To be fed up of losing male friends?

[Enirroc]

I've always found that I got on really well with men. Even as a child I spent huge amounts of time playing with boys, I've got some awesome female friends, but I'm getting utterly fed up of losing male friends because their partners or other people around us assume that I can't control myself around them or vice versa.

Why can't people believe that men and women can honestly be just friends?

@enniroc

Since it's happening with ALL your male friends I'm wondering if it's something g you are doing but are not aware you are doing?...maybe you feel you are coming across as bubbly or friendly but on their side it could be perceived as flirty?

EXACTLY. The OP can be as wide-eyed and innocent as she likes, but something about her - and women like her - are raising the hackles of men she is 'friends' with. She says she has tried to be friends with these women (YES I DID READ YOUR POSTS OP!) but has she really???

As I said earlier, my husband has half a dozen female friends at work, who he chats to after work, and has and sat having coffees with, and they are just as friendly with me; 'liking' facebook posts and pics, inviting me out, and making a fuss of my kids and me. It's the single females who wanna stay bezzies with their male friend, and perpetually EXCLUDE the new wife/girlfriend who are the problem - and they do exist.

As a pp said, they must be tripping if they think things are going to stay the same when their male 'friend' has got married, or entered into a serious relationship. Yes your relationship/friendship with him WILL be affected. And the thing is, the man's MALE friends will be largely pushed out too, in favour of the new woman. I know many a man who has got all pissy because their mate had a 'new bird' and they don't spend much time with them anymore.

Thing is, people move on, they forge new relationships, and no, the old people don't fit into their lives much anymore. And when someone meets a new man - or woman - their partner continuing to socialise regularly with a member of the opposite sex - ALONE - is going to be largely unacceptable to most people.

If you are not one of these annoying, clingy females, and you DON'T expect to socialise with him without his wife, then I apologise. But many single women with male friends ARE like this.

If you have loads of male friends though, you are really going to have to accept that things WON'T be the same when they have a new girlfriend/wife, and I don't understand why you would expect it to be. No WAY is any new woman of your male friend going to be happy with a old female friend of his continuing to socialise - alone - with her man. And as has been said, a man would not like it either, if the roles were reversed. Sorry, but no matter what anyone says, no-one is going to be happy with it.

Also when you socialise with these men are you socialising just you and them because they are bound to feel awkward if their girlfriends are going to grill them when they come home, so maybe it would be best to see them as a group rather than one on one.

This ^ Why can you not socialise with this man in a group? (That includes his wife...) Why do you need to be alone with him?

Since it's happening with ALL your male friends I'm wondering if it's something g you are doing but are not aware you are doing?...maybe you feel you are coming across as bubbly or friendly but on their side it could be perceived as flirty?

EXACTLY. The OP can be as wide-eyed and innocent as she likes, but something about her - and women like her - are raising the hackles of men she is 'friends' with. She says she has tried to be friends with these women (YES I DID READ YOUR POSTS OP!) but has she really???

As I said earlier, my husband has half a dozen female friends at work, who he chats to after work, and has and sat having coffees with, and they are just as friendly with me; 'liking' facebook posts and pics, inviting me out, and making a fuss of my kids and me. It's the single females who wanna stay bezzies with their male friend, and perpetually EXCLUDE the new wife/girlfriend who are the problem - and they do exist.

As a pp said, they must be tripping if they think things are going to stay the same when their male 'friend' has got married, or entered into a serious relationship. Yes your relationship/friendship with him WILL be affected. And the thing is, the man's MALE friends will be largely pushed out too, in favour of the new woman. I know many a man who has got all pissy because their mate had a 'new bird' and they don't spend much time with them anymore.

Thing is, people move on, they forge new relationships, and no, the old people don't fit into their lives much anymore. And when someone meets a new man - or woman - their partner continuing to socialise regularly with a member of the opposite sex - ALONE - is going to be largely unacceptable to most people.

@enirroc

If you are not one of these annoying, clingy females, and you DON'T expect to socialise with him without his wife, then I apologise. But many single women with male friends ARE like this.

If you have loads of male friends though, you are really going to have to accept that things WON'T be the same when they have a new girlfriend/wife, and I don't understand why you would expect it to be. No WAY is any new woman of your male friend going to be happy with a old female friend of his continuing to socialise - alone - with her man. And as has been said, a man would not like it either, if the roles were reversed. Sorry, but no matter what anyone says, no-one is going to be happy with it.

Also when you socialise with these men are you socialising just you and them because they are bound to feel awkward if their girlfriends are going to grill them when they come home, so maybe it would be best to see them as a group rather than one on one.

