To want more help with housework?

[jazzyjezzi]

My DP does hardly anything around the house. He makes our daughters porridge in the morning - I think that is literally it. Oh and he cuts the grass in the summer.

He works some long days, some short days. For example today he had one appointment so had most of the day free.

My work is similar - however I am going back to work full time next week.

I am sick of doing everything. He says he has the pressure of having to earn money.

I do all the childcare. All the house work. All the cooking. I contribute to bills as much as I can with the lesser money I earn compared to him. I pay for food shopping mostly for example.

He is the type who even if he gets out of bed after me, he won't make it. He won't take the rubbish to he bin as he is walking out the door. He puts stuff in the sink not the dishwasher. Shoes go by the shoe cupboard not in it. If he is home he won't offer to bath DD he will play on PlayStation instead. He doesn't know how the washing machine or oven even works. I have asked him 5 times if he could put salt in the dishwasher - still not done.

I got to the end of my tether today and told him it needs to change. He just got defensive. I am not asking for much, just open your bloody eyes and help a bit more.

Sometimes I feel like a single parent (not with regards to money)

Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry it's a long moan

I was talking to another mother at school today and bemoaning exactly this issue.

She said to me, 'when I had this problem I eventually just stopped doing things for him. I did what I had to for my child and that was it'.

I really respected the way she said it so calmly and rationally. And she is right, if they don't contribute then they don't get your?support. No dinners. No washing. Minimum housework. All the time you save can be spent with your children or doing things for yourself. You just have to have the balls to do it.

Why are you with him? He sounds utterly useless!

"He says he has the pressure of having to earn money."

Big clap for that man. Except he doesn't actually, does he, as you have to go out to work as well.

You say you contribute all you can to bills - please don't say you have separate bank accounts as well?

Cock lodging of the highest order and you've enabled it 100%. Stop doing things for him. Do what you need to do for you and 50% of the childrens jobs.

Tell him he needs to sort his shit out, you're not his parent or a carer and he needs to take on half the load.

Omg I'm a sahm and my DH cooks at least twice a week, tidies up the cooking stuff the other 5 days, takes turns to do dishwasher, irons his own shit, does loads of cleaning and hoovering and doesn't expect a thank you for it.
He's my partner and whilst occasionally not thinking or needing prompts to do things is generally very useful.

Why do some men people expect not to have to take a turn?

Google 'my wife left me because I left out a mug' and show him it.
He sounds like a tosser. I hope he's otherwise a good partner?

I bloody love you lot. You are so to the point and so right.

I am not defending him at all - but I was asked what I see in him. He is a decent guy, we have lots of fun and laughs, he is affectionate and generous at times, birthdays and Christmas are always really special etc.

However he is lazy and selfish and you cannot talk to him about any issues.

I told him I need more help and he said that I should have communicated better that I 'couldn't cope'

He also said 'as we are talking, now you are working full time again I think we should put some bills in your name'

Anything I try to talk to him about always ends up reversed onto something I have done or need to do. Honestly.....

he is affectionate and generous at times, birthdays and Christmas are always really special etc.

Do you have access to family money?

It's not fair if he has more disposable income than you, even if he does spend a bit on you twice a year.

I couldn't bear a partner that lazy.

Trinity - you are right - I have enabled this

What the he'll does he mean, "bills in your name?"

It gets worse.

You need a joint account, to which you need to pay according to your income. All bills and shopping should come out of the joint account.

Both of you should get the same disposable income.

In the meantime stop doing anything for the lazy fucker.

Basically so I pay them as they would be in my name.

We don't have joint accounts. He is self employed so sometimes earns loads, other times he doesn't. He will help if I really need money but I don't have access to it.

This is one of the reasons I am going back to work full time - so I have a regular income.

Oh my god.

Is this actually your husband?

I love him and in many ways he is a good partner - but if he doesn't start helping me I will be starting to make plans. I might just be saying that now because I am feeling peed off though.

To make it worse we are going away this weekend and we rarely get to do that due to young DD - I was so looking forward to it and now I don't want to go because I am annoyed at him.

When you have the regular income, you may fall in the trap of having to pay for bills and other stuff because he can claim he hasn't been paid.

I'm afraid he's going to screw you over, OP.

Fiancé not husband

I wouldn't marry him the way he is. Do you own or rent your house?

He says he has the pressure of having to earn money, but he doesn't give you access to it? On top of that he's useless round the house. He sounds monumentally selfish!

Babycc - I'm not daft I won't let that happen. I have already told him my income won't be huge etc.

We rent at the moment.

This was exactly my scenario up until a year ago, had zero time for myself, was frazzled all the time. Also the resentment builds and eats away at your self respect. Good riddance! Hope you find a solution.

Stop phrasing this as if you're asking him to help you. You're not. You're asking him to pull his fucking weight, that's all.

If he doesn't contribute, he doesn't get to enjoy the things you take care of, like dinner in the evenings, clean clothes, clean bed to sleep in.

He needs to sort himself out.

He said bills need to go into your name. Ok so he is to pay towards shipping and child expenses?

If you add up exactly what he pays for using 6 months bank statements vs what you pay for I wonder how different it is?

My direct debits including mortgage come to the same as my food/kids hobbies/ clothing/ petrol etc. The direct debits are preferable as you know exactly what you will be paying

What % of the house income do you bring in?

His answer is punishment for you daring to ask him to contribute to your joint life together.

Fwiw I work dh is a sahd. I love my dh and he is not a second class citizen here to pick up after me. I would never watch him run himself ragged whilst I sit on my arse playing PlayStation. This man is the person you are choosing to share your one and only life with and he thinks his behaviour is acceptable - not coping - very calculated words to put you back in your box.

Listen and watch he is telling you exactly who he is.

Oh and my job is fucking stressful but it's easier than looking after children! I get cups of tea, adult conversation and I can hear myself think.

We didn't live together a few years ago (long story) but he ended up living with his mum. He lost loads of weight because he didn't cook and lived in squalor with his mum.

Are you planning to marry him OP? Will you have joint finances then?

Regardless, you are the mother of his child doing all the childcare and housework, so the very least - and I mean the absolute bare minimum - he should be doing is supporting you financially. How can he let you go without? It's a disgrace. He's not "earning all the money", he's earning it for himself. Shocking!!!