To want more help with housework?

[jazzyjezzi]

My DP does hardly anything around the house. He makes our daughters porridge in the morning - I think that is literally it. Oh and he cuts the grass in the summer.

He works some long days, some short days. For example today he had one appointment so had most of the day free.

My work is similar - however I am going back to work full time next week.

I am sick of doing everything. He says he has the pressure of having to earn money.

I do all the childcare. All the house work. All the cooking. I contribute to bills as much as I can with the lesser money I earn compared to him. I pay for food shopping mostly for example.

He is the type who even if he gets out of bed after me, he won't make it. He won't take the rubbish to he bin as he is walking out the door. He puts stuff in the sink not the dishwasher. Shoes go by the shoe cupboard not in it. If he is home he won't offer to bath DD he will play on PlayStation instead. He doesn't know how the washing machine or oven even works. I have asked him 5 times if he could put salt in the dishwasher - still not done.

I got to the end of my tether today and told him it needs to change. He just got defensive. I am not asking for much, just open your bloody eyes and help a bit more.

Sometimes I feel like a single parent (not with regards to money)

Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry it's a long moan

I wouldn't marry him. I can only imagine things will get worse once you're married.

When I was on maternity leave, I tried to do housework when I had down time, but DP always came home asking what needed to be done. He would pick up our food shop on the way home, or takeaway. He is still the only one who remembers to change the bed and take out the bins /sort the recycling. Now that we're both working full time, we split the chores.

You're meant to be a team, and contributing to the household is not just about the money.

I've got an even better idea - we'll divide up all the bills according to income. Of course I'll need your last twelve months' bank statements to get it sorted. And we can divide up housework now I'm working again too'. Watch his face.

He does help me with money, it's just not a regular thing, but he will give me money if I need it.

He does offer takeaways too and he is always appreciative of my cooking - just not the housework so much.

I am going to have another talk with him and see how it goes.

Agree with pp you ask him to help and he says you need to pay more. He doesn't sound lovely or generous.

Don't look back on this in 10 years time and wonder why the fuck you continued with a man-child.

We have been together 9 years so it's been a while !

Greenseededgrape don't worry that won't happen. I love him and he is a good guy apart from that stuff so I want to give him a chance, but if in a few months nothing has changed I will be making plans.

The money stuff doesn't bother me as much really as he does help when he can. It's the laziness I can't stand.

He's totally taking you for granted and can't see it.

Ask him... what you would if I werent there to do it all?
You can live in squalor at your mums but you cant have your child living like that so what would you do?

If he mentions that hes out earning the money,
ask him... so what would you do about looking after DD if i wasnt here?

Who would pay our food shopping if i wasnt here?

Hes taking the piss and he needs to understand this. If he doesnt shape up, I would pack your bags and go. Even if you have no intention of splitting with him- it'll put the shits up him

The money thing will start to bother you.

Nip it in the bud now, trust me!

He lost loads of weight because he didn't cook and lived in squalor with his mum.

So he would literally rather starve than lift a finger towards "wifework".

That tells you everything you need to know about him.

My friend trained her partner in the best way ever.

She sat down with him weeks after they moved in together. He literally was a snail, left a trail behind him every where he went.
She sat with him calmly and told him that she was not his Mum and would be treat as if she was. He was to tidy after himself and take a share in the cleaning etc.
He said he would blah, blah.
Next day when she got up an hour after him his dishes were in the sink, dirty clothes and towel on the floor (A foot from the basket). He left opened letters on the couch.

That night they went to bed and to his horror his dishes, clothes and letters were on his side of the bed. He said it was unfair, she said it's unfair to leave them. No shouting, no more discussion.
He put them on the floor and went to sleep. She continued to do this for around a week until he got the message that she wouldn't be doing it.

Years later they are still together and very happy now he pulls his weight.

You teach people how you are willing to be treat.

I find men need things black and white. Write a list of jobs and equally split them between you if he still isn't willing to pull his weight then you need reevaluate your relationship

He sounds like a complete child.

Playing on a games console rather than putting his child to bed? What does that teach your child about their worth?

