To feel sadness whenever I go on a council estate?

[TheHolyToast]

I was brought up on a huge council estate. It was the happiest time of my life. I used to play out with all the local kids, every night after school and every day during the holidays. The older kids taught me how to ride a bike and i still remember the feeling. The ice cream man used to come around and the siren sent all the kids running to their houses for money. The neighbours thought nothing of feeding kids that were not theirs - you'd simply go back to your friend's house and the mum would be like "so and so's bairn is here, put some extra fish fingers in". We would go and explore the local woods, play in the overgrown gardens of empty houses, everyone was happy and carefree. Everyone was friends.

Then my mum remarried into money and everything changed. All of a sudden it was "common" for kids to play in the street and I was sent to organised clubs instead where I didn't like anyone and they didn't like me. I changed school and the atmosphere was different, everyone compared how much their clothes and holidays cost, nobody just wanted to have fun, it was all about showing off what you had. I started playing truant as I quickly became friendless. There was no more playing in woods, no more "sweet van", god forbid you turn up at someone's house uninvited, you'd be sent straight back home again. I hated it and longed for our old house.

Anyway, 25 years on and I'm a community nurse now. I'm often working on council estates and in particular, my old estate. The sun always seems to be out in these areas, like I remember it.

The other day I went into a house that was identical to my old house. The memories started flooding back. The brown corduroy sofa and cheap mahogany furniture, Jackie from next door and the swinging chair she had attached to the ceiling. I started to feel upset but carried on with my work. Then at 3.30 the kids came bursting in, dropped their bags, announced that they were playing out and the mum shouted "make sure you come home for tea, fish fingers and waffles" then bang. The door shut and I watched the kids running down the garden path with their friends all stood near the gate waiting for them. I ended up quite upset at this point and the poor patient asked if I was ok. I told her her house reminded me of my old house and it was bringing back happy memories. She laughed and said "you lived around here? I thought all you nurses were posh? Surely you can't miss living on here??!" But I really, really do.

Money doesn't bring happiness does it? I feel it's ironic that throughout our lives, the focus seems to be on improving our financial circumstances yet the happiest time of my life was when I was at my poorest.

AIBU to pine for this stuff when it everyone else's eyes, we were just another poor family claiming benefits on a council estate?

I think the romantic views of deprivation and poverty are dangerous actually. As children we aren't all able to see the everyday difficulties of that kind of lifestyle.

I grew up on a reasonably large South London council estate. Certainly playing out with my friends was lovely, we were welcome at our friends' houses uninvited and there was a really feeling of fun when we ran around.

But the background to that (for me) was desperately staying out because my house was unbearable owing to horrible arguments about lack of money, no money for anything except food. Being sent to ask for credit at the local convenience store because my mum didn't want to. Dysfunctional family relationships, inability to pay for school trips, hand-me downs of poor quality and the distinct awareness that the stairwell in my block of flats smelled of piss and this wasn't 'normal'.

I remember the friends and the fun parts as clearly as I remember being desperate not to live there and wish I could escape. I left at 19 and vowed never to have to go back.

I think we all have childhood nostalgia and sometimes we look back with rose tinted glasses on.

What you're actually missing is a community feel (what Bevan felt council estates were for - he wanted the doctor, working man, and clergy living together). Not the poverty your patient probably experiences.

I had all those experiences in my parents mortgaged house , We now live on a council estate and I do have nice neighbours my kids play out etc but i think I'm lucky with my neighbours I don't think your memories are limited to council estates and tbh I think you are being a bit patronising ,all those wonderful salt of the earth people living in council estates ,some are great some not so much

dealing with the sociopath-economic that adults face

I can't tell if that's a typo or a frighteningly accurate term to describe an economic climate that scapegoats the poor.

OP, my upbringing on a council estate sounds identical. I would add that there were also aunts and uncles and cousins up the street or round the corner. My father was always employed though, in one of those 'job for life' industries that don't seem to exist much now, so we were spared needing to claim benefits. Having said that there was no spare cash for luxuries and no holidays. We didn't have a TV until I was 18!