This ^ Why can you not socialise with this man in a group? (That includes his wife...) Why do you need to be alone with him?

If you are not one of these annoying, clingy females, and you DON'T expect to socialise with him without his wife, then I apologise. But many single women with male friends ARE like this.

Would a single woman also be 'annoying and clingy' (the irony...) if she wanted to meet up with her female best friend alone sometimes, without said best friend's partner chaperoning them to every meeting? Seeing as how being a couple apparently means they have to do everything together? What if both women were gay or bisexual?

No WAY is any new woman of your male friend going to be happy with a old female friend of his continuing to socialise - alone - with her man.

They are not gay though psycho, so that's not the point. Of course it's a different dynamic meeting a married male friend to a female. This is just obvious to anyone with any common sense and basic boundaries.

@TheStoic it's been a combination of the two.

If any man says his girlfriend is the reason he needs to back off your friendship, he is either using her as an excuse, or he values her over you. Nobody has a gun to his head.

If you’re going to be annoyed at anyone, be annoyed at the men who are dropping you like a hot potato.

g1itterati, what about my second question then? What if the two female friends were gay or bisexual, would you still say they shouldn't ever expect to meet up alone?

I'm sure - well, I'd hope - that most people here would find it shockingly outdated and homophobic to think that gay people must fancy all their friends of the same sex. So why is it any different for people who aren't gay with friends of the opposite sex? It's almost like some people can have friendships based on things other than wanting to shag each other

OK, it's partly socialisation (the idea that the most important thing in a woman's life is finding and keeping Her Man works to men's benefit, or it wouldn't be so consistently pushed on women) but all these clingy whiners could do with getting some hobbies, interests and friends of their own, then they wouldn't be so tiresome.

And once again we have women blaming other women for men’s decisions and behaviour. How novel.

@petbear I have never even once said about spending time alone with them, and have repeatedly said that my friendship is newer than the relationship not the other way round- so most of what you're saying bears no relationship to it. As I've said, they are people I've got to know in group situations because of a mutual interest.

And as @psychomath has said, what has my sec got to do with it? Why would it be gone if I was a man, but not fine because I'm not?

@TheStoic I've heard it direct from the partners too

I’ve heard it direct from the partners too

And your male friends are backing off? That’s their decision. Stop blaming their girlfriends.

Relationships change

And these men do have a choice

maybe they haven’t wanted or needed such a close relationship with you once they have a partner

I find women like that blame other women for being threatened by them are usually insecure and more often self absorbed it suits their way of thinking

at petbear's posts.

OP is being normal - she makes a friend through a shared interest who happens to be male, tries to make friends with their partner too, but gets knocked back, and then loses the original friend.

This is annoying, but hey ho OP - you don't really know whether it's because you're being perceived as a threat (which can and does happen with single women) or whether partner felt you just weren't their cup of tea, so discouraged the friendship. Some people are just like that.

@pandarific one of them specifically said they were having trust issues and it was my fault... She then took control of his social media, and deleted and blocked me from everything and said he was never allowed to contact me again... It genuinely shocked me.

If they trust them so little, why are they even staying together- I don't get it.

I personally would have second thoughts on a man with a female best friend - too often it's a case of "not wanting him/her but not wanting anyone else to have him/her either". Or wanting a relationship, but never getting the balls/ovaries to go for it and worrying the time has passed - until they decide to give it a shot. I would not get tangled up in any of that bullshit.

You know what; you can keep your and icons to yourself.

Everything I have said is true (for most people.) Most people WON'T want their new partner/new spouse to keep socialising with a member of the opposite sex ALONE without them. You must have a severe lack of emotional intelligence to think any different. Or you are very arrogant and selfish.

And men will dislike it as much as women, which is what I said earlier, even though someone carefully edited my post a bit further back to make it look like I had said 'only women.'

And I KNEW someone would come up with the 'what about same sex relationship friends?' yawn......... I can count on the fingers of one HAND the amount of gay people I have been good friends with, and I have only known a couple who have been a relationship with someone. So you need to try harder than that I'm afraid.

Friendships change, and friendships fade, and you are no longer the fave lady in your 'male buddy's' life now ladies. Move on..........

As a few people have said, these single females who are so desperate to keep the friendship going with a 'male friend' of theirs MUST be doing something to incur the wrath of the new wives. There is a lot more to it than some are letting on.

I would also say that while I'm single now, I don't treat my friends any differently to how I did when I was married...

I don't get the need for all this emphasis on single and alone...