To be fed up of losing male friends?

[Enirroc]

I've always found that I got on really well with men. Even as a child I spent huge amounts of time playing with boys, I've got some awesome female friends, but I'm getting utterly fed up of losing male friends because their partners or other people around us assume that I can't control myself around them or vice versa.

Why can't people believe that men and women can honestly be just friends?

Well yes of course male and female can be friends but some women don't like the idea of their man being close to another woman and the man will always choose their wife/ partner over a friend. Priorities change, that's life.

I understand priorities changing, it's the judgement that I don't like

Lots of romantic relationships start as friends

Do you make an effort to get to know their girlfriends too? Once people settle down they usually start socialising as a couple.

I like the company of men too, but once I settled down with my DH, meeting male friends alone tailed off. Unless they're also friends with DH and part of our social circle. He has a couple of close female friends, who I trust, because I've known them for years. They go running together and are part of the same hobby group. I think it's good for him to have women to talk to, advise him from a female perspective etc. But if I didn't know them or they seemed cold with me/only wanted to see DH alone I wouldn't be happy with it. Or if they wanted to do intimate things like a movie night or dinner out together.

Sadly it's not unusual for women to try to seduce married men. Or for close friendships to deepen into something else.

YANBU. And it is sad. Happened to me. Didn't help that my best friend said to his gf that if they hadn't met and I hadn't met my DH, we'd probably be married! Found out she was a jealous type after and lost my DF.

I’ve made a point of befriending my best friend’s girlfriend. Long term I know that spending time with him will mean spending time with her too, because one to one meetings with other close male friends have always pretty much ceased after they have kids. In other cases where I am friendly but not actively friends with the partner that has meant the friendship has dwindled away, so for my best friend I have taken precautions well in advance. Fortunately she’s lovely so it’s no hardship.

I liked my male friends but they all put the moves on sooner or later. Then they disappeared when it was apparent nothing would ever happen (or I told them where to go). I don’t think you can blame their partner’s entirely.

Partners. Autocorrect bastard.

They don't even all have partners, but still the perception seems to be that we can't possibly be just friends, it's just other friends- or not friends being nasty sometimes- in those cases. I have also had some that their partner refuses to allow them to be friends even with no sign of anything ever happening between us.

I could understand it if we actually had more between us, but when we haven't...

It is a shame but some people don’t feel secure in their relationship when their partner is clos to another man or woman and if you were being fair I think you’d understand that.

If they don’t have partners I don’t understand at all.

Same happened with most of my friends (male),was really close to them, all great until they met someone and that someone didn’t like the fact they had female friends.

Do you have a partner though OP?

Sorry to say that in my experience, the likelihood is that even when male / female relationships start as platonic, they invariably develop into something more, even if it's just one-sided. Personally, I couldn't be bothered with maintaining a male "friendship" to the point where it would make his girlfriend annoyed. It's more hassle than it's worth.

They don't even all have partners, but still the perception seems to be that we can't possibly be just friends

Oh, I get this. Hate it. Even my teenage daughter raised her eyebrows at us walking arm in arm down a crowded street when it was the only way to not get separated in the crowd and continue our conversation. Friends nudge and wink just because we arrive and leave together. I haven’t so much as touched lips with my best friend in 30 years of friendship. I wish people would just get over the idea that it’s a romance waiting to happen. They don’t act like that about same sex friendships, ever (and ironically the worst nudge-winkers are gay so that shouldn’t be considered a barrier to romance!).

I think its probably because platonic friends so frequently start shagging.

I'm a man who has always had close female friends. Stems from primary school where in a class of 21 there were only 5 boys and 3 of those didn't live in the same small town. Therefore having female friends was just totally natural and continued into secondary school and adult life. My best friend is female.

The first people I introduced my new girlfriend to 18 years ago were my best friend (who had recently been dumped after 5 years), two other female friends and their partners. So they'd all been around for years before my girlfriend. When one of these friends split with her partner about five years later, I had her round for lunch and a long chat. That night my girlfriend came out with "I don't know why you never got together, you get on so well". I didn't like the tone with which she said it but let it pass.

