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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL Acting childish?

75 replies

notwonderwoman · 02/02/2018 10:48

NC for this.

MIL comes to visit us every couple of months normally with her partner. She won't stay at our house and prefers the nice hotel nearby.

MIL very sensitive to everything and DP is her only child.

Since I have known my partner she has always booked the dates at the hotel and then told us when she is coming to visit. This has caused a few issues with us as sometimes the dates have clashed with other arrangements.
I have very gently told MIL a couple of times now that it would be ideal if she could run past the dates with us before she books them so we can check our calendar.
She didn't like this suggestion and chose to ignore it.

Fast forward to Christmas and she decided to book a date to come in January. It clashed with a concert we were going to so she re booked and was due to come today.
However, around 3/4 weeks ago she sent us both an email saying she had booked numerous dates to come in 2018. Once again without checking with us. One of the dates was Good friday (we had plans to go away for easter) another was my birthday (she didn't know it was my birthday, she had forgotten)and another date we are at a wedding.
I asked DP to politely email her back to say the dates weren't suitable and please could she discuss dates with us in advance in future as per my previous conversations with her.

She hasn't spoken to me since.

She then decided to cancel all the hotel dates but we assumed February was still going ahead as we said we were definitely free.

I asked DP to check today what time she was arriving and she replied saying 'I cancelled them all didn't I'

I feel like throwing my head against a brick wall. We speicifally told her Feb was fine, but the other dates clashed for us.

This is not the first time she has done this and often takes huge offence/makes a big point at pretty minor things that could easily be resolved.

I have to be very careful what I say as she is highly, highly sensitive but as I say she obviously blames me for stopping her seeing her son (!)

AIBU to think she is being the childish one here? Or could I do something differently?
She and my DP have an extremely close relationship.

OP posts:

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 02/02/2018 16:02

This is exactly why I don’t get involved with arrangements with my PILs. If your DP can’t be bothered to let her know you are all away then it’s his lookout when she turns up and noone is there.

Mirrormirrorotw · 02/02/2018 16:06

Assume the air of a grey rock. Thank your lucky stars she’s backed herself into a corner. Carry on with your plans.

Notonthestairs · 02/02/2018 16:46

For those people suggesting the Op says when she's busy do you mean for that month? Or for the whole year? Because the MIL had booked a dates for the whole of 2018. I wouldn't necessarily want to be pinned down in February to a date in November (unless it was for a wedding or big birthday).

Davespecifico · 02/02/2018 16:59

You will never be able to reason with this person. She’s doesn’t do reason, she’s manipulative and selfish.
There isn’t a happy resolution to this. Whichever way you choose to go, she’ll aim for the upper hand.

It’s not easy for you to just leave DH to the arrangements cos you know, you’ll then be accused of giving her the silent treatment when it’s actually her doing so.
On balance tho’ I’d say don’t get sucked into the drama. Enjoy the cancelled dates and fingers crossed she’ll prolong the sulk so you get a few months breather.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2018 17:10

I have to be very careful what I say as she is highly, highly sensitive

No, she is highly, highly self-centered.

And as she has been allowed to get away with it, she will continue.

blueberrymuffs · 02/02/2018 17:24

Bollocks to that!

5 year olds are more reasonable than that.

I'd leave her to it. If/when she wants to grow up and respect your lives, then I'd welcome her with open arms. Until then... nee chance!

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 02/02/2018 17:43

What is it with the expectation of some MILs that the DIL is responsible for arranging visits? My MIL does this and it drives me nuts. I repeatedly tell her to speak to my DP because, you know, he's her son. But she still comes to me and then when arrangements fall through or can't go ahead on the day she wants, it's my fault. So no, OP, you are definitely NBU. Let her stew.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/02/2018 17:49

Yabu.

ny20005 · 02/02/2018 18:05

My mil was like this & unfortunately the rest of the family 'enable' the behaviour as don't say anything for a quiet life. This just allows the nutty behaviour to continue.

I went nc with her for over a year & she's been much better lately. You have to put your foot down & establish ground rules before a wedding or kids

If we made a joint decision about something, my mil automatically assumed it was me twisting his arm. I don't care if I'm the bad guy but she only ended up making life much more difficult for herself than it needed to be

Catmc123 · 02/02/2018 18:11

She really should have talked to u first before taking liberties and booking the hotel, if she had of had a discussion with u both about what suits everyone, her and u both included, this issue would never have occurred. I would reinforce this point.

Passmethecakeplease · 02/02/2018 18:30

Let her stew (at a distance). You explained why dates needed to be run by you, she ignored that and proved your point in the process.

If she does it again and you can't accommodate then so be it.

ohfourfoxache · 02/02/2018 18:32

Personally I’d step away completely. Let your DH deal with it, it’s not worth the hassle of trying to get a date out of her.

If you’re free, great. If not she’ll have to either rearrange or visit and do something other than see you.

As for ensuring that she sees dh and keeping her happy - it’s not your responsibility.

YouTheCat · 02/02/2018 18:41

Let her book. Let your dh deal with her completely. If you aren't there when she arrives a few times maybe she'll get the message.

TheDayIBroke · 02/02/2018 19:21

YANBU.

