To be furious about what exh seems to be trying to pull?

[Josefine59]

I think my ex is just deliberately trying to cause trouble here...
we have a 15 year old ds together, co parented reasonably up until last year/1.5yr ago. Ex got a new girlfriend when ds was 12. I didn't mind, said I was happy for them and so long as she treated ds respectfully and with kindness all would be well and for a while she did.

However, I do know she is an ex heroin addict. Which isn't a problem so long as she stays clean. Ds came to me 18 months ago and confided in me that he believed she was using and every time he saw her she seemed like she was drunk/intoxicated to some degree. By this point his exh girlfriend had moved into his home (again, fine) but this meant that ds felt he couldn't not be around her. ds doesn't like her when she is high but had previously got on with her v well.

I sat down with exh and said look, I don't want to cause you any issue but if x is using something you need to tell me and we need to figure out the best course of action because I can't just do nothing. I cannot have my son influenced by somebody using heroin and I cannot put him in a position where he is frightened and uncomfortable.

Unfortunately he used this as an opportunity to call me controlling, a liar, cheating slut (I didn't cheat on him in fact he cheated on me but this is what he's believed ever since I got the balls to leave him.) I walked away and tried to open the topic again a few days later because it needed talking about. He flipped again. I got social services involved, contact was suspended for a month but I offered exh to come to my home or take ds on an outing with my sister and her son. He declined to do either. Social services sided with me and advised that it was inappropriate for my son to be around someone who was using, put exh girlfriend in touch with people who can help her with her addiction and since then exh has kept ds seperate from her as SS agree this is in his best interests.

I trust ds would tell me if He was around his dads girlfriend as he does not like her now and finds the concept of drugs very much terrifying.

However my co parenting relationship with exh has slowly died since then.
He keeps letting DS down last minute, eg he promised to take him to an event this weekend just gone and didn't turn up. Ds was very upset about it but as exh hadn't let me know in advance I was unfortunately headed to a work related event myself. I did however bribe my mum to take ds, so he still got to go. But that's not the point. It was exhs promise.
Now he's trying to fill ds's head with shit, to the point where ds is coming home upset telling me he wishes that his dad would stop trying to insult me and just spend time with him. It's ruining contact time and I'm told that exh will go out of his way to change the topic onto me or how unfair I am while ds is trying to chat to him about his friends/aspirations/homework/something cool he did on the PS4.

Now this week exh didn't pay maintanence on his usual day. I hadn't said anything yet but he's handed the entire amount of the next 4 weeks maintanence (not a small sum of money, by any stretch) to ds and told him not to let me have it because I'll spend it on myself. News to me, I haven't even had a basic hair cut for 2 years!

Ds came home upset and has given me the money anyway, and even said if I want to I can buy something for myself. Bless him. But not his choice, or at least shouldn't be. For now I've put the money in his savings jar, he will still receive his usual pocket money (he gets it for helping around the house and mowing the lawn for me) but I just know ex will be raring to tell ds how I've taken all of his money for myself

Aibu to be fucking furious? It seems he's tried hurting ds by letting him down and now has moved to trying to hurt my relationship with him by making him believe I'm an evil gold digger.
I don't believe it'll work but I'm still furious

You do know your dd can make his keen mind up and vote with his feet?

*ds

Yes; I'm aware he can make his own mind up. I think that's certainly where this is headed, but I don't want to suggest that to him. I want that to be a decision he makes for himself.

He probably won't suggest it as he doesn't want to cause you any trouble

GCSE years don't need added stress. I'd make him aware it's an option

Not sure if you are in the UK ( re your ref to lawn mowing att his time of year) but I simply wouldnt be having any truck with cash payments.

Is contact & maint court ordered etc? He's breaching the terms and I'd hold him to those.

I echo the poster who says your son is now able to 'vote with his feet'.

