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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my boyfriend is completely wrong?

75 replies

StormG · 29/01/2018 00:31

Hiya, I'm new to Mumsnet but I've just had an awful few days with my partner and was hoping to see what you all think. I posted to another forum but I think it should have been on this topic

I've been with my partner for almost a year and he isn't the dad of my 2 little ones. He wanted to go on holiday, and for me to find a baby sitter to have my kids for 4 days while we go away. 2 of these days they are in school.

I thought it was quite unreasonable to ask my family to have them, as its a half an hour drive and they need to make 3 trips a day due to different finishing times, they also work, but he thinks they should change shifts or take time off to have them.

He has gone completely crazy over the fact I won't ask for help saying I care more about what my family think of me, than doing something to benefit our relationship. He's also decided my family are awful for not helping more.

Am I being crazy to feel this isn't very fair? My family have never been the type to go away without their kids and I knew their answer would be a definite No.

He almost broke up with me because of it so it's all been quite upsetting.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? blush

OP posts:
Original poster
StormG · 29/01/2018 01:02

I wasn't in a hurry to play happy families, as I pointed out I didn't have the correct words. my mind had gone blank,

Good with the kids* That would have been better

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 29/01/2018 01:05

Does he live with you? Hopefully not as he sounds very selfish.

stopbeingadramallama · 29/01/2018 01:11

Hopefully he doesn't live with you.

I'd say bin him but he'll get bored soon and run away anyway.

Original poster
StormG · 29/01/2018 01:12

Yeh I couldnt find my old post to copy and paste it on. this is my first mumsnet thread. So haven't got the hang of it yet

I would obviously love my parents to offer to have them more. I also don't think it is there job to do so. They're my kids. It's not their job. It'd be nice but it is what it is.

I didn't want to let him down. I spoke to my auntie (my usual babysitter) about the situation and she thought it was a really big ask. Shes quite chilled and easygoing when it comes to helping me out.
Just had it confirmed how cheeky it was to ask Blush

OP posts:
MexicanBob · 29/01/2018 01:36

Have nothing further to do with this guy. He's not worth the bother. From the evidence so far, if you do try to make a go of it he'll be a shit step-father to your DCs.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 29/01/2018 01:48

Let him break up with you - Tosser!

Whiterabbitears · 29/01/2018 01:54

He knows you have kids so their needs come first, most parents can't go away during term time that's fairly normal. He either gets used to stuff like this or you you need to show him the door.

DreamyMcDreamy · 29/01/2018 01:55

My kids go to their Dad's every fortnight and we get more free time than the average family unit. He said if we don't get more than 48 hours together then he's going to struggle...

Whaaa??? As a parent you get a weekend off every two weeks and it's still not enough for him? Am I reading correctly?!
Let him either see the light that you're not hard done by or let him struggle.. if he still feels he's hard done by you're better off without him and I don't say that lightly.

Graphista · 29/01/2018 02:26

Is he already living with you and the kids? And you've not even been together a year?

So in November when you went on a "family holiday" you'd been together less than 9 months?!

Seriously, every time I read this on threads I wonder wtf the mother was thinking (and yes if it was a father I'd think the same!)

Too much way too soon.

And I agree this guy has no interest in being a father he's tolerate the DC because he likes you but beyond that he doesn't give a shit and sees them as an unavoidable obstacle to your relationship.

I'm sure if you look back over the whole relationship you'll see there were other indications of this.

Get rid. And next time you meet someone move much slower for your DC sake but also yours.

HadronCollider · 29/01/2018 02:39

The thing is the 'family unit' thing is waaaay too soon. I think he is trying to tell you that he doesn't want it to always be about the children, which is immature, I can only assume he does not have children of his own.

He sounds too immature to be in the role of a 'stepfather' for very long. I do not think he is a keeper if he cannot grasp that the practicalities of the children must come first and not everyone can be drafted in to provide babysitting for several days at a time. Even if they are family.

Finding someone to share your life with as a single parent is not easy. In future perhaps consider men who have children, or come from a large family and understand the trials that come with children.

Sorry this does not seem to be working out.

Cheesenacho123 · 29/01/2018 03:00

Think he needs to realise that the kids come first. Tell him you can go when they are at their dads or they go with you. You could have perhaps gone for a night or two but four days is a very big ask for anyone looking after them other than you or their dad.

ohtheholidays · 29/01/2018 03:09

It is a very big ask OP,does he not have any children of his own?

Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt maybe he doesn't realize just how different your life is when you become a parent but he should never had a go at you or try to make you feel guilty about the fact that you haven't got babysitter's on tap,I mean who has?!

My DH not to long after we'd got together was planning on taking me to Venice,I had 4DC and he had none.

He wanted to take me for my birthday and when I said what about the DC I'd have no one to look after them he was mortified that he'd thought it would be so easy for me to just get away,but the difference is he went bright red and kept apologizing for about a week after bless him and then when my birthday came around he'd planned a lovely weekend for all 6 of us that he'd got the children involved with.

That's the kind of reaction you need not someone having ago at you over something you have no choice about.

RebootYourEngine · 29/01/2018 05:42

It all sounds like its a case of too much too soon. Please say that he doesn't live with you. This kind of thing frustrates me so much. You can date without involving the children. I have been seeing a guy since the summer & my ds doesn't know a single thing about it. Slow and steady is better.

Stella60 · 29/01/2018 05:53

He sounds manipulative and that tends to get worse not better.

Shockers · 29/01/2018 06:02

My guess is that he thought he’d have more of you on the family holiday, so wants to redress that by going away as a couple.

The thing is, you’re never going to be just a couple, are you? You already have a family unit with your kids.

It sounds like he’s made the decision for you, but if he does get back in touch, it’s probably better to tell him it’s not working. Next time keep things separate for longer though.

I’m not judging; I spent 7 years as a single parent who dated. It’s often difficult to compartmentalise your life, but you do seem to have the support there to do that.

zen1 · 29/01/2018 06:19

From what you have said, I'm afraid he is going to be the kind of bloke that wants you to prioritise him above everyone else in your life, including your DC. He is already sulking because he has not got his own way. I think you should finish with him.

Youngmystery · 29/01/2018 06:19

I know of couple that does this most weekends. They decide to just pass teir kids off to the man's mother, and go off drinking, on holiday, doing drugs etc. They are pretty lousy parents in most people's opinion and they take such advantage of the grandmother's kind nature. Glad that you aren't being like that. Dump the guy, he doesn't want to be a father to your kids.

pictish · 29/01/2018 06:28

You haven’t done anything wrong here...he is absolutely full of it. No you can’t expect family to change their shifts or take time off work so you can go on a wee holiday with the boyf. He’s fucking mental to spit his dummy over this...how dare he essentially demand that you impose on your family to serve his whim. Fuck off!
Seriously if this is an indication of how he thinks and behaves over your responsibilities as a mum, he’s not a keeper is he?
I can only hope he’ll give himself a shake and apologise for being such a monumental arsehole about this but I suspect he won’t.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2018 06:36

He’s been radio silence since 5pm and has (I assume) blocked you on Facebook. He sounds about 12.

If the children are going to their dads every other weekend, would it not have been better to find a compromise of perhaps him having them an extra day? You then could go away Friday - Sunday or even Monday if your ex can take them to school. No way should you be involving extended working family members.

Seeing as you didn’t suggest this if it’s even a possibility. And his irrational behaviour, I wouldn’t be offering this now even if you can organise it. He needs to calm down and talk to you. However if he doesn’t calm down today, I’d consider the relationship over. And perhaps it already is depending on what transpired. What do you mean when you say he went crazy?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2018 06:38

I also should have asked, would you be ok to leave your children for a long weekend?

SwarmOfCats · 29/01/2018 06:45

I’d leave him for the radio silence/blocking you on Facebook tantrum alone. He’s acting like a child.

You get a weekend once a fortnight when you can have grown-up time. If that’s not enough for him he needs to get himself gone. This is your life and it’s not changing, so he needs to either get on board or bugger off.

pigeondujour · 29/01/2018 06:47

I don't understand why people like this choose to date parents. It's pretty easy not to.

Snowysky20009 · 29/01/2018 07:08

Get rid, he's seeing your kids as an inconvenience. I met dp when ds was 1. From day when he knew ds came first, and never expected otherwise. We've not had 1 night away together on our own in almost 17 years.if we go away the kids come too if they want too! I would have been mortified if he had ever expected what your dp is asking.

Angrybird345 · 29/01/2018 07:12

Get rid of him!

gamerwidow · 29/01/2018 07:15

There is nothing wrong per se with going on holiday without your kids if they are well looked after. there is something wrong with your BF trying to force you to go on a holiday you don’t want to go on because your kids have needs that won’t be met if your not there.
You come as a package but he sees your kids as an inconvenience to be palmed off on whoever can take them. That would be ringing major alarm bells for me.

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