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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL Acting childish?

75 replies

notwonderwoman · 02/02/2018 10:48

NC for this.

MIL comes to visit us every couple of months normally with her partner. She won't stay at our house and prefers the nice hotel nearby.

MIL very sensitive to everything and DP is her only child.

Since I have known my partner she has always booked the dates at the hotel and then told us when she is coming to visit. This has caused a few issues with us as sometimes the dates have clashed with other arrangements.
I have very gently told MIL a couple of times now that it would be ideal if she could run past the dates with us before she books them so we can check our calendar.
She didn't like this suggestion and chose to ignore it.

Fast forward to Christmas and she decided to book a date to come in January. It clashed with a concert we were going to so she re booked and was due to come today.
However, around 3/4 weeks ago she sent us both an email saying she had booked numerous dates to come in 2018. Once again without checking with us. One of the dates was Good friday (we had plans to go away for easter) another was my birthday (she didn't know it was my birthday, she had forgotten)and another date we are at a wedding.
I asked DP to politely email her back to say the dates weren't suitable and please could she discuss dates with us in advance in future as per my previous conversations with her.

She hasn't spoken to me since.

She then decided to cancel all the hotel dates but we assumed February was still going ahead as we said we were definitely free.

I asked DP to check today what time she was arriving and she replied saying 'I cancelled them all didn't I'

I feel like throwing my head against a brick wall. We speicifally told her Feb was fine, but the other dates clashed for us.

This is not the first time she has done this and often takes huge offence/makes a big point at pretty minor things that could easily be resolved.

I have to be very careful what I say as she is highly, highly sensitive but as I say she obviously blames me for stopping her seeing her son (!)

AIBU to think she is being the childish one here? Or could I do something differently?
She and my DP have an extremely close relationship.

OP posts:

Zerosugaroption · 02/02/2018 10:51

She’s like an oversized toddler and needs to be treated as such. YANBU

Aridane · 02/02/2018 10:53

I guess she just felt you weren't being welcoming and didn't want her to visit. Have your DP turn her away for inconvenient dates / reinforce the desirability for preagreeing dates

Birdsgottafly · 02/02/2018 10:54

Leave him to deal with her.

If you've booked something together then he needs to start taking note and being the one to tell her.

If she ends up not seeing her Son, then it's on her head, unless she has a diagnosed condition.

What is his reaction to all this?

Laserbird16 · 02/02/2018 10:54

Oh well. Her problem really and no skin off your nose.she can have a paddy if she wants but if you're not home, you're not home!

TuckMyWin · 02/02/2018 10:55

I really don't see how this is anything to do with you. If she's that close to your dp then I would expect her to deal with him regarding dates to visit, and for him to check the calendar and tell her whether they were suitable or not. You really shouldn't need to get involved.

QuiteLikely5 · 02/02/2018 10:55

I would make peace. In future send the dates that you are going away in advance.

From her perspective she might think you are being difficult

Do you have children

Catstar123 · 02/02/2018 10:55

You did nothing wrong. It’s not like you said she couldn’t come - just could she check dates. My inlaws use to do exactly the same. We had to do similar to what you said. They threw a tantrum as well.

My advice, do nothing (and that goes for your DH as well). She’s expecting to guilt you into coming back saying, “we are so sorry stay whenever you want”. She obviously wants to see her DS so she’ll have to grow up sooner or later!

Paperthin · 02/02/2018 10:56

Leave for your DP to deal with her - this is where he needs to step up. Why isn’t she talking to you ? Why is she blaming you? Ask him these questions and tell him to sort it with her. If he won’t you may also have a DP problem !

Trinity66 · 02/02/2018 10:57

How childish of her :/ But yeah stay well out, let your DP deal with her, you'll only end up the big bad wolf otherwise

InaConfusedState · 02/02/2018 10:57

Well- you’re the one talking to her about dates and asking your DP to message her, so she will think it’s your fault.

