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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not just rock up to a child’s party

54 replies

itsnotterrysitsmine · 02/02/2018 16:16

DS1, just turned 6, on the walk home today drops that it’s xxxx (good friend of his in his class) birthday party today after school at local soft play. This is the first DH or I have heard about it. For context this is only the second party invite he’s had this year so to him it would be a bit of an event.

DS is adamant he’s had an invitation but hasn’t shown us, just given it back to the boy concerned & said he can go. He can describe the invitation, the date that’s on it (thought it was a phone number).

I’ve told DS we can’t go as we don’t know if his name’s on the party list, we’ve got no card or present, by the time we get changed & walk there we’ll be 30 minutes late for a 2hr party that he may not be on the list for meaning I’d have to pay £11 for him & ds2 to play for 1hr 30 minutes +any food & drink. Normally wouldn’t mind this (always pay for other DS to play if one’s on the party list & the other isn’t) but Given that he’s just screamed & shouted at me for pointing out to him that he should have shown us the invite etc so that we could have arranged things (like transport for one) & hit me it doesn’t make me feel inclined to rush around & drag a grumpy, under the weather 4 month old out for this.

So AIBU

OP posts:

Mulberry72 · 02/02/2018 17:13

My DS is 11 and is a nightmare for not giving me invites etc (before anyone says I should be checking his bag every night he leaves them in his drawer at school!) I’ve had no end of texts/calls from parents trying to finalise their numbers and it’s so embarrassing having to explain that this is is the first I’ve heard about it!

I wouldn’t take him to the party, poor behaviour aside it will hopefully teach him to give invites straight to you so that he doesn’t miss out on any more parties.

Mxyzptlk · 02/02/2018 17:14

^^ Good ideas, rocketgirl.

DS is only 6, didn't know how to deal with the invite in the expected way, fully thought he would be going to the party and is completely horrified to be told No, hence perfectly understandable lashing out.

What did you decide to do, OP?

Maya80 · 02/02/2018 17:15

My dd is the same age, invitations are usually given to each other at school and the teacher tells them to put them unopened in their book bags to open once school finishes. Since year R this seems to have worked fine, amongst dd and her group of friends anyway, which includes boys as well as girls aged 6-7.

Being such late notice I wouldn't have let dd go especially if I had a poorly baby too. Plus your ds wouldn't be on the list so it might be a bit awkward with the parents? His friend probably told his parents your ds couldn't come and had given the invite back. Hopefully the experience will help him to learn how to deal with party invitations, if he doesn't bring them home and give you the details then he doesn't get to go, there's no other way it would work at this young age!

If dd then got upset, cross and grumpy I'd understand that she doesn't want to miss out but I'd stand firm. I'd probably feel a bit like I was missing out too if other parents were going, it's the whole fomo thing!

If dd hit me I'd say as well as no party she also now loses something like no iPad time tonight, or no Friday eve ice cream, whatever you use as immediate consequences at home. When he's calmer later talk to him about how the whole invitation thing works and what he needs to do next time x

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 02/02/2018 17:15

I think it’s too late.

Let him get over his temper and dissapointment and then have a chat about what do do with invites and about his behaviour.

Then tell him you will arrange a play date for him with some friends next week.

It’s s lesson learned

YellowPrimula · 02/02/2018 17:15

As the other child is 4 months old according to the OP I would think that it’s fine . However give. That you haven’t replied and would be late I would probably give this one a miss

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 02/02/2018 17:20

Believeitornot

If the real reason for you not wanting to take him is because you can’t be bothered then that’s a bit mean

How did you get that impression from the OP?

OP I'd definitely not take him now that he's hit you!
The birthday child's parents will not be expecting your DS anyway because you didn't RSVP.

Your DS needs to learn that invitations must be given to you and RSVP'd to AND that throwing a strop and lashing out is not the way to behave, no matter how disappointed he is!

Idontdowindows · 02/02/2018 17:27

hence perfectly understandable lashing out.

nonononononono. He has screamed and hit his mother. That is not acceptable under ANY circumstances. And I'd wager it's not the first time he's done that either, is it OP?

Original poster

itsnotterrysitsmine · 02/02/2018 17:27

Thanks for all the replies.

Unfortunately I don’t have the other parents number to check with them. As it is we’ve not gone due to uncertainty of invite / time / location & DS’s behaviour over it (although I’m sure as Barbarianmum said it’s the disappointment at not going to what he thought was a done deal) coupled with the practical logistics like getting there & back.

Lucymek thanks for the really helpful advice on party etiquette, it had never crossed my mind that turning up to a party at an exclusively hired location with extra children & expecting them to be fully included in the party for free might be annoying Given that this was in normal business hours & therefore open to the fee paying public at the same time, in the absence of suitable child care paying for the other DS to play & eat (independent of the party) really shouldn’t be annoying for the party people. Unless they are going to be annoyed by every other person who has paid for their children to play at the same time as the party is on?

