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AIBU?

How to deal with MIL from hell

100 replies

M0na1isa · 31/01/2018 23:29

When you are invited to dinner and MIL hugs you and whispers into your ear that your wearing FUCK ME SHOES so that no one else can hear and to hurt you. And when you announce in front of your hubbie and kids what she did you still have to apologize to her for being nasty otherwise she might have a mental breakdown?
Need help to deal with MIL who treats me horribly after being faithful to her son and loving and giving her the only grandchildren she has whilst she sucks up to her other sons wife who controls and pegs him down. MIL says nasty comments all the time to me and then justifies it by saying she wasn't being mean but she clearly was; or she was just kidding!
Need serious tips on handling MIL as I am very close to leaving family after surviving 20 years

OP posts:

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M0na1isa · 07/02/2018 21:22

Also she doesn't wear heals herself and hates them.
She goes on about red shoes all the time being slutty and i have never brought red shoes even though in my culture that's what you'd wear on wedding day with red sari.
She hates everything i do despite me trying really hard to please her.
I sometimes wish I had my own mum! Help im going over to dinner this Saturday any tips on how to deal with family dilemmas to come?

OP posts:

dingdongdigeridoo · 07/02/2018 21:25

I'd loudly repeat the comment she whispered. 'FUCK ME SHOES???? HAHAHA YOU ARE SO FUNNY MIL!'

When you say the shoes are part of your culture, are you a different race to DH family? Because that sadly stands out as something she might resent. DH needs to have serious words.

grannytomine · 07/02/2018 21:26

Well I wouldn't let her hug you for a start. Hold her off, say you think you're getting a cold and don't want to give it to her. Don't let her see any of her comments upset you, if she is making them ambiguous then take them as compliments. That used to drive my MIL mad. You take the power.

Mogginthemog · 07/02/2018 21:27

Woa she sounds a nasty piece of work. Regarding Saturday my tip is not to go. Why on earth should you be subjected to that. What would happen if tell DP you just aren’t prepared to be treated with zero respect?

vespertillio · 07/02/2018 21:33

Don't go on Saturday, just don't. I think the advice from Jessie2445 was good. And really while infuriating I'd leave your dh out of it other than to tell him you want minimal contact with her, don't let this split you up - you married him, not her and if he can't make the whole family 'package' work, just try to stay away from her or it will drive you mad. My MIL insults me all the time but I just call her on it or joke back - when she tells me I looked very masculine (if I'm not wearing a dress or skirt) I say well your ds likes me like this and give a big wink, confuses the hell out of her!

M0na1isa · 07/02/2018 21:40

He didn't take her side but at the same time doesn't have the guts to confront her about it.
I had to apologise as his dad said she wasgoing to have a mental breakdown and if i didn't apologizeas his dadsaid that they'd have to cut us out of their lives, but they are unfortunately, the only grandparents that our kids have, therefore i apologized for her being nasty to me.
I need some tips on staying calm over the weekend as im sure shes going to try and provoke me again.

OP posts:

blueletter · 07/02/2018 21:56

me? I'd have just smiled sweetly and said 'I know, my husband loves them'

Kintan · 07/02/2018 21:56

Every time she make a dig, look confused and repeat it back to her verrry slowly. Just act as if you have no idea of what she is going on about.

SurfOrTerf · 07/02/2018 22:02

Kids are better off with no GP's than ones like that

Whatshallidonowpeople · 07/02/2018 22:04

How is that a nasty comment? Also it may have sounding as though she said "your wearing..." but she actually said "you're wearing..."

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 07/02/2018 22:23

I would've said "fine" and walked out.

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 07/02/2018 22:26

THta's in reply to OPs last post btw.

SandAndSea · 07/02/2018 22:26

I know very well what it's like to have a bitch for a mil. But, in the interest of fairness, I wouldn't be at all offended by the "Fuck me shoes" comment. Some shoes can be called this in a fun, light way without any upset at all. However, I wasn't there and I don't know the back story. (My own mil used to be expert at skirting the line so she got away with her nasty comments etc so I know what it can be like).

Please don't feel any obligation to go to the do. Just don't go if you don't want to. If she's threatening a mental breakdown, it doesn't sound like it'll be very enjoyable.

Longtime · 07/02/2018 22:37

Don’t you mean sounded Whatshallidonowpeople?

Mogginthemog · 07/02/2018 22:39

So emotional blackmail
Is her way of control. If you don’t apologise she will have a breakdown? Ok let her have one then because you have nothing to apologise for and I doubt very
Much she will have her threatened breakdown. I wouldn’t go to the do but if you feel you need to for whatever reason, then I would challenge her. If she makes a nasty or snide remark I’d politely tell her not to speak to you like that again because it’s unacceptable. If she starts coming over all faint and breakdowny on you don’t respond and don’t apologise. If nobody has stood up to her before it maybe she is caught off guard and not know how to react. Keep your voice calm, firm and if she starts “I was only joking” then say “nevertheless it’s rude and unacceptable and needs to stop”. It’s easy to say this and I realise it’s very hard to actually do, but she needs standing up to and shutting down and to know you’ve had enough of listening to her nasty shit. Stay strong

Jux · 07/02/2018 22:40

Don't go.

Where is your dh in this? Is he OK with his wife being treated like this?

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 07/02/2018 23:23

OP Could you not ask how mil knows so much about so-called "slutty" red shoes and was she "pure" when she got married?

CrispyWanton · 08/02/2018 10:46

Wear very high red stilettos and say "now these are fuck me shoes"

M0na1isa · 08/02/2018 15:18

Thanks mumsnet buddies! You've given me some great ideas for tacking this issue andI hope I can help you back some time too. I will go ready prepared with an arsenal of responses just in case.

OP posts:

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 08/02/2018 15:49

My exMIL wasn't that bad ... and I certainly think a few things about ex would be more tolerable without her (well I suppose he might have turned out more or less OK without her bringing him up).
You need this woman out of your life. Refuse to go to hers. Let your DH spend time with this snake but you're not obliged to.
But you can always smile, laugh and say "I hope you've saved to pay for care in your old age dear".

Delatron · 08/02/2018 16:11

She will continue to behave like this though until either your DH pulls her up on it or you just don't go and see her.

M0na1isa · 08/02/2018 22:01

MIL doesn't wear heels but just simple shoes and clogs and calls herself a feminist. Maybe because she cant wear them herself doent like to see others wearing heels.

OP posts:

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M0na1isa · 08/02/2018 22:02

I feel feminine when i wear heels especially with a dress.

OP posts:

G120810 · 09/02/2018 21:18

The horror story over .mil it's bad they don't like you you would not have been her choice as you don't fit in u tell DH u will no longer be treated like this he and kids can go ahead but I will not there is nothing you can do or say that is going to make her like u and u're husband should see this it's sad as u and DH have started your own family but he is allowing his mum to try and potentially destroy this u need to ask why this is acceptable if you don't don't get on she could be civil her behaviour can't be blamed on anything else it's her

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/02/2018 21:26

What did you say in apology? ‘I’m sorry you don’t like my shoes’ ‘I’m sorry you tried to upset me’?

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