Your MIL wants to visit and you have asked her, nicely, on more than one occasion, to please see if the dates she wants to visit are convenient and free for you. I can see nothing wrong at all in your handling of this.

She sounds utterly self-centred and a tad disrespectful of you. Let her sulk - perhaps the message has got through to check the dates beforehand.

Thistlebelle · 02/02/2018 19:59

Adults who behave like toddlers get treated like toddlers.

Tantrums should never ever be rewarded.

She’s biting off her nose to spite her face. She cancelled her dates? Fine.

She can do as she would do to any other adult and check dates first in future.

Your request was in no way unreasonable- she’s throwing her toys out of the pram to manipulate you into cancelling your plans.

Don’t do it.

The power is in your hands here.

Be polite, be calm but stick to your guns.

lurkingnotlurking · 02/02/2018 20:10

I'd let your partner make all the communication in future so she can't put it back onto you

ToriaPumpkin · 02/02/2018 20:35

Sounds like my MIL.

I am going to do X, Y, Z.

OK, well that's great. But we're doing A, B, C and booked it prior to you telling us this.

Well you're just being difficult and awkward and I'm going to blame you to anyone who will listen.

She also likes to insist she'd like to look after our children, then complain that she "HAS" to look after them. Or tell DH that he spends too much time away/pursuing his hobbies and then sulk when he's around and she's not "needed".

We ended up not asking her for help or seeing her for a couple of months due to her refusing to back down from her strop. She's much more reasonable now!

LizardMonitor · 02/02/2018 20:43

Tell your DH to take control by specifically inviting her for certain dates that do suit you.

Graphista · 02/02/2018 21:18

She's not stupid because she's setting op up to fail. Probably hoping dp will blame op too (are you sure he's not agreeing with her when you're not around to hear?).

You need to STOP tiptoeing around her. Stop placating her - and I include dp in that too. He's been trained to placate her cos he's had decades of it but enough is enough. And as pp have said you DEFINITELY need to sort this before a wedding or DC because it'll get much worse.

What you're dealing with is a narcissist. Pop over to stately homes thread and outofthefog site, also read toxic in laws by Susan forward.

Utterly ridiculous to book dates for the entire YEAR I don't know what I'm doing in March! Wedding invites, concerts etc are often with only 6-8 weeks notice. Geez what if you spontaneously wanted a romantic weekend away? No! She's trying to insert herself into your relationship and boundaries need to be drawn.

You definitely have a dp problem too those saying "step back and let dp deal" have missed where op has said dp DOESN'T deal with it, he'll acquiesce for a quiet life. HE needs to understand why this isn't acceptable behaviour from mil AND that he can't just stick his head in the sand.

My now ex in laws were ok but my parents especially my dad could be like this. I've seen it cause major issues in my siblings relationships. My ex thought at first I was too hard on them as he'd not experienced people like this - that opinion didn't last long. He soon understood why I was quite blunt with them, anything other than a very clear NO just doesn't register. I swear my dad is jealous of the sun cos the earth revolves around it and not him!

eurochick · 02/02/2018 21:24

She's doing it for attention. Stop giving it to her.

Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo · 02/02/2018 21:25

The day after a visit to or from my mother I will receive a tearful phone call asking to arrange the next visit.

These visits involve an overseas trip and always take two weekends out to either drive there or drive to collect and bring my DM back. It is exhausting. I am not retired and can't plan my entire life around one extended jolly after the next. I have children, a relentless daily routine to get stuff done, all the house admin and a lot of the housework. I would like a life of my own with a bit of down time.

It fucks me off having to continually plan out my entire year (yes, she asked about Xmas already) around other people.

The OP is totally right to want a heads up to check her diary and to be okay with the timing of a visit. It is her life too.

laura65988 · 08/02/2018 11:15

Can't she come on the dates and u do ure things and she could do something else that day anything for a quite life u pick ure battles x

Somerford · 08/02/2018 11:47

How strange. If you're booking and paying for a hotel, you don't do that without checking the other arrangements first. Once you've made plans you book everything and pay for it. It's bizarre to make booking the hotel the first part of arranging a visit. Really odd.

Let her sulk about it, OP. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone to check that you are available before making plans to visit. You can't be expected to drop everything and cancel other plans because she has decided that the time is right.

Eggzandbacon · 08/02/2018 12:00

My PIL used to decide when they would visit and not run it past us.
They were retired so were flexible but they became obsessed they had to come at certain weekends.

It came to a head when they were packing their car to visit and BIL was there and rang us about something. We had no notice they were coming BUT they had visited that weekend previously 2 years before so it was 'their weekend' and 'we should have known'. So they didn't need to discuss it with us??!?

We were also packing to leave for a wedding on other side of the country. They could have quite easily turned up and we weren't there (6 hours drive for them).

However it seemed we were in the wrong still and they hardly ever visited again.

I vow I am never going to be like this when I am older.

People lead busy lives - not recognising that is ridiculous. We often have plans months ahead as it's the way tickets are sold now. It's not like it was 30 years ago. People go out more and go away more and have more commitments, not to check is foolish.

KimmySchmidt1 · 08/02/2018 12:07

Who cares? She is being daft - let DP find his gonads and deal with his own mother. It’s not your problem. Have him do all the arrangements and contact. She is his mother, he brought her into your relationship, he should be managing her.

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