agree with 5foot5 and any solution/compromise for dh should include him doing the nighttime routine with dc like buttfaced says so that he gets an inkling of what you do 24/7. But I think maybe his underlying motive is a good one, to get time to connect with you, his wife. But I get you totally. I do remember when my ds was a baby, my dh told me he was very jealous of the time I spent with ds as if time with dh had just disappeared. I see now that it seemed that way to him and probably would have compromised a bit if I could do it over. HOWEVER, I also would have had dh help a lot more. I simply thought I had to do everything back then.

Lashalicious · 04/02/2018 00:38

text him no Lol teaandtoast

BrightBurn · 04/02/2018 00:39

Doesn't your DH work all day? I think what he's asking is pretty fair if not a bit early. Let's face it, if you were on here asking if you were BU to ask your DH to come off his Xbox at a certain time, everyone would be in your corner.

SingingSeuss · 04/02/2018 00:45

Tell him you need an hour's downtime after D's is in bed, and after that you can stop your phone. This is assuming that he will cook. I don't get to sit down until about 8, and them want ' me' time, so it's d be at least 8 here before I would agree to turn it off!

MistressDeeCee · 04/02/2018 00:46

If he’d offered to do more with DS during the day so that I can some time to myself in the afternoon instead then I’d gladly compromise. It’s like me grazing on food all day while he’s only had breakfast, and then me deciding that we should both be banned from eating after 7pm

^ Tell him exactly this. If he doesn't agree point out to him it's called sharing and compromising. If he won't compromise then he's not to expect you to do so.

PurpleRobe · 04/02/2018 01:04

I'd imagine it's pretty boring sat in silence .

Catch up on your phone for an hour then put it down at 8? 7 seems early

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2018 01:07

Clearly, he can not dictate how you spend your time, but it is possible he has a point. How about a compromise of no phone after a specified time perhaps 2 times a week? Or whatever.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2018 01:07

If he’d offered to do more with DS during the day...... and He does about 5% of the day’s childcare and has plenty of occasions to be on his phone in peace during the day, such as the half-hourly toilet excursions he regularly makes hmm

Does he work? Because it sounds as if he's just sitting around the house all day from your above statements. And if that's true and you allow it, then the more fool you. And as far as a 'phone ban', he can piss right off with that.

irishe · 04/02/2018 01:16

I find this interesting. My first reaction, would be "fuck off, you are not my dad!"

But that's just because I don't like being told what to do.

Also my partner has always had an Xbox/phone/tablet obsession, depending what decade we are talking about. I have found it profoundly irritating over the years and have often asked him to put the bloody thing down and talk to me.

Then I got an iPad, my husband was delighted that I had seen the light, and sanctimoniously commented about how I used to criticise his online usage and now look at mine!

Well, sadly I now find the iPad more interesting than my husband, I have ceased to make any effort to have conversations with him at all apart from the most cursory chat. I think he is secretly delighted that he can now spend as much time as he likes online with no criticism from me.

However I have now realised how totally boring he is and how little I need him. Prior to this I was making all the effort, I was a natural conversationalist and think that for years I did not realise how little he gave to the relationship.

Obviously every relationship is different but beware of getting what you are asking here. You may may wake up, after the hard child rearing years as I have done and find that your husband does not find you interesting any more and does not want to talk to you. And that is a problem.

My tone is facetious but really it is very sad. Twenty years of a relationship and I think technology played a role in its upcoming demise. It is too easy to hide behind a tablet.

Coyoacan · 04/02/2018 01:22

From the sounds of it, you don't want to be with him in the evenings, OP. But he wants to be with you.

Maybe you both should separate to let him have a chance of finding someone who does not think his conversation is inane chatter.

Original poster
CheeseFiend36 · 04/02/2018 07:07

Well actually I work full time. He was made redundant just before Xmas and is looking for work. So he is literally home all day, but not with DS as we’ve continued to keep DS at nursery rather than make DH look after him while he’s at home so as not to disrupt his routine for the sake of a few months.

This happened yesterday so me doing the childcare during the day vs him not doing it largely applies to weekends.
However in the week, it’s the same principle, I work, get home at 5.30. He’ll pick up DS from nursery at the same time and then i’ll more or less take over until he’s asleep, not helped by the fact DS is going through a phase of being obsessed with me at the moment.

So in the week I have no way of knowing how much he’s on his phone, but I know it’s significantly more than I am able to at work!

I agree with PP that it’s coming from a good place and that he wants to talk to me, but my days are so unequal to his in terms of “downtime”.
On top of that, I’m not sure it would make much of a difference. I’m just not a great conversationalist at times and prefer to just sit there in peace with my own thoughts. I’ve always been like that and he knows that but feel like he is using the phone thing as something he can latch on to to blame for what I feel is essentially a personality trait.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 04/02/2018 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booie09 · 04/02/2018 07:25

I must admit I spend way to much time on my phone! Why don't you suggest he does the night time routine and while he is doing that you catch up on your phone! Then you can catch up when he's done.

Booie09 · 04/02/2018 07:31

coyoacan bit ott don't you think! OP sounds like me.....and I don't want to leave my husband, maybe she us just knackerd from work and wants to just chill! She may spend all day talking.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 04/02/2018 07:46

Maybe your DH is feeling insecure about being made redundant and losing his financial contribution to the family and, in a cack-handed way, is just asking for some validation and reassurance.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 04/02/2018 07:55

Just say no, for goodness sakes, you are not a child. You are also not an entertainment device that needs to entertain him, particularly if he has all day to himself. Is he banning books too? Knitting? Thinking? Anything that doesn't centre him.

MadeForThis · 04/02/2018 07:57

He is at home alone. Probably bored and frustrated. He wants to speak to you when you relax in the evening. It's ridiculous for anyone to try and paint this as controlling.

You need to compromise. Agree a 8/9pm phone ban.

But also agree a fairer division of labour. Especially at weekends. Childcare should be 50/50

You need to talk about this as you both seem unhappy with the current arrangements.

Believeitornot · 04/02/2018 08:00

Why on earth don’t you reduce ds’s days at nursery?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2018 08:11

No one tells me when I can or can't have my own mobile phone. Obviously you both need to make time for each other but banning phones is infantile and missing the point. I presume you aren't ignoring him 24/7 but rather enjoying some peace and quiet in that moment? There is a lot to be said for enjoying each other's company without needing to fill it with talking.

CaMePlaitPas · 04/02/2018 08:11

DH and I are always having this argument. In fact we are currently not speaking because of it, so I'm making a point of going to bed every night with DD (around 8pm) and leaving my computer and phone in the living room. When she goes to bed I need some down time as I'm "on" all day with her whilst DH is at work. DH however sees the evenings as an opportunity to get intimate and all I want to do (as the Mum of a eight month old and 5 months pregnant at the same time) is chill out. I think he's done enough to be honest Hmm I don't really have any advice, just know you're not alone on this one.