OP posts:

PandasRock · 02/02/2018 17:29

When dd2 was 6 and had a party, I ended up having to chase lots of replies. One mum replied, and said (apologetically) that her ds had had the invite, opened it, filled it in, gone home and told his mum that he was definitely going and had dealt with the rsvp and would hand it back to dd2 (he just forgot the last bit of it).

Is there any chance your ds has actually dealt appropriately with the invite, and so he is on the list and expected since he rsvp’d?

hibbledibble · 02/02/2018 17:34

Yanbu

I wouldn't go as you are not sure if he is invited to start with, and it would be very embarassing to turn up uninvited. Hitting you means it is straight home.

Children often lose invites, but the consequences of this is no party.

Crumbs1 · 02/02/2018 17:35

Whether he was on the list or not he shouldn’t go because he hit you. Totally unacceptable and needs a firm response.

BelleandBeast · 02/02/2018 17:45

YANBU.

If its soft play, I'd take my other child too, but they don't get to eat party food or get a gift bag. but they always over cater these things and there is usually enough food

Dancergirl · 02/02/2018 17:50

Children often lose invites, but the consequences of this is no party

I think that's a bit mean especially for young children. Most parents would follow up invites with a text/whatsapp etc so lost invitations usually come to light.

Lalliella · 02/02/2018 17:51

You were definitely right not to take him because of his behaviour and because he hasn’t rsvp-ed so he won’t be on the list. However, you have been inadvertently rude in not replying to the invitation. You need to try and contact the other mum at some point and explain what happened. Otherwise you’ll get a reputation I’m afraid. Non-repliers to my DC’s invitations didn’t get invited again.

Dancergirl · 02/02/2018 17:56

Non-repliers to my DC’s invitations didn’t get invited again

I do agree with you, I also find non-repliers very annoying. But suppose your child is good friends with a non-replier? Would you tell your child they can't invite x or y because their parent was rude?

Original poster

itsnotterrysitsmine · 02/02/2018 17:58

Lalliella I’m going to try to find the other mum on Monday to find out if he was invited & if he was explain, they either think I haven’t replied or we’ve just not shown up

OP posts:

MsMarple · 02/02/2018 18:03

Lucymek

Lizzie48 · 02/02/2018 18:10

It's not an issue to take siblings to a party in a soft play centre, if it's open to the general public. You pay for the siblings, where is the issue?? DH and I have done this, the other child just doesn't go into the party room or get a party bag.

In this scenario, I would try and find out if I could, so you can at least explain to the friend's mum that you didn't just ignore the invite and apologise. And your DS might actually be on their list, and they might be expecting him.

Is there a back story with the hitting? My DD1 has issues and has lashed out at me, she has Attachment Disorder. If your DS is on the list of expected children then I would let him go, in view of the fact that he has very few party invitations. There would need to be another consequence, though, we sanction DD1 with a loss of pocket money, for example.

Original poster

itsnotterrysitsmine · 02/02/2018 18:22

No back story to the hitting, just an angry, upset, frustrated & disappointed 6yr old who lashed out. Not normal behaviour from him at all. Unfortunately the party will be over now, the logistics of getting there on foot would have meant we’d have been at least 30minutes late if we’d have gone.

The invites (or lack of) aren’t because he’s being left out but more because the other children in his class don’t really have parties, there weren’t many parties last year either. Think due to class size, cost etc other families have done more special family days from what DS has said.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 02/02/2018 18:29

You’ll probably find out the party isn’t today but in 2 weeks time or something. Six year olds aren’t great with dates IME.

rocketgirl22 · 02/02/2018 19:17

I would seek to reassure ds that he will be able to have a special birthday playdate with his friend, and then make arrangements for him to see his friend. I would be keen to make this up to him (despite his tantrum)

Why?

Because he is so young at six to know how to do these things, nor how to control himelf when he is very upset. He will be feeling left out and if there aren't many parties anyway it is even worse that he missed one of the only ones. This would be a good way to make it better for him.

Friendships are so important at this age, I would absolutely want to encourage this. A little token gift for the friend and some cake. Easy.

Callamia · 02/02/2018 19:24

I feel sorry for him. He’s made a mistake with the invitation, and now he can’t go to the party (because , reasonably, you don’t know where or when it actually is).

I agree with others that I’d tell him that we’d make it up to the birthday child soon, and arrange a special birthday play date, that he could help to organise.

I’d also definitely go and seek out the boy’s mum and apologise for my child’s daft mistake.

LavenderDoll · 02/02/2018 19:32

I think you did the right thing OP but I can understand your DS being upset as in his head he thought it was a done deal.
Also I never see a problem with siblings

Original poster

itsnotterrysitsmine · 02/02/2018 19:42

I feel sorry for him too & if we had known he would have gone, if I’d been able to get him there even with the lack of certainty on date, time & venue, without being at least 30 minutes late (possibly an hour dependent on party start time) I would have. Serious mummy guilt again tonight.

He’s calmed down & we’ve talked about it. I’ve reiterated the importance of showing us any invites (I check his book bag every night but you know what kids are like with these things) & reassured him I’ll find the other child’s mum & explain what happened.

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 02/02/2018 19:55

Thanks for the update.
That's really all you could do, in the circs.

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