I'm expecting dh to do simple things?

[whywonthedostuff]

Need a rant.

Ok so he does do a lot. He works full time whereas I'm a stay at home a Mum. And he works hard. Manual labour that also has quite a lot of responsibility.

And he's not a 'wifework' type. He's happy to cook (is actually way better than me) and do any cleaning tasks that he's asked.

But. That's the issue really, I usually have to ask.

So today, in two toilets where the toilet roll has run out he's just got the new toilet roll and balanced it on the old roll. He does this EVERY. TIME.

He cooked breakfast. But has splashed pancake batter all over the kitchen, used every utensil and dropped a lot on the floor. He'll happily clean it up IF I ASK.

Ds wanted to watch a dvd. He kept changing his mind. So dh took 10 or so out of their cases and has just left them lying around.

The bin was full. So as he does every time he's crammed everything down so the bag has split. So now the bin needs cleaning. Again, he'll happily do it but won't notice it needs doing unless I say how gross it is.

He took the washing out of the washing machine. He knows some of the stuff I put in for me and ds can't tumble dry yet he did and it's shrunk.

He will rarely remember to wash any of the pet's bowls.

When I left him in charge of he cat litter box (I couldn't get down the steep stairs where it was kept) it got absolutely revolting. I realised when they both started pissing around the house.

He's taken ds out of the house before without a coat (when really cold) and has in the past forgotten shoes!

Ach. I'm not after any ltb's. Just a rant so I don't end up yelling at him. He works his fingers to the bone and does his fair share around the house. Neither of us stop. He's never so much as raised his voice to ds and has done the last two years of night time duty (I had a hellish 3 years of breastfeeding so feel it's evened up .)

He just has massively different standards of hygiene than me (most people I suspect.)

All of these things on their own don't even sound bad really. It's everything together. The house would be a pit and we'd all just eat shite if I left him to it.

Honestly, I love him to bits but if I'd known what a fucking slob he can be I'm not sure I'd have married him.

I've tried nicely taking, Ive freaked out, I've tried showing him articles about mental load. He'll be great for a day then back to 'normal'.

He does work unbelievably hard and at times his job is so stressful, it's not the amount he does, but I feel like I'm the one responsible for physically carrying this family and sometimes (usually when I have pms) just want to run away.

Obviously he feels all of the financial strain (as my in laws love to remind me weekly ) I just wish the dozy fucker would get his head out of his ass and SEE things.

I meant this to be sort of lighthearted and still do but have actually gotten more angry writing it down!

You just need to be very straight with him.
Tell him that you don't intend to ask family as you don't wish to leave the kids for this amount of time in these circumstances. I would then say that if he cant accept that he should look for someone else with a different set up. Then leave him to stew on it. He either loves you or he doesn't. Maybe he has done you a favour as you will then get to see his priorities.

OOps sorry wrong thread. Ignore me.

@cansu I was like, bloody hell thats a bit strong!

He's doesn't stop either though. It's just the slipshod way he doesn't things. Or the neglect of things that are important.

He's certainly not sat on his arse though.

Ok, here's an example. We'll be going away. So much to do to make sure all of the animals, growing stuff will be ok. Not to mention ds and the general house stuff.

I will be tearing my hair out running around like a loon trying to remember everything and make sure it's all done and he will have started the reorganise his paperwork. Or start writing an article he's want to write for months. Or cleaning windows. Just something utterly unneeded.

Maybe he does have adhd.

My STBXH was like this too. Always had to be asked. I have to say, once I got over the feeling lonely on my own stage when he left, it's so nice to not have this irritation now of having to put up with this lax behaviour.

He sounds like my kids (thankfully not my husband though)

Whenever we were leaving to go on holiday and I'd be there tearing around the house for calpol, wipes, clothes you name it, DH would be tutting getting annoyed that we would leave later than planned. Never once did he offer to help or take responsibility for anything.

I don't have anyone tutting now. Honestly parts of my life now are so chill it's unbelievable. I can be me and that's enough 😊

I have a huge mental workload at work. Yes multi million pound projects and big events. I’ve only just finished working for today - I’ve managed to empty the cats litter tray, put a wash on, make some soup for tea. Tired of hearing about these big men and their ‘stressful jobs’ on mn.

Sorry if it's been covered but what do
posters mean by 'mental load'

I'm a SAHM and accept the lions share of work.
Like many other posters, he will help but never see that things need to be done; I always have to ask

OP, I think in life and in every relationship there are little things that "niggle". Your DH sounds fine to me.
I'm a SAHM too and this is what DH does -
a) the bins
b) he odd load of washing (but never takes it out)
c) occasionally loads the dishwasher - once a week maybe

On the other hand, he deals with everything financial and relating to cars, mortgages, banking, investments, bills, insurance, school fees, etc. He has his own companies and is very hyper, so he never really switches off. For instance, at the moment he's home, but now on a three hour conference call so I will be getting the kids to bed and everything else because there's no point asking him to get involved.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ < This explains the mental load, fleaflyflo

Thanks Category... depressingly similar to the set up I have

I’m fairly sure as a woman when I was working in my difficult, stressful job, there was no one advocating for me that I should get to sit on my arse and help my dh only when asked to do the things round the house that have to be done in order for the household to be reasonably clean and fed. I’m glad I worked with dc before being a sahm because we’ve not fallen into the trap of woman does the home and man goes to work. It means I have the time and energy to do things like set up a business and the dynamic in the house is more equal - I’m not begging/ pleading/ arguing to get my dh to do stuff that he then forgets to do.

To the pp, I know you will take massive offense at this, but I don’t think it’s a good thing that you clean toilets whilst your dh sorts all the financial stuff at home. Many woman with this set up are left utterly clueless about and without access to family finances if anything happens to the husband.

He also will not do things if I ask, just gets huffy. If i don't prepare meals at the weekends, the kids don't get them. Until they are staving and then he'll give crisps or slices of bread etc. Of course he will have managed to make himself a sandwich.

Are you fucking serious? That's bordering on neglect right there. He won't remember to feed his own kids??
My jaw is dropped. Maybe I read it wrong? Why would you stay with someone like that?
Like Handbag noone has ever suggested, when I was carrying the full responsibility of feeding and housing the dc, that I should take a load off and let the domestic work go to shit...people generally assumed I was perfectly capable of working AND making sure there was milk, tea on the table and dc had a coat on.
The bar is set so damn low for men it's not even funny.

YANBU

I love my DP to bits, hardworking, good boyfriend etc but hes exactly the same.

*Opens a letter, he leaves in on the sofa or on top of the fridge
*leaves keys wallet paper work around house then i when i put the things away and he needs to find them he goes in a huff
*loo roll- cant manage to put a new one on the holder and old one in the bin
*i cook he washes pots but 9/10 he does them the following day (if he remembers)

List goes on..

I think a lot of men are like this. They just don't think