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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Clean Lodger's Room?

125 replies

MarriedToNetflix · 02/02/2018 19:08

NC for this.

I live with my husband and female friend who's our lodger. She pays rent every month and has her own room while having full use of the rest of the house. She works nights (5 on, 2 off) and we're all in our early thirties.

Lodger has always been lazy. She never cleans the communal areas but has always seen to her room. About a year ago she brought a cat home who was due to be put down that belonged to her friend and it didn't get along with our cat so she keeps it confined to her room at all times. The cat won't leave the room even if the door is open so while I've been concerned about the cat, I've been told she's fine.

Lodger hasn't cooked in months. She orders takeaway, eats in her room and doesn't take the rubbish out. She does a big clean maybe once a month and fills our bin up when she does it. I haven't spoken to her about this because I didn't want her to be embarrassed.

She's been away for four days with no contact. I tried texting her asking if she was coming home and if she needed me to feed the cat. No response. Called many times. One ring and straight to voicemail. Mutual friends said she was out drinking Wednesday and yesterday so I knew she was safe but I couldn't get hold of her at all. I'm annoyed because I've fed her cat on request before but either a) she expected me to feed the cat or b) didn't mind the cat starving with no fresh water for days.

After realising the cat hadn't been fed in two days I went into her room to feed it and OH MY GOD THE MESS. Cat litter and poo on the carpet, clothes everywhere, tins and tins of empty cat food on the side and the smell was disgusting. I fed the cat and left but mentioned it to my husband who went upstairs and said he could smell it on the landing. He said we couldn't live like this and went in to change the cats litter tray, take out the three black bags of rubbish he found including one of used cat litter and to crack a window.

Lodger came home today and said hello. We didn't say anything. She obviously noticed her room was cleaner and didn't confront us. We went out and came home to her leaving for work through the front door without even saying goodbye as usual so she's annoyed.

Was this unreasonable to feed her cat and expect not to live in filth in our home? It was absolutely reeking. Planning on having a conversation Sunday when I next see her about where to go from here.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarriedToNetflix · 02/02/2018 21:00

Should mention that she isn't registered with a GP here and is very lazy with her health. She has a copper coil fitted that ran out two years ago but won't register with a GP to get it removed as she apparently has no time (not true). I've had a serious conversation with her about this which ends in her saying she'll sort it and never does. She's not interested in medicating herself as she feels she's fine and I'd honestly agree had it not been for the past few months of red flags and this.

OP posts:
Ellendegeneres · 02/02/2018 21:05

specialsubject it’s so difficult with bipolar. I don’t like being medicated because I don’t like what I call ‘being controlled by tablets’ and even though I’m told it’s like a diabetic not taking their insulin, it’s a really difficult mindset to get out of. The antipsychotic medications often have really severe side effects, from as ‘minor’ as extreme drowsiness to wanting to claw your own skin off and struggling to do day to day things- I know because I had a review recently and the dr wanted me to consider various forms of treatments.
So I can’t say I blame the friend for not being medicated if mess and smell is the alternative, because she’ll be only seeing the impact on herself not those around her. But it’s not acceptable when you live with someone else to inflict that on them, their home or their family.

BulletFox · 02/02/2018 21:07

Looks like you'll have to have a serious talk with her on Sunday then, but praps send her a text now saying you'll need access to her room because of the cat.

Good luck, hope it works out :)

Ellendegeneres · 02/02/2018 21:08

Cross post op. A three year friendship imo is one worth waving goodbye to, if (as in your case) she clearly values the friendship less than you do. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes you have to do what’s best for you. Right now, that’s get her out because she might make the right noises to change, but long term it won’t last

AdalindSchade · 02/02/2018 21:24

I don't think a 3 year friendship is that much of an investment to hang on to after this behaviour

AviatrixMama · 02/02/2018 21:39

I agree with @AdalindSchade. I had a friend who became a roommate and then destroyed my house. Not only that but he constantly had people over and made it difficult to get any sleep on work nights. I had to eventually tell him that it makes me sad but it's not working out. I gave him a month to move out. I let that friendship go. We were friends for about 2 years. His behaviour while living with me just made me not want to be friends anymore so I wasn't sad about losing him as a friend either. Though he did invite me to his wedding but I pretty much avoided him after he moved out.

HoppyHannah · 02/02/2018 21:52

What do you do with a licensee who refuses to move out though?

