Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to be upset about my bridesmaids

67 replies

rabbithug12 · 01/02/2018 14:21

When I got married, I had my closest friends as bridesmaids. All have been married or are getting married soon and none have asked me to be a bridesmaid. I know it's their choice how many/who they have but it's really upset me. I can't see any reason apart from they just don't think as much of me as I do them.

Now that I'm typing this, I feel it sounds petty but it has really upset me and greatly affected my friendships with them. I just wondered if this had happened to anyone else.

OP posts:

Hellywelly10 · 01/02/2018 14:24

Did they chose other people to be bridesmaids at their weddings?

Thistlebelle · 01/02/2018 14:28

I didn’t have my best friend as bridesmaid there were family members I had to ask first. My sister was the same.

If doesn’t mean either of us don’t love our best friends.

thecatsthecats · 01/02/2018 14:29

Not that way around exactly, but my friend had been another mutual friend's bridesmaid first, and when it came to her wedding, she picked her and two other girls. She knew that I would have her as a bridesmaid, as I considered her my best friend, and we'd talked about it.

I'm not entitled to be her bridesmaid, and I get that, but it still stung. At her hen do, she was seriously upset by one of the bridesmaids buggering off during the evening.

Now, I'm getting married, and after a bit of heartache, I have asked her to be a bridesmaid. It was, and still is a little tough, but I think that our friendship is so much bigger than one day.

(Oh and one piece of sensitivity is that when people find out who my BMs are, I feel like they're putting me when I tell them! Especially the people who were genuinely shocked that she didn't choose me in the first place)

Sorry, not much advice there, but I get how you feel!

Original poster

rabbithug12 · 01/02/2018 14:30

Yes they chose other people

OP posts:

RatRolyPoly · 01/02/2018 14:30

Did they have hundreds of bridesmaids each and just not you, or did they have their sister and their best friend only for example? Did you yourself have lots of bridesmaids?

I'm sorry you're upset - it sucks - but there's more to life than bridesmaids duties. Some people would rather be asked to godparent, some to be a child's guardian should something happen to the parents, some to be executor of a will. Who knows, perhaps you haven't even met your best friends yet. Chin up!

GetShitDone · 01/02/2018 14:32

Bridesmaids are traditionally unmarried.

bridgetreilly · 01/02/2018 14:32

Get over it. That's just how friendship is sometimes.

SwanVests · 01/02/2018 14:32

How many bridesmaids did you have? Did they have a similar number or less? I only had my sister as bridesmaid. My 2 best friends told me a few years later that they were really upset I hadn’t asked them. I felt awful but I’d had a really small wedding. Apart from family my 2 friends were the only other guests on my side and I thought it would look odd having more people I wedding party than there were guests.

taskmaster · 01/02/2018 14:33

I know it's their choice how many/who they have but it's really upset me. I can't see any reason apart from they just don't think as much of me as I do them.

This so needy and weird. It could be why they didn't pick you. Bridesmaids are there to help and support the bride, not be needy and judgemental.

headintheproverbial · 01/02/2018 14:35

I'm in the same boat sort of.

One had family members only and one is still single. The one which hurt me was my best friend from my current home town - she asked her oldest friend but I'd fully expected to be asked as well. I did have 5mo baby at the time of her wedding and when she called me she said - 'I was just going to have X but it's up to you if you want to do it as well'. The way she framed the question i just didn't think she wanted me so I just said it was fine. I did a reading instead.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/02/2018 14:40

Maybe they have chosen women who live near to them so can do more to help practically. Bridesmaids are supposed to help out with hen do and organising the wedding etc, and help on the day. Maybe they have chosen women who are more suited to this, more practical, good at organising etc.

Jaygee61 · 01/02/2018 14:46

I had my cousin as my only bridesmaid at my wedding, she did not even invite me to hers. My mother was invited but not me. I tho k perhaps because it was a smaller scale of wedding but it still hurt a bit. We haven't been close since.

UrsulaPandress · 01/02/2018 14:49

As someone else has said, bridesmaids are traditionally unmarried. If you are married you would be the Maid of Honour, and there is usually only one of those.

How do I know this shit?

HairBlues · 01/02/2018 14:50

It depends on whom else they've asked to be bridesmaids.

If sisters/cousins or family etc only, then I wouldn't mind.

If they have chosen one or two very old friends (like childhood friends, or friends of the family) then I wouldn't mind.

If they've picked each other, and you are the same status friendship wise but not you then I would be a bit

If you hang out together usually as a group and not one of them has asked you to be BM then yes I would feel that's a bit odd.

Do you live near? Do you see them often? Maybe your friendship is important but they have other friends who have become more relevant at this time in their lives for all sorts of reasons that you don't know.