I do feel nostalgic for that close-knit community, dotted here and there with relatives. It's a sense of real proper belonging.

I didn’t live on estate but you have described my childhood. I lived in a place where there was loads of playing out, in each other’s houses etc. I had aunties who lived on the street. ( obviously not real!) it was simpler times. I live in a middle class area and the restrictions on children are ridiculous. I give my children freedom. My kids best friends come over and treat it like a second home.

My childhood was a bit like this, yet we didn't live in a council house (though many friends did). We'd play out after school with our friends and return for tea, but I don't remember being able to just turn up at someone's house and be fed, people just didn't have spare food like that, for a start very few had freezers to keep it. Yes, older kids would help you learn to ride a bike, but they also showed us how to smoke and drink and there was more than a little sexual abuse going on that was quietly ignored. Other people's mums could be lovely, but most dads were aloof and slightly frightening, can remember many times seeing a friend being punished with the back of a hand or fist.

OP, my parents were very middle class but they were also quite unwell for much of my childhood meaning that I was left roaming around unsupervised a lot of the time.

I don’t have the same memories you do. Packs of children without any sort of adult input often don’t end well: if this wasn’t the case for you, great, but bullying, fighting and the like often happens. (That’s not to try and say children should never play without adult supervision - they should - but I don’t think law of the jungle works well either.) Sexual predators were a big part of my childhood: the “funny men”we were all advised to avoid, who would spring up at fairs and parks and other places children played away from adults. Road safety is a big issue. In my primary school class three children were “run over”, one fatally.

Yes, I am a firm believer in children being outside, playing, enjoying the fresh air. At the beach, in the woods, at the park. But not charging round the streets unsupervised. I think it’s really irresponsible parenting, and as someone who does live somewhere where kids congregate (teenagers really) I’m not being an arse when I say it is actually really disruptive and miserable to live next to.

Ifailed

Same.

SOCIO! Socio-economic. Fucking autocorrect!

Its interesting but i don't think having a carefree childhood is related to wealth at all. i grew up in what we would call a comfortably off family in a city, we owned our own house went on holidays etc however i remember my childhood with great joy because we had so much freedom. my brother and i were very close in age and we were frequently left unsupervised so we would go on little adventures, mess around piling up furniture to make dens, digging holes in the back alley or cycling round the local streets with friends who loved nearby.

My parents split when i was 11 and my dad rented a number of houses nearby some were grotty but one in particular had a massive garden and was in the country so we would have amazing times there, stealing my granny's mobility scooter to rise up and down.

Perhaps coming from an affluent family means that you have more expectations put on you and maybe as a result have a stricter upbringing with less freedom. Us three children did OK in school but we could have done better. Our parents never put any pressure on us to work hard or go to organised events so we perhaps got the best of both worlds in terms of happiness and freedom versus boundaries and prospects. All three of us were dyslexic to varying degrees and actually my brother who had it the worst has now come out most well off and travels the world weekly with his job that he loves. My sister and I did OK but have yet to have a proper career as yet. we did all manage to get degrees somehow:)

Well I live on a council estate and can't wait to get away from it once the tenancy is up. Police are here at least once a week but usually more, high level of drug crime and violence, which is brought out onto the street, which my son has witnessed. The only positives is my son has lots of space to play on the green at the front.

I'm guessing you had a secure and loving upbringing? a pretty regular childhood with lots of fun most of the time. That's what you are missing.

I grew up with extremely well paid parents but alcoholism and MH issues were in the mix. My childhood was very unhappy, we lived in a huge house that had servants quarters attached. I found myself living the life of a poor child unnecessarily because they spent all their money on alcohol.

Regardless of it's a hovel or a palace it's the people around children, that make a childhood good or bad.

OP...I "went back" after a childhood like yours and then 15 years in London working in the media and it lasted ONE year.

DH and I moved back up North to the area where I grew up and to be fair, we did feel a closeness with our neighbours and their kids but we didn't gel so much with the drunk lads or the agressive drug addicts.

We left after a year and now live in Oz where we've found a sort of happy medium.

Oh OP, I'm due AF and feeling very hormonal and this just made me well up.

