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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to deal with MIL from hell

100 replies

M0na1isa · 31/01/2018 23:29

When you are invited to dinner and MIL hugs you and whispers into your ear that your wearing FUCK ME SHOES so that no one else can hear and to hurt you. And when you announce in front of your hubbie and kids what she did you still have to apologize to her for being nasty otherwise she might have a mental breakdown?
Need help to deal with MIL who treats me horribly after being faithful to her son and loving and giving her the only grandchildren she has whilst she sucks up to her other sons wife who controls and pegs him down. MIL says nasty comments all the time to me and then justifies it by saying she wasn't being mean but she clearly was; or she was just kidding!
Need serious tips on handling MIL as I am very close to leaving family after surviving 20 years

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 02/02/2018 10:29

When I had dd2, my then mil, a nurse on the maternity ward, came over and told me I was dirty. This was because I quickly placed my newborn dd on the bed before picking her up to feed her. She told me it was the same as putting her in my pants with my sanitary towel. Another nurse told me that if she had not actually heard it herself, she would have refused to believe me.

I had years and years of this including accusing me of "giving" my dd pneumonia because she was not wearing a vest in July. I have not seen her (other than by accident) for 25 years.

What a bizarre woman you mil is op. My mil was very offended by any swearing and even criticised me for saying schitzu referring to a dog as she said it was an excuse to swear in her presence!

Piffle11 · 02/02/2018 10:32

I simply would not entertain her at all: I wouldn't go and see her, and if she was planning a visit to my house, I'd make sure I was out. Your DH really needs to step in as his attitude is enabling her. Why would he want such a poisonous individual in his children's lives?

RibenaMonsoon · 02/02/2018 10:33

Something like That, just reply.. "oh of course! I know how to keep my man happy!"

It will piss her right off.

Toast3 · 02/02/2018 10:34

You should reply with:

I know, your son loves them. Especially when I’m wearing nothing else and they are around my neck...😂😂😂

What an odd thing to say to you....

Jessie2445 · 02/02/2018 10:35

I have got a MIL from hell, who makes a snide comment and tries to belittle me, all in front of DH, every time we see her ( which now isn’t often as I have had enough). After getting fed up with DH not telling the cow off and being silenced in order to keep the peace.

I can finally now cope with her. What’s changed? Definitely not her, definitely not DH ( though he agrees what a cow she is adterwards). I changed.

It was after hearing this : if someone gives you a gift and you don’t accept it. Whose gift is it? It’s theirs.

So when she starts, I imagine her holding a bag of shit and trying to offer it to me. In my mind I think no thanks , you keep it. And it makes me laugh. She has tried to diminish me because she hates herself and instead I foccus on looking at her with a bag of shit in her hands.

Since we only meet up somewhere for dinner, I also pretend I didn’t hear her or get her little dig and that really bothers her as she isn’t given the reaction she is after.

Please don’t throw 20 year’s away over that stupid cow. Give up on your husband every sorting it out. Neither are going to change.

Just limit your time spent around her as much as possible - I’ve got it down to every three months- woohoo!

Realise she hates herself and is jealous that she isn’t the apple of her son’s eye. If anything improve your relationship with DH, it will upset her even more!

Divert your attention away to something else as soon as you know she is going to be a cow and most importantly don’t forget she is holding on to a bag of shit ;)

prettymess · 02/02/2018 10:38

“What size are you? Want to borrow them?”

Don’t take this rubbish.

woollytights · 02/02/2018 10:39

ZacharyQuack

Absolutely fucking bang on! Grin

Deathraystare · 02/02/2018 10:46

You should have look confused. "Fuck me shoes"? "Never heard of that brand, have you, DH?" In future if you do see her and she acts/talks inappropriately, mention this to your hubby - either draw him in acting as if it is the funniest thing or be totally confused (because you don't understand what she said i.e. it is too rude for you to comprehend!!)

Aridane · 02/02/2018 10:49

I thought 'fuck me shoes' was a way to describe truly awesome shoes... Blush

hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2018 10:57

Why do you still go round there?
Life is waaay too short to be seeing someone who is a twat.
Cut her out of your life.
Your DH doesn't have to.
But you don't have to go round there either.
You are an adult. You can choose not to have nasty people in your life.
You've done your bit for 20 years.
Time to think of you now and not pander to this narcissistic piece of crap! And her obviously spineless son!

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 02/02/2018 11:12

Ari me too!

