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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try and convince my son not to restart contact with his father.

55 replies

bailey999 · 29/01/2018 13:08

I am looking for some good advice on how to deal with this situation. Me and my eldest ds's dad divorced in 2004 I left him because he was physically abusive, spent all the money we had on drugs (I got with him when I was young and naive)

Ds had contact to start with but he let him down constantly and was still being threatening and abusive towards me. This made contact very hard, however it continued until ds was about 7 when his father went to prison for domestic violence towards his current girlfriend. I moved away and finally felt free of him. When he came out of prison he took me to court for contact, but when he realised that the court wanted him to have only supervised contact for a while first, he got bored and officially withdrew his application.

My son has been absolutely fine since this, he has turned into a lovely young man, he is 17 now and wants to join the police. My ex moved to a different town and I decided to move back to be nearer my family as I felt safe. Since moving though I have been living in fear of him finding me and have regretted it every day. Last week, my worst fears came true and he turned up at my front door. He didn't cause a scene or anything and left his phone number for my son.

My dilemma is I know my son wants to meet up with him, but I am terrified by this thought. He will be manipulated and introduced to a world that is far removed from our own. (he is a drug dealer, I know this for a fact) his friends are criminals, he would admit this himself. I want to keep him safe and know this is not the right decision for him.

My son says that if I don't want him to see him then he wont so that is my aibu, please help!

OP posts:

Mix56 · 29/01/2018 14:17

You could also add that had you considered XH as a dangerous influence, both in regards to drugs, violence & illegal income.
Had he wanted to be a decent father & human being he would have taken stock & changed.
& If it hadn't have been potentially damaging for DS, you would have provided contact had XH wanted it, but hasn't bothered for the last 10 years. Showing exactly how much he was concerned.

The thing is, however, he may still want to see this low life for himself.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/01/2018 14:24

Oh crikey OP I don't have anything to add but just wanted to let you know I think you've been a terrific mom to your DS and I'm so sorry that this scumbag has put you and your DS in this position.

Does he know your DS has plans to be a policeman? He may not be so keen on contact if he knows that

OOOOOOOOOOO · 29/01/2018 14:31

I wouldn't tell him everything but I would offer to tell him everything. I think there is a difference.

Your ex sounds like total scum but it is possible that he has matured. Obviously not that much as he is still a drug dealer etc but he may no longer have any violent tendencies. So maybe supervised or safe place type meetings may be ok. If your son is sensible and mature then there would be no reason to worry he would get corrupted by meeting up with your ex.

It might just be curiosity by your son. It might be a one off visits puts some closure to things for him.

It's a tricky situation and I wouldn't blame you at all if you simply asked your son to wait a few years.

Original poster

bailey999 · 29/01/2018 14:38

I wouldn't say my son is mature, he has always been a good lad, never in trouble but I would say that he is definitely not worldly wise iyswim. He is very trusting and innocent, I worry that his dad will go out of his way to impress him from the start, make promises that I know he wont keep, and my ds will get swept away with it all. It is also possible that he may be reluctant to end contact, even if he wants to, as he will worry about hurting his dad's feelings.

OP posts:

SheRasBra · 29/01/2018 14:44

Completely agree with those saying to tell your son everything that happened.

Are you sure that this is just about reconnecting with his son and not about finding a way to exert control over you again? Reluctant to type that as I don't want to add stress to an already stressful situation.

I also think a cooling off period would be good. Test how serious he is and allow your son to digest what you have told him. If your son is really serious about the police is there someone in police recruitment either you or he could talk to, to understand the impact contact with his father could have?

FizzyGreenWater · 29/01/2018 14:47

Your last post makes it extremely important that you a. tell him everything he did and b. encourage him to stop and think first.

Sounds like it might be easier for him never to start contact if he is likely to be manipulated!

Original poster

bailey999 · 29/01/2018 14:50

I am so upset that he now knows where I live, I now have that old feeling back where i don't feel safe in my home. I think I made a big mistake moving back. I actually shook when I saw him, seeing him in court in a controlled environment was bad enough, knowing he now knows where I live is my worst nightmare.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 29/01/2018 14:55

knowing he now knows where I live is my worst nightmare.

Have you logged this with the police?

Tiddlywinks63 · 29/01/2018 15:30

How did he find out where you live? I'd be worried too op, perhaps getting advice from the police on how to be safe might allay some of the fear. If your DS meets him at your mother's then would she be at risk too?

Original poster

bailey999 · 29/01/2018 16:18

He found me because a woman who lives up the street from me obviously recognised me and she bumped into him and told him that we moved in onto her street. (I don't know this woman but it's very possible)

I cant believe this but I was just picking my kids up from school and saw him standing outside the local school to where I live (he must have assumed my younger children go there, but they go to a different school) I drove past, he didn't see me but he must have been waiting for me. He lives in another town an hour away, he only comes back occasionally to see his friends.

OP posts:

JingsMahBucket · 29/01/2018 17:53

Report everything you just posted to the police. Phrase it as you're afraid he's stalking you. He actually may be. There's no reason for him to be hanging 'round a primary school if he supposedly wanted contact with his 17 year old son.

Please log everything with the police. You've been here before. You know what he's like.

