To be fed up of losing male friends?

[Enirroc]

I've always found that I got on really well with men. Even as a child I spent huge amounts of time playing with boys, I've got some awesome female friends, but I'm getting utterly fed up of losing male friends because their partners or other people around us assume that I can't control myself around them or vice versa.

Why can't people believe that men and women can honestly be just friends?

For those of you who say friends of the opposite sex should be friends with the couple. I have a close male friend I've known since uni. We have absolutely no sexual interest in each other, if anything was going to happen it would have done at uni. His wife was openly hostile to me due to our shared history and for a few years i didn't see my friend much as she didn't like him spending time with me. Friend eventually left his wife for .... her best friend!!

Ok, his wife was right to think that maybe he'd cheat, but her controlling behaviour contributed to the breakdown of the marriage; before they had children. And you can't, in my opinion, spend your whole life suspecting every woman is a potential other woman..

@g1itterati I'll be sure to tell all of my married male close friends that I can no longer be their good friend. Because some crank on the internet says I look like a loon.

Hey guys! I've just spotted a real life insecure gf 😂

Are all these men grown ups? If so you have a friend problem, not a friends gf/wife problem

I find this problem a lot too, and I am a gay woman, so makes it even more ludicrous that my friends partners think I have an ulterior motive.

Sure, it happens that men and women who are friends can end up together, but if you can't trust your partner then surely thats a bigger problem in your relationship!

I agree OP, I used to have a lot of male friends in my 20s and now in my 40s I have nearly exclusively female friends. Other female friends have noticed this, we call it the 'unspoken purdah".

If I'm friends with a couple it would be fine to see them both together, or to see the female friend on my own, but it would just look odd to see the male friend on my own. There'd be nothing untoward about it, I just feel social etiquette dictates this.

As my friends and I have become older and more and more of them are in relationships, I've definitely noticed a parting of the ways. It's a shame, I miss men's company!

Why are you so sure it's the partners who are stopping these friendships. Maybe they're just moving on with life and enjoying spending time in a relationship.
If they were really your friends then they wouldn't be letting a new gf dictate who they can spend time with.

Trinity - I just don't get the "male friend" thing though. Every time I've tried to convince myself a man could be "just a friend," it eventually became awkward. Without exception. If they had girlfriends, I would never be so obtuse to carry on as if it was fine to keep seeing them alone, etc. Why would I need to do that or think I was so important?

Every male "close friendship" I ever had either ended in a relationship or a disaster. So yes, girlfriends would be fully entitled to be aggravated where I'm concerned. I would not blame them at all. But it wouldn't get to that situation because I would back off.

Since I've been married, I wouldn't dream of going out with some other bloke as "friends" - it just wouldn't occur to me and it's not a dynamic I need in my life.

DP and I both have friends of the opposite gender, we've introduced each other to our social groups and filled each other in on any relevant history. The girls are all lovely and have welcomed me and if I think I'm being irrational about them, I remind myself they knew him single and didn't go there. Anyone could split your relationship.

@parkermoppy it really does seem that way to me...

@blueyacht I'm in my 30's, so you may be onto something there.

@sourgrapes28 they have said so.

Both the most recent two are people who were already in relationships, I've got to know them well through a mutual interest but then the partners assume there must be more to it when there isn't. The last before that was the friend who hasn't been in a relationship for many years, but acquaintances made awful accusations about us anyway.

I don't behave with them any differently than I do female friends and their partners don't seem to think that I'm trying to turn their girlfriends...

Surely if you can't trust your partner to be friends with other people without going too far, is your partner you have an issue with and not the friend?

I have discovered that my friends now (40) are almost exclusively female whereas in my twenties, it was the other way round. I believe this is a natural part of aging. Kids make a big difference. I mourn the lack of male friendship. Now I struggle to initiate and continue chats with DH's friends. I don't really know why. Just diverged too much perhaps. Or perhaps in my 20s I was in a university environment whereas now I meet much more diverse people and who are maybe more traditional?

You're clearly better off without them op. That's a pretty shitty thing to do to a friend. I could never imagine telling oh he couldn't be friends with someone of the opposite sex. I mean it would never happened as he's a antisocial bugger but still . Try not to let it keep you down, you're obviously fantastic that they feel threatened ( not trying to sound like a bitch or that but what other reasons can there be? )

Fly - yes I think age may well have something to do with it. I'm the same age as you and all the men I know now are someone else's husbands (usually friends) so we socialise in couples mainly.

