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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try and convince my son not to restart contact with his father.

55 replies

bailey999 · 29/01/2018 13:08

I am looking for some good advice on how to deal with this situation. Me and my eldest ds's dad divorced in 2004 I left him because he was physically abusive, spent all the money we had on drugs (I got with him when I was young and naive)

Ds had contact to start with but he let him down constantly and was still being threatening and abusive towards me. This made contact very hard, however it continued until ds was about 7 when his father went to prison for domestic violence towards his current girlfriend. I moved away and finally felt free of him. When he came out of prison he took me to court for contact, but when he realised that the court wanted him to have only supervised contact for a while first, he got bored and officially withdrew his application.

My son has been absolutely fine since this, he has turned into a lovely young man, he is 17 now and wants to join the police. My ex moved to a different town and I decided to move back to be nearer my family as I felt safe. Since moving though I have been living in fear of him finding me and have regretted it every day. Last week, my worst fears came true and he turned up at my front door. He didn't cause a scene or anything and left his phone number for my son.

My dilemma is I know my son wants to meet up with him, but I am terrified by this thought. He will be manipulated and introduced to a world that is far removed from our own. (he is a drug dealer, I know this for a fact) his friends are criminals, he would admit this himself. I want to keep him safe and know this is not the right decision for him.

My son says that if I don't want him to see him then he wont so that is my aibu, please help!

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 29/01/2018 13:13

I think your ds needs to decide what to do by himself without any influence from you tbh.

If you tell him not too you will always be the mother who “stopped” him from seeing dad as that’s what you asked him to do.

Your ds is now a young man not a child and he wants to join the police so one would assume he is a level headed young man and he has a right to be allowed to form his own opinion about his father

balljuggla · 29/01/2018 13:21

Tough one. He should be aware that during the recruitment process for the police service there can be a lot of vetting of close relatives (whether in contact with them or not) that may throw something up. I don't know if it would be a massive issue but it might be worth learning more about?
It's natural that he'll be curious about his father, but I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Is he aware of all the bad things his father has done?

Batmanwearspants · 29/01/2018 13:23

He needs to make the decision for himself.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/01/2018 13:24

Sit down and talk to him.

He's 17. An adult, but not quite fully one yet.

Old enough to make his own decisions? If you think 'yes' - then I would think it's your responsibility to give him all the knowledge he needs to make that an informed decision. So if he doesn't know the full story of the history between you and his dad, tell him. Of why he was in prison, of his behaviour in the past.

By saying he will be guided by you, it seems he's reaching out for advice on this. I would tell him everything, honestly. DON'T hold back - you're not 'protecting' him - you're simply not giving him the information he needs to be able to protect himself.

Then say, it's absolutely his decision, but he seems to want your advice which you are grateful for, and your advice would be to wait. Just digest the fact that his father seems to want contact, digest the information you've given him, and ask him to wait a few months before getting in touch - which, like it or not, is a commitment of sorts- he will be back in his life, even if he then leaves again. It's a big step to take.

Hopefully this will then evolve itself - either your son will get more positive about it, or will realise he doesn't actually want to. He won't be acting in the heat of the moment on this sudden, inevitably slightly exciting appearance of his dad.

I think this is reasonable advice to give which genuinely doesn't seek to overly influence him, but allows for the fact that yes, at 17 he would still benefit from help on this.

(This also gives a decent amount of time to see what your ex's reaction is when he doesn't get a reply for a month or so. Because if Mr. Nice is an act, then it's likely that he might turn up drunk banging on about his rights and threatening you... which would be useful additional information on whether contact was a good idea, no? - for both you and your son. You could tell him this bit or leave it out...)

Original poster
bailey999 · 29/01/2018 13:26

Yes, I am worried about the vetting process myself, I was hoping that if he could tell them that he has had no contact with his father since he was 7, that would hopefully mean his criminal record wouldn't have much of a bearing. If he is in regular contact, surely it will be more of an issue. Yes he does know, which is why I can't understand why he even wants to see him.

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 29/01/2018 13:26

I agree. Be honest and discuss how it might affect his application.

Original poster
bailey999 · 29/01/2018 13:31

Ok, he doesn't know everything, but I don't know how far to go. Should I tell him for example that he killed our cat in a rage, which was the final straw for me to leave him? or that when he was little he would stand there crying while his dad was attacking me? I know it's possible for someone to be a good dad even if their not a good husband so I don't want to make it all about what he did to me.

OP posts:
TeasndToast · 29/01/2018 13:34

The way you have brought him up will have a huge impact on how much and what type of contact he has with his father. If he is used to a productive and unchaotic life with ambition, it’s doubtful he will be dragged into his fathers dodgy ways.

Just have a frank discussion with him, let him know your fears, ask that he makes sensible choices about where he meets him, what they do together and who else is there. Stress the importance of him ending contact immediately on a day any drugs or anything dodgy seems to be happening. Be clear about his past behaviour.

Then let him go. A solid upbringing and open communication with you will see him fine. Don’t worry. I expect it will fizzle out once the novelty has worn off for the father and your son will find his doesn’t have much in common with him to be heavily involved in his life in any case.

