To be furious about what exh seems to be trying to pull?

[Josefine59]

I think my ex is just deliberately trying to cause trouble here...
we have a 15 year old ds together, co parented reasonably up until last year/1.5yr ago. Ex got a new girlfriend when ds was 12. I didn't mind, said I was happy for them and so long as she treated ds respectfully and with kindness all would be well and for a while she did.

However, I do know she is an ex heroin addict. Which isn't a problem so long as she stays clean. Ds came to me 18 months ago and confided in me that he believed she was using and every time he saw her she seemed like she was drunk/intoxicated to some degree. By this point his exh girlfriend had moved into his home (again, fine) but this meant that ds felt he couldn't not be around her. ds doesn't like her when she is high but had previously got on with her v well.

I sat down with exh and said look, I don't want to cause you any issue but if x is using something you need to tell me and we need to figure out the best course of action because I can't just do nothing. I cannot have my son influenced by somebody using heroin and I cannot put him in a position where he is frightened and uncomfortable.

Unfortunately he used this as an opportunity to call me controlling, a liar, cheating slut (I didn't cheat on him in fact he cheated on me but this is what he's believed ever since I got the balls to leave him.) I walked away and tried to open the topic again a few days later because it needed talking about. He flipped again. I got social services involved, contact was suspended for a month but I offered exh to come to my home or take ds on an outing with my sister and her son. He declined to do either. Social services sided with me and advised that it was inappropriate for my son to be around someone who was using, put exh girlfriend in touch with people who can help her with her addiction and since then exh has kept ds seperate from her as SS agree this is in his best interests.

I trust ds would tell me if He was around his dads girlfriend as he does not like her now and finds the concept of drugs very much terrifying.

However my co parenting relationship with exh has slowly died since then.
He keeps letting DS down last minute, eg he promised to take him to an event this weekend just gone and didn't turn up. Ds was very upset about it but as exh hadn't let me know in advance I was unfortunately headed to a work related event myself. I did however bribe my mum to take ds, so he still got to go. But that's not the point. It was exhs promise.
Now he's trying to fill ds's head with shit, to the point where ds is coming home upset telling me he wishes that his dad would stop trying to insult me and just spend time with him. It's ruining contact time and I'm told that exh will go out of his way to change the topic onto me or how unfair I am while ds is trying to chat to him about his friends/aspirations/homework/something cool he did on the PS4.

Now this week exh didn't pay maintanence on his usual day. I hadn't said anything yet but he's handed the entire amount of the next 4 weeks maintanence (not a small sum of money, by any stretch) to ds and told him not to let me have it because I'll spend it on myself. News to me, I haven't even had a basic hair cut for 2 years!

Ds came home upset and has given me the money anyway, and even said if I want to I can buy something for myself. Bless him. But not his choice, or at least shouldn't be. For now I've put the money in his savings jar, he will still receive his usual pocket money (he gets it for helping around the house and mowing the lawn for me) but I just know ex will be raring to tell ds how I've taken all of his money for myself

Aibu to be fucking furious? It seems he's tried hurting ds by letting him down and now has moved to trying to hurt my relationship with him by making him believe I'm an evil gold digger.
I don't believe it'll work but I'm still furious

Of course the OP hasn’t over reacted to her DS’s discomfort at being around a heroin user. He has every right to see his Dad without having to put up with his Dad’s girlfriend, a heroin user, making him uncomfortable & scared.

Josefine. You’ve clearly done a fab job of bringing your DS up, he sounds lovely 😊💐

He’s of an age himself now where he could father a child (hopefully it’s not a likely event right now, but he’s not a small child), so I hope you explained to your DS that the money is a small contribution to the living costs that you pay because he lives with you (it’s perfectly possible to do this nicely). Explain that when you father a child you are responsible for that child and whilst our system is wholly inadequate, the money is a contribution to a roof over his head, electricity, water, council tax, clothing & food. It’s NOT a gift for DS. Explain that it costs you much more to house, cloth, provide food, toiletries & all the other things you pay for than you get from his father. Just so he understands it’s not ‘used for fun’ AND he understands his own responsibility should he have a baby (I’m an advocate of explaining this to children of both sexes from a much earlier age. Having children is a responsibility, emotionally AND financially).

Your DS seems to have a pretty good grip on what a prat his father is being and he’s not buying into the BS, which is great. What isn’t so great is DS being in that position, poor kid. I’d just say to him that now he’s 15, it’s up to him when and IF he visits his Dad. Tell him that it’s not about you, that you would never want him feel he shouldn’t see his Dad, but that for HIMSELF he can now start to choose how to handle his relationship with his Dad, HE can put boundaries in place (such as telling his Dad if he does/says XYZ he will leave).

