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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my parents to our wedding

52 replies

Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 10:40

My parents have been divorced about twenty years , my mum married a horrible controlling agressive man who I wont see, my dad married a lovely woman who does not really want to see us or have us in her house . My dad only visits to see me even though I offer weekends so he can see my two young children he only picks week days when they are at school and then only really visits to drop off biryhday or christmas gifts , his parenting style is distant at best .my mum loves my kids but travels by bus to visit when she can , but now her husband is moving her too far away for her to visit ad neither of us drive and I dont want my children in her husbands house . My friends have always been there for me as have my partners parents who are amazing . I want to invite his parents and my friends but not my parents at all is this unreasonable? . My dad also said when children get to a certain age he does not know where to look talking about me and my siblings growing up. Suppose I feel angry for their lack of help and care .

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 30/01/2018 11:44

Your Dad sounds useless and disinterested. But it seems your Mum tries her best, using public transport to visit whenever she can. It would be cruel not to invite her IMO.

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 11:46

Nope think he totally wants to come he told me so when I said we may elope to greece or some wild plan like that , he also said wgen explained I did not want my mums husband there that his wife said she need not come either so he probably would come alone , something inside me feels yucky about that .

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Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 11:52

Thanks stich yes my mum makes the effort now I have children she hasent always been great but trys to visit . Mb you are right invite my mum and friends , it could be the last time I see her if she moves too far away

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Marriedwithchildren5 · 30/01/2018 12:00

Evening invite with a poem asking for money for dad and sm. Invite to the day just for dm.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 30/01/2018 12:37

Why a poem???

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 12:40

Thats good idea married with5 ,i will float it with my partner then maybe he won't feel uncomfortable me not inviting either of my parents . Thank you :-)

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Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 12:41

You know pop one of those cheesy we dont want gift but would love money for our honeymoon poems

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Queenoftheblitz · 30/01/2018 12:46

Simplify this and invite all 4.
Your dad's a bit useless but he still makes a bit of an effort.
Your mum is all right.
The other two - well, enough said. If they come they may actually behave - people tend to behave when other people are around.
Don't sabotage your already weak relationship with your parents because of these two.
You're tying yourself up in knots.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/01/2018 12:56

Are you suggesting you feel uneasy about how your dad looks at you, as in, you think he looks at you in a sexual way?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 30/01/2018 13:01

I think this is the first time on mn I've actually helped and not offended anyone. Literally my day is made Grin

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 13:03

No not a sexual way just feel uneasy not sure why . My sister has previously been upset and I asked her why , she said she did not like the way my dad looked at her . Its like an echo in my head as that happened ages ago but im starting to understand it .

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Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 13:04

So grateful to you married with 5 really you have helped :-)

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Hissy · 30/01/2018 13:14

My parents broke up when I was at college I came back they both moved out the place was a mess my siblings there alone oldest fifteen

WHAT? they moved out - the both of them - leaving your siblings in a house alone, the eldest was 15 years of age????

Your dad looks funny at your sister, and has loads of pics of his DW daughter?

Sweetheart, do whatever you like, whatever you are happy with, you don't have to invite them, you can even tell them why "I don't think either of you as parents are close enough to me to want to include, your respective partners are either awful or totally hostile to us. I'll make it easy for everyone and will just get married with those closest to me"

Hissy · 30/01/2018 13:20

But if you can/want to invite your mum alone, do it - it may cause issues, but I think your mum knows what's what and is just managing the best she can in the circumstances

Lizzie48 · 30/01/2018 13:28

I don't want to project here, but if you're really uncomfortable around your dad, that's for a reason and you should trust your instincts. There is no reason to feel obligated to invite him in those circumstances.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2018 14:03

Noooooo, please don't invite the partners in the hope that they'll behave if there are other people around.

You know what they're like and you definitely sound like you'll have a happier, more relaxed stress-free time planning and having the wedding known they won't be there.

Try to stop thinking about the politics for a second, close your eyes and picture yourself on the day. Your husband, children, dress, the venue, your closet loveliest friends, and then see who else is standing there with you. Trust your gut. It's your defence mechanism.

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 14:15

Thanks for all your views , yes I should trust that instinct . When I close my eyes to think of the wedding I see lots of happy friends and my partners parents my mum may be there but its fuzzy she may have noone to talk to so feel sad . Totally not brave enough to tell them what you said Hissy but its very well put

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RadioGaGoo · 30/01/2018 14:22

I think I'm missing something about your DM? She has been seeing you and her DGC, coming by public transport, but she's now moving too far away to visit? Is that why you don't want her to come to your wedding or is there more to it.

CruCru · 30/01/2018 14:25

OP, from what you’ve said, it sounds as though your father is one of those people who was really keen on you as a child but then went off you or was uncomfortable with you once you became an adolescent or young adult. Is that the case? I know quite a few people who were like that when I was growing up.

RadioGaGoo · 30/01/2018 14:25

Oh wait. Reading fail. Sorry, you don't want her partner to come.

Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 14:30

Have tried to advise her that its too far away and we wont meet and she cant see my kids as she will be relying on him for a lift which I doubt he would give besides I dont want him around my children or me. Also that she will be away from her relatives and friends I dont want her to be shut off , suppose that angered me but I still care about her. Yes I will ask her to come without him if she can she may not be able to he might say no

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Original poster
Fluffycows · 30/01/2018 14:34

Yes cru cru thats totaly it , he even admitted that to me that suddenly there were all these people in his house that's us by the way his children he means three of us grown up , he used to come back from work and stay in the shed in the garden all night while my mum sat with us and we watched tv that started about high school age

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RadioGaGoo · 30/01/2018 14:47

Oh. So you are angry that your Mum will be moving away.

Whilst that's disappointing for you, isn't it what she wants to do with her life? She will still make trips to see her GC, although not as frequently, and I am sure you could all meet somewhere sometimes, to make a nice day of it.

It seems pretty harsh to think about not inviting her to your wedding because she wants to move house.

RadioGaGoo · 30/01/2018 14:48

Sorry, all meet halfway sometimes.

CruCru · 30/01/2018 14:59

Well, I can understand that would be hurtful.

You know what? Do you feel good about your parents? Do they make you feel good about yourself? If the answer is no then don’t invite them.