I'm expecting dh to do simple things?

[whywonthedostuff]

Need a rant.

Ok so he does do a lot. He works full time whereas I'm a stay at home a Mum. And he works hard. Manual labour that also has quite a lot of responsibility.

And he's not a 'wifework' type. He's happy to cook (is actually way better than me) and do any cleaning tasks that he's asked.

But. That's the issue really, I usually have to ask.

So today, in two toilets where the toilet roll has run out he's just got the new toilet roll and balanced it on the old roll. He does this EVERY. TIME.

He cooked breakfast. But has splashed pancake batter all over the kitchen, used every utensil and dropped a lot on the floor. He'll happily clean it up IF I ASK.

Ds wanted to watch a dvd. He kept changing his mind. So dh took 10 or so out of their cases and has just left them lying around.

The bin was full. So as he does every time he's crammed everything down so the bag has split. So now the bin needs cleaning. Again, he'll happily do it but won't notice it needs doing unless I say how gross it is.

He took the washing out of the washing machine. He knows some of the stuff I put in for me and ds can't tumble dry yet he did and it's shrunk.

He will rarely remember to wash any of the pet's bowls.

When I left him in charge of he cat litter box (I couldn't get down the steep stairs where it was kept) it got absolutely revolting. I realised when they both started pissing around the house.

He's taken ds out of the house before without a coat (when really cold) and has in the past forgotten shoes!

Ach. I'm not after any ltb's. Just a rant so I don't end up yelling at him. He works his fingers to the bone and does his fair share around the house. Neither of us stop. He's never so much as raised his voice to ds and has done the last two years of night time duty (I had a hellish 3 years of breastfeeding so feel it's evened up .)

He just has massively different standards of hygiene than me (most people I suspect.)

All of these things on their own don't even sound bad really. It's everything together. The house would be a pit and we'd all just eat shite if I left him to it.

Honestly, I love him to bits but if I'd known what a fucking slob he can be I'm not sure I'd have married him.

I've tried nicely taking, Ive freaked out, I've tried showing him articles about mental load. He'll be great for a day then back to 'normal'.

He does work unbelievably hard and at times his job is so stressful, it's not the amount he does, but I feel like I'm the one responsible for physically carrying this family and sometimes (usually when I have pms) just want to run away.

Obviously he feels all of the financial strain (as my in laws love to remind me weekly ) I just wish the dozy fucker would get his head out of his ass and SEE things.

I meant this to be sort of lighthearted and still do but have actually gotten more angry writing it down!

For all of you with Dhs who will do things but only if you ask, this may help them to see your point of view.
mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

We have literally just had this row. Dh will do loads around the house and does notice things that need doing but there are times, like today, when he can see and hear me getting stressed out because I'm trying to do a million different things at the same time. Instead of just getting up off his arse and doing something, he said I should have asked. I shouldn't have to ask. It shouldn't get to the point of me ending up accidentally smashing a glass because I'm cooking, doing the washing, washing dishes and tidying up as he's just sitting in the living room. He should have heard the washer screaming that it's finished (why the fuck modern appliances have to scream at you I don't know) and started sorting it out off his own volition.

Are you me OP?!
DH does more than his fair share but we did have a few conversations about the 'mental load' stuff and things have really improved. I do all the cooking (don't mind as he does all the washing up etc) but this means I do most of the shopping and meal planning. We started using a meal plan app type thing and this has helped him do a lot more of it. (It's also a bit one-sided as I drive and he doesn't). He still needs prompting as he thinks we've planned/shopped for a fortnight's meals when we've done about 3, and he forgets about lunches etc but never mind...

Lots of jobs that used to be half-finished he's now got into the habit of finishing.

I think YANBU but you should be realistic about what to expect and work with him about how to get it done.
SInce being heavily pregnant I've refused to pick up random stuff off the floor all the time (he always says I shouldn't and he'll do it) but it's made me realise how much picking up I do. Tissues etc will just lie on the floor for days until I specifically ask for that specific thing to be picked up. Our house is otherwise quite clean so it's not like it can't be seen - it just doesn't register with him.

