AIBU to not want my PIL to look after ds?

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

My PIL are very well meaning people who have successfully raised three children and my BIL and SIL are happy for them to babysit their kids. But I just can't bring myself to leave ds with them unsupervised.

1. I don't trust FIL's driving. He got flustered by a driver speeding behind him one time and rolled his car into a ditch. He also got stopped by the police driving on the M1 with timber tied to the roof of his car with string.

1. The only time I ever left ds with them, ds was a couple of months old and the only instruction I gave was that they should call me if ds woke up. They didn't.

1. FIL and MIL have both tried to hand my ds (between the ages of 2 - 2.5) a mug of hot tea to carry across a room.

1. FIL once handed my niece (aged 4) a glass of champagne and told her to drink it. She gulped a bit down before spitting/throwing it up.

1. FIL held out a handful of his pills to show ds and said 'these are grandad's sweeties'.

1. FIL will pick up ds and pretend to smack him on the bottom saying 'your a very naughty boy' or fake punch him saying 'pow', leaving ds looking confused/worries.

These are just some examples of what seem like pretty odd behaviour/lack of judgment to me. AIBU?
Totally PFB?

Ask yourself this question - would you trust them with your million pound winning lottery ticket to keep it safe? And a child is far more IMPORTANT than any amount of money - DH and I often ask ourselves that question when we hear about what we view as "neglect" e.g. people leaving children in hotel rooms, holiday apartments etc. on their own Would they have left their winning lottery ticket in that unsafe place while they went out?? Yet your child is the most precious thing in the world. People are not the same and don't always have the same standards re child safety - put your child and your feelings first.

Don't leave him with your PILs, you'll never rest easy. I agree with involving them in some other way, if possible.

Op you are being completely rational!! I would never allow them near my child unsupervised. "Grandads sweeties" fucking hell!!!!
I have the same worries with my PIL.

I just don't trust my in laws like I trust my parents. They are intelligent people and raised 2 kids, but seriously lacking in any common sense. It's always an awkward topic but I just can't trust them.

I'm expecting dc2 and hoping that my parents will be here in time for the birth, otherwise I don't know how I'll cope. I'd rather DH miss the birth!

God, no, I wouldn't leave my DS with them - and I'm really quite lax. PP have had good suggestions for things they can help with, but don't leave DS with them!

I don’t leave my kids with my PILs either. Once I did (a sickly child off school) and my PIL handed my feverish 6 year old a coconut and a bunch of tools and told him to make a hole to get the milk out. I gulped, left and phoned my husband from the car ... he said “what” and “do you know how many times I ended up in A&E as a child???”. I turned round, confiscated the tools and took my sick kid to work.

Hmm, well, I remember doing all those things as a toddler, and my younger brother doing them too when he was about that age.

Hot tea? Probably too heavy, and too hot for toddler hands to hold. As long as someone's ready to take it, then the toddler's just trying.

Champagne? Won't like it so toddler won't drink it.

Grandad's sweeties? Well, they're grandad's, so toddler knows they're off limits.

It's a different way of doing things, and one which isn't followed these days, so the surrounding understanding that I had as a child isn't there.

Yes, I know there were very good reasons not to do those things, and many children were hurt over centuries of doing it, and it's great that mostly that doesn't happen any more, that people's ideas of how to treat children has changed enormously. I know all that.

I'm simply pointing out that there may be reasons why they do those things, which may help you help them see why you don't do it and why they shouldn't.

No no no no no no no no no.

I'm not an anxious mother btw. But "have not killed any children yet" does not make someone trustworthy.

Jux I totally understand what you are saying and I think hope FIL would have caught the tea if ds looked like he was going to drop it and that ds would have understood the distinction of grandad's sweeties. But then I can just picture ds trying to pick up a cup of hot tea another time when they aren't watching him so carefully or going around the house looking for more 'sweeties'.

Another really stupid example - we have millions of really dangerous steps going up to our house and have spent ages teaching ds how to go up and down safely. FIL takes ds's hand and has him jumping and double-jumping the steps. Not terrible but really undermines what we were trying to teach. And naturally the next time ds went down the steps with me, he nearly pulled me over (35 weeks pregnant and not totally steady on my feet) doing a 'double jump'!

My DS was 8 when a 1/4 full pudding bowl of boiled water fell on him.

Superficial burns to 13% of his body, he had 2 operations, 10 days in a specialist burns unit, and he is scarred for life. Only MY actions in the immediate aftermath ( I was right next to him) meant that he didn't need grafts and has healed as well as he has done, had I not acted - and god knows how I knew to do so - the outcome would have been far worse as he would have continued to cook.

It was a HORRIBLE experience. Even the paramedic was traumatised by what he saw. We met up with him this year 4 years after the accident and he has clearly suffered remembering what happened to my DS. Only we 3 know what those burns looked like, I will NEVER forget what I saw that day. It is a bell that can never be unrung.

On this one point alone, you need to be absolutely firm.

the fact that nothing has happened does not mean that it won't. It means that as the other kids get older, it's MORE likely that your little ones will be the one to have an accident.

