To split will between dc on basis of need, not equally?

[jzjz]

More of wwyd in this situation

Dh and I have had the same will since our 3 dc were children, splitting everything equally between them. They're now all grown up with their own families and very different circumstances, so I'm wondering if splitting equally is the best thing to do.

For context (all names changed)...
We have three adult children

1. Andrew - ultra intelligent & highest earning by far, his wife is also a high earner (both city lawyers). They have two kids - Bethany & Michael -both v. academic & high-achieving - who they've put through private school. Bethany doing law at top uni, Michael doing A-levels and want to do medicine. So I'd imagine they'll both be high earners in the future. If it's relevant, their mother is an only child and has very wealthy parents, so the family will be getting a big inheritance from them.

2. Hannah - not at all academic, didn't go to uni, got married and had a daughter & son quite young. The son (Jake) is in a stable relationship with 2 kids, has a good office job but doesn't earn a huge amount. The daughter (Isabel) is a single parent to 2 small kids whose fathers aren't in the picture, she works a few hours a week (can't do more due to childcare issues), but mostly relies on parents/benefits.

3. Jane went to uni & is a teacher, so earns a reasonable amount. Husband hasn't worked in years due to disability. 2 kids - the older (Lucy) went to uni, though not a top uni, and has just started working in an office in her home town, living at home. The younger (David) has SEN & works in a supermarket.

My question really is, should we leave the will as it is and split it equally, giving 1/3 to each child?

Should we split it equally 9 ways between each child & grandchild? (or include great-granchildren too?)

Or should we allocate it more on basis of need - i.e. not leave anything of financial worth to Andrew's family?

Should we prioritise Isabel, Jake, Lucy, David?

Perhaps Andrew realised he had to fend for himself because he wasn't going to get the help you prefer to dole out to the others.

It's typically what the eldest child does. Parents are usually far more lenient, understanding & experienced with subsequent children, who generally/usually have an easier time of it, and sometimes are more supported/indulged.

Note: generally/usually/typically

Another voice for an equal split and also for never mentioning to Andrew that you thought otherwise. Asking him his opinion about being left out puts him in a horrible position - if he feels hurt by it and says so, he looks like a money-grabber. If he feels hurt and says he isn't, he will be building up simmering resentment. I think if you don't do an equal three way split, you are much more likely to put in place a situation where the siblings end up completely estranged from Andrew. Surely you don't want that? If Andrew does indeed feel an unfairness of the situation, he can request a variation of the will to give some or all of his share to his siblings or nieces. No amount of loving words in a will would prevent his hurt (and in fact to me would seem to run salt into the wound, that Mum thought enough of him to have a solicitor draft a declaration of love, but not enough to actually include him in her estate).

I would also look at doing what you can now to support the SEN of your grandchild and the family with the disabled husband, if you want to. Do it privately and quietly, with only the affected family in the know.

I would also say that starting to split based on perceived need gets very tough, as someone else has said. A 50-50 between the other two children doesn't reflect their differing needs and would risk breeding resentment between Hannah and Jane, who might each think their need trumps the others.

Equal shares to the three children , if desired small (equal) gifts to grandchildren in the will. And use the here and now to help out those in need if you want to.

I would counsel against unequal splitting of the will, it may cause unnecessary anguish. And as others have said, you don't know what the future holds for any of them.

However, if you are going to do this then I would suggest you have a discussion with your son about the reasons behind it. So he has an explanation and knows it is not a reflection of your feelings about him/the regard in which you hold him. It is easy to think he would automatically "get" why you had chosen to split your will unequally- and perhaps in a rational way he would- but grief does have a way of turning things upside down and preventing rational thought. Not only that but there might always be a bit of doubt, a "what if..." at the back of his mind. I wouldn't risk that- so if you do go ahead it is better to be upfront about it and give an explanation whilst you are still here to do so.

I think you need to split it equally.
I'm the middle child of 3, and also the middle success wise.
My older brother is very academic, passed his A levels, went to uni. Very good job. Owns his own house which will likely be paid off in the next couple of years.
I've never been academic, got all C's & Ds in my GCSEs, no A levels, no uni. I have a alright job. And recently brought a house but all my money goes towards paying bills and there's work that really needs doing to it that I cant imagine ever having the money to do.
My younger sister was also very academic, got into school you have to pass an exam to get into, Good GSCEs and A Levels, all her school friends went off to Uni and now have good jobs. My sister didn't, she just made one rash decision after another, mostly to rebel against what my parents wanted her to do. She now jumps from guy to guy in the hope that she lands someone who will look after her financially.

I certainly hope my parents don't pass anytime soon, but I'd be pretty upset it they left my sister more because she needed it more. I'd understand that financially she'd needed it more, but I suppose I'd feel punished for her bad chooses and my hard work. Any money I could get would help with the work that needs doing to the house, and although my brother doesn't need any extra money I'm sure he could think of something to treat himself to if it was there.

At the end of the day its my parents money, so its completely up to them what they do with it. I'd much rather they just enjoy their retirement.

But yes, I do agree with sycamore that even the route of unequal will and an explanation does run the risk of causing hurt. As she says: if you tell him and he expresses upset, he looks greedy and like he only cares about your money; if he is upset but hides it then you risk resentment building up. Though you do know him best, and if you think he genuinely will be fine with it and are determined to split your estate unequally then I think you should explain the reasons behind this before your death. Putting it in the will would be very unkind.