We used to socialise in a group, and occasionally I would socialise with just the women. As we had done for years and years previously.

Then my girlfriend took against my best friend. Who was long term single by this time. Kept making little snide remarks. Then I was told I should not see her unless it was part of a group.

I immediately dumped my girlfriend. Apparently it was clear I fancied my best friend, and she fancied me, and she just knew we'd be a couple within six months.

That was eight years ago. I still haven't slept with my best friend. Or any other of my female friends. Nor will I.

This is something that makes me sad. I had male friends whom I was so close to in my 20s that I rarely see now. I think some GFs and wives are not that comfortable with it, and they will make an effort with GFs and wives of their partner's male friends, but not comfortable about their closeness with you.

I think it's also partly that some men after marriage seem to rely on their partner for social life organising.

Some people are simply obsessed with heterosexual monogamy, and pants-poopingly outraged and scared by anything that doesn't fit into the traditional model of man+woman = lifetime sacred commitment before which everyone else must bow down and worship.

The sort of people who make good friends are usually not too fussed about that sort of thing or part of a diverse group (ie single people, LGBTQ people, maybe a few poly people) and therefore accept 'friendship' as a definition without pestering and poking about whether there's something more 'really' happening there.

I have plenty of male friends and have known some of them for 30 years, much longer than some of my closest female friends. I know 3 of my closest girl friends because they started dating men I was already friends with.

DH also has a couple of really good female friends and those relationships have lasted decades and survived people being single, married, divorced, children, remarriages, all sorts. I love them to bits and enjoy spending time with them but they're his friends and I'm happy for him to see them alone, which way predates me, as he is for me spending time with man friends.

I've lost a good female friend because of the guy she was with, another because of who I was with (turns out she was right but took me years to realise it sadly) but never a male friend due to his partner or wife.

Are you incredibly attractive OP? Maybe that's the difference! No one would see me as a threat

If your male friends have long term relationships then most likely they will have their own social network with other couples, and are quietly moving away from other nights out/friendships. Especially if they have dc they will busy and tired.

I doubt it is all the their dp keeping their dh/dps locked up to keep them safe from you, but it is quite natural and normal once you have settled down properly to see friends together as a couple and not so much old friends from the past of either sex.

Dh and I have only stayed in touch with our very closest friends from our younger days, we simply don't have the time to keep up with old but not especially special close friends.

Developing friendships with women with shared interests can be just as rewarding.

I hate this too OP. Over the years my male friends have gradually spoke to me less and DH more. If we are arranging to go out together it is expected that I contact my male friends female partners to organise it. It's incredibly irritating.

I'm like you OP, much more of a guy's girl. However, I find I'm also good friends with exes, because it's got that question out of the way. Could never fancy each other again, it's all done and dusted. An ex who became really good phone friends with me, recently had a baby with his girlfriend. I'm hoping to go down and visit them all with my child. I will be making a conscious effort to make his gf totally at ease with our blokey friendship and show my respect for their relationship. This is because I've been on the other side of the fence where a close female friend of my bf was incredibly possessive of him and tried to push me out. She had her own bf but sat on my bf's lap, feeding him something in front of us both, things like that. Totally disrespectful.
In other words, m/f friendships are fine, but I do think it would be a courtesy for the ff or mf to put the new partner at ease, be understanding that they may be seen as a threat and take a step back (as all friends do when a new relationship starts and someone's time is devoted to that).

I have male friends and DH has female friends.
However, if any of my male friends' new partners seem to consider me a threat then I drop back. As a friend, I want my friend to be happy. I don't want to cause undue stress in their relationships.
But not all male/female friendships are the same. Maybe the male friends that dropped you were considering you a potential partner . . .

It is something that I have had to adjust as I have got older. I always found it easier to bond with men and have kept a few friendships but have not made any new male friendships in over 20 years and have had to learn to make female friends.