I know you want it to be his decision, but he’s only 15 and a lovely sounding lad, he probably needs your go ahead to feel ok about making decisions for himself.

Thankfully (in a way) exes insistence that I spend every penny on myself isn't a new thing.
For example, the social worker he said it to in a meeting did not take kindly to it. Ds is vaguely aware of what it goes to and I have tried to teach him a bit about our/the family budget so he knows what things are more than anything, as I myself left home not knowing you had to pay for water as it just came from the tap, didn't know there was a tv license and so forth. So he does understand the basics of my finances, which is what I aimed for.

It also means he knows that what doesn't go into savings for his future or to feed and clothe him goes on gas, electric or a bit each week into a purpose built savings pot (he had a very expensive trip to llangranog last year which cost me a small fortune and I saved £10 a week out of the maintanence towards that) ex doesn't contribute at all outside of the maintanence so it's the best way for me to make it all work. But I never spend it on me. I actually have a very small (£30 a month) budget for treats for myself, which mostly goes on a takeaway that ds also benefits from! I rent but I know if I squirrel enough away I should be able to gift my ds a small house deposit by the time he's 21, if he chooses to use it for that is up to him but it's what I'm aiming for. So im not out drinking it away every weekend or anything. I have no idea where ex gets his ideas from that I'm wearing designer clothes all the time, driving a flash car (2002 ford ka) but he does have that idea.
Fuck knows, really.

Maybe spend that 4 weeks maintenance on a day out or something?

No. No no no no no. This is money that gets used for housing, electric, food, clothes etc. You do not teach your impressionable teenager that this is FUN money. You just don’t. You teach them the responsibility of bringing a child in the world doesn’t (or rather shouldn’t) end when you decide.

I think Jose should try to get the missed payments through the CMS and IF he has to pay it properly then DS can put the cash his Dad gave him, in his savings. Until then it’s maintenance money, to be used for maintenance stuff.

It’s SO important that kids see this money as a contribution to housing, electric, food etc and not optional or fun money.

Also @whiskyowl I think doing heroin is very fucking different from maybe having a joint every so often!!

I don’t have children but when I do they will never see someone on heroin on my watch. I can’t imagine how damaging and scary it is. Don’t be anecdotal.

Over reacting to drug use?
Wow. Are you still in contact with these friends to see how it has actually had an impact later in life?

I had a questionable upbringing. Smack addicts also involved. Like addicts they were selfish and as long as they had their fix they didn’t care. As long as the fix was had it didn’t matter if I was in the room.

The ops son is clearly bothered by this. Hence bringing it up. And as a responsable adult the op acted to protect her child.

Anyway op. When my child had a relationship with dad who was a flake. Child would talk about things. I let child know once that contact was for their benefit, and
Just like an after school club etc if they didn’t think they were getting anything out of it, they could stop. That I couldn’t
Advise which way to go because
It wasn’t mine or anyone else’s decision, but I would always listen.
It just reinforced it was their choice and they had the right to say no more. And that I would support them no matter what.

As adults they made contact again. It didn’t last because he’s still a flake. They did say they were glad they broke contact because imagine living with the
Time wasted and disappointment for years, waiting for someone who might not show up. Plans they couldn’t make just in case he actually bothered. The sadness of being let down yet again.

You’re a great Mum, DS is very lucky to have you 💐

It’s unfair he’s having to hear all this bile from your Ex, but happily he seems to ses through it, but it’s still not good for him. Definitely talk to him about how to set relationship boundaries, it’s an important life skill. It’s a shame he needs to do this so early with his Dad, but hey, it’ll set him in good stead for romantic/friendship/work relationships.

its £380 so not quite day out money but I'm still not sure what to do with it. Ex normally pays £95 a week. Rounds it up to a hundred if he's feeling generous (then tell everyone who'll listen he pays over the minimum legal amount )

For now it's in Ds's savings jar, he has the bank account I save in for him, a specific jar which is used if I'm saving for a big school trip or similar for him and then his own savings jar he uses for whatever he wants. Of late, that was extra upgrades for his minecraft game. It's in the latter.
Ds has left the choice up to me which I'm happy about as I think some kids at that age would be out buying stupid things with it because kids can be quite selfish (I was too lol ) but I know full well if I use it for what I should use it for instead of leaving myself a bit short and struggling to do everything ex will be using it against me via ds by saying oh but that money was for you ds why has your bitch of a mother taken it from you so I'm really not sure how to approach that.

Carry on doing what you're doing - ie.being a really good, fair, loving mum. Your son sounds great and will see for himself who is the parent he can rely on.

I had a very similar situation with my eldest ds aged 18 (without the druggie girlfriend) and I have always tried to keep my gob shut and just be there for him. I think he realises we are the ones who are really there for him (me and his stepdad) both emotionally and financially.

