To be furious about what exh seems to be trying to pull?

[Josefine59]

I think my ex is just deliberately trying to cause trouble here...
we have a 15 year old ds together, co parented reasonably up until last year/1.5yr ago. Ex got a new girlfriend when ds was 12. I didn't mind, said I was happy for them and so long as she treated ds respectfully and with kindness all would be well and for a while she did.

However, I do know she is an ex heroin addict. Which isn't a problem so long as she stays clean. Ds came to me 18 months ago and confided in me that he believed she was using and every time he saw her she seemed like she was drunk/intoxicated to some degree. By this point his exh girlfriend had moved into his home (again, fine) but this meant that ds felt he couldn't not be around her. ds doesn't like her when she is high but had previously got on with her v well.

I sat down with exh and said look, I don't want to cause you any issue but if x is using something you need to tell me and we need to figure out the best course of action because I can't just do nothing. I cannot have my son influenced by somebody using heroin and I cannot put him in a position where he is frightened and uncomfortable.

Unfortunately he used this as an opportunity to call me controlling, a liar, cheating slut (I didn't cheat on him in fact he cheated on me but this is what he's believed ever since I got the balls to leave him.) I walked away and tried to open the topic again a few days later because it needed talking about. He flipped again. I got social services involved, contact was suspended for a month but I offered exh to come to my home or take ds on an outing with my sister and her son. He declined to do either. Social services sided with me and advised that it was inappropriate for my son to be around someone who was using, put exh girlfriend in touch with people who can help her with her addiction and since then exh has kept ds seperate from her as SS agree this is in his best interests.

I trust ds would tell me if He was around his dads girlfriend as he does not like her now and finds the concept of drugs very much terrifying.

However my co parenting relationship with exh has slowly died since then.
He keeps letting DS down last minute, eg he promised to take him to an event this weekend just gone and didn't turn up. Ds was very upset about it but as exh hadn't let me know in advance I was unfortunately headed to a work related event myself. I did however bribe my mum to take ds, so he still got to go. But that's not the point. It was exhs promise.
Now he's trying to fill ds's head with shit, to the point where ds is coming home upset telling me he wishes that his dad would stop trying to insult me and just spend time with him. It's ruining contact time and I'm told that exh will go out of his way to change the topic onto me or how unfair I am while ds is trying to chat to him about his friends/aspirations/homework/something cool he did on the PS4.

Now this week exh didn't pay maintanence on his usual day. I hadn't said anything yet but he's handed the entire amount of the next 4 weeks maintanence (not a small sum of money, by any stretch) to ds and told him not to let me have it because I'll spend it on myself. News to me, I haven't even had a basic hair cut for 2 years!

Ds came home upset and has given me the money anyway, and even said if I want to I can buy something for myself. Bless him. But not his choice, or at least shouldn't be. For now I've put the money in his savings jar, he will still receive his usual pocket money (he gets it for helping around the house and mowing the lawn for me) but I just know ex will be raring to tell ds how I've taken all of his money for myself

Aibu to be fucking furious? It seems he's tried hurting ds by letting him down and now has moved to trying to hurt my relationship with him by making him believe I'm an evil gold digger.
I don't believe it'll work but I'm still furious

I think you've overreacted a bit to the drug issue

I really really don't think she has, and neither did SS. People have their children taken off them for this.

OP are you sure your ex isn't using as well?

Pengggwyn
That’s excellent. Very ascerbic.

OP: I just have to say that you really are not over reacting to the drug issue. I think it's really good that your DS was able to talk to you about it.

As a child I was frequently left alone for long periods with much older drug-using siblings. I just cannot describe the terror I felt. They always terrorised me, but the weird drug-related behaviour, and all the bullying and manipulation around it was far, far worse.

I was never able to talk to anyone about it.

i would encourage your son to write down his feelings on this matter in the form of a letter he doesn't have to post.

You could also offer to support him with a phone call to his dad - ie, be on standby to end the call if you hear his dad beoming abusive.

I would have been deeply disturbed at 15 to be chucked into a situation in which a parental figure is off her head on heroin, and with this in mind, I'd be speaking to the social worker about moving contact to a contact centre, or just ending it.

When my children were using the contact centre, one of the families there were visiting their clearly alcoholic mother. She couldn't be trusted with them alone (I got talking to their dad) but was ok if supervised as she knew if she turned up trashed, the kids would just leave with their dad.

AJosefine50 - as other posters have suggested, I think that @NeedsASockAmnesty meant that if the money given to your son is a gift, you still haven’t received the child support that is due to be paid, and could pursue your ex for payment of this - and he would not be able to argue that he had paid it, because he explicitly told your son not to give it to you, and he must know that child support should be paid to you, and not just ha dead to your son for him to spend as he chooses.

Another yes to Pengggwyn's email.

CMS will probably be the likely way forward to stop him from doing this over and over.

He sounds like a arse and you're definitely not overreacting re the heroin!!

You are not over reacting at all op ive seen someone on heroin it was a friend of a friend it is horrible really scary and I would never want my child around it. I would speak to ss about what he has been doing bad mouthing you and now the money and take there advice. Your ex sounds awful and I'm sorry if his partner is struggling with her addiction but no way would I have my child around her it's a awful drug and people addicted to it do awful things when they need it.

Ds may not know its an option (not seeing his dad) and will also want to know he has your support to make that decision.

I'd also be wondering if exh using too.

And I DEFINITELY wouldn't want my child anywhere NEAR someone who uses hard drugs.

To be honest if I'd been in your position the SECOND I learnt the gf was using again I'd have stopped contact, let ex take it to court and fought every inch for contact to not involve the drug user and to be supervised. In short I'd have gone absolutely apeshit!!

Whiskyowl I think your attitude is dangerously lax.

"No, I just don't come from a nice, stable middle class home like most of you and therefore have a perspective that is rather different." Presumptuous much?! I'm working class from a family stuffed with addicts inc one who died a long slow death as a result of heroin od.

You have a seriously concerning attitude to the whole subject which suggests you either don't have the knowledge you claim or are minimising the impact of your own addiction on others. Very weird posts.

Penggwynn's message is good but even so, as he's clearly now pissing about with maintenance I'd also be getting straight onto cms. No room for him to manoeuvre then. But they can take a while to get their arses in gear.