Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

MIL Acting childish?

75 replies

notwonderwoman · 02/02/2018 10:48

NC for this.

MIL comes to visit us every couple of months normally with her partner. She won't stay at our house and prefers the nice hotel nearby.

MIL very sensitive to everything and DP is her only child.

Since I have known my partner she has always booked the dates at the hotel and then told us when she is coming to visit. This has caused a few issues with us as sometimes the dates have clashed with other arrangements.
I have very gently told MIL a couple of times now that it would be ideal if she could run past the dates with us before she books them so we can check our calendar.
She didn't like this suggestion and chose to ignore it.

Fast forward to Christmas and she decided to book a date to come in January. It clashed with a concert we were going to so she re booked and was due to come today.
However, around 3/4 weeks ago she sent us both an email saying she had booked numerous dates to come in 2018. Once again without checking with us. One of the dates was Good friday (we had plans to go away for easter) another was my birthday (she didn't know it was my birthday, she had forgotten)and another date we are at a wedding.
I asked DP to politely email her back to say the dates weren't suitable and please could she discuss dates with us in advance in future as per my previous conversations with her.

She hasn't spoken to me since.

She then decided to cancel all the hotel dates but we assumed February was still going ahead as we said we were definitely free.

I asked DP to check today what time she was arriving and she replied saying 'I cancelled them all didn't I'

I feel like throwing my head against a brick wall. We speicifally told her Feb was fine, but the other dates clashed for us.

This is not the first time she has done this and often takes huge offence/makes a big point at pretty minor things that could easily be resolved.

I have to be very careful what I say as she is highly, highly sensitive but as I say she obviously blames me for stopping her seeing her son (!)

AIBU to think she is being the childish one here? Or could I do something differently?
She and my DP have an extremely close relationship.

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/02/2018 11:39

Leave her to it, when she has calmed down why not offer a few dates for her to see if she is free?

Amie021 · 02/02/2018 11:46

I agree with you. Leave him to deal with it. If she want to throw her toys out of the pram it is up to her - silly woman.

MichaelBendfaster · 02/02/2018 11:56

I have to be very careful what I say

No you don't.

Leave your DP to deal with her.

theEagleIsLost · 02/02/2018 12:05

Just after we married DH once had a long conversation with FIL - as they were trying to come the one weekend we had none refundable flights booked. In end he said fine come but we won't be here.

I've followed his lead and it’s an approach we have over the years taken for us and the children's things. We let them know we are busy - if they can come along we try and sort that and we've ignored any sulks that we wouldn't cancel our stuff and point out they were warned before they came.

These days it usually leads to a conversation and mutually convenient dates.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/02/2018 12:06

She's an idiot who thinks the world should revolve around her.
You've had a lucky escape this weekend.

Elderflower This is not normal behaviour, adults call each other and discuss when both are free. OP is not refusing to see the silly cow, just not when they are away at a wedding or out for the day. What should she do? Cancel?

Original poster

notwonderwoman · 02/02/2018 12:08

Speaking with DP on messenger on my break and he's so bloody laid back about it. "Oh it'll be fine".
I feel like I know her better than he does at times. She'll be sticking pins in a voodoo doll right now.
DP can't be bothered to sort it out because he says she'll take offence again and he just wants a quiet life.

OP posts:

FluffyWuffy100 · 02/02/2018 12:11

“Oh ok, that a shame we were looking forward to seeing you in Feb. If you’re thinking of re booking any more dates we are around . Let us know if any of these worn for you. Love, your son.”

pimlicolife · 02/02/2018 12:11

I'd do nothing. You've done nothing wrong. She's being manipulative and childish. She should apologise and amend her behaviour in future.

I have to suffer this type of behaviour from my inlaws too. I ignore it. I never reward bad behaviour from children or adults!!!

theEagleIsLost · 02/02/2018 12:12

I'd follow your DP lead.

I thought DH way was rude and hated the sulking when we refused to do as they wanted and I think it bothered me more but he had years more experince of them than I did and his way worked.

Kittypillar · 02/02/2018 12:13

This really should be your DH leading the charge on this one. His DM is behaving like an absolute child, it's just common sense to have a discussion with you both before booking a hotel when it's for the purpose of visiting you, surely?!

Tell him he needs to sort this out. It might not be a nice conversation but it's one he can't avoid forever because it will just keep coming up. He just needs to be firm with her. She'll get over it (eventually)...

MichaelBendfaster · 02/02/2018 12:16

What does he mean by Oh it'll be fine"? Nothing is due to happen, is it? She's not due to visit now that she's cancelled all her bookings?

And she's not talking to you.

Which all sounds like heaven to me.

Aspergallus · 02/02/2018 12:25

Don't walk on eggshells around her. Treat her like the adult she is. Don't pander to her.

"I cancelled them all didn't I" -"oh well, if that was the most convenient thing for you..."

Just take her passive aggressive bullshit at face value, and don't engage with it. She'll have to learn to communicate more directly and maturely with you.

But otherwise just leave this stuff to her son. And if he lets her come up while you are away/busy, leave the fall out to him too. It's between them.

pallisers · 02/02/2018 12:28

You really can't turn her into the kind of person who is reasonable. Her son knows this which is why he isn't bothering having a discussion with her in which she will be unreasonable and nothing will change.