Personally I think your exH is behaving abusively to your DS in giving him the money which should be maintenance and telling him not to let you have it. That puts him in an impossible position poor lad. I suspect your SW would take a very dim view of this.

I think you should think hard about whether you need maintenance on an official basis now. If your ex is going to dick around then you need a formal arrangement IMO.

I'd tell the CMS he hasn't paid you. Because he hasn't. I agree, it's a shit tonne of pocket money. Not the child support he owes you as his contribution to your son's costs.

Outsider looking in regarding the money. You said somewhere in your posts you can’t class the cash as a gift to your ds. But by putting it in a jar, you are doing precisely that. In essence, it is your money, not your ds’s for associated costs and potentially for treats etc - although of course you can also choose use it to pay for whatever you like, including a School trip. It sounds very awkward.

As your ex is power playing you, I really do think you should take measures. This is only going to get worse, especially if your ds chooses to stop contact. I agree with what yorkshiremummy said upthread. Wouldn’t it be better to start the process now rather than be chasing your ex once the situation becomes untenable?

As for talking to your ds, I’m glad you’re going to have a chat with your Ds about what he wants to do. He sounds like a far better man in the making than his father.

I would go back to SS actually and tell them about the maintenance - I think you want it recorded somewhere that this is his game now.

But I would also use the money that he's been given for its intended purpose, ie maintenance. Your son already knows a bit about the whys and wherefores, sit him down with the cash and tell him where each tenner is going. Don't leave the household short.

whiskeyowl Have you a actually lost the plot?

No, I just don't come from a nice, stable middle class home like most of you and therefore have a perspective that is rather different.

I am not saying that heroin addiction does no harm. Of course I'm not. It is an awful drug, and I've had several friends lose parents to it at a young age. Of course that does huge damage. However, what I am saying is that those friends were not, I think, in any way at risk when they visited those addict households in the company of another adult who was responsible and sober. What I'm saying is that in my experience, it's possible to manage visitation with a household where someone who isn't the parent is drug-addicted in ways that are safe for the child. Since the OP's partner isn't an addict, and is sober during visits, I don't see any reason to think that her DS is at some terrible risk here. If they were both using heavily during visits, that would be a completely different story.

I don't think addiction is as simple as a model of contagion would suggest. You don't use heroin because you've seen someone using heroin. Of the people I went to school with who had drug-addicted parents, only one turned into a drug addict and sadly she was murdered a few years ago. The others are emphatically anti-drugs. They've been to university, and now work in professional jobs, some with vulnerable people as social workers or teachers, some in IT, some in academia looking at issues of inequality and injustice.

I can't believe how reasonable you are being, op. I would have stopped contact for my DCs the minute I found out that my ex was involved with a drug addict. If your DS is unhappy about his father badmouthing you it is not in his interests to be emotionally abused. If your ex goes to court for contact CAFCASS will back DS's wishes all the way especially where drug use has been involved.

I think you should go to the CMS as maintenance was withheld for no good reason.

Is there any chance that your ex is taking drugs/drinking which has changed his behaviour or has he always been a complete arsehole?

Whiskyyowl the op has said her son is upset and frightened by the gf when she is using. Why would you send a child into that situation? What if she o'd whilst he was there? That would be incredibly traumatising for him. No way would I allow my children to be around a heroin user.

@whiskyowl your friends didn't have a choice. That was their home.

The OP does have a choice. And because she does, the sensible thing for her to do is to not send her son into a situation that would be detrimental for him.

OP, I'd go to SS and discuss what's happening with maintenance with them. At the moment your ex is withholding maintenance.

Your exes behaviour has changed now that he's around a heroin user? I realise you want to keep your son happy and stress free but I'd be looking at a contact centre if not demanding drug tests from the uncaring ex. He's putting his new relationship above his son. Very sad.

Definitely use the money he gave your DS in exactly the way you'd normally do it - if you make up the shortfall in your normal expenses, your ex will spin that to say "look, she doesn't really need it for the essentials".

Never choose your course of action based on how someone might spin it, because if they want to spin, they'll do it no matter what you do. I learnt this courtesy of my ex, who is so blatant it's quite funny (or would be if dd didn't get hurt) - do x and it's criticised for not being y, or do y and it's criticised for not being x.

I think you're doing a good job in a difficult situation.

I think you've overreacted a bit to the drug issue. One of my closest friends was raped when she was 13 YO because her sister locked her in a bathroom with her drug dealer as she wanted another hit and didn't have money, she was a heroin addict- OP is not overreacting at all!

He hasn't paid maintenance - he gave your son a cash gift. I would contact the CMS and get them on the case.

I'd email him that the money is for a roof, gas, elec etc and that it is to be paid to you not DS. If it is given to DS it will be treat as a gift and you will contact CMS for the non payment.

@Pengggwn

That is great!