Equal split among your 3 DC.

If you were to help your GC financially, I would give equally too. We're not talking huge amounts here are we?

Nothing damages family relations more than to feel unloved and overlooked deliberately.

Favoritism is never nice. And you know, the children who haven't done as well may well have been hindered by your favoritism in the past. Perhaps Andrew realised he had to fend for himself because he wasn't going to get the help you prefer to dole out to the others.

Yes Op. Make sure you realise that your most outwardly successful child is successful DESPITE you and your other children are failures BECAUSE of you.

For some people if its not one thing its your mother.

Im going against the grain slightly, in an ideal world your oldest child would want to help his sisters in their situation but as they have no relationship he wont.

OP when your gone your son is never going to see his sisters again and equally think you can explain to your son the moral choice youve made.

Its not avout loving him less but recognising his self made success and wanting to ensure all children have that chance in life.

I would split equally. My DH is the rich child where my SIL is the struggeling mum. The family always helps her with everything and we never get any help because we can pay for it. They don't know that we are doing very expensive IVF. They don't understand that when my husband -who is a contractor- takes the day off to help them, he doesn't get paid for the day. If my husband is sick he doesn't earn anything. We earn a lot more money but are financially quite vulnerable and need to keep massive savings in case DH gets sick. Last time was three months when he needed an operation. You can't decide pure on the basis of a good job if someone is financially secure. You don't know what kind of problems they are in or what the future holds.

Equal split.

Andrew's children if doing law might end up with £100,000 of tuition fees to do the bar. As PP who knows what the future is.

My MIL hasn't done an equal split, it's assumed DH is the Andrew but his sister actually earns more and tax free (lives abroad) and owns several properties rent free. She complains about being broke though. It's caused resentment in the family, as these things always tend to do.

Agree with PP about not punishing success, and what Andrew's in laws may or may not do is irrelevant.

It depends on your children and the dynamics between them. The last thing you want is to leave any ill feeling between them when you pass away. In my family, there is one sibling who could do with more than the rest and we are all in agreement about this and would not resent them getting more if my parents died. It works (or will work) because we all feel the same but if even one of us felt it was unfair then I think my parents would reconsider. They really value the relationships we (their children) have as siblings and would hate to rock the boat. I would talk with your children and ask them how about they feel. They might be like us and fine with it or they might not. Talk to them individually though so they can speak freely and if one of them doesn't agree don't judge them or let the others put them under pressure.

@SpiderCid Best answer!

I would also add that IME loving parents tend to blame "bad luck" when one of their DC isn't doing well in life, and underplay the fact that that DC may have made some poor choices or not made as much effort as they could.

I wonder if there is an element of this here?

Either speak to Andrew or split it equally.
My Grandmother's will left her home to my Uncle and my mother got the few thousand pounds from the saving account.
This was because my mother owned her own home outright and my Uncle had lost 2 of his houses through repossession. My mother was absolutely devastated, not about the financial side of it but because it was never discussed with her and she felt completely over looked.

Equal split. You have no way of knowing how their lives will be at the time the will comes into effect.
Not wishing to derail, but have you considered whether you may need care in your later years? There may not be much left to argue about.

I would split it equally

My FIL didn’t do an equal split and it caused a lot of bitterness, even from the sibling, my SIL, who had inherited a lot via her husband and his being an only child and inheriting several houses.

We had to make a deed of variation on thrbwill and give them some money. Even though we did it as fairly as we could, they still think we did better than them and it could have caused a rift between our children and their cousins.

What I am trying to say is that Andrew will have worked hard to achieve what he has (not saying your other children didn't but maybe not in the same ways) and I am astounded that you seem to be refusing to acknowledge that

Of course he would have worked hard. Nobody suggested he hasn't. And of course IQ isn't the only factor. The point wasn't that smart people don't have to try, it's just that people who choose to follow careers which aren't rooted in academic excellence, do tend to be paid less. Jane is a teacher, you think she doesn't work as hard as Andrew? No matter how hard she works, her salary will never match his. It is rarely about how hard you work. I know many people who work much harder than me, but are paid way less.

I would call a family meeting and ask how they think the money should be split

I would call a family meeting and ask how they think the money should be split

👀😳

I wouldn't go for an equal split. It seems as if Andrew doesn't have a relationship with his siblings, and they genuinely need it more (especially as you divide the 200k between a family with several children, the difference could help out a great deal)

I've watched an "unequal split" done in my wider family and it didn't end well; in this case, the three favoured children were nowhere to be seen when their ageing parents needed help, and the "Andrew" not unnaturally resented all the responsibility falling on him

Nor is it necessarily a bad thing that assets are tied up in the house in this case, as large cash gifts in life can easily lead to "well, you've already had ... "

There's a reason for the old saying "where there's a will there's an argument", which is perhaps why so many split assets equally; IMO it's the only decent thing to do

Split equally. Def.

Whatever your good intentions, not treating your children equally could cause enormous ructions. It could be perceived as a snub, or an expression of favouritism.

I would be devastated if my parents disinherited me because of perceived wealth. You don’t know Andrew’s financial situation in detail.

I would never dream of treating my children differently.

One could argue that as adults their respective outcomes are part their respective responsibilities. Thus one could argue its unfair to punish one child's life decisions and reward another less successful path. I think this could upset the relationship between them all. Personally I would split it evenly.