But even when I was at uni, I was always super wary about becoming too close to men in case they misinterpreted it as giving off the wrong signals. Basically it was too complicated to be worth the hassle. With girlfriends there is no such dynamic to factor in so it feels safer.

As pp's have said, I think your issue should be with your male friends not the gf's. What sort of friendship was it if they can drop you so easily?

As I said, the two recent ones I was the new one rather than their partner. And as the friendships developed through a mutual interest it's near impossible to avoid them.

A few of the male friends I have lost have been down to themselves and their loyalty to their new partner, especially when I was single so couldn’t couple up. I do not think their girlfriends put any pressure on, they felt it wrong to see me alone.

@g1itterati

OP, I think you just have to accept that once they're in different kind of relationship, as in in love with someone, that's a far deeper connection and it will take precedence.

Life changes, priorities and people change and if you try and cling on to "friendships" with married men as if nothing has changed, you will look a bit desperate and a loon. Sorry to be harsh, but this is reality in most cases.

I wholeheartedly agree. And I think if you're a single women who wants to stay close friends with a male friend, (and socialise with him ALONE,) when he has found another woman he is physically attracted to, and deeply in love with, and got married to, then you DO come across as rather desperate.

He has found someone he likes more than you now. Do the decent thing and move on. Say 'hi' when you see him, and mix socially with him and others - including his wife - but if you need to socialise with him ALONE, (when he is married,) and you feel you are ENTITLED to, then that is a special kind of weird and desperate.

And as I said earlier, it's a bit odd when these 'single females' want to stay bezzies with their male friend (after he has got married,) and they don't want to KNOW his new wife.

As g1illterati said, you gotta be some special kind of dumb to think the friendship will stay the same, when your 'male friend' meets a woman he likes more than you, and gets married to her.

How do you know what the girlfriends/partners are thinking? Are they telling you directly, or are your male friends telling you?

My best friend is male. I've known him for nearly 18 years. Not once have we been sexually attracted to each other.

We've shared a house, shared hotel rooms, I'm godmother to his children and I was best 'man' at his wedding. He looked after me during periods of mental illness - he put me in the bath and washed my hair when I was almost immobile with depression.

People often say 'you should get together', but I can say, hand on heart, that there's nothing like that between us. We have a rock solid bond, built over many years.

I've never lost any male friends. In fact, I have plenty of them. And I'm friends with their partners too. Is it possible you are making them uncomfortable, sending the wrong messages, or they just don't like you very much?

Agree with mindutopia - I don't see why you can't be friends with their partners as well

I don't blame the gf/ wives here. I do find men are more prone to easy relationships. They will go for drinks with however is around. They are just not as good at keeping in touch when things get busy with male or female friends. Many many men move away from their friends if any effort is required at all.

Since it's happening with ALL your male friends I'm wondering if it's something g you are doing but are not aware you are doing?...maybe you feel you are coming across as bubbly or friendly but on their side it could be perceived as flirty?

Have you ever asked any of them why they have pulled away?(you could send an email saying you respect their decision to back away from the friendship but in the interest of your future friendships you would like to know what you did wrong so you don't repeat the same mistake, then that may get you the answers of what is happening and why it keeps happening to each male friendship)

Also when you socialise with these men are you socialising just you and them because they are bound to feel awkward if their girlfriends are going to grill them when they come home, so maybe it would be best to see them as a group rather than one on one, because if they are in a relationship and their girlfriend feels you are a threat to their relationship (even if you actually aren't) then the man will do what he can to reassure her even if it means dropping you as a friend

DH has had a really close friend since school and their in their 50s now. She's single (which my friends keep reminding me of) and they spend quite a lot of time together I suppose. I don't mind, she's nice and they share the same hobby. I am 100% certain they're just friends and have never doubted that. Some people like to look for issues where there are none.

If they’re not your friend anymore because of gossip or what other people think I would assume that they were never proper friends to begin with.

As for “jealous” wives/girlfriends women I think it’s fair to blame it all on them. My ex’s female friends fell into 2 camps: the ones who made an effort to actually talk to me when I was there and the ones who ignored me. His behaviour concerning them also made a difference. Hiding messages, lying about where he’d been that sort of thing. Not the Women’s fault at all. But you can see why this would raise the hackles.

My current partner has as many female friends as male friends and I’ve not taken a dislike to any of them at all. Because none of the ones I’ve met are pricks.

@petbear I do wish people would read what I've actually written...

@TheStoic it's been a combination of the two

@Lethaldrizzle with both the most recent two I've really tried to do that and dearly would've loved to get to know them in that way but the partners haven't allowed it.