I'm expecting dh to do simple things?

[whywonthedostuff]

Need a rant.

Ok so he does do a lot. He works full time whereas I'm a stay at home a Mum. And he works hard. Manual labour that also has quite a lot of responsibility.

And he's not a 'wifework' type. He's happy to cook (is actually way better than me) and do any cleaning tasks that he's asked.

But. That's the issue really, I usually have to ask.

So today, in two toilets where the toilet roll has run out he's just got the new toilet roll and balanced it on the old roll. He does this EVERY. TIME.

He cooked breakfast. But has splashed pancake batter all over the kitchen, used every utensil and dropped a lot on the floor. He'll happily clean it up IF I ASK.

Ds wanted to watch a dvd. He kept changing his mind. So dh took 10 or so out of their cases and has just left them lying around.

The bin was full. So as he does every time he's crammed everything down so the bag has split. So now the bin needs cleaning. Again, he'll happily do it but won't notice it needs doing unless I say how gross it is.

He took the washing out of the washing machine. He knows some of the stuff I put in for me and ds can't tumble dry yet he did and it's shrunk.

He will rarely remember to wash any of the pet's bowls.

When I left him in charge of he cat litter box (I couldn't get down the steep stairs where it was kept) it got absolutely revolting. I realised when they both started pissing around the house.

He's taken ds out of the house before without a coat (when really cold) and has in the past forgotten shoes!

Ach. I'm not after any ltb's. Just a rant so I don't end up yelling at him. He works his fingers to the bone and does his fair share around the house. Neither of us stop. He's never so much as raised his voice to ds and has done the last two years of night time duty (I had a hellish 3 years of breastfeeding so feel it's evened up .)

He just has massively different standards of hygiene than me (most people I suspect.)

All of these things on their own don't even sound bad really. It's everything together. The house would be a pit and we'd all just eat shite if I left him to it.

Honestly, I love him to bits but if I'd known what a fucking slob he can be I'm not sure I'd have married him.

I've tried nicely taking, Ive freaked out, I've tried showing him articles about mental load. He'll be great for a day then back to 'normal'.

He does work unbelievably hard and at times his job is so stressful, it's not the amount he does, but I feel like I'm the one responsible for physically carrying this family and sometimes (usually when I have pms) just want to run away.

Obviously he feels all of the financial strain (as my in laws love to remind me weekly ) I just wish the dozy fucker would get his head out of his ass and SEE things.

I meant this to be sort of lighthearted and still do but have actually gotten more angry writing it down!

@Voiceforreason I try as much as I can to share dh's financial mental load. I do all of the household and business accounts and try to save money and economise wherever I can.

My dh is like this. More than happy to help but doesn’t see that things need doing.

I have written a daily and weekly list of jobs on a whiteboard on the fridge and I tick them off as they are done. He can’t miss it.

I have also photographed his mess and whatapped it to him
He is getting slowly better.

I'm a stay at home parent so I do most of the stuff around the house cause it's my responsibility. My dh cooks on a weekend or his days off. He gets dd up and gets her breakfast and does her baths and bedtime. He might sometimes forget to clean the cats out or not do the washing up straight away but he works long hours and 6 day weeks some weeks so I can't sweat the small stuff. I'm sure I do things that annoy him. I know he hates it that I leave mugs on the bedside table. Neither of us are perfect.

Well,Whywonthedostuff, I am glad I live in an evolved part of the world. ..you should like ypu life in the fifties

*sound like you live...that should say.

Oh I could have written your post myself. Even down to the cat litter issue (when I was expecting ds).

I just remind myself that he's a lovely bloke and a good husband. I also remind myself that I have many, many foibles, which dh tolerates.

What I can never get my head around is how the feck these men manage at work? Surely the same skills of observation, self-motivation, ‘it needs doing so I’ll do it’, memory, list-making, multitasking are needed to carry out their paid work to a satisfactory level?

My DH works in event management, self employed, and often carries off complicated 2-3 day events. He needs to keep lots of diverse people happy (clients, patrons, musicians,roadies) and keep loads of plates spinning simultaneously. If he forgets even one thing- like lighting cables- then the show literally can’t go on.

So how can it be that at home he still somehow believes the fridge and washing basket to be magical places that fill or empty themselves? I don’t buy/do his stuff, by the way, unless asked. That he can stand there, looking like a whipped puppy because ‘the universe’ didn’t pack a bag for his kids in time for him to take kids on an outing HE planned, and now everyone is in a froth of anger and disappointment? How come everything can be on a triple-checked list for work, yet if he ‘plans’ a day trip with us, it’s ‘let’s wing it all the way’?

I just don’t get it. If I have the skill or experience at something, I wouldn’t be able to switch it on and off, even if I wanted too. I can barely manage not to interrupt strangers to say ‘sorry, can’t help but overhear. You’ll likely need bug repellent if you’re going to xxxx, I’ve found this one to be good value. Have a fun trip!’

How can DH turn his whole brain to standby/off so often? And with no embarrassment either, he seems completely cool with it!

I’d be mortified if he was prompted to say ‘darling, I’m worried about ageing-related cognitive decline? I’ve had to put a sign in the bathroom that reminds you to do something that you’ve been doing for 50 years, and that our 7yo has no problem understanding and remembering?’

And no, I’m sure he’s not working so hard that he just exhausts his grey matter, and can’t possibly remember to feed the kids at or near dinner time!

One of the jobs dh does is extremely complicated. For a few months he's in charge of multiple estates, staff, the total organisation of BIG, posh parties from the food (last year he even cooked for a couple of them) to the entertainment and decorations, travel logistics of several very wealthy (and fussy) people and does it perfectly.

He does, however, break out in hives and rashes and usually come down with some weird flu like bug at the height of it. And quite often come home crying.

Obviously during this I do absolutely everything I can to make his life easier. It's a truly horrible few months for us all every year. But it does prove that he's capable. (Or though you could argue that as he has mental and psychical breakdowns every year he's actually not as capable as they think.)

My OH is also prone to this kind of thoughtless laziness. He's (gradually) learned the things that really get up my nose and he honestly tries to keep on top of these things. He's got a very stressful job and he works long hours so he is mostly forgiven. As you can see, though, I'm not above collecting photographic evidence and emailing it to him at work

It sounds so frustrating OP and I admire your honesty in admitting that had you known his habits you might not have married him. Unfortunately I think one of the solutions is working yourself and then having a better division of drudge work and possibly some paid help. Easier said than done though.

Oh dear. It sounds like you have a man child on your hands OP. The only solution I have found is to parent your DH. Remind him every single time he doesn't clean up after himself/act like an adult. Occasionally loose your temper with him. Make it so inconvenient for him to forget that he remembers.

It helps if you focus on 2/3 things at a time so that you don't overwhelm him. Also occasionally just completely loose your shit if it is taking too long for him to learn. Do be sensitive though, if he is really tired/stressed one week just lay off for a bit.

I have worked four days, 2.5 days and currently I am now a SAHP. Do I expect my DH to share the mental load, yes of course I do. I carry it during the the week both while he is at work and usually any additional evening week day tasks but I do not feel that I have to be on call 100% of the time while he only has responsibility for his mental load at his place of work. We both chose to have DC, we both chose to live in a house together so outside of standard working hours I expect us both to contribute to the smooth running of DC and house. To be fair to him he isn't such an arse as to expect that all he has to do is go out to work after all of he was single he would have more cash but have to do a shed load more practical home work.

I empathise, lots of those things sound really annoying. But I am also jealous! My dh sounds like the opposite. He is v neat and tidy and organised with all his bits and washing but does absolutely no cooking or cleaning (tbf we have a cleaner so I don't do a lot either) and will happily sit playing with the kids whilst I run around making lunch, setting table, getting drinks etc. That is the worst, not that's he's not doing the main cooking but that he doesn't even pitch in as is obvious and any friends/ of my family members would.

He also will not do things if I ask, just gets huffy. If i don't prepare meals at the weekends, the kids don't get them. Until they are staving and then he'll give crisps or slices of bread etc. Of course he will have managed to make himself a sandwich. Grrrr. I asked if he could go to the shops (5 min walk) this afternoon to get some eggs. No was the answer.

I'm not sure. If you're a sahp with a three year old (i.e.not a tiny baby), then I think that it's fair enough for you to take the mental load. He is carrying the financial burden (even though you say you try to help with this, it's still his problem really) and the mental load that is associated with his job, which doesn't sound insignificant. It doesn't sound like he is unwilling to help at home at all - just that he doesn't want to be responsible for absolutely everything.

But some of the things he does are just fucking gross.

I realised a while back that he hadn't cleaned his teeth for 3 days!

@fannyanddick we should swap for a week!

Is it possible he has ADHD? I am incredibly similar in my forgetfulness and distractedness and it drives my partner absolutely mad.

You needing to remind him to do his teeth is not normal for a grown man OP.

What is the matter with some men? Not cleaning your teeth for 3 days is totally abnormal. Also not putting a coat on a small child in cold weather is negligent as is not washing pets bowls. Its as if he doesn't even know how to act like a grown adult. Not helping with housework sounds the least of your worries. He sounds worse than my 14 year old son! I wouldn't stand for hiding piles of washing in the basement either! But them I'm older than you and my husband has never done any washing. It's my department and I like to keep on top of the laundry. He also has never cooked a meal in 15 years of marriage. Or done a night feed and we had 2 in 14 months. I've become a decent cook and baker and am proud of my prowess in the kitchen. Taking ownership of the house and it's requirements and being organised is a lot less stressful sometimes than trying to put a square peg into a round hole. Maybe he is better suited to earning money than domestic tasks. My husband definately is but he still manages to not leave a trail of mess for me to pick up. He is also extremely fussy about cleaning his teeth!

I am the messy one in our relationship. I do have sympathy for my DH and as described in the blog above, I try to tidy up, because I know it means a lot to my DH. However I do dream of living alone, in my own mess, with no one else to cook or shop for when the dcs fly the nest.

Oh and I clean my teeth twice daily and care for the dcs and pet appropriately ( just not a fan of picking up dirty clothes/keeping paperwork in line).

Why do people think their partners are amazing, yet they pull this shit. Are your standards so low that you accept this? My fucking Boston terrier could do better than how many of you describe your loving partners,

I sometimes feel guilty that DH picks up most home stuff. I don’t really “see” what needs doing beyond the obvious.

Honestly though my mental load at work is huge. I love my job but it’s complicated and intellectual and I think I just burn out. Also the “load” of being totally responsible for all the earning is not insignificant.

So many people making excuses for these immature man-children.

They cope at work, so they can cope at work. And fuck this "well they carry the financial load" bollocks - they are also a parent and a household needs to run 24/7.

Why should they get weekends/evenings/early mornings off while the SAHP never stops? They know full well children need feeding, that dogs need letting out, that uniforms need washing and litter trays cleaning.

But they also know that if they don't bother, someone else will do it all for them.