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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my parents to our wedding

52 replies

Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 10:40

My parents have been divorced about twenty years , my mum married a horrible controlling agressive man who I wont see, my dad married a lovely woman who does not really want to see us or have us in her house . My dad only visits to see me even though I offer weekends so he can see my two young children he only picks week days when they are at school and then only really visits to drop off biryhday or christmas gifts , his parenting style is distant at best .my mum loves my kids but travels by bus to visit when she can , but now her husband is moving her too far away for her to visit ad neither of us drive and I dont want my children in her husbands house . My friends have always been there for me as have my partners parents who are amazing . I want to invite his parents and my friends but not my parents at all is this unreasonable? . My dad also said when children get to a certain age he does not know where to look talking about me and my siblings growing up. Suppose I feel angry for their lack of help and care .

OP posts:
NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 30/01/2018 10:45

Your wedding your rules. Sounds very similar to my PIL. could you invite your mum but make it clear that the offer isnt extended to her husband? We would have had to do this at our wedding as step FIL is an awful man. Sadly MIL was deceased by the time we got married so we never had to enact it, but we would have done.

Screaminginsideme · 30/01/2018 10:48

Nope it’s your wedding do what makes you both happy and did anyone else!

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 10:49

Thanks thats sound advice yes would like my mum there but without him suppose it depends if they move before wedding or not

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 30/01/2018 10:52

Do what makes you comfortable and happy. I was talked into a few things re. guests for my wedding, and I've always regretted not sticking to my guns.

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 10:53

Thanks screaming think I will do , my partner thinks it would be too secretive to not invite my dad as it may pop up on facebook as so many friends coming it may slip out a photo or something .

OP posts:
Winteriscoming18 · 30/01/2018 10:53

Strange to say your df married a lovely woman but she doesn’t want you in the house odd description of someone who is restricting your relationship with your df. Could you just invite your dm?

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 10:54

Was going to lie and say we eloped

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/01/2018 10:57

It's never unreasonable to choose who to invite to your own wedding. They have both been awful parents, who haven't prioritised you at all.
That said, if you did want them there, but not their partners, you could invite mum and dad but make it very clear the invitation is for them alone. I suspect they won't come.

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 10:57

I know she acts lovely but awkward around us have tried to visit but it was so awful felt very uncomfortable the whole time my dad says she does not like people as a whole but she plays a good poker face I think , always buys my kids nice clothes for birthdays ect but does not want to know them

OP posts:
Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 11:01

Thanks I wannasee , think my partner feels weird that im inviting his parents but not mine he thinks they may feel left out with lots people our age and then just them . My dad walk me down the Isle will never happen I feel very uncomfortable thinking about that ,plus sod him he does not want to be involved so why should he be there to upset me ?

OP posts:
TournesolsetLavande · 30/01/2018 11:03

my dad married a lovely woman who does not really want to see us or have us in her house

What's lovely about that? Confused

Or were you being sarcastic?

HollyBayTree · 30/01/2018 11:04

Have you tried to make a friend of your step mother? You may not like her, but respect his choice, he's done nothing wrong, and neither has she by reading your post.

Do we not read every other thread on these boards with the caveat "I have social issues/anxiety" ? Cut her some slack. What has your dad actually done to offend you so much you would hurt him so much and not invite him to your wedding?

Your mother hasnt really done anything to offend either apart from choose a husband you dont like and prepare to move house. In your post you say she loves your kids, (and presumably you too) why would you dish such hurt to people and exclude them?

TournesolsetLavande · 30/01/2018 11:05

You don't need to invite you dad but it would be a shame not to invite your mum. Is there any way she could come alone?

TournesolsetLavande · 30/01/2018 11:08

Do you not really want your dad there at all, or is it just his wife that's the problem? It's sounding to me like you should perhaps invite both parents but explain no partners due to awkward relationships and very limited numbers. If they choose not to come on that basis then that's up to them.

Sounds to me like your Dad won't want to come and your mum might not be allowed to.

Feb2018mumma · 30/01/2018 11:17

I didn't invite my dad to my wedding, had to pick 20 guests and as I explained to my little sisters who were quite upset he just didn't make the cut! Not that gifts ect count for everything but I explained to them for my father to not send me so much as a birthday or Christmas card for over 10 years then expect to come to my wedding over my sisters pils who have had me and hubby for Christmas multiple years and always send us cards/gifts ect. He was upset but understood that he wasn't as close to us as others! Hopefully your parents will understand too, I think it's easier to say no with small weddings too?

LagunaBubbles · 30/01/2018 11:32

Have you tried to make a friend of your step mother? You may not like her, but respect his choice, he's done nothing wrong, and neither has she by reading your post

What apart from the fact Dads wife doesnt want anything to do with OP and her kids and wont have them in her house?

My DHs Dad married someone similar. Thank fully her children are now adults and can choose to have a relationship with us. Shes super religious and the fact my DH exists is a big part of it as she cant bare to think of her husband being a divorcee and having a life before her. My DH has huge issues because of it all as you can imagine. We and our sons arent welcome in her house either.

Basseting · 30/01/2018 11:32

Id invite exactly who you want.
Don't feel bad.
Don't feel you have to lie about eloping.
They can come or not.
I hope your Day goes well. You only get one shot at it!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 30/01/2018 11:36

My dad also said when children get to a certain age he does not know where to look talking about me and my siblings growing up

What do you mean, OP?

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 11:36

Oh god this is a tangled mess I know , my dad paints and recently showed me a picture of a topless lady hed painted that he took down so as not to offend us when we visited their house , he is very close to his wifes thirty ish daughter , she recently gave him her phone he showed me pictures of her in a dress front and back views and has profile images of her face on his phone he was embarrassed when I accidentally saw them , it made me uneasy . Hes done a lot to upset me I hardly ever see him and dont think of him as a father . My parents broke up when I was at college I came back they both moved out the place was a mess my siblings there alone oldest fifteen .

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 30/01/2018 11:37

Was going to lie and say we eloped

That is the only thing I don't agree with. You're an adult, take them for a coffee and explain your decision and reasons why.

sarahjconnor · 30/01/2018 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 30/01/2018 11:40

It's entirely your call who you invite to your wedding, OP. But it sounds as if you would like to invite your DM if she comes without her husband so you should invite her to come on her own. You could invite your DF and stepmum, it's their call whether they come or not. You'll probably find yourself tormenting yourself about whether you should have invited them otherwise.

I wonder if you're protecting yourself from the potential hurt of your DF not wanting to come to your wedding?

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 11:40

OP ? I dont understand that either im still learning the lingo on here took me while to understand AIBU had to Google it

OP posts:
feska5 · 30/01/2018 11:42

It’s your day so do whatever will make you feel happy and relaxed. You want good memories only of your special day. Do any explaining afterwards

Lizzie48 · 30/01/2018 11:44

Cross post there. I can understand why you feel uneasy around your DF. It's entirely your call, maybe you should just not bother with him and just invite your DM, who you do seem to care about.