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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about my bridesmaids

67 replies

rabbithug12 · 01/02/2018 14:21

When I got married, I had my closest friends as bridesmaids. All have been married or are getting married soon and none have asked me to be a bridesmaid. I know it's their choice how many/who they have but it's really upset me. I can't see any reason apart from they just don't think as much of me as I do them.

Now that I'm typing this, I feel it sounds petty but it has really upset me and greatly affected my friendships with them. I just wondered if this had happened to anyone else.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/02/2018 15:19

Think about the positive.
It's a friggin' pain in the arse being a bridesmaid.
REALLY it is.
Just smile and wave!!!

BubblesBuddy · 01/02/2018 15:22

Bridesmaids do so much these days. My DD was heartily sick of the demanding bride! Brides should find children. Any children will do. Then no arguments about friendships or who loves you most or loves you least.

mydogisabeauty · 01/02/2018 15:24

Of course it's normal to be a bit sad. You can't really say anything but be relieved you don't have to arrange a hen party in Bali.

TheOrigFV45 · 01/02/2018 15:24

I didn't get married conventionally, but if I had I would have chosen my sisters over the friends who has asked me to be their BMs. I think they would have understood and such is our friendship that I could have told them anyway.

mummmy2017 · 01/02/2018 15:24

Please don't be jealous , I am sure at your wedding someone may have felt left out, you just didn't realise.
Just start thinking of how fab it will be to be able to invite the couple over for meals, and to do things it's just a few mins of standing up next to the couple, and it may be they only wanted little ones, as attendants.

Just ask her if there is anything to do, that you can help with and tell her how excited you feel, at seeing her happy.

fluffyrobin · 01/02/2018 15:32

You must be really beautiful op!

They didn't ask you because they didn't want to be upstaged Grin

Lweji · 01/02/2018 15:35

It depends on who they invited. Friendships move on and maybe they have got closer friends now.

And... you'll be able to wear whatever you like. Grin

specialsubject · 01/02/2018 15:36

aren't bridesmaids there to confuse the devil as to which virgin to attack? You are married and therefore disqualified.

it does sound an awful frilly-fussy chore with a modern wedding, especially with some of the stories you see on here. Also in my experience if there's more than one bridesmaid, one is going to look ridiculous in the matching outfit.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/02/2018 15:36

There are so many reasons they could have picked others. Family, oldest friends, closer friends, friends that helped them through a particular tough time, fiancés family/friends.

Unless they are have loads of bridesmaid each, don’t take it to heart. As long as you still have a good friendship and you get what you need from it that’s the main thing in life. Don’t feel it needs to be rated.

Llyra · 01/02/2018 15:37

I can see why you feel like this and I don't think it's unreasonable. Try to remember that weddings are complicated and you don't always choose who you like the most. People may feel obligated to pick family or other friends based on reasons you know nothing about.

People have different friendships, as well. For example, I have a close friend that I care about a lot. But while she doesn't have many other close friends, I do. It would be difficult for me to distinguish her above some of my older friends. I also have more family that I'm close to. This doesn't mean that she's not important to me. It just means that I have other relationships that might make it harder to choose her for something like a bridesmaid.

At the end of the day, try to remember that you must mean something to them to be invited at all. I know that it's not what you wanted, but it's just one day. Try to evaluate your friendships as a whole. Do you feel it's fairly even otherwise? If it is, I'd do my best to shrug it off and have a good time at the wedding. At least you can choose a stunning dress to wear!

f83mx · 01/02/2018 15:44

Who did they pick - family or other friends?

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 · 01/02/2018 15:45

I'm really sorry OP. YANBU. I have been in the same position a few times and it really really hurts. As others have said, you tend to pick your "best friends" (i.e. not just the reliable people who you know will get sh*t done, but the people you want to have fun with along the way...trying on dresses, hen parties, getting ready together in the morning). It really hurts when someone doesn't view you in that way Flowers.

SilverySurfer · 01/02/2018 15:48

There could be a number of reasons why you weren't asked ie family obligations - sisters/cousins/nieces/SILs or maybe she asked someone she currently considers to be a closer friend. Nor is it set in stone that they were yours so you have to be theirs. I have been a bridesmaid eight times and quite honestly it's no big deal.

I think you should cut your friend some slack, if you wish to remain friends.

sparkleandsunshine · 01/02/2018 15:52

I’m getting married this year and I asked two of my best friends, one got married 2 years ago and didn’t ask me even though we were just as close then, I understand, and two of her bridesmaids seriously let her down during run up to her wedding and she doesn’t even speak to them now!! The other one got engaged after I did, after I had asked her to be mine, and didn’t ask me.
I have to admit that one did hurt a little bit, but it’s her wedding, her choice, and I have been nothing but supportive, gone to wedding fairs etc. She’s my friend, and I want her day to be perfect same as I want mine to be, if her vision of her perfect day doesn’t have me as a bridesmaid then who am I to say different 🤷‍♀️
Never been a bridesmaid though, and you have every right to feel hurt or sad, I just wouldn’t say anything x

ElephantsInCustard · 01/02/2018 15:54

I would feel hurt as well in your situation.