It must be really hard to face dealing with this, afterimage gone on for so long that it feels normal. The best way might be to tell him it has to change, for your child's sake, or the relationship is over. And utterly mean it.

Firstly, your expectation shouldn't be that he will 'help' you, it should be that he acts as an adult and does his share. Was he any different, ie doing his share when you first lived together? If not did you really think he would change after you had a child? Of course he didn't. You've probably enabled him for 9 years to be lazy and I think the chances of him changing are slim - I would send him home to his Mum to live in squalor.

So many women start threads on here identical to yours OP and after having a moan they, just like you, then describe their DP as a good and decent person or a great dad - they aren't, the vast majority will be a lazy, cocklodging manchild who will never change and who are a bad role model for any children.

Of course he’s a ‘good guy’. It’s easy to come across as happy chappy when you do fuck all. He can be nice and relaxed because, unlike you, he’s not being treated like a fucking maid, cook and cleaner.

Well if donas suggested

Write him a list
Put weekly daily next to it

If you cook he washes up
He washes the clothes - you iron
He does bed time every other night
Bath nights are one on one off

He is to sort DC Bags for school and sign letter and sort trip money

He's to do scouts and you do martial arts

Then see if it happens

If not - go on strike

He wants food - let him shop and cook it and wash up afterwards

Start being less available to do this crap

Manchild. Show him this thread OP.

This would be a deal breaker for me. It's selfish and disrespect of the highest order, couples are supposed to be a team and want to be a team, if I had to actually go on strike to get my DH to do his share I'd just call it a day tbh

My ex DH was self employed so managing a total joint account would have driven me mad as Iit was hard to keep track of fluctuating incomings and out goings so we sat down ,added all the bills up,estimated food and added a bit.We put half in each and reviewed it regularly.We were both good at saving so would review those when something needed doing to the house and paid proportionately.
We did separate washing as his socks were toxic and since he didn't separate his clothes mine got bunged in together.After he'd ruined rather a lot of my things and everything white I owned was gray and shapeless that was one less thing I did for him.

And again in the title ,he doesn't help with houseworj he should be doing his share.

Tell him the first 'new bill' will be the rent on his new home as you will want him out if he doesn't stop being a jackass and start pulling his weight around the house. Immediately. And he will be paying that one.

He's basically saying he thinks of his time as being more valuable than yours and that putting the bin out is beneath him but it's fine for you. If you can't deal with this lack of respect, you need to do something soon otherwise your DC will think this is normal. I hope you manage to reach a compromise in the long run xx

There are days I would happily drown my husband in the manky sink but in general we have a loving positive relationship so I get it. I'd put aside the nuclear option of leaving him.

It seems like there are two issues here money and contributing to the running of the household.

If you guys are planning to get married there is no his and hers it is all family money. Even if he earns a variable amount it can be managed. For example, my husband and I get paid into our joint account, 20% gets paid into a wealth building account (paying off debts, investing), 10% goes into a big splurge account (holidays, home improvements etc), and then 5% to our own spending accounts (coffees, lunches out, little treats, I get a little extra too for waxes and haircuts as DH doesn't have these expenses!). The remaining 60% is bills, rent, childcare etc.

As for pulling his weight, tell me when you hit the way to manage this! Er I treat my DH a bit like an underperforming member of staff! I used FlyLady to create a cleaning routine. I tell DH what to, he can see it on the list, I 'praise' him when he does things unbidden, I remind him when things need doing, I also still pick up a lot of slack but slowly we're getting there.

Would something like that work?

He's a manchild, and he thinks he is more important than you.
Could you put up with praising him for doing the dishes like a PP suggested? Or would the resentment of having to treat him like a baby kill any love you had for him?
Maybe you could spend your time making lists for your partner to ignore, as everyone knows, men can't do anything without a list. Its a minor miracle that they can manage to hold down jobs, the poor lambs.
Maybe just give in and get a cleaner? As everyone knows, housework is wifework, so why should he be expected to demean himself by cleaning!
He won't change, he has no reason too. You'll continue to do everything, and silently seethe. Do a search, look at all the women who stay in crap one-side relationships. Look at how many times a week this shit comes up. It always ends the same. Good luck