AIBU to not want my PIL to look after ds?

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

My PIL are very well meaning people who have successfully raised three children and my BIL and SIL are happy for them to babysit their kids. But I just can't bring myself to leave ds with them unsupervised.

1. I don't trust FIL's driving. He got flustered by a driver speeding behind him one time and rolled his car into a ditch. He also got stopped by the police driving on the M1 with timber tied to the roof of his car with string.

1. The only time I ever left ds with them, ds was a couple of months old and the only instruction I gave was that they should call me if ds woke up. They didn't.

1. FIL and MIL have both tried to hand my ds (between the ages of 2 - 2.5) a mug of hot tea to carry across a room.

1. FIL once handed my niece (aged 4) a glass of champagne and told her to drink it. She gulped a bit down before spitting/throwing it up.

1. FIL held out a handful of his pills to show ds and said 'these are grandad's sweeties'.

1. FIL will pick up ds and pretend to smack him on the bottom saying 'your a very naughty boy' or fake punch him saying 'pow', leaving ds looking confused/worries.

These are just some examples of what seem like pretty odd behaviour/lack of judgment to me. AIBU?
Totally PFB?

No, they sound completely irresponsible.

God no! Their behaviour sounds deranged!

Agree that they sounds irresponsible and I wouldn't be leaving my lo in the car of people like that either.

The "grandad's sweets" I find the most unnerving...what a ridiculously irresponsible thing to say.

They seem like well meaning people.

People who would love and cherish your son.

Try to relax a little.

Yes we are supposed to protect our offspring but some people can take that too far

What does your partner think?

How old is your DS?

I think i'd struggle just being around people who tell children pills are sweeties and give them a scolding cup of tea to carry.

Just because they managed to raise their own children does not mean they are still fit enough to care for their grandchildren. Also, granddad sounds bonkers.

It's not really clear to me what dh thinks. He will make comments about thinking that, in particular, his dad can behave pretty strangely. But I'm not allowed to comment! And I know that dh gets upset by the fact that my parents quite regularly have ds on their own at the moment whereas his parents don't.

Part of me thinks that PIL have three children and five other grandchildren who are all perfectly healthy... and part of me wonders what would have happened if I hadn't stopped ds from tottering across a room carrying burning hot tea.

Ds is 2.5...

Not a chance I would allow them to inadvertently harm their grandson and then have to live with that.

The above is perhaps a useful way to look at it. Everything you've said above is concerning, but none of it malicious. They sound nice. They clearly love spending time with their GS. They also sound unlikely to keep him safe and he sounds like he would be more likely to come to harm in their care. They also have a strike against them for not doing what you asked them to - call you if he woke. That's really important.

So, I would not let them look after him alone, not only to keep him safe but also not to put them in the position where they have to look you and their son in the eye and say 'We are so sorry.'

Not worth it.

They sound like they totally lack any common sense!! I would be worried too.

Your major issue is one of trust. If you got them to agree to a set of conditions, would they respect your wishes in practice? If the answer is 'no', and those conditions are basically common sense safety precautions, then you cannot in all conscience leave your child with them. It is up to your DH to sort this all out, through.

But I'm not allowed to comment!

Yes you fucking well are :)

This is your child. Your DH needs it pointing out to him sharpish that he can't have it both ways. He doesn't get to think you're all one big happy family and his parents can be trusted - then say to the mother of that grandchild that SHE isn't 'allowed' an opinion on said grandparents...

Ask him about the tea.

Show him this thread.

Ask him how he'd feel if you took a chance and his parents hurt your son?

Show him this thread, most of all. This must be really hard for him, but his primary role now is a parent, not a child himself keeping his parents happy.

Do they need to look after him alone? Were they offering to provide childcare for example while you are at work?
If not, I can't see why you can't just all visit together.

Bottom line with the tea is that it's quite likely that your DS would have ended up in A&E, isn't it?

With doctors asking questions on how it happened.

Ask your DH to think about that from his parents' point of view too. How would they have felt? How would your relationship be now?

