To try and convince my son not to restart contact with his father.

[bailey999]

I am looking for some good advice on how to deal with this situation. Me and my eldest ds's dad divorced in 2004 I left him because he was physically abusive, spent all the money we had on drugs (I got with him when I was young and naive)

Ds had contact to start with but he let him down constantly and was still being threatening and abusive towards me. This made contact very hard, however it continued until ds was about 7 when his father went to prison for domestic violence towards his current girlfriend. I moved away and finally felt free of him. When he came out of prison he took me to court for contact, but when he realised that the court wanted him to have only supervised contact for a while first, he got bored and officially withdrew his application.

My son has been absolutely fine since this, he has turned into a lovely young man, he is 17 now and wants to join the police. My ex moved to a different town and I decided to move back to be nearer my family as I felt safe. Since moving though I have been living in fear of him finding me and have regretted it every day. Last week, my worst fears came true and he turned up at my front door. He didn't cause a scene or anything and left his phone number for my son.

My dilemma is I know my son wants to meet up with him, but I am terrified by this thought. He will be manipulated and introduced to a world that is far removed from our own. (he is a drug dealer, I know this for a fact) his friends are criminals, he would admit this himself. I want to keep him safe and know this is not the right decision for him.

My son says that if I don't want him to see him then he wont so that is my aibu, please help!

If your son is serious about the police its a choice between the job or his dad. Its that simple. Even if your son gets in the police while seeing his dad there is a chance he will be targetted by friends of his dad looking for favours. Shit sticks, and if he is known as a drug dealers son he will have a rough ride. Once he has done the job for a year he will understand what a bloody drop kick his father is and how drugs and dv ruin lives. He has a choice to make.

Hopefully your son realises that his sperm donor turning up on the doorstep shows zero consideration of his feelings and shows maximum selfishness. Glad you had a good talk. He will work it out.

"He said that he didn't want to see him, but I felt that he was only saying that because he is aware of the impact this is having on the family"

I don't really think it matters why he Doran't want to see him. You know this man who beat you up and killed the family pet and dealt drugs is no good.

If this I'd hid decision now, key it be so. It's not your decision, it's his. He doesn't really understood letting such a person onto his life is playing with fire. You do. Do don't allow yourself to talk him round.

Your ex has had years to try and find you, years to change, I think your boy is better off without him.

his (your son's) decision.

I would never want him to meet his Dad if I was you. He killed your cat and has committed serious physical violence against at least two people and emotional abuse towards at least three people (including your son).

If he is desperate to meet his Dad then he could do so after the age of 21. 17 is still very young and impressionable.

Similarly if you explain the situation to your son and he relays what you have told him to his Dad then it could jeopardise his and your safety.