To split will between dc on basis of need, not equally?

[jzjz]

More of wwyd in this situation

Dh and I have had the same will since our 3 dc were children, splitting everything equally between them. They're now all grown up with their own families and very different circumstances, so I'm wondering if splitting equally is the best thing to do.

For context (all names changed)...
We have three adult children

1. Andrew - ultra intelligent & highest earning by far, his wife is also a high earner (both city lawyers). They have two kids - Bethany & Michael -both v. academic & high-achieving - who they've put through private school. Bethany doing law at top uni, Michael doing A-levels and want to do medicine. So I'd imagine they'll both be high earners in the future. If it's relevant, their mother is an only child and has very wealthy parents, so the family will be getting a big inheritance from them.

2. Hannah - not at all academic, didn't go to uni, got married and had a daughter & son quite young. The son (Jake) is in a stable relationship with 2 kids, has a good office job but doesn't earn a huge amount. The daughter (Isabel) is a single parent to 2 small kids whose fathers aren't in the picture, she works a few hours a week (can't do more due to childcare issues), but mostly relies on parents/benefits.

3. Jane went to uni & is a teacher, so earns a reasonable amount. Husband hasn't worked in years due to disability. 2 kids - the older (Lucy) went to uni, though not a top uni, and has just started working in an office in her home town, living at home. The younger (David) has SEN & works in a supermarket.

My question really is, should we leave the will as it is and split it equally, giving 1/3 to each child?

Should we split it equally 9 ways between each child & grandchild? (or include great-granchildren too?)

Or should we allocate it more on basis of need - i.e. not leave anything of financial worth to Andrew's family?

Should we prioritise Isabel, Jake, Lucy, David?

Dh is the Andrew figure and he feels he wants to give up his inheritance for the benefit of his sisters. I have encouraged him not to put it in writing, just in case our circumstances change before his parents pass, he can always hand over his share if he wants.
We know someone who has gone from a lovely house in London with a family and a great job in the city but he has lost everything, family, house job and his mental health, he now lives in a one bed rental in the sticks.

I’ve not read the entire thread but is there something you can give Andrew & Family that is valuable emotionally rather than financially?

Sorry if I've missed this in the thread, but how significant are David's additional needs? If he is likely to need long term support or to struggle to live independently, and if he's the only child/grandchild with disabilities which may make it harder for him to make his own way, I would prioritise his future security and expect the others to understand. What that means in practical terms depends on what his needs are but for example if he would have the desire and ability to live independently but would likely face discrimination in the rental market, or be at the mercy of programmes that might be cut, and could never earn enough to buy somewhere of his own, I would be leaving him enough to own a suitable property outright, and then divide what's left among the others.

Sorry haven't read the full thread, but I would leave an equal split to your three children in your will. Any differences could lead to resentment.

However, this does not prevent you from helping out certain members of your family during your lifetime. I would find ways of helping them now. You say your children don't live near each other - do you live closer to your daughters? Perhaps you already give them more support than Andrew anyway? You will get the satisfaction of seeing improvements in their lives and it will come sooner than if they have to wait for inheritance. You would also save issues of inheritance tax perhaps needing to be paid if you can reduce your estate a little now. Though all this is a careful balance - you need to ensure you have enough to live off for the rest of your life too!
My advice would be to keep your will as equal and simple as possible to save arguments after your death.

Equal split between the three children. They can choose what and if to give to their own children

You never know when things could change for any one of them

Equal split between DC.
Their circumstances could change.
They may be closer when you die and Andrew may look after and help them more when you are not here to do it.

Please dont do this in your will, it hurts. By all means give handouts to the needier family now, and discreetly. Wills are divisive and cause family rifts

Equal split- any other way can cause family fall outs tbh. I speak from experience

I am the broke one with three very comfortably off siblings. I would be mortified if I was treated differently. My two sisters have helped me out a lot in the past.

My mother is now starting to give away money but only to me! I've told them and I'm keeping a record of it so that I can redistribute it. They've both said I'm not to worry about it but my brother, the Andrew in my family, wants his share!

Any other scenario will cause your grieving children extreme hurt.

NotTreacs a few posts above you I've explained that this did happen to me (one sibling left everything, three not) and it's been fine. It needn't cause hurt.

@Enidblyton1

We're all in the northwest, Andrew and his family are in London.

I’m surprised so many are saying it would cause a rift to split any way other than equally. It hasn’t in our family!

Maybe the solution is to give a significant amount away now to the others so that the amount left can be split equally but that those that really need it are benefiting more

jzjz I did wonder whether you were up north. Andrew is not a high earner for his profession nor for London. You are not comparing like for like.