You have a DP problem. Let him sort dates with his mum. If he can’t be bothered and dates clash, so be it. You carry on doing what you were doing and leave them to entertain themselves.

He could be much more proactive about this - he could tell MIL he loves her coming down and give her a list of dates when he’s free so she can work around them. He could make her feel wanted.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 02/02/2018 10:58

Leave her to her tantrum. Not your loss if she doesn't visit. Leave he to dh to deal with . Maybe he can visit them at the hotel?!

RadioGaGoo · 02/02/2018 10:59

Of course it has something to do with the OP! It's her house and time too.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 02/02/2018 10:59

XH did something similar, told SS I was stopping him seeing the DC when he'd tried to come when we were away. I told them the truth.

anothernetter · 02/02/2018 11:04

As someone else has already said leave her to her tantrum. She's acting like a child.

Piffle11 · 02/02/2018 11:07

Sounds like she likes playing the martyr. Let her get on with it. If she wants to behave like a spoiled kid then let her. She seems to be blaming you for this and naturally her DS has got nothing to do with it. If they are close then your DP should be able to talk to her about it - let him get on with it and keep out. If she starts booking inconvenient breaks again then let DP sort it out. It must be exhausting, booking travel arrangements and then having to cancel and rebook ... she's either got too much time on her hands or she likes to deliberately cause tension - perhaps so she can play the victim. My DM loves the chance to play the martyr and has done since I was very young: it's distressing for a child but now I see what she's doing and it just makes me angry and dig my heels in.

TuckMyWin · 02/02/2018 11:08

Radio, yes, of course it is. But the OP has a dp who is a grown adult who is capable of talking to his own mother and scheduling dates to visit that don't conflict with existing plans. He can talk to the OP and make sure she's happy with the dates. There is no need for the OP to be involved in the process and therefore demonised when the MIL doesn't get her way.

Greensleeves · 02/02/2018 11:10

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

sarahjconnor · 02/02/2018 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mustbemad17 · 02/02/2018 11:18

I wouldn't have said anything tbh. But i'm a bitch. I'd have still done whatever it was I had planned to do even if MiL rocked up. Then just played the 'oh i didn't realise that you were coming today, sorry' card with a big, breezy smile.

Pearlsaringer · 02/02/2018 11:21

Any chancer her partner is more sensible? Could they be persuaded your suggestion is reasonable and talk her down?

Pearlsaringer · 02/02/2018 11:22

Chance not chancer!

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 02/02/2018 11:22

Nope you’ve done nothing wrong. I have family and friends who live a distance away. If I plan to visit I check if they’re available and want to first before I book anything.

Possibly she assumes you will cancel your plans because she is visiting you. Which obviously ain’t going to happen.

Oato · 02/02/2018 11:27

Yes, that is childish behaviour - how draining.

Just announcing when she is going to arrive without checking first is plain odd - even if your DH was single this is odd and displays a complete disregard for other people's boundaries/needs/feelings/life...

I've got a childish MIL too (DH is well aware of this and goes one step further and calls it plain manipulative). It's shit.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 02/02/2018 11:37

You are telling Mil what dates are convenient for YOU...but what about what dates are convenient for her (she has a life too and has to fit visiting your family into her her other routines and plans)

It sounds like you want it all YOUR way, Mil is making an effort, she wants to visit, she wants to see her family.

Why not clear the air with her, and get your calendar in front of you, her calendar in front of her and work out what dates are convenient for both of you, a relationship has to have some give and take and compromise, it can't always be YOUR way, if you fall out with your mil over this and she distances herself from the family then eventually your husband will resent you because that is his mother

ToadsforJustice · 02/02/2018 11:39

It’s incredibly rude and entitled to book dates for a visit without checking availability first, no matter who you are.

Let your MIL be childish. She sounds like hard work and she also appears to be looking for an excuse to be a martyr.

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