But I think this is one where you just need to suck it up. I'm sorry that sounds so harsh, and I know it's not easy, but you don't know their reasons (and can't exactly ask). I would try to put it to one side and think about it as little as possible. A wedding only lasts one day. Easy for me to say, I know.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 01/02/2018 15:56

I understand. I had my sister and my best friend of 25 years as my BMs. 3 years later bf had her sister and her stbsil. Totally understandable but she just didn't mention it. I wrongly assumed I'd be one but the call never came. One day I got an email inviting me to the hen do signed "from The Bridesmaids" and it really stung. I understand why she wanted those two people but she could have just said, it's not like we weren't close. It wasn't a huge wedding so maybe 3 BMs would have been too much. I couldn't even go to the Hen Do at all because I'd already booked a holiday abroad (booked before bf got engaged).

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 01/02/2018 16:03

When you had your wedding you chose who you wanted as your bridesmaids, and there were probably someone secretly sat at home thinking why didn't she choose me , but it was your decision.

So why shouldn't your bridesmaids have full choice over who they want as their own bridesmaids at their own weddings,

It's not a popularity contest, and if you chose your own bridesmaids with the hope of one day being their bridesmaid at their wedding then you may be sorely disappointed.

My advice is be happy for these ladies, look around the church (or wherever they are getting married) 99% of the guests won't be playing a part in the wedding ceremony, so you need to get over it because it would be a shame to lose friendships over something so petty

onlyconnect · 01/02/2018 16:04

I have a policy in life that serves me very well:
Don't expect or think about what you might get in return for anything you do
Don't expect to be invited anywhere or get offended if you're not
Don't invite people because they invited you

Recently a group of four friends who go out occasionally have arranged to go out and despite having invited me the last couple of times, this time they haven't. I genuinely don't mind. There could be all sorts of reasons and I'm certainly not going to assume it's a negative one.

OP, same applies to you. There are all sorts of possible reasons. You're adults, even if she doesn't like you and doesn't want to be friends any more (highly unlikely), that's disappointing for you but entirely fair enough.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2018 16:05

I've only been a bridesmaid once and it was quite stressful.

I think really it is best to just forgive and forget. Move on.

I had a friend as a bridesmaid because she had had me. It didn't mean we were close, it just meant I felt obligated to her!

I think it is just one of those things.

HolyShet · 01/02/2018 16:08

I suppose it hurts if said bride and bridesmaids make a whole great big wankery deal out of it.

OP I think you are reading too much into it though. It's not a measure of your worth as a friend.

thecatsthecats · 01/02/2018 16:08

Silvery - to be fair, if you've been a bridesmaid eight times, I'm sure it does become a bit of a drag, but possibly the OP has NEVER been a bridesmaid, and yes, it may well sting a bit to have never been chosen by any friends as a bridesmaid.

I have been my sister's bridesmaid, but none of my friends have chosen me. My very oldest friend won't be my bridesmaid, and none of our school friends have chosen her for their bridesmaid either. She had a similar pang to mine when a very old friend didn't choose her, and she could only talk about it when it happened to me too.

I don't think the OP is talking about making a fuss at all. It just hurts, and it's ok to say that it hurts in private on the internet.

alotalotalot · 01/02/2018 16:26

I'd feel a bit hurt too. Thanks

Chugalug · 01/02/2018 16:30

It's funny how as humans we are all so different...I totally understand op how you must be upset...but for me being a bridesmaid is my idea of hell.ive already told a good friend no sorry I can't do it ..my life is so hectic I've no spare time or money for that...much better to give the job to someone who wants it..

MermaidHead · 01/02/2018 17:02

When my sister got married she turned into Bridezilla. She asked her husbands sister to be her Matron of Honour and myself and assorted relatives to fill the other 4 bridesmaid vacancies. Suffice to say I was SO glad when it was all over..we all had to buy our own dresses etc (she insisted that my mother get her teeth whitened) and she threw a hissy fit over the most trivial things..I wish she hadn’t asked me and that I’d been a guest instead. She was so horrible that it took ages to get back on normal speaking terms with her again!! Weddings can sometimes turn normally rational kind women into over-sensitive blinkered self-centred bitches. If your friend falls into this category get on your knees and thank god that she didn’t ask you!

ReanimatedSGB · 01/02/2018 17:09

I was my cousin's bridesmaid when I was 32 (and she was 40) - she had promised me, when I was a kid, that I could be her bridesmaid. It was sweet of her to ask me, I thought at the time (though I felt an unmitigated twat wearing flowers in my hair at that age.) Maybe these friends have similar longstanding obligations?

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