I don't think I'd finish a friendship over it but I would be hurt definitely if it wasn't for reasons of family/old friends/location.

BewareOfDragons · 01/02/2018 14:51

Consider the job of bridesmaid as something that comes with a lot of strings and expenses and demands upon time. Perhaps be grateful that you won't be expected to be considerably out of pocket and have to take personal days at work for ridiculously long 'holidays'?

Honestly, I don't see the attraction.

My sister 'stood up' for me at my wedding. I pre-selected a number of lovely, summery dresses for her to try on since she was short of time, and told her I would buy any one she liked to wear, or if she preferred another one, to tell me. I bought her sandals to wear with them (beach wedding) and we skipped all the hoopla. She stood next to me during the ceremony. It was lovely. Nothing else was needed.

I did the same for another friend. She told me to wear something I was happy in, and was there for her. No other silliness.

Shmithecat · 01/02/2018 14:51

I can't believe that grown women a) have bridesmaids or b) want to be one. Assuming you're all legally married ie over 16, it's all a bit childish isn't it?

ProfessionalPirate · 01/02/2018 14:55

This so needy and weird. It could be why they didn't pick you. Bridesmaids are there to help and support the bride, not be needy and judgemental.

What rubbish, it's a perfectly natural and understandable thing to feel a bit hurt about. People generally pick their closest friends as bridesmaids, and it's come as a shock to the OP to discover that she isn't considered one of them.

OP, I had similar happen to me and one of my bridemaids (although in my case I must admit the friendship had cooled a little due to distance). It did sting, but I got over it, and never let on to the bride. It's all you can do really.

How long ago was your wedding? Do you feel like the friendships have changed at all over that time?

HairBlues · 01/02/2018 14:55

Ursula - usually you pick your closest friends, married or not. I wouldn't not have my best friend as BM because she's married. It's who you want by your side, on the photos (which last a lifetime), supporting you on the day, having your back for things like dress problems, catching your eye at the funny moments, hitting the dance floor at the reception... it definitely usually makes a statement to the rest of the wedding party that these people (BM) are special to you. Whether they be married, single, divorced. A bride and her BM do make a statement/spectacle.

(Here's where some poster says they only had one BM at their wedding party of 10 people and nobody would have known she was the BM because they don't believe in BM dresses so you don't always make a spectacle with your BM at a wedding... come on somebody, prove me right!)

ProfessionalPirate · 01/02/2018 14:57

I can't believe that grown women a) have bridesmaids or b) want to be one. Assuming you're all legally married ie over 16, it's all a bit childish isn't it?

Why wouldn't a grown woman have bridesmaids? Are they generally reserved for when children get married then? Oh wait...

Shmithecat · 01/02/2018 15:04

Nice try Pirate. Your deliberate miscontruing of my post only serves to prove my observation about the 'childish' stuff 👍

RatRolyPoly · 01/02/2018 15:08

If you are married you would be the Maid of Honour, and there is usually only one of those.

Not quite; my Maid of Honour (who is just "head bridesmaid") is married, which makes her my MATRON of Honour

ProfessionalPirate · 01/02/2018 15:12

How so cat? You can't understand why a grown woman would have a bridesmaid, and yet grown women are generally the only kind of women that get married, so where's the logic.

Out of interest, what do you find that is so childish about a bridesmaid? They perform a useful, sometimes even neccessary function. Why is that childish?

MrsSpenserGregson · 01/02/2018 15:12

In a similar vein -

My DH chose his long-term best mate (they'd been at school together since about age 10) as his best man. We had quite a big wedding and invited all our friends and family, so there were plenty of candidates to choose from, including DH's brother who was "only" chosen to be an usher.

When the best friend got married a few years later, he and his wife only invited their immediate families and one other couple to their wedding. That couple wasn't us. DH was devastated, and understandably so in my opinion. We weren't even told about the wedding until a few days beforehand and were told that it was family only. DH found out about the best man from a mutual friend. It was a real kick in the teeth to DH to realise that the friendship meant so more to him than it did to the other guy.

They are still good friends now, years and years later, but it caused a lot of hurt for a while afterwards and there is a slight sense of strain in the air when they are together, it's a real shame (I suspect the bride chose who was invited, and she knew the wife of their best man much better than she knew me, which would explain it somewhat).

So I would say - YANBU to be upset, but don't let the friendship totally slide just because of this one thing.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 01/02/2018 15:14

At least you have no responsibility for the hen night. ...

MeAndMyDog · 01/02/2018 15:19

I think that any time you realize that a friendship is more important to you than the other person, it stings a little.

Flip

1 2 3