If your DS doesn't like be around his dad (because he's always using it as an opportunity to talk bad about you) could you have the visitations moved to a contact centre where a neutral third party is present then if he is being too much for your son or your son is getting distressed by how he is acting or what he is saying then the third party can step in

I think you've overreacted a bit to the drug issue. No-one wants their child left in the control of someone with a habit, of course. Basic safeguarding and safety and common sense must be observed. But simply being around someone who is using is unlikely to cause damage. I had several friends at school whose parents were addicts, two of whom ended up dying of an OD, and it actually drove quite a few members of our peer group to be virulently anti-drugs. A friend of mine used to act as a self-appointed policeman as a teenager, and go round confiscating drugs in clubs!!

It sounds as though you and your exP need to sit down and have a chat about how to do this as adults. The tit-for-tat behaviour, putting your child in the middle, is likely to be far more damaging than anything else. It's not fair to put a child in the middle of this kind of shit. Your ex needs to stop acting like a juvenile twat, but you also need to deescalate conflict and to maintain an outward respect for your exP in front of your child, even if you are secretly seething.

I wouldn’t knowingly let my child be in the company of a heroin user (not a recovering addict who is clean). The same would apply for an alcoholic or other addicted drug user.

Is your ExH using as well?

You know a cash gift given to your child is his money not yours don’t you?

Any cash gift he gives to a kid with the instructions not to pass on to his mother cNnot possibly be regarded as CM is it agency assssed or not?

Op
Your DS sounds lovely but your ex sounds like a twat.
You are handling this with grace and maturity ( unlike twat features).

Whiskyowl i think you're totally of the mark here. It's the OP's child who first bought up about being around the drug using girlfriend not the OP. The child has said according to OP that it makes them uncomfortable and frightened. The OP i think has acted with great care and thought for the feelings of her child. IMO the OP has been more than fair here. The dad IMO from what the OP has said is being a total prat!!

i would be contacting one of the maintenance agency's and complaining he didnt pay this week/month as he hasnt, he has given DS a shit ton of pocket money!
And whiskyowl seriously? come on, asking for the home to be drug free when the son is there isnt over reacting its good parenting, yes yes we all know people who grew up with parents who used homebake, Horse or meth oh yes and they are ALL well adjusted and have no lasting issues because of it BUT the major thing here is that the DS doesnt want to be around it and really that is all that matters

I think you've overreacted a bit to the drug issue.

I really think the OP isn't overreacting at all.

over reacting? ITS HEROIN! This isnt a bit of weed shes talking about , its heroin... that stuff can do some horrible things including turning you violent etc, its not a small drug.

I don't think she's overreacting either.

Just keep talking to ds. I'm sure he will understand that that money helps fund the house and bills. Why not have a chat about household finances. Chat about how you can love someone but not like their behaviour and make sure that he is aware that it is up to him now how much he sees of his dad. That you will support him in whatever he decides.

Perhaps give him confidence to stand up to his father if he needs to, regarding the conversation topic or anything. As a child he's used to doing as he's told. Help him to understand that now he's growing up, he should be able to assert his own needs more if he wants to and that you will help him cope with any consequences.

I think you have handled the situation very well - as for the person who said you had over reacted about the drug use - WOW just WOW!! Surely any decent parent wouldn't knowingly want children around drugs??

Me personally would give your son the choice - let him know that it is fine if he wants to see his dad but equally fine if he wants a break from him - make sure he understands that if he wants to see him again in the future that is also fine.

Keep up the excellent parenting - sounds like you're doing a great job x

Overreacting to heroin use? Seriously?

whiskyowl

Look, if she wants to use away from my son she's welcome to do so. She can also stay away from my son while she's high. What I'm not happy with is her using around him, which translates to illegal drugs (arguably the very worst kind of illegal drugs) being around my son while he's at an impressionable age. I'm also not happy to deal with exes reaction to my concerns which was to verbally abuse me. Social services agree with me so I'll take it that I'm doing just fine in holding those opinions as a parent, even if I was being wholly unreasonable by backing my son not wanting to be around things he finds frightening and uncomfortable then well... bring on the flaming. Your kid might be happy to be around drugs but it makes mine unhappy. I can live with that.