I remember all too well exactly what you are describing. I really miss the feeling of knowing everyone around you, knowing you can walk outside and there will be someone you know and like there, just there, all the time. You knew all the neighbours, all their families. All your family lived nearby. As did your friends! Always outside, eating wherever you ended up, not coming in until it got dark. I remember even then, there would be groups of men (it was only men back then) sitting out in the streets having a drink in the sunshine. And you would play round about them. But it was okay, because they knew your dad and your uncles, and you knew them.

My dad is a painter and decorator by trade. We never had a car until a bit later, but dad ALWAYS had the works van. He used to drive us around in the back of it! Even to this day, the smell of paint and work men makes me smile. I remember mum and dad telling me they were so poor, that mum bought dad trainers for work that were 2 different sizes, because they were mega cheap. He used to try and position his feet so no one could tell. I can also remember, my brother, sister and I being told we had to share a bag of candy floss at bonfire night because my dad could only afford one. He ended up buying us one each, but I wonder what that cost him :(

All this was lovely living on a council estate, until I turned 16. It went dark all of a sudden. My next door neighbour was killed. He was 15, and was stabbed. By another one of those boys who used to run around and play with us on the estate. Things turned ugly pretty quickly. By this time, we had moved from a flat to a house on the same estate, and my parents had taken advantage of right to buy. They sold up, and we moved to a private estate on the other side of the town.

I remember the early years on a council estate mostly fondly. But not the later years :(

But then, I was 16. And it started getting really dark

Rose-tinted glasses or what?! Some people will have a wonderful childhood growing up in a council estate (or indeed any other place) and others won't. You can't generalise. Great that you had a good experience. Others won't have been so lucky. Totally depends on family circumstances and the specific area.

I think it’s a societal thing. I had a MC upbringing in SW London & all the kids would play out on the street or around each other’s houses.

As a young child I loved the community feel of the very poor estate I grew up on. Yes all the kids played out, and there was always someone to play with. And I knew everyone on the street. I do think kids miss out these days.

That random last sentence, I don't know what happened there :/

Also, one of the girls that used to play with us when we were younger got out quite quickly, but only to a similar estate in the next town. But now, she is a model earning a fortune in Australia. Glamour model, I think, we're still in touch. I still remember eating tinned burgers and super noodles for dinner in her house :)

OP you're right that it's a sign of the times. I was born in the late '80s, my sister is 5 years older, and "playing out" was a daily feature on our street all summer. We'd all drag various toys outside, and spent all our time drawing hopscotch squares, playing skipping games, etc. We also all used each others' gardens, and often drifted in and out of each others' houses, and there was always at least one mum standing on the doorstep chain smoking keeping a general eye on things. I'm not sure exactly when it stopped but I was one of the last ones, and it simply doesn't happen any more. My sister's lot had a full gang, and there were a couple of younger hangers-on like me, but by the time I was in secondary school it had all completely stopped.

It’s definitely the community spirit you are missing, and the simple care free feeling.

As someone else said you were a child. Kids just accept their lot in life. You were little and young enough to play in the street.

Your mum married into money when you were very young so you escaped.

I didn't.......

Imagine being a teenager and being embarrassed of your clothes because you have to wear what it there and not what you want. I was embarrassed to run into school friends on weekends as sometimes I was still wearing the school summer dresses as I had no clothes.

I went to university but got into crippling debt as I had financial support from family in fact my mum kept moaning about money and I kept sending her cash from my student loan

I never felt I had any financial support and mum threw in my face at 18 that she didn't get benefits for me anymore so she wasn't obliged to keep me anymore. Where was I supposed to go.

You have rose tinted glasses on.

Young children don't notice. Being an older child or adult and poor is shit.

• no financial support

I had a very similar childhood even though we did not live on a council estate. It was the way everyone lived in the 60s and 70s. Then I think life moved indoors largely due to the growing number of road traffic accidents and exaggerated fears of stranger abduction.
My DC were partly raised abroad and life there was very similar - children walked/cycled to school from the age of 6 or so, they went swimming with their friends, played in the park etc. I think some children in some areas in UK still do this - but sadly not those in the cities.