Seems to be mainly you FiL then, what's your MiL like with him? But yeah all those things are worrying, if your gut is saying no then maybe you should trust it.

I wouldn’t be able to relax if I left a child with them; their attitude to safety is quite frightening.

I had near enough exactly the same situation with my DS - especially the driving situation - I have actually been in the car with FIL and he has driven on the wrong side of the road for a few seconds and was totally unaware when a Police Car followed him all the way home (a good few miles) trying to flag him down - they actually drove onto his driveway behind him before he was aware of them. Also, they do not have a good track record of keeping their own (now adult) children out of danger - some of the stories my DH has told me from his childhood are shocking. I, therefore, decided never to allow my DS to be alone in their care. Luckily, my DH agreed with me and every time they suggested taking DS out on their own I made up an excuse. Eventually, they stopped asking - however, I invited them round frequently so they could see DS (unknowingly to them under strict supervision from myself and DH). It did affect their relationship with DS - he was never very close to them and vice versa - they favoured BIL's two daughters over him as they were left with them constantly which was up to BIL & SIL - my DS's relationship with them may have suffered but at least I knew he was safe - trust your own instincts!!

YANBU. My PIL (MIL and her OH) are like this. MIL had BIL's DC from very young and I used to watch her with them and think, oh god, what are you doing?? People would tell me how well meaning they were, but the stuff they did, well, at best it was ill-advised, and worst, neglectful. You will never be at ease whilst your DS is with these people, so why put yourself through it? And what if something does actually happen? Yes it might not be malicious, but that doesn't alter the fact that they do stupid and irresponsible things. MIL once recounted a tale about BIL when he was 4: she was laughing about it as she told it, but I couldn't help but think that it actually could have ended up with BIL dying. But because he didn't it was hysterical. I couldn't see the funny side. In my experience, even asking PIL not to do certain things isn't a guarantee that they are going to listen to you.

Follow your instincts. My pil were lovely but i never left my dc with them. They had old fashioned views on safety and i pretended that the car seats didnt fit in their car.

2.5 Year olds fall on their bums all the time, he could have been scolded.

There is no way I'd leave him with them. I'd also talk to them about the tablets, let them know that you find it dangerous to tell him that and you'd like them to stop saying it.

Your husband needs to listen to your concerns. Those two things in particular are very valid.

They don't need to look after ds alone at all. But the issue is a bit of a 'live' one right now as I am in and out of hospital a lot with a high risk end to my second pregnancy which is almost certainly going to end in a difficult c-section. We're pretty well covered by our usual childcare arrangements plus my parents but everyone is under strain and they are offering to help.

I'm pretty emotional as it is so I don't know how rational I am being. They are very nice people but sometimes just seem to act strangely. Actually, mostly FIL acts strangely and MIL is very passive. I really don't want to hurt their feelings unnecessarily but I think the points pp have made about how PIL would feel if something bad did happen are very perceptive.

Take their offers to help, they can nip shopping for you, help your DH around the house, wash the car for bringing you and the baby home in. Do they have a grabber they can borrow you? Very handy after a c section.

Anything other than the childcare.

I wouldn't leave my child with them either. Why are people so weird??

If it helps I never left my DD with my MIL or FIL. There's just no way. (Long back story). You don't have to leave your child with anyone you don't want to, they will have to accept that.

Perhaps they could look after DS at night time if needed - once he's safely asleep and doesn't need to be driven or fed anything.

But yes - apart from the not waking you when DS woke - all their behaviour sounds worrying around a young child.

PIL might be nice but from what you say they are certainly incompetent, and IMO it would be irresponsible of you to leave DC with them unsupervised at any age.

scalded!

How bizarre. Some people like to test and mock anxious/ pfb/ mother behavior for a laugh. Is it this? Presumably they don't hand nephews and nieces hot drinks? Or maybe they do?
I would make excuses and try to avoid the conversation to keep the peace.
Yes to suggesting they do a bit of cleaning or make some meals for you rather than childcare. Once ds is old enough to not eat grandads sweeties and drink the proferred beer they can have a visit.