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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about my bridesmaids

67 replies

rabbithug12 · 01/02/2018 14:21

When I got married, I had my closest friends as bridesmaids. All have been married or are getting married soon and none have asked me to be a bridesmaid. I know it's their choice how many/who they have but it's really upset me. I can't see any reason apart from they just don't think as much of me as I do them.

Now that I'm typing this, I feel it sounds petty but it has really upset me and greatly affected my friendships with them. I just wondered if this had happened to anyone else.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/02/2018 17:18

I thought bridesmaids were supposed to be unmarried (hence maids)?

SandyY2K · 01/02/2018 17:22

Some people want single younger bridesmaids. Or maybe she chose people closer to her..like relatives.

thatwhichwecallarose · 01/02/2018 17:34

I can understand this.

When I got married I had two bridesmaids; my best friend and my sister. Now BF has been a bridesmaid for a number of people. But it still hurt when she had 5 bridesmaids (2 sisters) and I wasn’t one of them.

That said 12 years on she doesn’t see 2 of the 3 friends and yet we are still very close. If I could choose to be her BM but not friends now or not BM and still close I would choose the long term friendship every time!

pickleofficer · 01/02/2018 17:38

I didn't ask any of my best friends to be bridesmaids, and went with family members. If they were bothered, they had the grace not to show it.

I have also declined invitations to be a bridesmaid before now. Would much rather be a guest than faff about in an ugly dress and get caught up in all the ridiculous wedding faff that seems to be the trend these days!

mikeyssister · 01/02/2018 17:39

I read your name as Rabbi Thug12 OP, and thought to myself that's an interesting user name.

Sorry, totally off thread I knoow.

ThePinkPanter · 01/02/2018 17:46

A very good friend asked me to be a bridesmaid. It was horrendous. She was a lovely person the rest of the time. I ended up sacking it off after a tantrum caused by me not giving up my third weekend in a row to go cake tasting. She started with
a 5 bridesmaids and finished with 5 but needed replacements. We no longer talk.

browneyes77 · 01/02/2018 20:11

My ex best friend asked me to be her Maid of honour.

I took her to dress fittings, went to wedding shows with her etc all the things that you do as a chief bridesmaid and for your best mate. At her hen do, I played taxi to her mother and sisters there and back (3+ hour trip to Devon). I drove me and her sisters in my long ass bridesmaid dress to the church and the reception (She asked me to do this).

She decided to have a mini hen do a couple of weeks later for those girls who didn’t get an invite to the ‘main’ hen do. Just a few drinks kind of thing. I couldn’t go to that one because I had a bit of an emergency come up at home. But didn’t think it was a big deal as I’d been there for her main hen do and everything else and more besides.

That night I got a text from her (after a few drinks I believe) telling me she was no longer having me as her maid of honour because I didn’t attend that 2nd hen do. And she was having another one of our friends instead. I was mad and hurt, but just told her fine, it’s your wedding do what you like. I got a few grovelly texts back when she realised I wasn’t biting and then a “well you can both be my maid of honour” followed by various other backtracking.

Come the day of her wedding. Me and other bridesmaid walk down aisle together - other friend is given brides flowers to hold. Other friend is asked to go witness the register signing. It became pretty clear that despite the back tracking she’d done in her texts she had in fact relegated me and given this other friend the main of honour slot. I felt quite humiliated.

If she’d wanted someone else to be her maid of honour in the first place that wouldn’t have bothered me at all. But to give you that role and take it away because you couldn’t go to a second hen do because of a family emergency? Forget about all the years I supported her, put a roof over her head (twice!) when she didn’t have one. Was there for her though thick and thin. It all came down to me putting my family before a second hen do.

So the moral of this long winded story is: it’s better to not be asked than to be asked and then have it taken away.

mikeyssister · 05/02/2018 16:16

@browneyes77 is that when she became your ex-best friend?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 05/02/2018 16:19

browneyes77 What a bitch, not surprised you fell out.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/02/2018 16:21

It is hard OP because we generally have the people we love most as bridesmaids.

I had family plus two friends. One asked me back when she got engaged then changed the date and essentially rescinded the offer. The other is single but I will be really sad if she doesn't ask me.

However she's been bridesmaid for numerous people over the years - realistically she won't be having all of them and her sister and her two nieces and her two cousins she's really close to.

It isn't always a clear choice

browneyes77 · 05/02/2018 17:02

@mikeyssister Well yes it was the calayst. At the wedding she practically ignored me so there were no pics of me and her together from the reception. And there were other things during the day and the day before that really made me re-evaluate the friendship. Like the fact that afterwards when we had a row about it (that she instigated) and I told her how much she’d hurt me her response was to shout at me “I know!” with no forthcoming apology. She basically admitted that she did it to hurt me. That finally did it for me. I realised that for 10 years I’d been making excuses and bending over backwards for someone who frankly wasn’t that good of a friend!

MermaidHead · 05/02/2018 17:18

Crikey BrownEyes..sounds like your friend was a Bridezilla too!

londonrach · 05/02/2018 17:24

Its meant to be family you choose before friends. Ive only been bridesmaid once for my sister. Great fun but as its my sister she was the last person who could be a brideziller. Our hen party involved my sister, the other bridesmaid (her future sister in law whos a very good friend of both of us) and me having an italian meal at lunchtime. Best hen party even. Consider this a good escape as reading mn seriously puts you being part of a wedding party!

SleepingStandingUp · 05/02/2018 23:58

You choose who you want, not top 5 by closest blood tie

Prescottdanni123 · 21/05/2018 09:51

Sorry, I know this post is old, but the whole thing about bridesmaids being traditionally unmarried is a little old fashioned. A few of my friends recently got married and they each had at least 1 married bridesmaid. One girl had 4 bridesmaids and all but 1 were married.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/05/2018 10:04

browneyes -

the years I supported her, put a roof over her head (twice!) when she didn’t have one. Was there for her though thick and thin.

And now, she's lost that.

Make no mistake, there will be (and probably already have been) times when she will bitterly regret what she did. If only because selfish cows quite miss having good friends who will make sacrifices for them.

Well done you on walking away from her!

Eledamorena · 21/05/2018 10:18

I had my 4 closest (and oldest) friends and one of my sisters as bridesmaids (it was a fairly big wedding but even so I felt like that was a LOT! But I couldn't have picked between them). My other sister wasn't bothered but we aren't close and she had a baby a week before the wedding so it wouldn't have been sensible anyway. She could have easily missed the wedding entirely if she had carried over.

I had already been bridesmaid for the two who were married. We couldn't care less that a bridesmaid is supposed to be unmarried. But one was divorced by the time of my wedding and has since married again... and I wasn't a bridesmaid second time!! She had just one that time, a friend who 'fitted' more into the shared circle of friends with her groom. I know she felt really awkward not asking me but I honestly didn't mind, I know it was stressful for her having another wedding anyway. She also knew I was trying for a baby and didn't want to put any pressure on re dresses etc! As it happens I had a new baby to take to her wedding and would have felt dreadful trying to squeeze into a pre-chosen dress! I did a reading so I did still feel included. We are still very close friends and the one who was a bridesmaid has kind of fallen by the wayside...

Not any help to the OP as it seems there are no extenuating circumstances for her not to be chosen, and these things mean more to some than others. People just make their choices and I mostly think that you just run with that, and support your friend. But I can understand it must hurt and being dismissive is not very kind to the OP!

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