HildaZelda · 29/01/2018 18:00

If your DS is really serious about a career in the police force then it is in his best interest not to be in contact with this man. I have a close family member in the police force and they really do significant vetting and background checks on family members
If your son tells them the truth, that his father was in prison but that he doesn't see him and has had no contact with him since he was a child, then they will probably be more understanding.
However if your DS meets up with his father and his father's 'friends' and then applies to joining the police force and is background checked, well his chances are definitely going to be somewhat scuppered.

bastardkitty · 29/01/2018 18:01

So sorry for you. You should tell your son. Not every last detail, but you should tell him that he witnessed the violence and about him killing the cat. You should also be clear about his criminal record so that your son can think about this in relation to his career plans. I think it's a good idea to talk to the police.

Goldmandra · 29/01/2018 18:49

I cant believe this but I was just picking my kids up from school and saw him standing outside the local school to where I live

Phone the non emergency police number tonight and ask for advice. He has form for causing significant harm. You may need an injunction to keep him away.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 30/01/2018 00:24

I’d tell the police what you have just told us. That must be terrifying for you. It’s making me feel worried. I’d tell your son with no opinions or much emotion, but very matter of fact about the abuse and let him make his decision from there. He may still want to see him and I think it’s more curiosity than anything. I don’t know anything about vetting etc but if that’s an issue I’d make it known to him too.

Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2018 01:30

OP I would tell your son everything. Including the fact you are afraid of him and afraid he will endanger your son's career.

I feel it's your son's choice but he could wait until he is 18 to make it or until he is in the training for his future job, to make that choice. And he could choose not to see his father.

I'd really encourage him to wait, it's been a decade already.

I'm sorry this sounds shit.

gluteustothemaximus · 30/01/2018 02:19

There is no such thing as a shit husband and good father. Or indeed a good husband and bad father.

Either both shit or both good.

My son is approaching that older age, and he has a violent father.

When the time comes, if it comes, he will know everything. I highly doubt he will want to meet him, as he’s very protective of my feelings. But who knows.

Just let him know that your advice to him if you were referring to a friend was violent etc would be not to see him. Just because there is a biological link...doesn’t mean shit.

Hope it all works out for you all. I dread this day too.

MrsCrabbyTree · 30/01/2018 03:38

As a previous poster suggested, offer to tell everything to your son before jumping in with the awful details in full.

Two things I suggest.

Write a list of the pros and cons of having contacting with the father. Seeing something in black and white has an impact and also your son can refer to the list at any time in the coming weeks.

Would you son be willing to put off contact for 1 or 2 years? I am thinking that presuming he is accepted into the police force he will be able to see and judge his father with more mature eyes after dealing with less than desirable types.

You and your son sound like you have a great relationship and this will surely stand him in good stead while he thinks about his father. You should be very proud of yourself and your son.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2018 03:47

You need to sit down with your son and tell him EVERYTHING. No drama, no tears, no bashing, just the plain truth. You need to clearly illustrate the dangers and possible consequences of allowing this man into his life. He needs to know the hell you went through to protect him from his very own father. Your son, while almost an "adult", is still just a child, and he may have delusions as to the type of man his father really is.

tillytown · 30/01/2018 08:13

If his dad really is a drug dealer, your son wouldn't pass the police security vetting. I doubt he could even become a PCSO

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/01/2018 08:32

That's probably not true, tilly Even drug dealers themselves can join the police, if they have a good enough story! That has been the case for a few years now!

MrTrebus · 30/01/2018 08:47

Slightly irrelevant but does your son realise he's unlikely to ever become a police officer? Cut backs are massive and applications are always high, soon as his dad's details flag up with previous convictions (and the nature of them) his application will be an easy cut. Sounds harsh but I'm just saying he sort of needs to know that his dad's behaviour has potentially already ruined his life plans, does he want him to ruin them further? If your son is that innocent and impressionable I'd definitely be that mum that stopped their son seeing his "dad" trust your instincts here. Is there a step dad on the scene? Just asking because you mention little ones.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/01/2018 09:05

Has anyone saying his dads possible crimes will definitely prevent OPs DS from becoming a police officer even read the criteria for joining?

Because it simply is not true! A quick Google will show that!

I worked with a lot if students on UPS courses, many of them came from families with multiple criminal charges and convictions... and all were accepted for interview/induction, many got jobs across all of the UPS.

Original poster

bailey999 · 30/01/2018 11:46

Ok so we had a long chat last night, I told him everything that I thought he needed to know and even showed him a copy of his criminal record (this was given to me in court when we went about contact). He said that he didn't want to see him, but I felt that he was only saying that because he is aware of the impact this is having on the family. After a bit more conversation he says that he hasn't thought about him or missed him at all in the last 10 years and that he is feeling confused now only because he arrived at the front door and has kind of brought everything back up. I think as some other posters have pointed out that he is curious more than anything. He is still shocked I think, so I have told him not to make any decisions now.

I told him that if he decided not to have contact now, his dad may well change his phone number in the future and it may then not be possible to get in touch, I asked him how he felt about that and he said that if that happened then the decision would be made and he would be ok with that. He did say though that if he didn't see him now he may have regrets and wonder what it would have been like.

There is a step dad, yes, he doesn't call him dad but he does think of him as his dad, they have a very strong relationship.

In terms of him joining the police he is very keen, he has already completed a week long period of work experience with a police force, and they didn't hold back with what they let him get involved with either, he definitely saw the pros and cons of the job. He is aware of the cutbacks etc, but I would always tell him to follow his dream but to have a back up plan in case he doesn't get in first time, he can always come back to it once he has got some more life experience.

OP posts:

PilarTernera · 30/01/2018 12:08

bailey

It sounds like you handled that really well and had a good conversation.

Keep in mind that his feelings may well change. As you say, he is still shocked.

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