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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my boyfriend is completely wrong?

75 replies

StormG · 29/01/2018 00:31

Hiya, I'm new to Mumsnet but I've just had an awful few days with my partner and was hoping to see what you all think. I posted to another forum but I think it should have been on this topic

I've been with my partner for almost a year and he isn't the dad of my 2 little ones. He wanted to go on holiday, and for me to find a baby sitter to have my kids for 4 days while we go away. 2 of these days they are in school.

I thought it was quite unreasonable to ask my family to have them, as its a half an hour drive and they need to make 3 trips a day due to different finishing times, they also work, but he thinks they should change shifts or take time off to have them.

He has gone completely crazy over the fact I won't ask for help saying I care more about what my family think of me, than doing something to benefit our relationship. He's also decided my family are awful for not helping more.

Am I being crazy to feel this isn't very fair? My family have never been the type to go away without their kids and I knew their answer would be a definite No.

He almost broke up with me because of it so it's all been quite upsetting.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? blush

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/01/2018 00:34

Thoughts ? Tell him to fuck off.

Allthewaves · 29/01/2018 00:34

Break up with him. He's seeing the kids as an obstacle

Isadora2007 · 29/01/2018 00:35

You’re a package deal. He doesn’t want the package.
Dump him.

Original poster
StormG · 29/01/2018 00:37

That seems to be the general opinion. Grin
He managed to completely twist the argument to make me feel bad, and I felt crazy that he couldn't see my point at all. I don't feel its appropriate to leave the kids during school term to just enjoy a holiday, but he made me feel like I was completely the one in the wrong. Blush

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2018 00:39

Shame, but he's not a keeper.

Bluelady · 29/01/2018 00:40

I suspect he'll disappear when you refuse.

Kerantli · 29/01/2018 00:41

Get rid of him.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/01/2018 00:44

Suggest a date over half term when you can all go away

swan12345 · 29/01/2018 00:45

I wouldn't leave my kids to go on holiday. I'm not dating until my kids are a bit older and independent. I have no interest in doing this dance.

I'd think seriously about his attitude to your kids and the future of your relationship.

Ellisandra · 29/01/2018 00:46

He has no right to "go crazy" at you, you should definitely get rid of him.

But my personal opinion is that it's not inappropriate at all to leave children for 4 days (during school or whenever) in order to put time into a relationship - new or with the children's father. Plenty of people get a holiday without kids leaving parents or grandparents to willingly hold the fort. I also hold the somewhat hypocritical view that at the same time I think parents have no obligation whatsoever to step in, it's really lovely if they can and I think - why wouldn't you, if you can?

In his shoes - honestly I'd be frustrated and disappointed that we didn't hold the same views.

Then I'd either politely break things off as it wasn't going to work for me - or decide I liked you enough to stick with you. I would never go crazy at you, and you mustn't accept that!

But if you meet someone later on who isn't an arsehole, and you have the opportunity to go away and you're comfortable with the idea - please, don't feel guilty - do it!

Sounds like you've had bad luck with their father Sad otherwise you'd easily get time away.

There are better men out there, I promise you. But you won't find any of them if you tie yourself up with the dickhead.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/01/2018 00:46

He’s gone ‘completely crazy’ because you won’t ask people to take time off work to look after your kids, because it’s what he wants....riiiight.

🙄

Run now before you get in any deeper. He’s not a keeper.

Original poster
StormG · 29/01/2018 00:47

It really panicked me because it's so out of character. It just came out of no where. I knew he wanted to travel but I didn't realise he valued that more than me. My kids go to their Dad's every fortnight and we get more free time than the average family unit. He said if we don't get more than 48 hours together then he's going to struggle...He's been such a good step dad to my kids and honestly a completely overwhelmingly lovely boyfriend. we went on a family holiday just last November. I just don't even know where it has all come from. Today he stopped speaking to me at 5 and his Facebook's been deleted. It's all just so strange.

OP posts:
swan12345 · 29/01/2018 00:47

Not that I meant to imply you shouldn't be dating! I just garbled that post. :)

I don't have the energy to be torn in three directions is all I meant, and I'm focusing on work and my kids for now.

thegreatbeyond · 29/01/2018 00:48

Ugh. Get rid, he sounds horrible.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2018 00:48

My only thought is that your boyfriend is a stupid, selfish, unrealistic, TOTALLY unsupportive asshole. Is this really what you want for your life? Tell this dickhead to go on his previous vacation and then Fuck off.

Crispbutty · 29/01/2018 00:49

A weekend away maybe when they could easily stay with grandparents (assuming said grandparents were willing) yes but 4 nights which would also massively inconvenience the people minding the children is a big ask and bloody cheeky. He’s a dick.

If he’s being like this about your kids now it doesn’t bode well for the future. He doesn’t see you as a “package”. What happens if you were to have his child. I can see a man here who would treat his own child better than the ones that aren’t his.

He’s not a keeper.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2018 00:50

*precious. Sorry.

Ellisandra · 29/01/2018 00:51

Ah - I take back about their father, I assumed from his reaction that you were getting no time off!

He's an arsehole, get rid. But future boyfriends... if my kids' father wouldn't have them for 4 days whilst I took an occasional mini break, I'd find that pretty poor.

He really shouldn't be a good stepdad to your kids when you're a year in though. Fine to have all met and holidayed, but his role this early on should be a walk on bit part (almost non speaking!) as mum's boyfriend. He is not a stepdad.

thegreatbeyond · 29/01/2018 00:51

He's deleted his Facebook to threaten and manipulate you.

Get in first and call time on it.

Crispbutty · 29/01/2018 00:52

“..He's been such a good step dad to my kids and honestly a completely overwhelmingly lovely boyfriend.”

Blimey, you have only been together a year. He ISNT a stepdad nor should he want to be or you let him. Sounds like this relationship has moved along far too quickly and rightly or wrongly he feels a bit trapped by all the “family” life.

You really don’t know a person properly in a year. I’m sorry but you don’t. The first few months are all loved up and the reality is only just kicking in at the one year point.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2018 00:53

He's been such a good step dad to my kids

Hmmmm. 'Step dad" after less than a year with small children? Next time take it much slower. Because they are young and don't need upheaval. By all means date but this kind of thing can happen when you move the relationship between the kids and the man forward too quickly.

Original poster
StormG · 29/01/2018 00:56

sorry i didn't know what term to use. I just said Step Dad because I didn't know what to write.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 29/01/2018 00:57

"He's been such a good step dad to my kids".

How? He's been with you for less than a year, so (unless you introduced him to the children straight away) he met them substantially less than a year ago!

That's not a step-dad ... that's a man that's still getting to know your children and, now that he is getting to know them, he's showing his true colours!

Not such a great step-dad after all?

Dump him before he dumps you and, next time you meet someone, don't be in such a haring hurry to play happy families.

Ellisandra · 29/01/2018 01:01

You just say "he's been fine with my kids".

It helps if you give the full story too. You've posted the same OP on relationships and said that part of his anger was because you told him you'd speak to your parents and sort it when you had no intention of doing so.

He's still a cock, you should still dump him.

But I'd be angry if my boyfriend lied to me about that too.

Difference is I'm not an arsehole, so I'd ask you calmly about it, then be mortified that you lied because you felt pressured by me. I'd apologise and we'd move on.

Or, I'd decide that this wasn't for me, and politely break things off.

If he gets back in touch, ignore him or tell him it's over. No good comes of being with a man who does the Facebook blocking thing. Shit.

Ellisandra · 29/01/2018 01:01

And this isn't "out of character" at all. This is his character - you just didn't get a chance to see it before!