Ex isn't paying maintenance to me anymore but is instead handing it directly to a 15 year old boy. I don't think that's reasonable nor responsible. If he'd given him £50 for a game I wouldn't even think it worthy to mention.

My first inkling something was up was the missing maintanence payment (usually paid weekly on the same day) then my son comes home after a visit carrying a wad of cash and telling me his dad thinks he should have the maintanence money so I don't spend it on myself, then no sorry I can't regard that as a cash gift no matter your feelings on it.

I have no reason to believe ex is using drugs, but I have little reason to believe he isn't either. So I have no way of knowing.
I will gently tell my son that he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to or doesn't enjoy it but I don't want to push him as I never want ex to be able to spin in that I stopped ds seeing his dad. Maybe I'm being a bit spineless but I've dealt with so much from this man that I really could do without giving him ammunition to use against me

Your son sounds like a lovely, caring young man.
Your exh sounds like an utter dick head who was actually ok until a new woman came on the scene ( this seems to be such a pattern in men’s lives. )
Your son is the only one who is important here and rightfully you are putting him first.
I would sit down with him and ask him what benefits he is getting from currently seeing his Dad at the moment. I would gently let him know that he does not have to see him if he does not want to and that taking a break from visits is an option if he feels that would help HIM.
Since SS have been involved I would advise them that DS is upset at his dad only wants to constantly critisize you when seeing his son and that your son is finding this hard to cope with. I would also advise them of the maintenance money issue.
Then I would head to a lawyer to get a court order for the maintenance to be paid by bank transfer.
Then I would sit down with DS with a movie and 🍿 and sweets 🍭 and a huge glass of wine 🍷 and congratulate myself for having brought up such a lovely lad.
Oh and constantly reassure your son that he has done nothing wrong and he is not to blame for any of this. Although I’m sure you do that already.

What a horrible situation for you both.

But - it sounds like you're a wonderful mum, look how honest and smart and in love with you your son is. What a lovely young man he sounds.

I'm sure you are already but I'd keep him 100% in the loop of everything you've said to his dad, and you two focus on having some nice times together. Maybe spend that 4 weeks maintenance on a day out or something?

It sounds like your son is in no doubt you're awesome, so all your ex is going to achieve is alienating his son.

Feel so sorry for your DS , must be horrible having to constantly listen to his Father putting you down .

Whiskeyowl
Are you on drugs?

Social services aren't actively involved but I can call them if needed.
I am in the Uk by the way but don't worry I'm not chucking him out in this weather to mow the lawn! It was just an example, he helps me with my veggie patch, washes the car for me, tackles the spider problem in the shed every few months. Last week he also helped me put shelves up and carry some donations to the local charity shop (charity shop isn't far and it was too big to go in my v small car) , odd jobs like that. I don't pay extra for chores though like cleaning his room, helping me with washing and general cleaning on weekends because I want him to think of that as just something to be done rather than rewarded for. Works for me and keeps him motivated to get rid of the spiders

I'll avoid court if I can, there are no current orders in place. It's just been advise from SS and SS have advised me on what to do if I feel ex is going against what's best for him (which includes keeping away from a heroin user) which does include court if necessary. As DS is so old I think that's coloured my views a bit too, I see him as heading toward young adulthood and while he still very much needs me to have his back most of the time I do also think that the court room is best reserved for young kids that can't make decisions for themselves and so when the parents disagree the system can step in.

Think I should have a chat with ds about what he wants. I've always said he can talk to me about whatever and he is quite open with me but in the last few months this has deteriorated to the point where ds comes home upset after every visit and I don't think that's fair or beneficial.

No advice but wanted to say well done for raising such a wonderful young man xx