I’d split equally or some of your kids will forever be left wondering why their parent favoured their brother/ didn’t love them equally/ thought they were less deserving.

3 equal splits or you’re penalising hard work.

3 equal OR bias towards grandchildren

You will harm their relationships otherwise

Don’t do it !

I’d help the other children and g/children now before death, if you can. I understand completely where you’re coming from

Equal 3 way split.

I would never dream of treating my children differently.

This is so true, Op, I don't even understand why you are even asking the question.

I am the 'Andrew' in your scenario, in that I went to a good uni, got a professional degree, married someone within same field, both worked hard and were mortgage free in our 30s, despite not earning anywhere near what your DS earns.

DB on the other hand, despite going to a grammar, left it at 16, did a couple of years work, then gave up and has, as he openly admits, "lived off the state" ever since, 40 years. Married to someone who works but is from a culture where her money gets sent home.

Unbeknown to me, my mum was bankrolling him for years, and eventually gave him and SIL a large lump sum to buy their rented house with. Not a word to me, until I inadvertently found out a year before she died. Glad I did, as she had kept the payment receipt, it would have been a massive shock to find out when sorting her estate, when he would have gloated that he was the favourite etc. It wasn't about the money.....we don't have expensive tastes and have enough to live a comfortable life....it just felt like she had made a massive statement about where I stood in her affection, and it certainly wasn't equal to DB. Not to mention humiliating me by telling other relatives but swearing them to secrecy.

I fully expected him to pull out a new will when we sat with the solicitor the day after her funeral but she had had the sense to keep her original will (despite pressure from him it seems).

Whilst I know it was her money, to do with as she pleased, it still hurts and I still wonder if she just loved him more than me.

I have DS at uni, bright but also very organised, prepares thoroughly for interviews etc. I know he will go far.

DD is still at college, not as academic, so even if she does get to uni, I suspect she wont earn as much as him (but who knows).

I would never, ever, ever consider not treating them equally and I have told them that. They both saw how hurt I was by my mums actions, and also lost a lot of respect for her too, which was a pity, they were both close to her, used to spend time alone with her in school hols when younger.

Needsasock

I think equal split- or tell andrew about the plans (not ask his permission), so that he doesn't think it is a slight. It is easy for misunderstandings to occur when people are upset and grieving and their may be a "what if they really don't care" from his point of view if he is just not mentioned at all in his parents' will. If he understands why, I think there is less chance of upset being caused.

Also- surely £200,000 for the siblings will still be life-changing if they are on such low income? I mean, obviously £300k would be better but I doubt they'd sniff at £200k.

Split evenly between each child. Surely your high earning siblings won’t sit back and watch the low earning family members struggle?

Im afraid I haven't rtft but this on page one really got to me.

I have a career that pays well. I am not rich like Andrew by any means. Not even close.

My sister doesn't earn much at all mainly because she was lazy at school and didnt work hard enough. She doesn't earn much now.

It is a source of tension between us that i can afford nicer things than her. I dont know why. I worked for what i have and she didn't bother.

Why should i offer any finacial assistance to other siblings on that basis.

I haven't rtft so not sure how popular both views are but I disagree with what most of the pp views I've read so far. I'm from a family of three children all with different needs and I fully support my parents giving one of my siblings far more money as they need it far more. Even if your son isn't close to his sisters he presumably would understand if you explained that it was a purely pragmatic decision based on need and he really may not be interested in the money at all if he earns so much and stands to inherit a lot from his wife's parents. If his share of your inheritance would be a drop in the ocean for him it really may not be a big deal. Surely its worth asking him how he feels about it if the outcome could mean so much to. Your other children/grandchildren without causing bad feeling with him?

My sister doesn't earn much at all mainly because she was lazy at school and didnt work hard enough. She doesn't earn much now.
Interestingly dh who is an Andrew worked his butt off at school and continues to at work, his sisters did not work at school and continue to work less than half the hours he works - he takes a lot of shit from them about his income, he gets rounded on for the hours he works, as the years have passed their resentment has grown.

haven't read the full thread but I do think it is ok to leave the money according to need. I would not discuss it, but would leave letters explaining your reasoning and make sure to leave items of sentimental value to your son and family. You are not leaving your love, you are leaving your things - Andrew has a lot already, as have his children. I would priotise the daughters and their children because they are unlikely to have other options

@allthebestnamesareused

To be honest, I don't know exactly what Andrew and his wife earn - £100,000 each was an estimate based on what seemed a lot to me.

He's a senior partner in a law firm, so based on what you're saying, he probably earns more than that.