Your kids have you to look out for them, your PIL are not making safe decisions.

You don't need to preach at PIL, you just need to make alternative plans and decline opportunities to leave your DC with them.

I wouldn't.
Old people sometimes have less awareness of danger.
One young nephew sledged into a tree and sustained a head injury and another fell off a rope swing and broke both his wrists under PIL care. I know accidents can happen but they weren't being supervised properly IMO.
Not worth the risk.

You can't leave him with someone who is so risk adverse.

It's a time when you don't need the added pressure if your DS did have an accident and lets face it, you would be holding your DH responsible as well as his parents. It just isn't worth it.

I've got similar aged Grandchildren and they don't see me taking my tablets. I bought a lockable box and it is on top of my wardrobe. Likewise, so are any scented/Olbas type oils. Are their cleaning products away etc? You hear about children dying in these circumstances and I just think "what is the need to put them in that danger by not putting things away?"

"Old people sometimes have less awareness of danger."

That bit of ageism really wasn't necessary.

Age related declines in cognition may have detrimental affects in situation awareness. It's well documented. So not ageism, just a fact.

YANBU. Why do (usually dad's) think their parents rights to have equal time with their GC as the other GPs trump the safety of their child. Proves time and time again how women put their children first whilst men seem incapable of doing so half the time.

Stick to your guns OP. Imagine getting a call that your DS is in hospital with burns or having taken an overdose. You would be failing to protect him by letting them have him unsupervised. They sound idiotic. My ILs once picked my baby up and took him out in the car seat. I never let them again when I saw their couldn't care less attitude to him being strapped in completely wrong on their return. If they'd had an accident (travelling on fast roads in a car that seemed only a little safer than a cardboard box) DS would have gone flying out of his seat. MIL couldn't have given a shit.

How do you respond when they do these things?

If my MIL does things I don't approve of I just say to her not to do it and why. I think you need to be more direct with them so they realise. For example the steps thing. I would say please don't do that again and that your son nearly pulled you over.

As for driving don't give them a car seat and say under no circumstances do you want him being driven by them.

I should have been clear - when these things happen I am very direct!

Ds never carried the cup of tea because my horrified cry of 'noooooo! Don't give that to him!' stopped everyone in their tracks. And as soon as grandad mentioned his 'sweeties', I jumped in, explaining that they are not sweeties, they are medicine for grownups and not for boys!

Other things I keep my mouth shut - such as the pretend bottom smacking and the bouncing down the steps. I try to minimise my intervention to keep relations with my PIL friendly - we've had minor conflict in the past.

"Age related declines in cognition may have detrimental affects in situation awareness. It's well documented. So not ageism, just a fact."

We don't know how old the GPs are, I'm 50 and have Grandchildren.

It doesn't decline to give a toddler hot water, or teaching them to jump downstairs.

Situation awareness is things like needing to use crossings because your judgement is off. Being over 65 doesn't mean that you are an unsafer as a babysitter than a younger person. You see some young Dads doing very stupid/risky stuff with their children. Being over 65 doesn't stop you being a Foster Carer.

It is ageism to suggest this is an issue because they've lived a certain amount of time.

@Hissy
What a horrendous thing for you all to have had to go through!
OP, I completely understand your concerns! They presumably have the mindset that "It'll be ok, nothing bad will happen", and probably 9 times out of 10, or perhaps 99 out of 100 they'll be right. However...a close family member of mine had that attitude towards letting her DS (two and a half at the time) use kitchen scissors to cut up paper while she saw to the baby. I won't go into gory details, but he has very little vision remaining in his right eye. It's just not worth the risk. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes as smoothly as possible.

Thanks for the flowers FintyTin Very kind of you

Take a chill pill OP, or some of you FIL's sweeties.

You are not being unreasonable, I am a Grandparent, I am horrified at this, there is a world of difference between doing something minor, e.g. a soft drink or biscuit/cake loaded with sugar, yep got knuckles rapped for that, never done it again, and someone behind the wheel of a car/asking for hot drinks to be carried.

FYI all drugs are in a cupboard in the bathroom with a childproof magnetic lock. (never thought I would be doing that again lol)

Older adults are at a disadvantage in a dynamic environment due to reduced attention and working memory capacity and slower processing speeds and reaction times. These decline as we age. It's a physiological process. Statistically therefore I would argue that older people are less risk averse generally, and less safe caregivers.
The point is, if OP has reservations then her responsibility is to her DC well being not her PIL pleasure.

The behaviour you describe isn't something I'd be happy for my child to be exposed to unsupervised. If they want to help, surely they can do other stuff for you? Housework? Laundry? Cooking?

A friend of mine told her adult children she'd do anything to help them but please don't ask her to look after their children, scrubbing the kitchen floor was infinitely preferable.

I would actually love to know what granddad's 'sweeties' are! He had a whole fistful of them... I am guessing that they would leave me feeling very chilled!

It's nice to hear from most people that I am not being a controlling lunatic.

Unfortunately I don't think my PIL would help with anything other than childcare as MIL has a bad hip and toes and FIL has no domestic capability whatsoever...

Hell no YANBU