"Ffs women on this thread, raise your standards!"

My standard is that whoever doesn't work picks up the slack. Does the housework, recycling, cooking, cleaning, childcare. Of course they may sometimes need help, in which case they should ask for it. But that person is effectively running the household and dictates what is done and when. One of two of the examples OP indicates are pretty pathetic e.g. not dressing the kids or forgetting you've let the dog out, and that is so basic that you shouldn't need someone to tell you. But when I go back to work and my husband is at home I would be very unimpressed if he asked me to share the mental load.

Following in case someone has discovered 'the answer'! My dh too works very hard in a physical job and i am a sahm to 2 dc. He does absolutely nothing about the house, unless asked, then will do a pretty shit job, (think dishes left to soak, mop not rinsed out etc etc), so there's still most of the job left for me to finish off, so what's the point of asking. He was brought up in a traditional men work, women look after the men, so i'm really struggling to get him to see that times have changed.

This is why being single is better. At least you don't have another full grown adult in the house who can't be arsed to think for themselves.

Leaving the dog to wander is rubbish - it could have got run over or something.

Well, being single is one way of avoiding this problem another is to marry / get together with an actual grown up in the first place

There is that .

Are these men so unable to do more than one thing at a time at work? Do they need prompting and specific instructions about every little task they do at work? Are they this "forgetful " at work? I doubt it.
I fucking hate tedious repetitive housework too, and constantly thinking about others (the way you for when you have kids) can get draining, but I HAVE to, as I'm the only adult in my house. Your husband doesn't have to. So he doesn't. Because he knows he has someone who will do all the boring little jobs for him.
I think deep down most men think that the minutae of domestic life should be done by whatever woman is nearest.

Forgetting children's coats and shoes and to look after the animals is neglectful, no matter how hard he bloody well works. I couldn't respect a man who was like your DH, it would kill any feelings I had for him.

It does dampen my feelings somewhat.

He's thinks it's funny and one of his quirks. 🤬

I find the position "oh but he works full time, so you should do every bit of house and child and pet care" pathetic. I work full time in a very demanding job, get up several times a night to settle a baby and somehow manage to change the look roll, remember that children need coats and never leave dishes to soak for two weeks.

Sorry ladies, but can you imagine what would happen if OP died? Her poor children would be left with a man who does not give a fog about their welfare. The house would be a hazardous tip, the children would be dirty and inappropriately dresses, the pets would be hungry and uncared for. This is what abuse through neglect looks like. The only reason social services are not at OP's house is because she is there. Her husband neglects her and their children. Working full time is not an excuse for neglect.

And all of you who are on similar situations but think it's all fab and normal - I am sure that deep down you know it's not. You are just too afraid to admit it as recognizing that your DP is essentially an abuser through neglect is kind of shit and scary.

Wtf? Mn is really, really anti man at the moment.

My dp is not a man child or an abuser. He gets up at 5am and leaves the house at 5.30am. He drives usually 90 mins to get to whichever building site he is on. He manages between 6 and 10 men and completes multi million pound projects. He usually finishes about 4pm after a 30 minute break. Probably drives 2 hours through traffic and gets home at 6pm. We might then spend another 30 to 45 minutes doing paperwork.

He eats his tea, baths ds and then is usually in bed for 8pm.

He worked when he felt rough for a week in 2011. Ended up in hospital on ITU because his bowel and appendix had burst. He was in 2 weeks and came home with a stoma bag on and was back at work 3 weeks later.

He had a heart attack in 2015. 2 stents fitted and was back at work in 3 weeks.

He has taken my dd on as his own. Paid for holidays, ponies, riding lessons, swimming lessons, dancing lessons and everything she has ever wanted.

He breaks his back on the allotment I wanted on weekends he isnt working because me and ds love it.

He cooks on a saturday night and gets up with ds on a sunday morning.

His wages allow me to be a sahm and do the admin for the business he built and kept going through the recession.