TeasndToast · 29/01/2018 13:36

And yes 100% tell him everything!! He is old enough and needs to know warts and all. Open honest talks are so good for kids. We don’t do enough of it.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 29/01/2018 13:39

Your DS may be curious about his father. That's understandable. it may well be that they would just meet once or twice

OnTheRise · 29/01/2018 13:42

I'd tell him everything.

I wouldn't want him to begin a relationship with this man without knowing just how awful he really was.

If it makes your son not want to spend time with his father, that's not your problem. You're not responsible for the awful things his father did; and your son needs to know what he's getting involved with if he does go ahead and make contact.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/01/2018 13:43

I wouldn't tell him everything at this age, but I would say, "He did some really terrible things - things he would have been sentenced to prison for if they'd been reported."

It would make it very difficult for him in the police if he was mixing with his dad and those guys.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/01/2018 13:44

Frankly, if he was in the police and was mixing with known criminals when he was off-duty, he'd be seen as a huge risk to security.

PilarTernera · 29/01/2018 13:48

I agree with telling him everything. As pp said, he needs to make an informed decision. Ignorance will not keep him safe. Being able to have an open and honest discussion with you at all stages of the process will be beneficial.

And I do believe it is a process. Whatever the outcome, he will need to come to terms with it. Being able to rely on your support and discuss things with you will help him do that.

pallisers · 29/01/2018 13:49

Should I tell him for example that he killed our cat in a rage, which was the final straw for me to leave him? or that when he was little he would stand there crying while his dad was attacking me?

Yes, tell him everything in as non-dramatic way as possible. He deserves to know your very valid concerns about him having any contact with his father.

hibbledibble · 29/01/2018 13:53

I agree with a previous poster, to counsel him about the effect of contact on his police application. Family members are indeed vetted, and it would be better for your son if they were estranged.

Original poster
bailey999 · 29/01/2018 13:53

Thank you for all your comments, feeling a bit calmer now. I got my mum to ring him, firstly to tell him never to come to my home again, as it was too upsetting (I have got little ones here) and secondly to tell him that my son was considering seeing him but that it would need to be at her house and that she would be in touch with him in a few weeks.

I think he is confused and overwhelmed at the moment (he answered the door) it was a real shock for him, that's why I requested the 2 weeks so that he didn't make a snap decision.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 29/01/2018 13:54

Yeah I tend to agree with what PP have said. You can't tell him not to see his dad but you should 100% tell him everything about his dad so if he does decide to go ahead and meet up with him he knows the whole truth of who his dad is. I would also mention that getting involved with his dad who is a criminal may affect his plans to join the Police if say he was visiting with his dad and his dad got raided by the police in a drugs bust or whatever.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/01/2018 14:00

You absolutely have to tell him everything.

It's his life - he has the right to know. There are huge repercussions.

Imagine for example he re-starts contact. His future children would have this man in their lives.

YES he has the right to know exactly who that person is. Because it is really not about this:

I know it's possible for someone to be a good dad even if their not a good husband so I don't want to make it all about what he did to me.

Killing animals, attacking you while your son watched - that's not 'not being a good husband'. That's about being the difference between a fucking violent animal and a normal person. Your son needs to know, absolutely needs to know, that this really isn't a case of poor husband but potentially good dad. It's a case of fucking violent disgusting animal. That's who he'd be letting into his life.

Charmatt · 29/01/2018 14:02

My brother joined the police and we were all vetted. My brother was asked to declare if he was in contact with members of the family and when he last saw us. The police told him that regardless of what was declared, they would investigate all close members of the family. However what was declared would have a bearing on the outcome. We have a brother who is not in contact with the family and I know he was informed by the police that he would be vetted - he said he had no problems with it.
No one in the family has ever been in trouble, so it made no difference anyway but the police do take it seriously.

eddielizzard · 29/01/2018 14:07

another one who would tell him all the facts. just facts, not how you felt etc. try to leave your opinions out and let him judge for himself.

i would also tell him about the potential risk of not getting a job with the police as well.

he is 1 year away from being an adult. he should know all the facts to make an informed decision.

Pollaidh · 29/01/2018 14:09

He's 17, I think you should treat him as an adult. Say that there were things you didn't tell him before, as he was a child and you wanted to protect him, but that now you want him to have all the facts. Don't make value judgements as you talk, just tell him what happened. Then make it clear the decision is up to him, and you will always be there for him. Also worth saying how proud you are of him. Hearing all this about his dad might make him worry he has 'inherited' some of this. Also mention about the police vetting.

Pollaidh · 29/01/2018 14:11

And I don't know about police vetting, but do know about other types. It's really important that he tells them about his dad, rather than waiting for them to find out.

becotide · 29/01/2018 14:13

He needs to know what this man did.

Goldmandra · 29/01/2018 14:16

You need to make sure he is fully informed and advise him very strongly not to have any contact until he has started his course.

Once he has started his training with the police, he can approach a tutor or mentor, explain that his father has requested contact and ask for advice from them about how to handle it. There will be other police officers who have families with criminal records and they should be able to support him as long as he is open about it.

I wouldn't recommend he sees him at all until he has had that conversation.