Evenbetter · 02/02/2018 11:16

‘Hilarious’ retorts are all very well but you still have the shit sandwich at the end. Terminate this nonsense, there is no need whatsoever for you to be in her presence and your husband needs to stand up for the family he chose to create. It’s really easy to sort out-remove her from your life.

Pidlan · 02/02/2018 12:27

I don't understand why this particular comment was so awful- me and all my friends/family would think that was very funny. Maybe you just have a very different sense of humour to her and it got very awkward when you took it as something offensive when she was trying to make you giggle.

diddl · 02/02/2018 12:30

If MIL had meant it as a joke, why was it such a big deal that Op then told everyone what had been said?

greendale17 · 02/02/2018 12:30

I would try and record her- then at a nice family gathering you could play it all back for everyone to see

Pidlan · 02/02/2018 12:43

Well I'm just trying to imagine myself in that position diddl - at a family dinner, I might jokingly whisper to my SIL or MIL (yes really) "you're wearing fuck-me shoes". If they then said "Pidlan just said I was wearing fuck-me boots" in front of the family and kids, it would make things massively awkward. Even worse if it was "Pidlan said this to make me feel bad, she hates me" etc. Obviously we don't know exactly what was said, but it just sounds like a weird insult to give someone- as another poster said above, that can be a way of saying "nice shoes."

Worldsworstcook · 02/02/2018 13:00

At a recent funeral my evil hag of a bitch MIL (94) was present when someone asked my DH (her son) why we had moved to the seaside village we live in now. It was for economic reasons but we have a lovely home and are happy here.

DH said it's an area we liked and we liked it for the kids.

She leaned over to the person, a stranger, who had asked the question and stage whispered "it's because they're too poor to live in .... (name of town)

DH asked her what she'd said and she just looked around. But didnt take it back,

diddl · 02/02/2018 13:03

"it would make things massively awkward. "

Why though if it was a joke directed at her & she chose to share it?

ShatnersWig · 02/02/2018 13:04

I'm assuming there has been A LOT of crap over the years far worse than this comment.

In which case, you don't just have a MIL problem but a DH problem, as MN would say. Sorry. I'm not married but if I was, and my mother was constantly off with my wife, I'm afraid my mother would be told where to go.

Worldsworstcook · 02/02/2018 13:06

How I piss her off now when I see her (very rare, mostly NC) is to tell her of all the wonderful lovely things DH does for me. The nice things he says/does - (even though she has no respect for him and only loves her golden boy eldest son - a layabout sponger who she gives a load of her pension to every week ) drives her bananas.

She went so far as to say if one of her kids had to take cancer and die she would rather is was DH or his middle bro as if anything happened to Golden Balls eldest son she couldn't go on and would die herself.

BarbarianMum · 02/02/2018 13:12

Nobody can make you apologise surely, so why would you? What's the backstory here?

agedknees · 02/02/2018 13:15

My mil was very sneaky. When greeting me she used to hug me and slap me on the back, with her fist. It hurt. So I just started to do the same to her. She soon stopped it.

When she made her barbed comments I would say to my dh, mil has just said this. But my dh always had my back and demand an explanation from mil.

Some woman are just evil.

SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 13:52

Realise she hates herself and is jealous that she isn’t the apple of her son’s eye. If anything improve your relationship with DH, it will upset her even more!

oh, this. Most definitely

I have the same problem re: MIL.

Every time I go round (not often thankfully), I wear the nicest clothes/do my hair/make up, perfume etc and paint a smile on. The more I do it, the more it pisses her off.

Re: her son/dh. Forget about dh siding with you. There is a chance that’ll never happen. To him, she is a narcissist, always been in control, and it’s easier to keep quiet. He knows what she is like and is quite possibly scared of her.

Just do the above and smile sweetly....it’s your reaction that’s important here...

Original poster
M0na1isa · 07/02/2018 21:15

Actually that was like a year after wearing smart shoes at a family wedding. They had a little kitty heal and she called them the same thing. Iwore no shoes all night after that and her best friend was apoolgizing on her behalf and my MIL very well knew how upset it made me.Despite that a year latelr she repeated it and pulled me in to whisper it into my ear so that her son and family didnt hear but just for my very own beneifit of course!
She purposefully tries to mix humour with nastiness because she tries to be vindictive and covers it up with comment like she didn't mean it in this way but... or that she was just joking, to excuse herself.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 07/02/2018 21:20

I'd gush, say thank you that is just the look I'm going for with a big smile. She would look really stupid if she took offense but you know she will be mad.