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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not just rock up to a child’s party

54 replies

itsnotterrysitsmine · 02/02/2018 16:16

DS1, just turned 6, on the walk home today drops that it’s xxxx (good friend of his in his class) birthday party today after school at local soft play. This is the first DH or I have heard about it. For context this is only the second party invite he’s had this year so to him it would be a bit of an event.

DS is adamant he’s had an invitation but hasn’t shown us, just given it back to the boy concerned & said he can go. He can describe the invitation, the date that’s on it (thought it was a phone number).

I’ve told DS we can’t go as we don’t know if his name’s on the party list, we’ve got no card or present, by the time we get changed & walk there we’ll be 30 minutes late for a 2hr party that he may not be on the list for meaning I’d have to pay £11 for him & ds2 to play for 1hr 30 minutes +any food & drink. Normally wouldn’t mind this (always pay for other DS to play if one’s on the party list & the other isn’t) but Given that he’s just screamed & shouted at me for pointing out to him that he should have shown us the invite etc so that we could have arranged things (like transport for one) & hit me it doesn’t make me feel inclined to rush around & drag a grumpy, under the weather 4 month old out for this.

So AIBU

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 02/02/2018 16:19

YANBU. There will be other parties and the hitting would help me make the decision.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/02/2018 16:20

No I woulden't, I would just tell him, that next time, to keep invitation in his book bag and you will open them at home. I guess its a bit late to contact the mum and ask her if he was invited.

bathandpjs · 02/02/2018 16:21

I can imagine 6 year old me doing something similar to your DS, not fully understanding the invite etiquette. I can also imagine my sister at 6 inviting herself to a party this way, so I can see your dilemma.

Is there anyway to get in touch with the host and see what's going on? Would it be that much of a hassle if you took him compared to him missing out, perhaps leaving the 5 month old with someone?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/02/2018 16:21

If he's hit you and in a mood, then no, it will hopefully teach him to keep invitation in his bag until he gets home and shows you.

Lucymek · 02/02/2018 16:24

I would stop bringing your other children to a party they are not invited to aswell. It's annoying.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 02/02/2018 16:24

Can you ring the child's parents to find out? Or ring soft play center?

MavisPike · 02/02/2018 16:24

can you not just text the other mum/dad to check ?
I'm thinking of the birthday child

PuppyMonkey · 02/02/2018 16:27

OP might not have the parents’ number to text. It would usually be in the invitation.

I’d leave it if he’s hit you anyway. Lesson learned.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 02/02/2018 16:27

Can't you phone one of the other parents who might be going and find out if he was invited? Or phone the venue and see if his name is on the list? He won't care if he changes or not and you can sort card / present out for Monday... I would see if I could do what I could to get him there. .

SweetMoon · 02/02/2018 16:41

Normally I'd say ring the mum and ask or ring the play centre to get hold of her there and explain what your ds is saying, but after you've written this: but Given that he’s just screamed & shouted at me for pointing out to him that he should have shown us the invite etc so that we could have arranged things & hit me I'd definaitely not be taking him.

grumpy4squash · 02/02/2018 16:41

If he's given back a blank invitation, the birthday child's parents probably think your DS isn't coming.

Davespecifico · 02/02/2018 16:45

Even if he was invited, there’s been no rsvp, so parents won’t have put you on the list.
Next time, he needs to know to give you the invite.

Tipsntoes · 02/02/2018 16:53

I wouldn't take him because of the behaviour.

If he hadn't behaved badly, if we had time, I might go and explain to mum, then leave if he wasn't on the list. I wouldn't be paying for him to go in if he'd lied about the invitation.

BarbarianMum · 02/02/2018 16:56

Poor kid. Yes he should have shown you the invite but he's 6 and didn't know that and I should imagine the shouting/hitting is a reflection of how disappointed he is in not being able to go when (in his mind) it was all sorted and fine.

I'd take him and explain but then I've had incidents like this (forgetting to show invitations to parents, not the hitting) with my sons and friends up til the age of 9.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 02/02/2018 16:58

So you only have his word that there is a party and that it's today and at that venue? I wouldn't be rushing there on his word even without his hitting you.

BarbarianMum · 02/02/2018 16:58
Sleephead1 · 02/02/2018 17:03

Could you contact the mum to find out ? They might have played for him if birthday boy has said he was coming. I also think yes the behaviour is bad but he's 6 and if he is invited he probably feels like he was all set to the party and you've suddenly stopped him going at the last moment.

Believeitornot · 02/02/2018 17:04

If the real reason for you not wanting to take him is because you can’t be bothered then that’s a bit mean.

If you can simply just get in touch with the parent and check then why not do that?

Greensleeves · 02/02/2018 17:04

I can understand his upset if he thought he was going to a party and has been told he isn't - coping with disappointment is a learning curve and lots of adults aren't very good at it either.

I would continue to explain calmly that he needs to keep the invitation and give it to you next time he is invited to a party, so that you can make arrangements. You can't just take his word for it and turn up without an invitation, that isn't how it works. I would also explain that even had he definitely been invited, shouting and hitting would mean that he wouldn't be going. You need to be able to trust him to behave properly if he is going to go to parties and be left in the care of other parents; boys who scream and hit people when they don't get their own way don't get to go to parties.

He's learning and he's disappointed. Give him a bit of time and then cuddle him and do something else nice with him, but stay firm on party/invitation protocol and the consequences of losing his temper, because he needs to know these things are not negotiable.

mindutopia · 02/02/2018 17:05

If you haven't explicitly rsvped to the parent's then no, I wouldn't just turn up as they won't have prepared food or anything for him. Besides the rude behaviour, it's a good lesson to help him understand that he needs to bring these things home to you in the future so you can let them know you're coming.

rocketgirl22 · 02/02/2018 17:07

Call the play centre, they will have the list.

Print a voucher for a gift and ds can quickly draw a card and take him.

If this is only the second invite he has, it will be important to him

Marcine · 02/02/2018 17:09

Even if he was invited, you haven't RSVPed so too late to turn up now anyway.

Dancergirl · 02/02/2018 17:10

it's a good lesson to help him understand that he needs to bring these things home to you in the future so you can let them know you're coming

Think that's a bit much to expect from a 6 year old. They usually just forget!

I went through my dc's bag each night to check for homework, party invitations, letters etc.

Davespecifico · 02/02/2018 17:12

He won’t be on the party list as they haven’t rsvp’d.
I think it’s possible OP’s son hasn’t been invited, but has seen an invite for someone else. The reason for this being that the boy’s mum hasn’t chased up a reply.

Crocusqueen · 02/02/2018 17:12

What everyone else said, it's a shame he'll miss the party but it's a learning experience for him and he'll know for next time. At a push I might have tried to phone the mum at the last minute, but not now he has behaved poorly