Original poster
MarriedToNetflix · 02/02/2018 22:02

That's a really good question. What can I do if she refuses to move out? Since there's no contract, what rights do I have?

OP posts:
Original poster
MarriedToNetflix · 02/02/2018 22:08

Thank you so much for the information. I'll update here after I've spoken to her in regards to notice. I'll ring around some local animal shelters tomorrow to see if they can take the cat and if no joy, more on Monday including the RSPCA.

Do you think texting her all of this would help or better to do it all in person?

OP posts:
BulletFox · 02/02/2018 22:11

I would have thought it best to say by text that you need to access her room to take care of the cat, then bring up the wider issues on Sunday

Emilizz34 · 02/02/2018 22:20

I had a flat mate like this years ago . Dirty dishes, cat bowls , cat litter tray and take away rubbish just piled up in her room . We didn’t notice until visitors began to comment on the smell as we had probably gotten used to it .
She used to leave her cat unattended for days when she stayed with her new boyfriend and everyone else ended up looking after him . When we politely asked her to leave , she did so but unplugged our freezer on the way out which ruined several hundred pounds worth of food .

BulletFox · 02/02/2018 22:26

Christ Emilizz that's vindictive of her

Original poster
MarriedToNetflix · 02/02/2018 22:36

That is so vindictive! Better check all of our appliances and belongings when she leaves!

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 02/02/2018 22:37

You are being very reasonable and sensible to not react too quickly.

Original poster
MarriedToNetflix · 02/02/2018 23:00

I've sent her a text and tried not to allude to the fact she's filthy and abusing her cat.

"Hey love, I’m so sorry I had to access your room but you hadn’t been home in days and were uncontactable so I needed to feed Sophie while you were away. I noticed all the rubbish and since it was beginning to smell I thought I’d help you out a bit and get rid of the rubbish for you to save you doing it when you got home and cracked the window so the heating didn’t make it too stale.

I really think Sophie needs more space and someone to take care of her while you’re away. It’ll be nice for her to have her litter tray and food in separate spaces and to have more room to lounge and be with you. Have you thought about rehoming her or maybe getting a shared house that allows pets so there’s someone to look after her if you’re away again? With the baby coming I can’t really feed Sophie as it’s so close to the litter tray and toxoplasmosis is incredibly dangerous to an unborn baby.

I’m not throwing you out on the street and I’m talking about it now so you have a month or two to find somewhere you like and can live with pets but this isn’t an ideal situation for either of us considering the new situation . Let me know what you think."

OP posts:
PlateOfBiscuits · 02/02/2018 23:06

That’s a good text. Hopefully she’ll reply to you soon.

Tapandgo · 02/02/2018 23:06

Can’t believe how you could tolerate this in your home -

JaneEyre70 · 02/02/2018 23:13

She does sound as though she can't look after herself let alone a cat. You can't allow animal cruelty under your roof, and I'd give her a set deadline to sort the cat out or you will. I'd also make it very clear that she is to keep her room in a tidy state until she leaves. There is no excuse for that, and it's your home.

mtpaektu · 02/02/2018 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MarriedToNetflix · 02/02/2018 23:31

She replied saying she'd been thinking about it due to the baby's arrival. She said she'd need time to save for a deposit and first months rent so I told her I could do until the beginning of April. I'll fix a date with her this weekends but looking at two months from now on a Monday. The stipulation is that her room is clean until she leaves. She's fine to leave furniture here too and I'll knock money off the final rent if the new place is furnished as I could use it for DSS and the baby. I've talked about rehoming the cat regardless though by next week as nearly all private landlords here are no pets allowed and I fear it'll take her longer to leave. It's not fair on the cat or on our family.

DH is fully supportive, thankfully. Hoping we can remain friends or at least acquaintances from this but if we can't, I have bigger priorities to handle.

It'll mean a lot of saving but I feel we can do it.

OP posts:
FluffyWuffy100 · 02/02/2018 23:38

The cat would be better off being put down than living like that. Fucking hell. She’s got serious problems.

humblesims · 03/02/2018 08:20

You should also check that the cat has had its innoculations and has been regularly wormed and flead....last thing you want is fleas.

Original poster
MarriedToNetflix · 03/02/2018 10:16

The cat has definitely been flead as she gets the injection by the vet every 6 months. Unsure about worming so I'll check.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 03/02/2018 15:08

Well done x

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