He doesn't have expensive hobbies. Doesnt blow money on clothes or gadgets or flash cars. He drives an astra worth 1k while ny car is worth 10k.

He is shit at housework. Doesn't do it right. Doesn't think about what he is doing. In fact he avoids it where possible. Doesn't give a flying fuck if ds has Thomas pj bottoms and a fireman sam top.

He is not abusive or neglectful. The house gets done. The dcs get fed and clean and loved and cherished.

We don't live in squalor because I do the housework because that's my responsibility. It would be nice if he did do more but I don't think he has the mental or physical energy to do anything by the time he is in from work. I would like it if he did do more and didn't have to be asked.

But to be fair if I turned up on a building site I wouldn't have a clue and even if I was told how to do something simple like screw boards on I would probably fuck it up.

If I was ill or sick or dead am sure he would manage just fine. But I am not so I think it.is more than reasonable given the fact that I am mostly a sahm that I do the majority of the wifework.

If I didn't it would make me a bit of a fanny lodger I suppose. Or abusive. Or neglectful. Or a lazy fucker at best.

Have lived with an abusive manchild. He was very good at housework. He was also quite handy with the emotional and financial abuse and refused to work which meant I was back at work when dd was 3 weeka old due to being self employed.

I will stick with slovenly dp now thanks and be grateful he is the man he is and the father he is.

Well said Frouby. ...you are both adults who respect each others' contribution to the running of the home.
There iss a lack of communication in some of the cases above ,where women are coming onto a public forum to express heir resentment instead of having conversations....perhaps. ...maybe ?
I dunno.
My other half and I both work full time and we divide up the chores fairly according to our strengths ,he shops and cooks , I clean,etc. It works because we don't have set ideas about roles.

Spot on, Frouby.

throw there is no way on earth you would be taking the kids out without coats, leaving dishes to soak for a fortnight and forcing the cats to piss round the house because you hadn’t cleaned their tray. Women who do those things are not looked upon kindly and generally functioning adults don’t want their children to be cold, their pets to be uncomfortable and their kitchens to be health hazards.

Also it isn’t fair for one person to do all the mental load. So much is thankless and dull but has to be done, especially if you have dependents and it is soul destroying when you have to take it all on and you’re surrounded by people, especially adults, who take no responsibility and just leave a trail of crumbs and socks wherever they go.

DH is the same!
Sharing a to-list in a google doc for ex is an idea, I'll highlight tasks in a colour that means it is for him to do - no daily tasks in the list but one off things like get quotes for something / order school uniform etc.

Also, the great point in a setup where you have the mental load but he is willing to do things if asked is that you get to pick the things you want to do and delegate the less appealing ones

Do you married a man child too Urubu?

my DH is like this. very helpful but rarely proactive. it could be worse i suppose. sometimes i point it out to him. but then i usually think to myself well how much do i have to think about making money? zero. so that's quite a mental load off. doesn't stop me getting irritated with him about it but i am kind of a bitch to him sometimes

He's probably hoping/ assuming it's your responsibility. But you could trial some signs to test that.

I have spoken to him about it. And yelled. And cried. Makes no difference.

It probably doesn't help that where we live is extremely rural and traditional. Lots of men here never cook or do any housework.

Dh probably thinks he's bloody wonderful compared to a lot of men here. Women cook, sew and keep the house. Men chop down trees and build stuff. Although I'm no good at chopping down trees or building stuff. But then I'm not that good at cooking or sewing either.

Aw bless! these poor men who just cant see things need doing. However do they manage at work when their colleagues/bosses need to spoon feed them every step of the way

Handbag, I know those things are not acceptable - I said that explicitly

Personally I would not be pleased if DH wanted me to take on the mental workload once I'm back at work full time and he is at home full time. But I guess you just have to agree with your the half what you both think is a fair split.

Lovely post Frouby. The 'mental load' is a new one to me. Do all the sahp on here mentioning the 'mental load', share the mental load of their working partner? Thought not.