She didn't want to check with you about times to visit. Seems to think her son should cancel his plans/life to accommodate her although she won't do the simple thing of texting to say "thinking of x date- does that work?". And now she is having a tantrum. let her off. let her stick the pins in the doll if she wants. Ignore and continue being polite, make contact as usual.

She'll get over it eventually and will be back to torment you some more

BarbarianMum · 02/02/2018 12:29

Agree, follow your husband's lead. She's thrown all her toys out of the pram. If that gets no attention she'll just have to calm down and pick them up. And yy to refusing to constantly change dates for visitors who won't check first - who does this?

SilverySurfer · 02/02/2018 13:33

Honestly, don't pander to people like this. If she got in a paddy and cancelled all the bookings then that's up to her. It's hardly rocket science that you need to check with people you are visiting to ensure their availability before making arrangements. I also disagree with a PP who said you should be contacting her with your availability - that's up to her.

As she has cancelled the hotel bookings maybe you won't see her for a few months while she sulks - sounds like a win/win to me

Getoutofthatgarden · 02/02/2018 13:40

I really don't see how this is anything to do with you

I'll never understand this mindset. Yeah it's nothing to do with you when someone is coming to stay in your house or when.

Getoutofthatgarden · 02/02/2018 13:45

You are telling Mil what dates are convenient for YOU...but what about what dates are convenient for her (she has a life too and has to fit visiting your family into her her other routines and plans)

It sounds like you want it all YOUR way, Mil is making an effort, she wants to visit, she wants to see her family

Nonsense. So should the OP just cancel all her plans for the foreseeable future in case it is inconvenient for MIL? It sounds the opposite to me. MIL is not making an effort, she threw a tantrum and cancelled all hotel bookings instead of speaking with OP and arranging what suits both of them.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/02/2018 13:57

The one thing I would say is - get this sorted to your satisfaction before you a. get married and especially b. have babies.

There are lots of ways of doing that, many suggested upthread. You could be super PA back until she gets the message that you won't be manipulated. You could kick up a fuss with your DP and say you don't like the fact that he gets to be laid back and you get to be blamed and given the cold shoulder as a result, so he needs to say something. You could decide to take offence yourself and get the whole thing over quicker, have the stand-up row now (that would give her the shock of her life ) Lots of things.

However - this is not great:
DP can't be bothered to sort it out because he says she'll take offence again and he just wants a quiet life.

What you should not do is muddle along until you have a baby or a wedding or something else that will be a total flashpoint that will very directly affect you, THEN have your DP turn to you and ask you to put up with interference/tantrumming/guilting 'because he just wants a quiet life'

So say something about that now. Even if you just lay a very heavy hint that it's not really fair to let things muddle along like this as 'Imagine for example if we had a baby and she tried this nonsense, it simply wouldn't be workable and it would be awful to fall out permanently'. Let him know that you have boundaries, and he can either coast until she reaches them and then it's D-Day, or he could pull his finger out and manage this better so that she gets fair warning that she can't act the toddler and get away with it.

SilverySurfer · 02/02/2018 14:07

It sounds like you want it all YOUR way, Mil is making an effort, she wants to visit, she wants to see her family

I totally disagree - utter nonsense - I see the MiL apologists have arrived

Start as you mean to go on OP, it will escalate if you don't.

TiredMumToTwo · 02/02/2018 14:13

I’d take it as a win - nice quiet weekend for you & let laid back DH deal with it in future.

Firgoodnesssake · 02/02/2018 14:14

Take a back seat OP and let ur partner deal directly with her

Original poster

notwonderwoman · 02/02/2018 15:35

Thank you so much for all the helpful replies.
I am going to speak with DP when he gets in and tell him I do not want be seen as the big bad wolf in all this. He tells me that his way of dealing with his DM is to just 'Nod, Smile and Ignore' if it is something he disagrees with. This way, he says, she thinks she is getting her own way (bad) but ultimately she isn't (also bad as it becomes repetitive)

I simply wanted her to tell us what dates she was thinking of visiting before she booked the hotel so we could check our diaries. It looks worse when she books, then we tell her we are busy, because she will perceive -me- us being awkward.

The reason I am the villain to her is because I dared to suggest she check with us first when she is used to DP rolling over and saying yes, and then letting her know later that he isn't free after he's checked his diary. But he's never the bad guy.

As much as I find her difficult and -extremely- hard work, I also want her to visit as I know seeing him makes her happy and a happy MIL makes life easier I guess.

OP posts:

MichaelBendfaster · 02/02/2018 15:47

It looks worse when she books, then we tell her we are busy, because she will perceive -me- us being awkward.

You have to make yourself not care about this. Why should you care if a childish and unreasonable person thinks you're 'being awkward'?

Normal people do not book tickets or rooms or make arrangements without having checked the person they're visiting is free. It's that simple.

usernameunavailable · 02/02/2018 15:50

She sounds like a twat. I'd loose my head with her. I think it's rude to just presume you would be free for her to come. She sounds stupid as she continues to book hotels when you've told her to run it by you first. I'm so glad I get along with my MIL!!!

Sweetpea55 · 02/02/2018 15:56

Why don't you tell her what dates your are busy and ask her to chose times around them

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread